What if you regret leaving them?

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Opia

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What if you regret leaving them?
« on: August 08, 2018, 05:50:26 PM »
I'm so sorry if it seems like I'm making so many threads, I guess I just needed this to be more specific in these wild mood swings I'm experiencing. I'm feeling so much guilt, anxiety, and regret for separating from my H and going through the divorce process. I don't know why I should even feel this way. The last message he sent me was very hurtful, so I should stay hateful and indifferent from him at that point, right? But now that some days have passed, I just feel very remorseful and mourn for the relationship we once had. I don't get why I'm thinking and dreaming of him so much if he's so horrible towards me.

I'm doing fine with all else in life.. doctor gave me more antidepressants to keep my mood up before I get to see my new mental health therapist. I go to support group, I'm doing a workbook for PTSD, I try to keep busy. But it's hard still after almost half a year away from him and the place that broke me.

What if you regret leaving your PD partner? Did you ever went back based on that feeling and if so, how did that worked out?
Nothing feels real.

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Spygirl

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Re: What if you regret leaving them?
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2018, 06:23:43 PM »
I am 7 months separated, and whenever I get the feelings you're having, I look over past threads from others.

Only one.person making a go of it, and it is a constant mental effort to.protect oneself. Others have gone back, left, gone back again.
Nothing changes. The promises are broken shortly, the lingering doubt of it really being.better lingers forever. Most say they wish they had stayed out when they had the chance, rather than waste 10 or 20 more years. I heed the advice of others before me.
Look at the mess you're in now. The mess we are all in. Why continue? A scorpion is always a scorpion. It cannot help but sting you. It is its nature.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: What if you regret leaving them?
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2018, 08:11:11 PM »
I worried about this - what if it’s really me, what if he’s right, what if I cannot find any one else?

I don’t regret it. There were a few times in the beginning when I doubted myself, but the longer I was out the more I saw the abuse for what it was and the stronger I became.

I had to deal with my ex last week and it was like he picked up where he left off. NOTHING changes with him. It never had and it never will. All the times I left him in the past and went pack? It just taught him how to be more subtle in his abuse and manipulation.

Leaving is hard, staying left is even harder. At some point if you stick through it you will reach the point where you are grateful for your new life without him.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and the only person who can change in this situation is you.

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Free2Bme

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Re: What if you regret leaving them?
« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2018, 03:32:40 AM »
Opia,
Before I left, I wrote a note to myself, Incase I ever felt the way you are feeling now.  So, when I doubted , all I had to do is read what the ‘former’ me was saying to the’present’ me.  I don’t want to re-live all that I was experiencing before I left, but it was helpful to recall enough to get me re-centered again.

Also, your ex will inadvertently help you with this.  All I needed was a little exposure therapy and I was slapped right back to reality.  I would delude myself into thinking something positive about him. But he was always faithful to prove me wrong.  Painful, but serves a purpose.

Imagine your feelings as a wave, they peak and then subside. When it feels overwhelmingly painful, just know that it will pass.
(((Hugs))))

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MeFirst

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Re: What if you regret leaving them?
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2018, 06:02:01 AM »
Hi Opia. I am feeling the same after3 months separated (altho he left). I have the same questions as you. I know intellectually that the likelihood of it changing is very small but I still have feelings for him. He hasn't expressed wanting to get back together.

Does your partner want to get back together? And is their a plan for change?

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October99

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Re: What if you regret leaving them?
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2018, 12:35:20 PM »
I made a list of all the things he did that were awful and abusive. Any time I felt that I wanted to just stay and make it work, I would force myself to read that list over and over and remind myself that he was still doing all those things.

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Spygirl

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Re: What if you regret leaving them?
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2018, 02:04:58 PM »
 :yeahthat:

It works. We all tend to push that stuff away. It's how we stayed in the situation in the first place.

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dck133

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Re: What if you regret leaving them?
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2018, 02:41:16 PM »
I felt the same way after my ex first left. I just read through old emails I wrote and I see I was missing him. But it's been years now and I can't imagine feeling that way anymore. In my experience time will help sooth those feelings. You will start making a life without him and once that happens you won't miss him as much.  It's like any relationship - it wasn't all bad and of course you miss the good. That's normal.

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Whiteheron

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Re: What if you regret leaving them?
« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2018, 09:06:22 AM »
I read and reread my journal before filing. I did it again after filing. I was (am) astounded at what I put up with in the "marriage." I've been out for about six months and don't regret leaving at all. The peace is worth it. I can finally heal and try to help the kids heal. I find what I truly regret was not leaving sooner. A lot of damage has been done - he was getting worse as time went on.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: What if you regret leaving them?
« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2018, 10:39:35 AM »
The peace is really impossible to describe to someone else, but Whiteheron is right, that alone is worth it.

I truly didn’t realize how much chaos I was living in, how much abuse I’d come to accept as normal. I see now that I was conditioned to accept abuse from my upbringing and my ability to accept it just grew and grew until I was able to finally break free and start working on myself.

None of this happens overnight though. Your relationship with your ex feels safe and comfortable to you, it’s why you want to go back. Your mind will do anything it can to make you “safe”, even if the reality is that you would be going back to an unsafe situation.  What is familiar to us feels safe to us.

When I look back on my marriage I’m ashamed of how I lived, of the things I let people do to me, the sacrifices I made and how we lived in our space. My home was a cluttered, chaotic mess and I cringe when I look back at that. At the time I thought I was happy and that this was how life was supposed to be.

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Free2Bme

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Re: What if you regret leaving them?
« Reply #10 on: August 14, 2018, 11:38:53 PM »
"Your mind will do anything it can to make you “safe”, even if the reality is that you would be going back to an unsafe situation.  What is familiar to us feels safe to us."

Thank you OOTF , this accurately describes what I am dealing with.  I believe that I have a sound mind but I know that my mind tricks me into thinking it is "safe" with him, when I know damn well it is not.  It is a struggle to reign in those old tendencies, especially when I see him in person.  I fear that I will do he same in the future if I ever begin to date. 

I too am dealing with shame/regret that I ever allowed someone to do this to me. So grateful to have others that understand this experience. 

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Whiteheron

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Re: What if you regret leaving them?
« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2018, 09:12:05 AM »
Thank you OOTF , this accurately describes what I am dealing with.  I believe that I have a sound mind but I know that my mind tricks me into thinking it is "safe" with him, when I know damn well it is not.  It is a struggle to reign in those old tendencies, especially when I see him in person.  I fear that I will do he same in the future if I ever begin to date. 

I can completely relate. What I started doing was telling myself that this man I was about to see/talk to only wanted to destroy me in any way he can. That he may charm and act "normal", but that he has ulterior motives. It did help that for a period of time, any "normal" conversation we had was twisted and turned against me in court documents. I remind myself of this constantly to prevent slipping back into the "familiar is safe" mode. When he's on his best behavior and charming, it's so very hard to keep my (mental) distance. I can feel myself relaxing around him, but then need to warn myself to keep my guard up. He's a snake.

I am also ashamed I allowed him to treat me so poorly for so long. I'm trying to work on forgiving myself. I was up against a master manipulator and didn't stand a chance.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.