Red Flags Waving and no one doing anything

Started by Latchkey, August 10, 2018, 10:10:26 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Latchkey

I don't even know who to talk to about this.

I just had the most coherent and lucid and wonderful conversation with my former SS20 today. This kid has been through so much. He's got a laundry list of dx, autism, bipolar, epilepsy. He's actually in a very good place now with the right meds, low stress, and rested up for the summer.

Unfortunately, it is my former SS14 that is in a very bad place. He's been dx ODD and Anxiety and Depression. He was hospitalized about 18 months ago for severe school refusal, depression, and physical aggression after leaving his BPDmom's house and moving back in with his Dad.

SS20 told me today he is vey worried about his brother. That Dad (my NPD/ASPD exH) just tells him (SS20) "not to worry". That Grandma (NMIL) says "well he'll be a dad at 16 then!" and laughs. The fact that my SS20 is this coherent and saying things like "no one is being a parent to my brother but I care about him" is so huge. It's hard to explain, but SS20 has to be very concerned to have this type of conversation with me who he trusts.

According to SS20 - SS14:
-he's not seen a psychiatrist or psychologist in months even though he was on at least two meds post hospitalization
-he was cutting before when his long distance r/s with a girl he never met on xbox gaming broke up with him
-he's likely been having sex with his new GF who is same age and a girl that has behavior issues of his own
-he has anorexic behaviors. eats very little and works out.

My ex NPD/ASPDH lets him be in his room with the door closed. Did nothing when he discovered hickeys on him. Just ignore deny laugh it off every time i bring it up.

I don't think there is drugs as of yet- but it's like NDad is business per usual and ignoring and neglecting while providing basic care and food and looking ok to the outside world.

I really don't know what to do, SS14 is starting high school and Dad (and his new step mom who is old enough to be Dad's daughter and has emotional issues of her own) is out of town for a stupid work trip - and there's no one there to supervise as these two are left alone.

I'm wondering how best to reach out to my former SS14 and if there is any way I can intervene or should intervene on these boys behalf. Their mom and I get along ok but she is out of the picture mostly and is BPD herself and unable to care for the kids in any meaningful way esp SS14 who does not want to be anywhere near her.
What is your plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver
-
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

daughter

If you're willing to intervene, you might be able to help this boy.  It seems neither parent is capable or willing to "parent" their two boys.  Sad story, frankly, but not uncommon.

momnthefog

#2
Latchkey,

Have you asked SS20 if you can share the information he gave you?

If you talk to BPD mom, given that she doesn't have custody, will she use the information to cause more problems with NPDdad or try to help SS14? 

If you talk to SS14, will he listen?  If he does seem to listen, are you willing to continue intervening to keep the train from coming off the tracks?  If so, how long?  If you intervene, how does that impact your relationship with your exH?  How does it impact any relationship with the his wife?  Does intervening keep you involved in drama with xH? 

My concern would be for the child, but also for myself and my healing from the drama involved with NPD/ASPD xH and his new wife.   

Latchkey, I don't feel I've answered your questions but I hope that something I offered will help with mulling things over. 

Please let us know what you decide and how things work out.  It's wonderful that your SS20 reached out to you and trusts you.   :)

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

xredshoesx

can you network with the couselor at the HS? if nothing else it can put him on their radar.

Summer Sun

What a heartbreaking situation.  Latchkey, it seems you are in one of those potential damned if you do, damned if you don't scenarios?  A thought I had was to let SS20 know you are available to SS14 if he needs to talk and provide him all contact details?  This way, if he reaches out, you will not be accused of interfering, overstepping, or experience fallout or future PD wrath?  Also, if SS14 is being neglected, medically, physically, emotionally or being abused, then anominously reporting to child services may be warranted?

It is not easy for you, Latchkey, your love and concern is admirable, and being a positive role model and support for troubled youth sometimes makes a difference - one which can help build resilience or desire to strive beyond present circumstances.  Wishing you luck.

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

Latchkey

#5
Thank you all so much. So much!
I don't know if y'all know my back story but I also have a DS7 with my exN/ASPDH 2 so regardless of my legal r/s to these former SS's (14, 15 and 20) they are my DS' brothers.

So, in a strange twist, I told my DD19 who graduated from high school a year ago what was going on. She immediately decided that she wanted to find out what was happening with her (former) step brother. She invited him to lunch the next day and they talked for a good 2 hours.
She told him she was there for him. He told her that I had been his only real Mom (since age 2) and the divorce 4 years prior had really decimated him. She got him to open up and he told her that he and the GF were not having sex. He had been going to T but his T told NDad everything and that is why he stopped. He doesn't think much of his new Smom and she's so young he doesn't see her as a parent.
DD19 left him with the assurance that if he ever needed anything to text her or me and we'd help. I gave her the talk that SS14 is likely not to be completely trusted and anything esp anything suicidal needed to go direct to 911 or to me. I told her we can't save him. She gets it as much as a teen can and she really felt like she wanted to help him since she had had a big sis who helped her navigate those first months of high school and beyond. Both my DD's are pretty intense and were popular enough that if someone where harassing him etc they probably would know a big brother or sister who could get them to back off.

