Very concerned about my friend

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slugsandsnails

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Very concerned about my friend
« on: July 09, 2018, 07:44:42 PM »
Hi, all! This is by way of a follow-up to my previous post headed "Clash of beliefs with my friend - not sure what to do!" Well, that particular issue has been resolved but it has dawned on me that my concern for my friend has been growing over the past few months. I know that if she thought I was posting about it on a forum she wouldn't be best pleased, but I am genuinely worried.

I've been friends with this lady on and off since the mid 1980's. Her childhood was terrible as her mother was pretty abusive, and her father also (he used to hit her mother and once dragged her up the garden by the hair!) He & my friend have a good relationship now though, but her relationship with her mother is very rocky and punctuated by periods of NC.

Anyway, my friend is geting divorced from her husband of 25 years. They have 3 children, the youngest of which is 17. Her husband is disabled. I really can't get a handle on eactly what's gone on but my friend has nothing but contempt for her husband now. It's all to do with being taken for granted and not being treated with respect. She says it's time her husband learned to stand on his own 2 feet, but I'm not sure how he's going to manage that as he's not well enough to work. I do feel really sorry for her children though - she & her husband are now moving to other parts of the UK & the youngest is feeling extremely insecure - I'm not sure where she's going to live.

Anyway, it's none of my business - i just hope it all works out for the best & that my friend is happy. She's going to a strange part of the world where she knows no-one, has no job and no money so I guess it might be very hard for her. But it's her life.

She is, as I said before, a druid, and has been taking me to Druidic things - as I explained before, I'm increasingly uncomfortable with this given my commitment to the Franciscans. But it's not that, really - she has been coming out with some really odd stuff. Recently she told me that while she was asleep, the leader of the local druids got into her mind in order to find stuff out about her. That actually quite alarmed me. She also claims to have been conversing with trees. She says that her daughter, the youngest, is extremely psychic & "sees dead people". She is taking her eldest son to this druid leader for counselling. As I say, it's her life and her choices but alarm bells are ringing for me.

She also says that her Mum deserved the violent treatment she got from her father - because she wound him up. She said she'd have done the same! That worried me - her Mum is a total flake & very annoying but there is never an excuse for violence.

Now I've said all that, I must stress that my friend has always been really kind to me & has been showing me a great deal of attention & affection over the last year in particular. She totally understands my issues with my parents & has listned to me going on about them, which I appreciate very much! She's also got me out of the house! I have never thought that she might have a PD, but i am beginning to wonder given what's been happening. What do people think? my intention hasn't been to bad-mouth her, but to express concern. I know I can't fix her life. I know I've got many of my own troubles to face! I'm also suspecting that once she moves 200 miles away, that might be "it", even though she says she still wants to keep in touch.
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly for you tread on my dreams.
~ W. B. Yeats

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Very concerned about my friend
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2018, 05:18:33 AM »
I think there are two aspects to this:
The way she treats you and what you get out of this relationship - which I understand to be emotional support and a positive experience for you
and
her perception of reality as compared to yours. She seems to live in a world of mind reading, ghosts, and miracles and you not so much.

If you think what she is doing to her kids is dangerous you could alert authorities to investigate. Otherwise you might choose to take from the friendship was is good for you and do with her what you enjoy doing and leave the rest. Pretty much what you have done so far.

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slugsandsnails

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Re: Very concerned about my friend
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2018, 08:32:23 AM »
Thanks, notrightinthehead. I've now realised that in some ways the situation was triggering me (to use the modern phrase!) because it reminded me of my own parent's marriage break-up - my brother and I were ignored and our feelings invalidated. We were simply pulled along behind the adults like so much luggage. I'm sure my friend's situation isn't as bad as that and I recognise that some of this at least is "my stuff", and not hers, although I am genuinely concerned about her as a friend, and hope that all will be well.

Something odd happened yesterday. She messaged me to ask if I'd had a good weekend away and to say that she's found a house - I messaged back to say I was very pleased for her. We had a loose arrangement to go to the cinema this week, so I asked if she still wanted to go. She messaged back to say yes, and listed some days she couldn't go. I replied saying why not make it tonight, and gave her the film times. Well, I know she's read the message because my phone says so, but she hasn't replied, which is really strange. I'm not sure what we're doing now! Don't know if I should message her again, or what - don't want to pester her as I know she's got a lot on her plate! Maybe I'll send her a message after lunch?
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly for you tread on my dreams.
~ W. B. Yeats

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JollyJazz

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Re: Very concerned about my friend
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2018, 09:32:16 AM »
If its said she's read it, I would just leave it. Hmm...

Quote
She also says that her Mum deserved the violent treatment she got from her father - because she wound him up. She said she'd have done the same! That worried me - her Mum is a total flake & very annoying but there is never an excuse for violence.

I feel like there could be some red flags here. The thing is, when we have had PD upbringings we often end up around similar types or in similar situations to what we were brought up in, until we do a lot of healing on ourselves. Typically (from what I've been told) we either end up the abuser or a victim. I am not sure about your friend. Maybe just keep your friend in just the way that you feel comfortable. But if you want to, you can always distance a little. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Completely up to you :) But always good to trust your gut, and to be discerning about people... it is actually healthy and not something to be ashamed of at all :)

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slugsandsnails

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Re: Very concerned about my friend
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2018, 10:47:25 AM »
If its said she's read it, I would just leave it. Hmm...

Quote
She also says that her Mum deserved the violent treatment she got from her father - because she wound him up. She said she'd have done the same! That worried me - her Mum is a total flake & very annoying but there is never an excuse for violence.

