Reboot

Started by maybeimthecrazyone, July 14, 2018, 03:00:26 PM

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maybeimthecrazyone

I will be attempting to enter graduate school soon. Pre-requisites have been relatively easy to pass with good marks, however the hurdles to even qualify to apply for the graduate degree is challenging. The recent separation makes it even more difficult as I am distracted by the ruminations surrounding the end of our 7 year rollercoaster ride.

I have to move to a new city where the school is. That's goal #1.
Pass the GRE, pass the last few pre-reqs at the new school, complete volunteer hours need to be accomplished by the end of application date this winter.

We shall see. If all goes perfect, I'll be accepted for the program mid year and graduate late 2021. That's if everything goes perfect.

I'm open to the possibility things will not go as planned, and there will be a lull before I can start the program.

I've recently purchased a book that mentioned MBSR, Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction. It is essentially meditation for stress relief. I've found a free 8 week  (no strings attached amazingly, well created) program online which Id like to integrate into my life. Being single in a new city, I'll have alot of free time outside of school. I feel like I need it moreso due to the constant post separation malaise.

Also, the recent fighting has knocked me off my exercise and healthy eating routine. I'd like to get back in the fold. It's only been a couple weeks of neglect. If I continue to neglect myself, it'll take much longer to heal.

Id like to write more. There are things that need to be put out into the Universe. The new city I am to move to has a writers meetup. We'll see.

I feel like I used to be such a happy, creative, funny guy before poop hit the fan. I'd like to find that guy again.


Sun

I like the sound of your plan :-)  It sounds comfortably ambitious.  Seems you have a bit of self care in place too.  I wish you all the best and would love you to keep us updated.  (I don't think this board gets a lot of traffic)

practical

It sounds like you have reflected on where you want to go and also on how to find parts of you again that were lost during your relationship as well as enriching your life with new things. You might be in a better place than you realize, as this shows a level of groundedness and good self-care. Wishing you all the best! :cheer:
If I'm not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I'm only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?" (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

maybeimthecrazyone

I may be talking a good game, but I fear it can all come crashing down at any time. I feel pangs of despair and hopelessness.  Lots of anger. Sadness pushed aside. Things should resolve and I should be well on my new path in less than 30 days but it feels like slogging thru a tar pit.

Thank you for the encouragement. It feels good to be heard and validated.

practical

The key is, despite feeling like you are moving through a tar pit, you are moving, you are making the effort, instead of standing still and possibly going under. The feelings of despair, hopelessness, anger, sadness, they are in a way healthy as a reaction of what you went through. You are seeing them, feeling them and dealing with them as you can, as your strength allows you, and meanwhile you are also trying to create a new future for yourself. Really, hat up to you! It isn't just about "talking a good game", you are doing it, babysteps can be huge steps too.
If I'm not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I'm only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?" (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

maybeimthecrazyone

I have been accepted to graduate school.

SparkStillLit


Whatthehey

Congratulations maybeimthecrazyone!   That is incredible news and very uplifting for myself and all of us!

I am impressed with your plan.  You have put together a thoughtful and thorough plan.  Despite the fear and anxiety, you are moving.  Impressive.

capybara

Maybe, congrats!!! Good for you!

Practical, what you wrote is so true and brought tears to my eyes. Even if i spend a day dealing with my breakup and my feelings, at least i'm moving me forward and not just coping with BPDH's emotions.

1footouttadefog

#9
Sounds like a wonderful way to transition from one chapter to another. 

Almost like you will be in a protected coccoon while immersing yourself in the world of academia only to later reemerge. 

I hope you enjoy your new location and the social interactions at the University.  There are so many safe opportunities to be around others and enjoy their company when attending a University.  Safe in that they can be fascinating and stimulating without the stresses found in work place or when dating. 

I hope you find just the right place to live with healthy markets and food options surrounding you. 

I hope you find your self immersed in positive learning experienced and social interactions and find no room for rumminations.

maybeimthecrazyone

It's been about 1.5 years and I've been content with single life and the peace that no contact brings. While still only sprouting from ground zero, a cautious yearning to be in a love relationship has finally returned - hope that I can still achieve a loving, healthy relationship. Maybe even kids one day.  Even some sappy Pop 40 songs are speaking to me!

Thanks for the encouraging words. Peace.


maybeimthecrazyone

I've completed my first semester of grad school. I am doing well.

If my emotions and inner peace is a body of water, contact from the ex is like a mere raindrop that does not disturb my serenity.

For whatever reason, it was my choice to stay in misery.  I realize that now.




