Itís starting to feel......good ?

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alphaomega

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Itís starting to feel......good ?
« on: August 02, 2018, 01:14:47 AM »
I have been NC for two consecutive weeks now with NPD egg donor.  And while there are moments when I have to catch myself slipping into a false nostalgia, I quickly snap myself out of it by re-reading the list i have compiled of all her horrible amd inexcusable behaviors over the decades.

My reason for going NC was a ďlast strawĒ scenario.  Nothing out of the ordinary really, just her lying and making up fabrications about people I love, and the family I CHOSE (my  FOO is nonexistent for various reasons, her narcissism included).

The longer I am NC, the better Iím feeling. 

Iím actually having moments where my heart doesnít feel ripped out of my chest constantly.  Because while I know Iíve thrown in the towel, I simply could not bear another damn second lying to myself about the truth of her. 

I canít fake it anymore.  I canít even play nice anymore.  I am totally incapable of placating her moods
Another. Single. Second. 

Sheís 85.  Iíve realized my enmeshment solidly in 2012.   I thought I could just put my heart  on the back burner while she chipped away at my soul.  Thinking, she couldnít possible have that long to live. 

So I just ate the shit plate, and swept up the ashes from her controlled burns thinking I was gonna to beat the clock to her eventual demise.

However, There are worse fates that death. 

A slow, evil, theft of someoneís free will, is a horrifying way to exist.  And i couldnít anymore

I just could NOT.

I am reclaiming my self.

And it feels damn good.
« Last Edit: August 02, 2018, 01:16:28 AM by alphaomega »

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Starboard Song

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Re: Itís starting to feel......good ?
« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2018, 04:56:09 AM »
Good for you.

 :like:
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason

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BentNotBroken

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Re: Itís starting to feel......good ?
« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2018, 07:14:12 PM »
Is this your first time going NC? I remember having a honeymoon period after my decision and it was exactly what the doctor ordered. My shoulders relaxed, I could breathe and I felt excited at the prospect of not having to deal with her anymore.

Then the honeymoon stage was over for me and I had to put in the work. New stress came because I wasn't in contact anymore and I let my guard down and let my foo back in. Big mistake! They just wanted me back so I would toe the line and take some more.

I hope you have a completely different experience but just wanted to give you a heads up that sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. I wish I would of been better prepared or rather less naive.

Enjoy your newfound freedom and good for you for knowing your worth. Wishing you continued relief and support during this transition.

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alphaomega

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Re: Itís starting to feel......good ?
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2018, 02:40:08 PM »
Its not my first time, but its my first time THIS determined.  :thumbup:

I dont have a FOO.  I am an only child and she has ZERO friends.  And no family other than me.

It texted me a "hi" yesterday, incidentally while I was discussing with DH how absolutely freaking DONE I am this time.

 I don't care anymore what I stand to lose financially. 

As a seven figure inheritance because I can not spend another second of my life placating what I am absolutely sure of, is a demon in old ladys clothing.

If I ever do actually decide to ever speak to her again, it will not be because she "summoned" me with a waif bleat.  :rundog:   :udawoman:

I know what those bleats really mean. 

She has said oftentimes "I WILLED YOU HERE", "I ESP'D YOU"  AKA - You are so enmeshed and parentified that all i even have to do is THINK and you will come running.   :evil2:

And now I'm not. 

Recently she made me physcially ill when she cackled "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, you ARE your mother afterall !"   :evil2: :evil2: :evil2: :evil2: :evil2: :evil2: :evil2: :evil2: :evil2: :evil2: :evil2: :evil2:

Sounds like an evil queen more than a waif no ?  :yeahthat:

It bounces between evil queen and witch.  Peppered with an occasional hermit because EVERYBODY is out to get her.  Steal her money.  Wants her crap stuff.   

Waify only make an appearance for ME when she can't seem to get to me any other way that through my compassion. 

Of which, mind you, she has reminded me SEVERAL times how weak that makes me...   :wacko:  I hace heard several times. "You just let people WALK ALL OVER YOU !!"  "When did you become a not fighter ???"  "You just bend over and take it from anyone!!". 

So which is it mommy dearest ? :thewave:

She can go suck it.   :mad:

I have moments of heart wretching sorrow.  Of complete peace.  Of total bewilderment.  Of strength. 

And of anger.  I'm so angry.  I am so so so very angry.





« Last Edit: August 03, 2018, 02:47:45 PM by alphaomega »

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biggerfish

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Re: Itís starting to feel......good ?
« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2018, 05:18:14 PM »
Alphaomega, good for you. I couldn't help laughing because I, too, thought my uPDm could not live much longer. But four years ago when she was 86 I finally gave up and went NC. Now she is 90. I am so glad I didn't wait any longer. And I'm glad you didn't wait any longer too.

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Jade63

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Re: Itís starting to feel......good ?
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2018, 03:48:20 PM »
I don't care anymore what I stand to lose financially. 

My NM used to say to me: "You'd eat shit for a dollar."  (Who says this to a child?)  Well, she was wrong!

Consider it your bail money.

~Jade


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KeepingMyBlue

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Re: Itís starting to feel......good ?
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2018, 09:48:03 PM »
Alpha, that question mark really resonated with me! All the new feelings, that most people just...have, every day. I saved the last texts, so I could remind myself why I decided on NC. Something tangible in case she came around gaslighting again. It brings back this feeling just enough to trust myself and not go back into the rose tinted hell.

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Robinette71

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Re: Itís starting to feel......good ?
« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2018, 09:04:41 AM »
My Nmom is only 65 but in poor health and I too felt the need to hold on until she passed, lest I feel "regret" after she's gone. At least that's what the world tells me uuuuugghh. Your post validates me. I'm 7 weeks no contact and like you, its not the 1st time going NC but it is the 1st time I've been this determined to not let her back in my life no matter how much my sisters beg. I think they know I'm done too because in 7 weeks neither of them have spoke her name or mentioned her dire situation to me. She's in a horrible financial mess of her own doing and I'm the only one with the means to help. Screw that. Good for you for starting to feel good! Stay strong!