I feel like there could be some red flags here. The thing is, when we have had PD upbringings we often end up around similar types or in similar situations to what we were brought up in, until we do a lot of healing on ourselves. Typically (from what I've been told) we either end up the abuser or a victim. I am not sure about your friend. Maybe just keep your friend in just the way that you feel comfortable. But if you want to, you can always distance a little. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Completely up to you :) But always good to trust your gut, and to be discerning about people... it is actually healthy and not something to be ashamed of at all :)

Thanks, JollyJazz. I do like my friend & she's been very kind to me in many ways. She's acting slightly oddly at the moment though. My gut is telling me to be wary but I'm not sure what of yet!

I hadn't heard from her about going to the cinema last night so I messaged her about it, and got the strange message back that she was feeling overwhelmed at the moment & couldn't make any plans until next week, and that she hoped I understood. I messaged back saying that of course, I understood & she was to take as much time as she needed. However, I then remembered that she was supposed to be taking me to the doctors tomorrow - clearly she had forgotten but I didn't feel it was prudent to remind her if she was feeling stressed out, but another friend has kindly stepped into the breach (I wouldn't have minded taking a taxi - but I really don't want Mum to find out about this appointment!)

I've now had a message from my friend asking me if I wanted to go with her to sacred singing at the goddess centre next Wednesday! I've been before but am feeling wary as it probably isn't compatible with my vocation - I want to talk with my spiritual director about it. It would seem that my friend has forgotten all about the cinema too! i can only assume she didn't want to go. I'm not sure what to do now. Stupidly I said I would go with her next week, but i haven't had time to think it through. I know I can always change my mind but I think I'm going to have to level with her, Why is my gut nudging at me like mad?!
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly for you tread on my dreams.
~ W. B. Yeats

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JollyJazz

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Re: Very concerned about my friend
« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2018, 05:15:51 AM »
Hmmm...

Its great that your friend has been very kind to you :)

You want a friendship where it is based on equality. So you both do things that suit you both. If you don't want to go to the pagan singing, just say you don't want to go. If you would prefer to do neutral things, go for a time that suits you. Be wary if you start to notice that all the times you hang out its on her terms... I don't know if it is or not. It sounds like you had a good experience with this friend before with saying no to something that didn't suit. Maybe try again if you don't want to. It is TOTALLY okay to change your mind as well. Good luck! :)

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clara

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Re: Very concerned about my friend
« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2018, 12:56:50 PM »
This might be totally wrong, but I wonder if your friend is getting advice re. how she should feel about her husband, her family etc.  It would explain why suddenly she seems to be saying and doing unexpected things, i.e. someone else is telling her what to do.  Like I said, I can be way off base about this but I'll relate what I know re. my own pagan friend who I no longer see/hear from.  The leader of her group, who was a very nice man and someone I liked a lot, also acted as a type of therapist as well as spiritual director.  The "therapy" was religion-based, so the perceptions of what was going on was different from what someone not with those beliefs would perceive.  Like I said, it's just a possibility.  But if it's the case, you can't do much about it since we're talking belief systems here.  You and her are not on the same page with this. 

But I also agree with what jollyjazz said--be wary if she only wants to do things she wants to do and tries to control all your activities.  She may not be PD but she could have a lot of fleas. 

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slugsandsnails

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Re: Very concerned about my friend
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2018, 09:46:26 PM »
Hmmm...

Its great that your friend has been very kind to you :)

You want a friendship where it is based on equality. So you both do things that suit you both. If you don't want to go to the pagan singing, just say you don't want to go. If you would prefer to do neutral things, go for a time that suits you. Be wary if you start to notice that all the times you hang out its on her terms... I don't know if it is or not. It sounds like you had a good experience with this friend before with saying no to something that didn't suit. Maybe try again if you don't want to. It is TOTALLY okay to change your mind as well. Good luck! :)

Thanks, JollyJazz! I think my friend and I ae on very different paths, but I still like her! I haven't cried off the pagan singing yet, but I don't think that my cinema-trip is going to happen, somehow! However, if she tries to get me involved in any more "pagan stuff", I'm going to have to say no (nicely, but still no!) I still don't quite understand her life-choices currently (moving hundreds of miles away from her family & children) but they are not my decisions to make. I guess we'll just have to see what happens!
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly for you tread on my dreams.
~ W. B. Yeats

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slugsandsnails

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Re: Very concerned about my friend
« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2018, 09:48:13 PM »
This might be totally wrong, but I wonder if your friend is getting advice re. how she should feel about her husband, her family etc.  It would explain why suddenly she seems to be saying and doing unexpected things, i.e. someone else is telling her what to do.  Like I said, I can be way off base about this but I'll relate what I know re. my own pagan friend who I no longer see/hear from.  The leader of her group, who was a very nice man and someone I liked a lot, also acted as a type of therapist as well as spiritual director.  The "therapy" was religion-based, so the perceptions of what was going on was different from what someone not with those beliefs would perceive.  Like I said, it's just a possibility.  But if it's the case, you can't do much about it since we're talking belief systems here.  You and her are not on the same page with this. 

But I also agree with what jollyjazz said--be wary if she only wants to do things she wants to do and tries to control all your activities.  She may not be PD but she could have a lot of fleas.

Thanks, clara. That's an interesting point you make - I hadn't thought that someone else could be influencing her. Still, it's her life! I just hope that everything turns out OK for her. She and I are on very different life-paths now. Possibly we will end up not understanding each other, which would be a great shame. I guess we'll just have to see!
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly for you tread on my dreams.
~ W. B. Yeats