...oh joy...

[D.Dan]

This is just a vent.

My bro1 whom I suspect is a narc is supposedly coming out of jail at the end of the week. I'm not looking forward to this. He is already trying to convince me to do stuff for him, that he doesn't NEED me to do but (I'm only guessing) to see how much influence he has over me. None.

Previous experience with him from just last summer while I was in the beginning of my divorce is as follows:

- he abused and misused the privilege of me allowing him access to my van
- he has robbed me in several different ways
- did meth in my house in the presence of my autistic children
- left power tools plugged in, also in the presence of my children
- he would bring random strangers to my home, and keep them there for about 2 days at a time until he felt like taking them home ( they were using my shower, sleeping on my couch, painting my basement)
- every time he ran out of meth, he would lie down on my bathroom (only one at my house) floor, run the shower on cold, and demand people give him his insulin (type 1 diabetic), get him soda, and get him food, then refuse to move for at least 3 hours (yes the shower running the whole time, no one was allowed to use the toilet) or more which would happen at least twice a week
- lies like there's no tomorrow eg., he does tattoos sometimes to make extra money, so he told me he was giving a friend a small tattoo on her forehead, it would be 1/2 hour, in my kitchen just keep the kids away...well what happened was he set up tattoo equipment 1/2 hr before use then proceeded to have friend give HIM a large tattoo that covered his hand and took 5 hrs to do while STILL telling me it was only going to be 1/2 hr ( kitchen is not blocked off, so I had to physically block my kids for 5 1/2 hrs from the kitchen)
- attempted to break my face (literally punch my face in like on tv, if he did it I definitely would have had a broken nose) because I wouldn't call his girlfriend and explain why he wasn't going to give her back her very expensive vehicle (he was supposed to return it the night before, and he was doing the meth withdrawal, hang out in the bathroom thing), I did not know he had a girlfriend (he was saying her vehicle was his from a partnership deal, as in a job) so I didn't have her number
-I had to call the cops on him twice to make him leave due to his violent behaviour towards me, he got arrested the 2nd time because there were warrants out for his arrest
-has no problem running up my bills (his friends ran up my water bill by $400 once), wasting food (he would make himself food, he never bought any or went to the food bank so it was mine and my kids food then leave for 1-2 days come back and ask where his food was, then do it again), driving all night leaving me to fill the gas tank, I had to replace all the tools he stole
-would do half jobs around my house, the deal had been he could stay for free but he needed to help with repairs, eg. he would paint a 1 square foot spot on a wall then get someone else to finish the job and claimed he did all the painting
-he would do 'forced favours' on me, where he would do something for me that I didn't ask for or need and then try to get me to return the favor
-leave his insulin and needles all over my house (autistic kids)
-get our upd mom to be his flying monkey (it is soooo annoying)

I am not looking forward to him getting out. But I will NOT repeat last summer, it took me months to financially recover enough to afford food regularly again! My kids don't deserve that! I don't deserve that!

I'm already seeing the new pattern he is using to try to Hoover me into his disfunction. I hate it!

I'm not looking forward to him being out but I just wanted to vent. Thanks for letting me vent. I've never really had that before.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh I really hope you won't let him in or live with you again. No matter what heart breaking story he will have.

[D.Dan]

Nah, it was just a vent. I can't let him stay with me for even 1 day.

One of my kids needs dental surgery under general anesthetic (fillings), my bro1 knows this and that I'll have a lot of cash saved for this. He WILL rob me!

It's just super annoying, having to remember all the tactics he uses to get in my house.    Main one being our upd mom. She'll try to come over to hang out, give me a break, borrow some movies, get some of bro1's things, borrow (LOL) some money for insulin or food, then invite him over or just let him in. I've learned she'll let him in while I'm sleeping and let him take anything he wants (he's stolen my van once this way).

He can't use my sob story like last summer, he's making it look like he's turning over a new leaf. He's apparently trying to arrange visitations with his child that he's ignored for years. He is also claiming he wants to get on social assistance (he really does need it, just never bothers applying) but needs help for 2 weeks until everything is in order. He can do a lot of damage in 5 minutes let alone 2 weeks.

However he has said some things that makes me suspicious. He tried to convince me last night to harass a complete stranger at their work on his behalf to arrange those visitations with his child, I said "no" so I think I'm getting silent treatment right now! Haha! 

He suffers chronic pain from nerve damage (self inflicted) which is what he used the meth to ease before, they put him on proper pain meds in jail but he's already told me that the meds don't work as well as the meth.

He's already told me some of what he wants to do to my house to help me! He just have to get a few things from the store, this was an implication he'll need to borrow money.

He's already chasing down a new girl that showed some interest in him last fall (I'm betting to freeload off her like all his previous girlfriends).

I'm gearing up to fight his mind bending games, but it just plain sucks! My mom is not allowed in my house anymore either, but she'll still try.

