From NC to LC - did it work for you?

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LittleStar

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From NC to LC - did it work for you?
« on: June 13, 2018, 12:45:58 AM »
Hello everyone,

Don't really know how to start... I have an uNPDm and I've been NC for more than half a year now (been LC for a year previoulsy). During these couple of months I did some inner work and been trying to heal. In all this process, there were ups and downs. I come to terms that she doesn't have the capability to love me or to change. I have accepted that I will never have the mother I deserve or want.

Somehow, lately I've been sitting with my thoughts (triggered by some events or people). And I started to wonder, would I be able to go back to LC or VLC? I could mantain a superficial relationship with her and keep the necessary boundaries for my protection (mental and emotional). Is it possible? This time around I wouldn't let  her use me as she pleases, things would be different. I have learnt to put myself first, to selfcare and to love myself more.

I would like to hear from you guys... Those that were NC and decided to go to LC or VLC, how did you do it? Did it work? How did you protect yourself?

Those that been mainting a Low Contact relationship, what are your tips and stories? Would love to hear from you.  :)

Thanks all  :)

"Awareness is the first step in healing." - Dean Ornish

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louisebt

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Re: From NC to LC - did it work for you?
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2018, 06:19:46 AM »
I went NC for 4 months after a lifetime of complete enmeshment (talking to her at least an hour a day on the phone, spending large chunks of my free time with her). I needed that time to work on my trauma bonding to her and my C-PTSD. My mother is uBPD and an alcoholic.

Resuming LC was hard, mainly because she just did not understand any boundary I put in. For instance phoning- if i said 'i'll phone you on x day' she would phone me the day before. I ended up just blocking phone contact until I turned it on to ring her, then we'd have the 'i tried to riiinggg you' waifing to deal with. But just like training a toddler, eventually she started getting the message.

Visits were the same 'oh you are seeing your boyfriend this weekend are you?'- I had to be strong enough every time to not JADE or play games and go 'yes i am, i'll see you soon'.

I would say if you want to resume LC my criteria were - not to expect the PD's reactions or behaviour to have changed in any way, and expect them to have toddler tantrums and act out about every new boundary you put in place.

Make sure you are not so triggered by their very voice or presence you can't communicate with them without getting ill.

Be very clear about boundaries at the start and stick to them rigidly until they get you mean business, or it becomes obvious they can't deal with any boundaries at all and then you may need to reduce contact again.

Be prepared they may go into giving you the silent treatment instead to try and regain a sense of control over you.

This forum is really helpful if you do resume LC and start doubting yourself and how you are handling specific interactions.


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lkdrymom

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Re: From NC to LC - did it work for you?
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2018, 08:20:24 AM »
Maybe think about the reasons why you want to resume contact.  Is it out of obligation or do you truly want contact with her?

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biggerfish

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Re: From NC to LC - did it work for you?
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2018, 08:56:12 AM »
I was about to answer, and then saw that lkdrymom said what I was going to say. I have been NC for four years, and sometimes I think about returning to LC. When that happens, I take the time to look within for a while. For me, I find that the desire to return to LC comes largely from a sense of guilt or obligation or "she's getting older and I should" or even how it appears to extended family. Sometimes it also comes from the faulty belief that she'll behave better now that she misses me so much. But I know she won't be any different.

Every  situation is different of course, but I do agree with lkdrymom: first check within for your reasons. Make sure you are happy with your own reasons for returning to LC. Keep in mind that it is self-awareness that is helping us protect ourselves.

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practical

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Re: From NC to LC - did it work for you?
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2018, 09:19:19 AM »
I agree with lykrdmom and Biggerfish, look at the why.

I went NC three times with bipolar uNPDm, I resumed contact twice to a large extent under pressure from enF/uPDf and the promise that she had changed, missing me so much and in pain (I don't doubt the last two, except she wanted her enmeshed daughter back not the actual me). While in the beginning she would respect my boundaries out of fear I might go back to NC, in the long term she couldn't. Even on a good day LC was hard, because it required preparation from me, getting my armor up, the effort of keeping the conversation on small talk, redirecting it when it veered off to personal things, and there always seemed to be something that hurt me, left at least a scratch. I think Springbutterfly's tag line describes it well:
"Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. "The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause." Mark Twain"
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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stasia

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Re: From NC to LC - did it work for you?
« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2018, 12:59:00 PM »
I'm going to third what practical, biggerfish, and lkdrymom have said.

I've been NC since last August, and now and then I think about whether to go back to LC again. But I know my reasons for doing so are pure FOG:
- because she's old
- because she doesn't have anyone else in her life
- because I know I hurt her a lot by going NC
- because she is my mother and society expects me to have a relationship with her
- because contact is what SHE wants, and I have a hard time putting myself and my needs first.

I've come to the conclusion that I truly do not want her in my life any longer - at least, not as she is now. We don't have a relationship any more. Yes, I could resume contact and have a superficial relationship, and use MC and grey rock and boundaries and all of the techniques listed on this site - which I've found extremely helpful. But then I think, what's the point? Why be in contact with my guard constantly up? Just to make her happy? Because I feel obligated? I have spent a large chunk of my life being in contact with her because that is what she wants. I'm now in my mid-40s- at what point does what *I* want matter? When she's dead? That doesn't seem fair. That's pretty much been my thought process.

At this time I'm not willing to risk the damage it would do, and the panic attacks I'd start having again, if I resumed contact. (I still panic when I see a missed call from any number I do not recognize so I know that resuming contact is still not something that I can handle.)

Everyone's different, though, and no one here is going to pressure you into staying NC (or becoming LC) if that is not what feels right to you.

