How would you ask?

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MeFirst

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How would you ask?
« on: August 13, 2018, 03:17:29 AM »
I'd like to ask my partner if this is it for him. Is it really over? I am haunted by his middle of the night phone call about 6 weeks ago asking to move back (but for financial reasons). I think he was fishing to reconcile.

 I am in 2 minds about what i want but how could I start a conversation and ask him what he's thinking?

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SonofThunder

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Re: How would you ask?
« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2018, 11:28:39 AM »
MeFirst,

It is my opinion is that if your partner is a PD, then you will only be allowimg PD manipulated desires/masked in potential sincerity to invade into your space.   My opinion is that you must study the situation from the outside (as a non PD) in mindfullness and understanding of PD traits and decide what you want for yourself.   I say this from my 27 years of marriage that has cycled (i hate you-dont leave me) the entire time.  I believe that those of us who are dealing with PDs must balance understanding of the PD traits, have as much compassion for the PD as possible (50% rule with regard to myself), but ultimately choose what is best for ourselves (51% rule). 

For me, it is impossible to expect my uPDw to live in a 50% mindset as her focus is mainly on her own issues and manipulating others to sadly feed that need.  Surely, if my uPDw could understand and extricate herself from her disorder, she surely would, but she cannot (barring a healing future miracle).  Therefore i cannot rely on my uPDw in giving me feedback that is healthy for the long term.  I must understand PDs as best possible, make balanced decisions, communicate my intent for myself well with her, and let my uPDw be the adult she is and make decisions for herself.  Best of luck to you in your ordeal.

SoT
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: How would you ask?
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2018, 11:49:30 AM »
Hello!

I subscribe to the theory that actions speak louder than words.  In the 6 weeks since that late night phone call has he been kind?  Thoughtful?  Has there been any love bombing??  Has he demonstrated any sign that he wants to get back together as a couple?   

((( hug )))


Ungrateful people complain about the one thing you haven't done instead of being thankful for the thousands of things you have.

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which rebuilt my life.  JK Rowling

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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MeFirst

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Re: How would you ask?
« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2018, 06:45:10 PM »
No he hasn't been any of those things. There's no sign of any desire to reconcile on his part.

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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: How would you ask?
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2018, 09:39:29 PM »
OK so now is the time to focus on YOU.   What is the next step?   In my relationship I always put his needs, feelings, problems.... ahead of mine.   It was hard to reset my thought pattern to put myself first.   Journaling helped and so did time.  Time away from him (no contact) and reconnecting with my core friend group.   People that I had avoided when I was so deep in the fog.   

I promise it gets easier with time.   ((( hug )))

Ungrateful people complain about the one thing you haven't done instead of being thankful for the thousands of things you have.

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which rebuilt my life.  JK Rowling

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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MeFirst

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Re: How would you ask?
« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2018, 02:33:04 AM »
So is the upshot not to talk to him?......I am trying to think about what I want. But I would still like to talk to him.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: How would you ask?
« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2018, 04:56:32 AM »
Sounds like you start to forget the reasons why you split up. If you long for him and desperately want to talk to him why don't you call him? Preferably at 3 in the morning? (Joking - just being passive aggressive)

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MeFirst

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Re: How would you ask?
« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2018, 08:13:29 AM »
Lol. I thought about that. It would be funny to do it to him. I guess I'm hoping there will be a change and I'm probably used to his pattern of breaking up and coming back and because I didn't let him back the pattern has changed and the dance is different this time. Feeling a bit unsure and lost.....

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Whiteheron

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Re: How would you ask?
« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2018, 09:14:41 AM »
What you're feeling is completely normal. The uneasy feeling comes from breaking out of the usual pattern. The pattern is familiar, and as much as we may not like it, it's comfortable in a way (if that makes any sense).

I started to break out of my pattern two years ago. I started telling stbx his behaviors were wrong instead of pushing it all under the rug and acting like everything was ok. It was extremely uncomfortable for me, and if not for the kids, I probably would have reverted back to my old pattern. We didn't have the same pattern as you - breaking up and getting back together (it wasn't allowed  :roll:), but the feeling of breaking out of the familiar is similar, I think.

You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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MeFirst

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Re: How would you ask?
« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2018, 10:13:45 AM »
Thanks Whiteheron. How did your kids spur you on for change?

I don't want my girls to think his behaviour was acceptable.