The Irony of No Contact

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dream_on

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The Irony of No Contact
« on: June 14, 2018, 06:30:29 PM »
Irony is a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.

Think about it. You have an in law or in laws that constantly put you down, try to make you feel like you are no good, worthless, shameful, talk about you behind your back,
talk which is all lies, try to control you and run your life. What does this say? That they don't respect you or even like you.

So you break ties with them and tell them don't ever contact me again because you are sick of the mistreatment and stress. And then they continue to bother you.

You would think, if these people hate me and see me as a horrible person, not even a human being, they should be happy about this turn of events and be relieved they got such a person out of their lives.
Just go and be happy. You did them a favor right? Yet the attempts at contact continue. Such people are strange indeed.

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all4peace

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Re: The Irony of No Contact
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2018, 12:34:27 AM »
uNBPDmil couldn't be bothered with our kids and despised me.....until VLC, at which point she became obsessed with us. She is STILL trying to text me (shows up in group text with DH) despite knowing I don't want to be in contact with her, still trying to reach our DD. The only people she doesn't bother much with contacting are those she has access to--DH and DS. It is ironic and sigh inducing.

I think they need:
--punching bag
--drama source
--gossip/drama/hate object

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Malini

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Re: The Irony of No Contact
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2018, 05:28:50 AM »
Yes. Based on the last  letter my NM sent me, 5 years ago you would wonder why she'd want to have ANY contact at all with the daughter she describes with such venom and vitriol, I would run a mile in the other direction from this terrible person.

I feel as if I (and my sibling) were pawns in their toxic game of life chess. And I think it is the loss of power over us that they cannot bear. For 45 years, a look, a tone of voice and we'd all be hopping from one foot to the other and scrambling to please and appease at whatever cost to ourselves, and then they'd move the goalposts, just to make it all that little bit more interesting. Imagine having that power over someone and then losing it?

I sometimes wonder what is going on in those minds of theirs.

Even if we put aside the toxic upbringing we had, when we start coming OOTF and begin to reduce contact with them, they 'retaliate' by smearing us, abusive letters or phone calls, stalking and often even disinheriting us and still expect us to want to be open to contact with them as if nothing happened.

I think it's because this 'power play'  is what worked so well and for so long for them in the past and their toolboxes are woefully empty of anything that they could implement to either 'fix' the relationship or accept our LC or NC and move on.









"How do you do it?" said night
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all4peace

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Re: The Irony of No Contact
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2018, 09:31:46 AM »
I have often thought of "missing tools" also. It is terribly sad. Everything they do at this point seems almost designed to create more distance, but I doubt that's their intention. It is such a terrible situation to be in--the PD parent unable to hear, unable to understand, unable to change (or unwilling instead of unable), repeatedly doing (and denying doing) upsetting things that push us further away.

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Starboard_Song

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Re: The Irony of No Contact
« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2018, 10:03:13 AM »
More irony: our NC emerged from a family crisis involving end-of-life decisions for my wife's grandmother.

She's been dead for over 2 years now, and I hardly ever think of her. But those damned in-laws fill my brain for a week, each time they send another letter to my DS.

NC indeed: psychologically, I still have more contact than I can handle.
Self-Compassion: the Proven Power... by Kristen Neff
Healing From Family Rifts, by Mark Sichel
Stop Walking on Egshells, by Paul Mason
Mindful Self-Compassion classes
Mindfulness, by Mark Williams
The Book of Joy, with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu
Life on the Mississippi, by Mark Twain

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daughter

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Re: The Irony of No Contact
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2018, 11:53:49 AM »
The irony is that they don't like you, but feel you don't have their "permission" to curtail contact.  For these pd-disordered relatives, it's about "control", about "feeling disrespected by being disregarded", and not about "missing you", and certainly not "let's reconcile; I'll try to accommodate what I don't like about you".

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dream_on

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Re: The Irony of No Contact
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2018, 12:48:12 PM »
They are control freaks that don't know any other way to be. What a way to live. It was their pressuring ways that drove us away, but they just continue to do so.  :sadno:

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Starboard_Song

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Re: The Irony of No Contact
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2018, 12:48:23 PM »
The irony is that they don't like you, but feel you don't have their "permission" to curtail contact.  For these pd-disordered relatives, it's about "control", about "feeling disrespected by being disregarded", and not about "missing you", and certainly not "let's reconcile; I'll try to accommodate what I don't like about you".

That's right.

It is more like, "Let's reconcile. On the one hand, you'll agree to be less hurtful in the future, and respect my wishes. On the other hand, I agree that you should be less hurtful and respect my wishes."
Self-Compassion: the Proven Power... by Kristen Neff
Healing From Family Rifts, by Mark Sichel
Stop Walking on Egshells, by Paul Mason
Mindful Self-Compassion classes
Mindfulness, by Mark Williams
The Book of Joy, with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu
Life on the Mississippi, by Mark Twain