It literally is like watching a very slow train wreck, and knowing they expect me to stay on the tracks and get run over when I don't have to.

[Amethyst Anne]

Can you go to the dentist's office, and prepay on your child's surgery?

[D.Dan]

That's what I plan to due, I just haven't got the estimate yet.

Don't worry, I've moved the money and am using my cash box as a red herring. It's just really annoying to have to think this way. I'm using the surgery money as a way to guarantee my resolve.

[BunnyLover]

I'd tell him he needs to show consistent change in behavior for at least twelve months before you'd trust him enough to let him in the door, much less have him stay there or do any more half-assed projects around your house. It sounds like he's already had second, third, forth, fifth and sixth chances and more to prove he can be trusted and has consistently failed. It is not unreasonable to deny him the chance to take advantage of you and your nuclear family all over again when he has not shown any difference in behavior or attitude.

[D.Dan]

I'm at the point where, even if he showed consistent change, I still wouldn't help him. Too much has happened and I'll probably always be suspicious of him.

No, I just have to become this monstrous person that needs to deny her dying brother entry and help. That was his main tactic before last summer, he would show up suffering either/both meth withdrawal or sugar acidosis (sugar overdose).

He's walked out of the hospital at 1am, with no shoes or jacket while there was light snow on the ground to my door claiming the hospital kicked him out at that time (lie).

He will send our mom as a backdoor way into my house, because he's done it before and she's more than willing to sacrifice me and my kids to make herself seem like a good mother to bro1. He's also a very quick talker, if I give him the opportunity, he will talk circles around me and everybody else to get what he wants. The less opportunities I give, the harder it is for him to gaslight me.

I gotta be willing to be the bad guy when he gets out, even though I'm not a mean person.

[Starboard Song]

I'm at the point where, even if he showed consistent change, I still wouldn't help him.

Good. I was about to jump in to say "do not give him criteria that he must meet before he can stay at your house." Doing so is establishing a moral obligation. PD folks will check those boxes in minimal, technical ways, and then expect you to hold up your end of that bargain.

You can help him, of course. But please: not with your home, not with your money, and not with anything else that might expose you again to any experience like that summer. I am really glad to see that you seem to have made a decision with confidence, and now are in the venting stage, where the dissonance of having to be this way to a sibling is gravelling.

Let me just say, in war time there are innocent young men of high morals and mild personality who get swept up and trained and put to war. Some end up killing even younger men in hand to hand combat. When that happens, we support that young soldier, knowing he did the hard, right thing to survive. Knowing that he didn't create the scenario that forced his hand.

I feel like my PD MIL and her FM husband have done to me what war and circumstance does to those innocent young men. I had to sever family ties; I had to inflict deep anguish in an aging and ill woman; I made my daughter cry and hurt. Like that young soldier, I know I've done the hard, right thing, acting with rectitude in a hostile environment.

Your brother has forced your hand, as you know. Be confident in the rectitude of your intentions.

Our FOC is supposed to be wings and not chains.

[D.Dan]

Thank you for the encouragement starboard_song!

Update:

The games have begun. He got out a day early (old tactic to catch people off guard), and right away lied about needing to get his drivers licence renewed. I've known for a year that he's NEVER had a drivers licence, from motor vehicles, because of the time he rear ended someone in MY van and they wanted to know whose licence and insurance to ding. Wasn't me, I threw him back under the bus where he belonged, he is being held accountable for it.

He has not mentioned once since getting out about visitation with his kid.

He needs to get a doctor to get a prescription for his pain meds (they're not over the counter meds). He said they only gave him a weeks worth from jail. Last night I'm already getting texts about having insulin for him because he's run out and upd mom lied saying I was planning to get some for him. (He can get free insulin from the hospital, which he refuses to get. ) He has not bothered contacting any doctors so far.

He needs his birth certificate to get on social assistance and to get a bank account (I know he doesn't have a copy). He told our sister he's already got an appt with social assistance (funny there's no date or time, and that they make appts twice a week 1 for am, 1 pm). He's also already talking about working instead of social assistance (he's unable to work steady for more than a week, because he screws with his meds). He'd also need what ID he has but it's still at my house (he loses it constantly).

He's already got his eyes set on a girl he plans to romance (freeload ). Right now, he's staying at our mom's (she says she could get evicted if he's caught living there again, due to the damage he caused), not my problem (she survived the homeless shelter last time she made dumb choices and knew where she would end up).

So, nothing has changed at all. Oh joy....

Glad I'm avoiding that bandwagon!

[Summer Sun]

Sometimes there are no words...

[Medowynd]

I hope your mother does not have a key to your house.  I would also suggest cameras if they are in your budget.  Sounds like nothing will deter this guy if he thinks he has a chance to get money or other goods.