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Amadahy

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Re: From NC to LC - did it work for you?
« Reply #6 on: June 13, 2018, 04:13:09 PM »
I was NC for five months and experienced the space to begin healing. It was wonderful!  (Nmom, enmeshment)

I went LC for her, not me.  There is nothing good I receive from this change.  I am better about coping, but every interaction takes tons of energy and protection.  I resumed contact out of obligation, not the best reason, but one I chose for as long as I can stand it. She has no one else.

Best wishes and support whatever you decide!
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

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lkdrymom

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Re: From NC to LC - did it work for you?
« Reply #7 on: June 13, 2018, 06:38:20 PM »


I've come to the conclusion that I truly do not want her in my life any longer - at least, not as she is now. We don't have a relationship any more. Yes, I could resume contact and have a superficial relationship, and use MC and grey rock and boundaries and all of the techniques listed on this site - which I've found extremely helpful. But then I think, what's the point? Why be in contact with my guard constantly up? Just to make her happy? Because I feel obligated? I have spent a large chunk of my life being in contact with her because that is what she wants. I'm now in my mid-40s- at what point does what *I* want matter? When she's dead? That doesn't seem fair. That's pretty much been my thought process.

At this time I'm not willing to risk the damage it would do, and the panic attacks I'd start having again, if I resumed contact. (I still panic when I see a missed call from any number I do not recognize so I know that resuming contact is still not something that I can handle.)



When it requires that much work to stand being around someone is it really worth it???

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Lillith65

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Re: From NC to LC - did it work for you?
« Reply #8 on: June 13, 2018, 07:58:08 PM »


I've come to the conclusion that I truly do not want her in my life any longer - at least, not as she is now. We don't have a relationship any more. Yes, I could resume contact and have a superficial relationship, and use MC and grey rock and boundaries and all of the techniques listed on this site - which I've found extremely helpful. But then I think, what's the point? Why be in contact with my guard constantly up? Just to make her happy? Because I feel obligated? I have spent a large chunk of my life being in contact with her because that is what she wants. I'm now in my mid-40s- at what point does what *I* want matter? When she's dead? That doesn't seem fair. That's pretty much been my thought process.

At this time I'm not willing to risk the damage it would do, and the panic attacks I'd start having again, if I resumed contact. (I still panic when I see a missed call from any number I do not recognize so I know that resuming contact is still not something that I can handle.)



When it requires that much work to stand being around someone is it really worth it???

Its the FOG which keeps many of us in contact or believing that we should be.

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all4peace

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Re: From NC to LC - did it work for you?
« Reply #9 on: June 14, 2018, 10:51:27 AM »
I went LC for her, not me.  There is nothing good I receive from this change.  I am better about coping, but every interaction takes tons of energy and protection.  I resumed contact out of obligation, not the best reason, but one I chose for as long as I can stand it. She has no one else.
I actually think it's ok to resume contact out of obligation, as long as we're aware of our intentions and motives, and it's done as a healthy, mindful choice.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: From NC to LC - did it work for you?
« Reply #10 on: June 14, 2018, 03:49:45 PM »
My biggest tip would be that you can't care, you just cannot care one little bit. You can't care the PD person will tantrum, yell, scream, ST, whatever. You can't care how they will feel when you walk away from the tantrum. You can't care how they will respond to MC. You can't care how they will respond to boundaries. The trauma bond must completely be broken.

For many reasons I never went NC but just lowered and lowered contact until there was enough space in between contact and the resulting damage to heal and gain headway in the healing process. That's the reason for my tagline practical quoted. There is going to be damage with each and every contact even if the contact itself is uneventful. This is because even without an episode we're on edge and anticipating.

It was I think Eclipse who said that even when there's only 99% abuse the damage to us is 100% because we're always waiting for the 1% and that really resonated with me.

There is an awesome book with checkpoints along the way of healing and a final list to determine whether or not contact should be resumed. http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=29251.0
« Last Edit: June 14, 2018, 03:52:34 PM by Spring Butterfly »
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips. "The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause." Mark Twain

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biggerfish

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Re: From NC to LC - did it work for you?
« Reply #11 on: June 14, 2018, 04:40:10 PM »
I went LC for her, not me.  There is nothing good I receive from this change.  I am better about coping, but every interaction takes tons of energy and protection.  I resumed contact out of obligation, not the best reason, but one I chose for as long as I can stand it. She has no one else.
I actually think it's ok to resume contact out of obligation, as long as we're aware of our intentions and motives, and it's done as a healthy, mindful choice.
Yup. That's why it's important to know our reasons first. We just need to have realistic expectations, whatever we decide.

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LittleStar

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Re: From NC to LC - did it work for you?
« Reply #12 on: June 15, 2018, 12:33:16 AM »
Thank you all so much for each and every reply. It is very valuable to me to hear all your perspectives. This forum has been a very good help along this journey of mine.

The truth is I wouldn't do it for me, I don't really miss her, don't really need  her and I know nothing positive would come out of it.
Like many of you have mentioned, I probably would do it out of obbligation, because she is old, she doesn't have a retirement fund, because of society and extended family expectations and pressure. Because I "should" be the bigger person and forgive (not forget). Because I "owe" her because she is my "mother". But at the end I know it is all FOG creeping in again. Honestly, she doesn't need me, she only needs my financial support. How sad is that? What would be the point of having this kind of relationship, serioulsy?  :stars:

I am so tired and frustrated. Almost feel like moving away and start over. I'm in my early thirties. But I have a good life here, a good job. But it's such a small town and so many times I go to some place and I'll be worried if I bump into her or any extended family member (there's a lot of them). It's like I can't really be free.  Feeling really lost here  :Idunno:. I'm sorry I'm rambling, guys. I really appreciate this forum  :bighug:
"Awareness is the first step in healing." - Dean Ornish

Unsent letter http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=70583.0