Why is the PD default setting anger?

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LeeJane

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Why is the PD default setting anger?
« on: July 04, 2018, 04:15:41 AM »
Ok, I am venting really, not asking a serious question but why is the default setting anger?

uPD hubby falls back onto anger to "cope" with anything and everything.   Anger and verbal attack.  Turn it all around and get angry.

I suppose the answer is that it keeps people away as they know it likely if they say anything that doesnt go along with the theatre play that is his life, they will be attacked with anger. 

Anything that doesn't stick to the script he has written is treated with anger.

Anger and "poor me, poor me, poor me".   It's all deflection.  Dont want to take responsibility for anything.

Thats why Medium Chill works so well.  It allows the PD to keep to their theatre play life so dont need to lash out.  Gives some peace and quiet to those around them.

We have had doctors and health workers visiting as uPD H so unwell now,

I didnt want to carry it on my shoulders, which was what uPD H seemed to want. 

I contacted our Medical Centre to hand it over to them. So medical help for him and support for me. Whether the support for me will actually be of any help, I have yet to find out.  HIs illness not the real problem, his uPD and alcoholism are the real problem.

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Wild Lupines

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Re: Why is the PD default setting anger?
« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2018, 02:15:40 PM »
This is my NPD's default too.

Sometimes I feel he is deliberately passive and does things to spark a reason to get angry. That's when he feels he can *assert* himself.

Mine is in therapy and a men's group. He was telling me how he told his men's group about his last rage at me. The leader interrupted him and said I wasn't the cause of his anger and didn't deserve it. The leader he was really angry at this dad for pulling a histrionic fit and took it out on me. My fellow was genuinely perplexed at that because he said he didn't feel mad at his dad at all. Someplace deep inside him are real feelings but he often isn't aware of them unless it is anger and it is directed at me.


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MRound

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Re: Why is the PD default setting anger?
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2018, 09:33:01 AM »
Mine is angry and nasty, and I think it is a mechanism to protect his “soft parts”. He is so sensitive to any possibility that he might be responsible for anything, he lashes out preemptively.  It is pretty pitiful, frankly. 

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Why is the PD default setting anger?
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2018, 12:15:49 PM »
 :yeahthat:

AOD

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blunk

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Re: Why is the PD default setting anger?
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2018, 12:19:37 PM »
My BPDxh used to tell me just that...you know my first response will always be anger. You just have to wait a while and then we can talk about it  :stars:

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Starboard_Song

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Re: Why is the PD default setting anger?
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2018, 12:33:16 PM »
I have a little more generous interpretation.

When we are wronged, we get angry. If our neighbor walked up and called one of us names, and threw a beer in our face before storming off and crashing down our mailbox, we'd be angry. We'd be angry because we felt attacked.

I think it is important to acknowledge that a personality disorder is a disorder. I think some disorders cause the individual to feel under attack when they are not. You aren't raising your child like I raised you? You are attacking me as a pad parent. You want to have Christmas at your own home? You are saying you don't love me.

They don't make this stuff up, I don't think. They feel it. They believe it.

This doesn't mean we must be sympathetic to the point of allowing ourselves to be abused. Not at all. We owe the world our self-protection. But protecting ourselves, likewise, doesn't mean we can't try to understand their world.

In our family, we had to go NC with my wife's parents. MIL felt she was under attack, and told us she didn't want to ever again have a relationship. She went on about it for over six months before we unplugged the mic, and went NC. I share this to make it clear I am not defending these folks, and support all means to protect the innocent.

But I also think it is very human and decent to feel sorry for MIL, and her enabling FIL. She really thinks we attacked her and then abandoned her. In subsequent flights of fancy she decided we were even libeling her in the community.

These beliefs are so very real that her husband can't get them out of her.

I feel so much sadness on these people's behalf. When we get here to OOTF we learn we are not alone, and we are not crazy, and that even many strangers can love and support us. These are lessons that the PDs in our lives never get to learn.
Healing From Family Rifts, by Mark Sichel
Stop Walking on Egshells, by Paul Mason
Self-Compassion: the Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Kristen Neff
Mindful Self-Compassion classes (look them up)
Mindfulness, by Mark Williams
Life on the Mississippi, by Mark Twain

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blunk

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Re: Why is the PD default setting anger?
« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2018, 01:11:03 PM »
Starboard_Song, what you are saying makes a lot of sense.

I remember reading (and forgive me I don't remember which book, though I think it may have been Stop Walking on Eggshells) that for a Non-PD facts create feelings - XYZ happened...and it makes me feel this way. For a PD it is reversed, feelings create facts - I feel this way...so XYZ must be true.

I'm not sure that I'm explaining it clearly, but I do agree with what you said about them feeling it and believing it.

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Starboard_Song

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Re: Why is the PD default setting anger?
« Reply #7 on: July 11, 2018, 01:42:25 PM »
Oh yes! Emotions = Facts.

This is a sample conversation template from our home:


Enabling FIL: We have to deal with the emotions involved.

Me: Yes. Those emotions are real, and sincere, and very deep, and we regret that she feels so hurt. We know you're angry, and we regret that, too. We very much want to heal these wounds.

Enabling FIL: Good. That's better. She feels that you went behind her back and said [thing we didn't say] and bought the [thing we didn't buy]. And further, you lied about [the thing we didn't lie about] with calloused disregard for her clear interests [that weren't clear at all].

Me:Oh, I see. Well, this is good news. We didn't do those things, but I can understand how hurtful it would be if we had. Let me walk you through the emails and conversations so you and she can both understand what really transpired.

Enabling FIL: Didn't I just tell you we have to deal with the emotions involved?

Me:  .....

Enabling FIL:  ....

Me:  .....

Healing From Family Rifts, by Mark Sichel
Stop Walking on Egshells, by Paul Mason
Self-Compassion: the Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Kristen Neff
Mindful Self-Compassion classes (look them up)
Mindfulness, by Mark Williams
Life on the Mississippi, by Mark Twain

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Tammy728

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Re: Why is the PD default setting anger?
« Reply #8 on: July 14, 2018, 02:38:13 PM »
Dr. Phil claims that anger is "nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear, and/or frustration". For a long time I disagreed, but watching my hubby spend many years in bpd/bipolar treatment I do agree with the statement. It has only been in the past couple years I came to realize that his road rages were a reaction to something else. That something was fear. When he raged, I yelled out in fear. This caused his own fear to escalate even further leading to even more rage. He never understood why he lashed out. He was wasn't tuned into his own feelings enough to recognize the fear.