[sandpiper]

That was my first thought too - you can't allow your mother to have a key to your house. She's his primary enabler.
Change the locks.
If your mother has a key there is no point asking her to give it back.
That gives her the power.
You just take that away from her by calling a locksmith, and she ceases to be someone who has a key.
If she wants to kick up a stink about that, tough.
You have to protect your children and yourself and if your mother isn't capable of doing that, then this is just tough.
Meth is a terrifying drug, people on meth are violent and dangerous and irrational.
Protect yourself.

[D.Dan]

No worries. I learned from my first apartment not to give my upd mom a key. She had one to watch my fish when I went on vacation, refused to give it back until I was moving. She had also borrowed (stolen) $90 from my apartment while I was at work and didn't bother telling me until she watched me look for the money for a good 15 minutes.

I also have security cameras because of the nearby ex-Inlaws, going onto my property when I wasn't home most of the time, once while I was.

I also have no trouble calling the cops on my bro1 because my kids need me to be healthy and uninjured to take care of them, and I've already done it twice which led to his arrest. Like saying no, following through by calling the police becomes easier and easier.

[D.Dan]

And the fun continues...

He is definitely doing meth again. He wanted to puff up at my house  . He is also supposedly waiting until he knows what social assistance will give him before he starts doing anything. Except, he can't get it without his birth certificate or a bank account which also needs his birth certificate. He is refusing to go to homeless shelters or the food bank. He has run out of meds.

This morning I found a bike I've never seen before in my yard. I gave my upd bro1 a time limit to make it disappear. He is pretending I gave permission to use my yard as a garage/landfill/storage! I will get rid of it if he won't but I am choosing to give a time limit this time (it's the first overstep of boundaries) so he will avoid it in the future (which seems to work with him).

He also claimed that I laughed at him on Friday for needing a shower. I would NEVER do that! To anyone! So the guilt tripping, gas lighting, victimization has started! Yippie..... 

[Starboard Song]

 

[D.Dan]

So...it turns out the mystery bike belongs to one of my sisters kids. Why it's at my house instead of hers is beyond me  but I'm still glad to be able to make it known to upd bro1 that I won't stand for junk being stashed where my kids play.

This is OUR house, NOT his. So that's one problem, possibly averted! 

[D.Dan]

This should get interesting...

My sis was supposed to pick up the bike this morning. It's still here, I have to stick to my time limit due to my children's safety in my yard. The bike can't stay. I plan to give her a last warning text 1 hr before I need my yard, then I get rid of the bike.

It's not my responsibility, I was never consulted, I never agreed to store it, and my kids safety in our yard trumps the security of a mystery bike that showed up one morning all of a sudden!

My sis either has an anger issue, fleas or is pd herself. I try not to cross paths with her because she was a nasty little girl growing up! As far as I know, she picks and chooses when she's going to be nasty as an adult. I don't trust her. She has recent stories as an adult, where she's violent towards someone unnecessarily, and thinks it's hilarious.

[D.Dan]

So, sis flaked and decided to blast me with 15 texts during last 5 minutes before time limit, in b#%ch mode.

Apparently she didn't think she should be held to what she told me, as in that she was coming to get her child's bike this morning. She also didn't think she would need to let me know if she couldn't make it, I guess I was supposed to pick the message up from the vibes sent on the wind?

I'm rigid! I'm threatening her! she'd never toss my stuff! (she'd destroy it!), we're family! How come I'm doing this to her! Why didn't I just lock it in my shed! It's not her fault she didn't where bro1 was gonna store it! 

I told her she knew since yesterday why the bike couldn't stay. She told me she was coming to get it this morning, why would I lock it up on her? I was going out today! Why can't she ask me to store it in my shed? Was she lying about coming to get it? Then she stopped texting me.

I expect to either have to store it in my shed or her to have a tantrum in my yard.... Nice....

I wish everyone on here a lovely day!

[D.Dan]

Wow! 

She came, got the bike and left without saying a word or making a scene! That was unexpected but I ain't looking a gift horse in the mouth. I'm happy she choose to act approprietly in front of my children.

[D.Dan]

Update:

Looks like my sister has decided I'm not a bad guy. Okay, I can live with that. 

Upd bro1 is freeloading off a different relative because our upd mom has decided to be extra crazy right now (people are not following her fantasies of giving tons of $ to her  ). He was complaining about how hard it was to get a doctor and get on social assistance. He didn't seem to understand why they wouldn't just believe he is diabetic and hand over money and powerful narcotics. He also went in with no ID and empty insulin bottles, yeesh....

I think he may be overstaying his welcome at relative's house because now he's lying to me about how awesome of a relationship he has with my kids! How they always listened to him when he babysat them! They're so well behaved! He loves them sooooo much! Riiiight.... And the fact that he's never actually babysat them is just a figment of my imagination. 

I can totally see where this is going...