PeanutButter

Hi maybeimtheonecrazyone. Congratulations!  :applause: IMO you can be proud of where you are and how far you have come. I was reading your back story. I appreciate ALL you have shared. I am impressed by your journey outofthefog. You are a shining example of the process ime. Thank you. Keep doing you, you are great at it :drinks:
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

maybeimthecrazyone

Hello Stranger Friends.

Another semester in the books. 5 more and I will have my first Masters... in my 40s.

This year yielded tremendous growth for me. Single for almost two years, I went on several awesome dates. Unfortunately, things did not work out. Nonetheless, I felt free from all loyalty, guilt, or etc with my previous partner with whom I had a tumultuous relationship.  The ex tried to reconcile with me multiple times, but I did not yield. That was a pivotal experience and surprising since it had been two years post breakup that she came around.

Anyways, if you are in a bad relationship, you owe it to yourself to be free and not unhappy.  I do understand now, at least for me, that the reason I stayed in such a bad place was that it gave me meaning. Whereas at first it was about trying to be in love and in a relationship, in hindsight, it was apparent very early on in the relationship that it was not possible, but being in the bad relationship and TRYING even if it was harmful to me somehow gave me purpose.

Some things are more meaningful than others. I wouldnt have convalesced so quickly had I not committed to a new direction. Similarly, having a grander purpose has been protective in guarding my heart as I stumble through dating again in my 40s. Like, dating/finding a mate is secondary, so if it doesnt work out, no worries.

Be kind to yourself.

Free2Bme

Hi maybeimthecrazyone,

I'm guessing you have two semesters behind you now? You are well on your way!  The coursework can be really demanding and your time is not your own, this will not last forever. 

It seems you have learned so much about yourself.  I have to believe that one day you will find someone to share you life with and it will be based on something very different that your prior relationship.  We grow in adversity. 

Meanwhile, I hope you are making friends and not still dealing with loneliness.  It can take a while when you relocate, especially with the added complication of Covid. 

Take care and update here when you can  :)



maybeimthecrazyone

3 years after OP.

After this last fall semester, I will be interning at the hospital for half of 2022 and then I will be a healthcare professional after passing boards. It is a foregone conclusion.

I come back here to read my words after milestones and I try to remember how it was. I was raw and hopeless. It's funny to read I hadn't even been accepted into the grad school. I had not imagined getting to this point so easily.

I don't drink any more.
I exercise 5x a week.
I mostly study.

Aside from short term dating I've been single. I yearn for connection, but I think after so many years and being older, I am comfortable alone.

She tried to contact me recently. Some new drama, albeit seemingly a bonafide life event, still... that's how it always felt. I did not respond.

I've read all the books. Self esteem, attachment trauma, confidence, ACT/CBT, etc. They have helped. Must of the damage did not come from the toxic relationship. The relationship merely revealed and exaccerbated the worst of the accumulated trauma and maladaptive ways I had learned to cope or think of myself because of younger childhood experiences. Boundary issues? Someone violated them long ago and made it okay for others to trample them. Self esteem issues? Someone told me I wasn't worth anything so I believed it when the toxic relationship came along. Attachment issues? What abandoned child can learn secure attachment on his own when he's perpetually attracted or triggered by the unavailable avoidant ones that mimic his earlier childhood experiences of feeling excluded, unwanted, or abandoned?

At least my albatross now have names and they aren't as burdensome around my neck.

I fear? maybe a better word is lament for the immediate future. The wonderful students, professors, and campus which have been my life for several years will exit stage right. While new characters will enter, a new environment will be lit on stage, nonetheless I will miss them. 

For the last few years, I had a defined checklist of goals. After I graduate, it is less explicit and mundane eg. Get job, get promotion, maybe vacations, shinier car. Yes, I know, I need to repopulate my life goals with something... That's where all the anxiety and fear is coming from!

Anyways, life is better. I need some new future goals!

Here's hoping you are achieving your Future Goals... if it's your first steps, hey, look here... 3 years after. Time goes by fast, maybe not as slow when things are miserable. Either way, Time goes.

maybeimthecrazyone

Dear Diary,

I graduated and have been offered a job.
In the last year, I met someone.
She is so positive, happy, uplifting, and attentive. She is the kind of person I think I can have a healthy relationship with.

On a rare occasion, I react protectively to benign situations. I think I'm still healing. Having had my boundaries trampled years ago, I'm sometimes much more assertive than I need to be when I perceive a boundary may potentially be breached or I'm starting to feel influenced too strongly. Surprisingly, she gives me space and does not punish me for doing so and she still seems to love me.

Anyways, all is well.  I appreciate this site exists. I come read my words at least once a year. Its like a pilgrimage into a forgotten past.

FYI if youre in a shitty relationship, things can be better.
Get on a bus Gus, Make a new plan Stan.