So, that was Sunday... Last night, unbeknownst to me, my DD19 was getting texts that SS14 was having panic issues about the next day b/c of his schedule. My DD got an email through to her former guidance counselor and told SS14 to go see her. He did --- and the GC got his schedule changed to more classes with his friends. Honors classes and things so it wasn't like a huge change but enough to make him feel less alone.

So, then to make it even more bizarre, I saw SS20 and former NMIL today. Out after a lunch outing. NMIL is all lovely and smiles and hugs for me and I'm like, "hey, uh anyone picking up SS14 from his 1st day of HS? "
"nope, no he's fine"
so I tell them, ya know, DD19 just did a whole lot of stuff to help SS14 today... and NMIL never missing a beat.... oh, you know he never listens to me- and good for DD19 when I go to church I still pray for all my grandkids and your DD19 and 21 are always in my prayers.. :stars: :stars: :stars:
SS20 thought it was not a good thing if SS14 had so many classes with his friends but it's HS and classes change every 12 weeks or so and so it's only temporary and for a kid like SS14 it makes a huge difference. Both my DD19 and 21 went into HS already on sports teams and with friends so they were not as worried or as unstable as SS14 and SS20 was in a very structured therapeutic HS program so completely different than SS14.

So, yeah, I'm going to try to lay low as much as I can but I do need to talk to my ex to make sure he helps SS14 more as a parent is able.

I'm hoping that SS14 does ok and makes it through the next few weeks ok. This is such a huge time for any kid and having all this go down and no parent or grandparent giving a flying f is really heartbreaking.

What is your plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver
-
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

momnthefog

Latchkey,

Thanks for the update...it is complicated for certain. 

How fortunate your SSs are that there is an older SS (your DD) who they can lean on and who has recently navigated that hs!

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

Latchkey

#7
Well as of day 2 he was doing ok and very happy that his schedule was changed. SS20 now is slipping into some kind of funk apparently according to exNH. You can't win with these kids and that is part of the reason I have to maintain my distance b/c there is only so much I can do.

My exN/ASPDH sent me a very contrite text thanking me and my DDs for helping the kids even though he messed up (he used stronger words) I showed this to DD19 and she was flabbergasted.

I'm hoping that he manages to make it through the first quarter with no major incidents. He is definitely at risk for a PD as both parents have them and he's already got the precursor dx-s. Some of this I know is CPTSD related having to go back to his BPD mom's house over and over though he used to wail and wail that he didn't want to go when he was little. He was neglected or scape goated there, his middle bro used to hit him randomly and prey on him. BPD mom picked favorites and abandoned him over and over throughout his life.  :no:

Anyway, will update or start a new thread as the year goes on.. appreciate the support here as always.

What is your plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver
-
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

Latchkey

I just wanted to give an update.
A few days after school started my EXN got a call from the guidance counselor that SS14 was showing PDA and too much attention to his GF in classes.  Yes, his GF was in many of these classes but other friends were as well....The GC wanted to pull him from all his classes without even talking to SS14 on day 3 of high school!! No regard for his 504 or emotional well being. Completely ignoring his school refusal issues.

My exN (SS Dad) refused and sent a very good email explaining why this was not a good idea and how it violated school discipline guidelines,his 504 plan, and put SS14 in danger of failing and being back in the hospital.

It was wonderful to see ExN finally advocating for SS14. SS14 knows that there are people advocating for him and he has to behave.

No guarantees but hoping he can behave and that his Dad gets his GC changed to the one that truly seems to have his best interests at heart.
What is your plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver
-
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

Latchkey

I'm just adding this update to this post since it's easier to not have to explain it all again....

SS15 was ok a few months and most of 1st semester but for most of 2nd he's been missing school. Showing more and more signs of eating disorder-body dysmorphia-not sleeping-school refusal- defiance-lots of selfies and stuff on instagram though.....

The title of this thread fits perfectly-  ExN told me every time I inquired about  SS15 that he was on a waiting list for a local PHP. Finally, now, he starts but he's missed so much school he's going to have to go to summer school and that doesn't even account for the time it's going to take to get him well enough to even consider school or therapy in any form.

It's really tough to watch this unravel. I hope he does some inpatient b/c he really needs the reset button now. He is refusing any meds and is not participating and just getting worse and worse and I had to tell my ex that anorexia can lead to death... as he was saying oh, SS15 is not suicidal so he's not really going to be able to be inpatient and well, I am so busy.... :stars:

Wish I had better news... maybe later in the summer after he gets through this. At least he's getting some intervention, though much too late to save his freshman year.
What is your plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver
-
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.