Birthday Parties

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logistics

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Birthday Parties
« on: July 12, 2018, 09:10:13 PM »
The in laws and birthday parties.  MIL wants to know when we will have D birthday party. The birthday party all the relatives kept inviting themselves.  I had no idea 14 yo neice would bring her boyfriend. Spouse is we had enough food.  Yes, luck my we over plan. Didn't have sitting and tables set up for all that showed up.  Now a birthday party is being planned, at our house, because MIL wants a party so she can over spend forcing me to over spend for a party we can't afford this year. I just wanted to keep it simple.  I have to work around my schedule and spouses.

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Medowynd

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Re: Birthday Parties
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2018, 10:47:58 PM »
Your house, your rules.  You do not have to allow MIL to force you to spend what you donít have.  Time to take control of your own schedule, house and time.

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practical

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Re: Birthday Parties
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2018, 10:50:18 PM »
Why do you have to overspend? Make it a potluck "we have decided on a potluck style party, it has such a wonderful family feeling" or a "BYOB" or whatever your main concern is, or say "I have discovered simple living for myself so there will only be X and Y". You do you and that is that. You cannot please them anyway, be good enough or do it right, so you might as well do it so you are okay, your finances are okay, and maybe MIL will stop inviting herself and everybody else too?
ďIf Iím not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Iím only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?Ē (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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logistics

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Re: Birthday Parties
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2018, 11:53:25 PM »
Spouse wants the party. It's the one day that the in laws show how wonderful they are because they over indulge in gifts. My family is not that rich so gifts are smaller.  I do all the planning, prep, shopping, cleaning and tidying up after.  The other 364 days spouse ignores the children.  The food, supplies and errands is more than I would like to spend.  I don't need to buy their love. Simple family time celebrating their birthday is all I feel they need. Children and I went to daughter favorite spot for her birthday. Having an annual party just encourages gift giving which should be voluntary not expected.  Am I out of line?  Is it really about the child?, which my spouse mumbles under breath.

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daughter

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Re: Birthday Parties
« Reply #4 on: July 13, 2018, 11:17:20 AM »
It's not about DD's birthday.  It's not for DD, not really.  It's actually about hosting DH's family once a year for a "show-time" dinner. I dealt with "Daughter as de facto restaurant" for my npd-enmeshed FOO Family for years.  They came, they monopolized all conversation and mostly ignored me, they ate, they unwrapped gifts (or watched kids do it), then they left.  (My inlaws weren't allowed to even participate, not without triggering NBM's outrage and resulting overt rudeness at such shared event.) Label it for what it is, forced entertainment, and respond accordingly.  But require DH to help, meaning he has specific tasks to perform at specific times, and is required to remain glued to his mother during said event.  (No going into another room to watch/talk sports with menfolk.)  Me, I adopted an ALDI (discount grocery store) approach to these mandatory-hosted dinner parties for difficult relatives: pork tenderloin, bagged salad mix, another vegetable, a starch (rice, couscous, or potato), and a cake for desert.  ALDI wine and beer, no mixed drinks.  Nuts, cheese board, and vegetables w/dip for stand-up appetizers.  Easy to cook, three-hour max entertainment-time for these relatives, hustling them in and out of house.

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Bloomie

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Re: Birthday Parties
« Reply #5 on: July 13, 2018, 12:32:07 PM »
logistics - this sounds lovely:
Quote from: logistics
Simple family time celebrating their birthday is all I feel they need. Children and I went to daughter favorite spot for her birthday.

If this is what your husband wants for his family in celebration of your child and that you do not see the value in, or need for, then maybe it is time for him to pull it off. Start to finish.

Quote from: daughter
I dealt with "Daughter as de facto restaurant" for my npd-enmeshed FOO Family for years.  They came, they monopolized all conversation and mostly ignored me, they ate, they unwrapped gifts (or watched kids do it), then they left.

:yeahthat: This was me as well, until it wasn't. And only I could change that.  :unsure:

It has been interesting to see how many of the family "traditions" that were so important to people have gone by the wayside since bloomie the ever lovin' hostess aka handmaiden and chief bottle washer resigned her post and has taken a more collaborative approach to festivities and celebrations... as in it is time for others to pitch in.  :yes:
Bloomie 🌸
"Manipulation is deception at its highest art form. It is my attempt to make you believe that what is best for me is best for you." Beth Moore

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logistics

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Re: Birthday Parties
« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2018, 03:03:31 PM »
Daughter thank you exactly my point and experience. I couldn't have said it better. Bloomer it's what spouse wants but I get stuck with all the work. I must put down my foot with spouse more often.

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Medowynd

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Re: Birthday Parties
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2018, 03:13:02 PM »
Yep.  Let spouse do the shopping, planning and cleaning.  That will the last party he would probably ever host.  Maybe you can take yourself out of the house and return just as the party is starting.  That will really give the spouse the opportunity to shine.