From outside that tunnel that had the light at the end

  • 9 Replies
  • 237 Views
*

openskyblue

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 2304
From outside that tunnel that had the light at the end
« on: July 12, 2018, 03:59:52 PM »
This week marks the third year of my journey OOTF.  When I started here I was a traumatized, terrified, exhausted, unemployed person, who knew something was terribly wrong with her marriage and husband. I was isolated from friends and family, could barely focus, and had no clue how we would pay the mortgage or electric bill that month, much less how I could ever live on my own.  Today, I am divorced, I have a good job and a nice place to live, some money in the bank, and my relationships with my family and friends are healthy and supportive -- most especially with my kids. I have absolutely NC with my ex husband. I've stopped beating myself up for marrying a sociopath. Finally, I am not looking at the light at the end of the tunnel -- I'm outside of the tunnel standing in the light.

So, I felt that I couldn't let this anniversary go by without doing two things...

First:  Thank you, thank you, thank you to this amazing online community (that is so much more)!  I could not have pulled myself out of the sh**storm I was living in without the many kind, wise, understanding, generous people here who held my hand, urged me on, shared so much about their own lives, and even sometimes told me I needed to get a clue. You are all wonderful. There are so many times when I think of you and your words as I walk around and the many gifts you've given me.

Second:  If you are deep in that tunnel, desperate, feeling lost and unsure and scared, believe me, I was right there where you are. Getting OOTF, sometimes feels utterly overwhelming. It can be an excruciating "baby steps" exercise, just when you want nothing more than to floor it out of your present life. There were many times I didn't think I would make it. All I can say is that believing that you will get to the other side has incredible power in and of itself, even when you can't see the actual steps to get you there. Keep breathing, take the best care of yourself you can, collapse when you need to. If you can look up, you can get up -- and carry on. So many of us here have been in your shoes. You got this!

So much has happened on this journey, packed into these years. It was all worth it. I'm a better person and, hopefully, a wiser one.

Thank you, OOTF!

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

*

blunk

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 504
Re: From outside that tunnel that had the light at the end
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2018, 05:01:48 PM »
Openskyblue, I'm so glad that you're able to celebrate such a wonderful accomplishment! It's so overwhelming when we're going through it, so it's nice to be able to stand in the light and appreciate how far we have come!
Wishing you continued peace and happiness.

*

Summer Sun

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 1005
Re: From outside that tunnel that had the light at the end
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2018, 09:56:47 PM »
Well done!!  So wonderful of you to share your journey OOTF, the challenges, successes, growth and contentment.  You’ve made it!!

Thank YOU for being an INSPIRATION to so many of us!!

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

*

practical

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 6725
Re: From outside that tunnel that had the light at the end
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2018, 10:42:06 PM »
So happy for you :fireworks:

And thank you for sharing and the words of encouragement.
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

*

Fightsong

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 664
Re: From outside that tunnel that had the light at the end
« Reply #4 on: July 13, 2018, 05:37:56 AM »
Heart warming loveliness.

*

Malini

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 1335
Re: From outside that tunnel that had the light at the end
« Reply #5 on: July 13, 2018, 05:43:08 AM »
Openskyblue - your story and journey is a testament to you and I'm so pleased you have been able to turn your life around against so many odds.

That tunnel can be so long and dark and the light at the end a tiny flicker. Thank you for sharing here, it's such an inspiration and gives hope to us all, hope that it is possible to break free and lead fulfilling lives surrounded by healthy, kind and supportive people.

 :applause: :hug:
"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

'I think it's important to realise that you can miss something, but not want it back' Paul Coelho

*

SonofThunder

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 559
Re: From outside that tunnel that had the light at the end
« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2018, 10:01:54 AM »
Openskyblue,

Thank you for sharing your insight from the light.  It is a joy to read your writing and I am strengthened by it.  Congratulations on your perseverance through those dark times and for your strength in picking yourself up and working very hard at rebuilding. 

I am currently at an impasse in my marriage, as I have been ootf for about 2 years and my uPDw is in heavy discard mode because I disengaged the ‘caretaker’ role.  I am loving her, but am not ‘in love’ with her.  I am allowing myself to begin healing by simply caring but not caretaking.  In a desperate last attempt to try and get me back in the caretaker role, my uPDw is using every textbook PD trait to corner me into a very tough spot and she knows the first 25 of 27 years, she was able to succeed with these tactics, but being ootf now, she is finding her PD arrows bouncing off the target.   They are not missing the target, but bouncing off, and I am quickly getting very tired of being struck by PD arrows. 

Again your writing to share your journey into the light is an encouragement for me today.  Thank you.

SoT
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

*

openskyblue

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 2304
Re: From outside that tunnel that had the light at the end
« Reply #7 on: July 13, 2018, 05:06:32 PM »
SonofThunder, I can very much remember getting weary of similar arrows. I'd say the last year I lived with my ex, I survived many days by imagining myself being surrounded by a protective bubble. Defensive visualization! 

Withdrawing from the caretaker role is very hard work -- both in terms of going against what has been your role for years (and may be your nature) and in terms of dealing with the resentment coming at you.

Hang in there!  It sounds like you are on the right path for you. 

Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

*

openskyblue

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 2304
Re: From outside that tunnel that had the light at the end
« Reply #8 on: July 13, 2018, 05:10:55 PM »
Openskyblue - your story and journey is a testament to you and I'm so pleased you have been able to turn your life around against so many odds.

That tunnel can be so long and dark and the light at the end a tiny flicker. Thank you for sharing here, it's such an inspiration and gives hope to us all, hope that it is possible to break free and lead fulfilling lives surrounded by healthy, kind and supportive people.

 :applause: :hug:

Thanks so much, Malini! I vividly remember reading similar "I made it out!" posts when I was slogging along through the dark. It's what's so great about this community -- we can pull each other along. I know that there will still be the tough time here and there, because my ex and I have children together and that's just life, but life is so much better out here.

I think what I had not realized is the power of those trauma bonds and just how much energy they suck out of a person. That's a revelation!

Wishing much light and blessed rest!
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

*

practical

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 6725
Re: From outside that tunnel that had the light at the end
« Reply #9 on: July 13, 2018, 11:15:30 PM »

I think what I had not realized is the power of those trauma bonds and just how much energy they suck out of a person. That's a revelation!


This is what I realized after F broke off contact with me, I had had no idea how much energy his mere presence - even from an ocean away - took away from me, how much more so when you are living with the person.

Really happy for you and you seem to put all this extra energy to good use  :)
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)