Mental illness, abuse or both?

[guitarman]

I posted this sometime ago. It's something that makes me laugh.

WARNING

I can only please one person a day. Today isn't your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.


Best wishes

guitarman

[nanotech]

Haha 😂I love that quote! 
I'm going to remember that one!  Thanks guitar man, take care of yourself. 😊

[guitarman]

Nanotech the fourth C could be Care for yourself more.

I know you are right. I didn't cause all my sister's difficulties she is now experiencing. I've got to keep reminding myself of that. I don't know why I ever thought that I had. I'm not to blame for her problems. I've been conditioned over decades to think like that.

She is the cause of all her issues not me. They are hers not mine.

She thinks that if she had yet more money all her problems would be solved. She'll always have problems, even if she had more money.

I had a discussion with one of my siblings recently. They just don't have the time in their busy life to give her head space. They are so busy looking after their own family.

She can consume so much of my energy and goodwill. It's exhausting.

I had a great day yesterday, tiring but rewarding. Some plans for the future maybe coming together so that's encouraging. I had an enjoyable relaxing day today.

Best wishes

guitarman

[Healing Finally]

Hi guitarman 

It's been awhile since I've been here, and I do recall that we both suffer with sisters that are NPD.  I remember you giving me some good advice, so thought to add my two cents here  .  I recently posted about my anguish with my sister and Mom (see JUST DEAL WITH IT) and reading your post reminds me that the abuse can come in many forms. 

Bottomline, from what I hear from you is; we need to get Out of the FOG.  We evidently just can't shake it!!  Fear, Obligation, and Guilt!  It's just so sad.  Our brains are imprinted from the past, from constant abuse and anguish due to that abuse; so that now all we can do is deal with the triggers (at least that's where I am now.)  I hear the brain is able to change, but I have yet to learn how to prevent the triggers.

My answer to your question if definitely BOTH.  My sister has mental illness that causes abuse.  I have mental illness due to this abuse and dysfunction in my family; but I am not abusive, I am the opposite.  I take the abuse.  I am learning how not to take the abuse anymore.

It sounds like all of your siblings count on YOU to be THE ONE who deals with your sister, out of obligation; as they have let that go.  Maybe you being the buffer helped them to let go?  Maybe that's why you feel so obligated?  I would too!  It's truly tough to see someone suffer, especially a "loved one".  Is there a way you can align yourself with your other siblings so that you would feel more comfortable letting her go?  Ask for their help so you can let her go?

Good luck with your future plans, and thanks for this:  Be a Lighthouse, Not a Lifeboat.  Gracias 

[guitarman]

My uBPD/uNPD sister visited this evening. She only stayed for a couple of hours. As she was leaving she said that she's seriously ill and no one cares.

She told me about yet more ailments she thinks she has. She's being treated by a world class hospital so I shouldn't be so concerned about her health issues.

It just goes on and on. She asked me for help as she doesn't know what to do. She said that she's given up and lost weight because she has no appetite. She ate something when she was here.

She says she has to decide either to put the heating on or to eat. It tears me apart thinking how she's living but that's why she tells me I suppose.

I didn't give her any money for her rent and she wasn't sobbing or pleading like she usually does.

I was mostly Grey Rock and Medium Chill. It's not easy being a lighthouse rather than a lifeboat. I didn't actually offer any advice or tell her who she could contact for help. She's intelligent she knows who to contact.

I'm so relieved that she's left and didn't stay long. I can relax now.

Best wishes

guitarman

[guitarman]

I recently posted this information below about the upcoming free online Healing Narcissistic Trauma Conference in the "Other Media Resources" section that you might find of interest.

Here is the link to the free online "Healing Narcissistic Trauma" conference October 27th and 28th 2018.

The conference is hosted by Susan Ball founder of Empower Her and host of Fierce Women Rising Radio.

The author and counsellor Kris Godinez who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome is going to be one of the many speakers.

https://www.susanball.ca/healing-narcissistic-trauma-conference/

Best wishes

guitarman

[djcleo]

I have a uBPD/uNPD sister. I'm still not sure if she has a serious mental illness or is deliberately and purposely abusing people by her extreme behaviour. Is it both mental illness and abuse? It is something that I've been questioning myself about for a long time. 

When she is calm and has money she can be quite joyful, enthusiastic, charming and loving. At other times when she is in a crisis and consumed with anxiety, worry and stress she can be quite vile, acting out, sobbing, screaming, shouting, swearing, seeking money and suicidal. Thankfully she has never self harmed.

She believes she has many chronic physical health issues that never get better so that she says she can't work. I don't know if they are all real or imaginary. She can be quite a waif. Then I feel terrible for not believing her but she is not consistent with her illnesses and sometimes behaves as if there is nothing at all wrong with her. She doesn't always follow the medical advice from the world class hospital she attends. She thinks she knows better than all the doctors what is wrong with her and that they have misdiagnosed her.

She alienates people by her extreme behaviour, twists history around, makes things up, constantly plays the victim when she is the abuser.

She is intelligent, well qualified and experienced but has no regular job or income.

I used to have hope that she would change but now I don't think she's capable of changing without professional mental health support, which of course she doesn't think she needs. I have accepted that she won't probably ever change and that I can't change her. I care but can't cope. I say to myself now that she is just someone that I used to know.

It's so sad to see her repeating the same old patterns of thinking and self destructive behaviour. She can be so angry at everyone and everything. She says she's so lonely but I can't get her friends or the life she wants to lead. Only she can do that.

It can be a constant pity party being around her. Nothing is ever good enough. No one can do anything right for her. She says no one cares about her when she's had so much money to help her from our elderly, frail, vulnerable parents. There is a deep hole inside her that can't be filled no matter how much love, time, money, kindness, advice or care we all put into it. It's never ever enough.

I follow the teachings of Kris Godinez (who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome), Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield on Facebook and YouTube. I have learnt such a lot from them all.

I've learnt a new phrase
"Be a lighthouse not a lifeboat". It's something I try to be now.

Best wishes

guitarman

Honestly, I think it's both. Mental illness can cause people to lash out. What you described sounds just like my uPD SIL. It put the words to what I've been feeling. It's so sad. I'm sorry for your hurts and struggles and that you worry so much about your sister.

uPD SIL also never is satisfied with anything. It's odd because she laughs at certain things and can be kind of excited sometimes. I can imagine her laugh and it's a nice laugh, but it's infrequent. The rest of the time she's miserable. It's so distressing to think that a loved one can't help being miserable, isn't it?

Mental illness can cause hurt and pain and can cause others to have a different sense of reality vs. the truth. So, in essence, sometimes mental illness causes abuse, but sometimes abuse is just something that harmful people choose to do.

It sounds like it's murky and frustrating and hard to understand and that your sister is probably struggling, but that never excuses harming another person. My BPD MIL has had a lot of hurtful behaviors, and some of them she really means, and some of them are almost laughable because a grown woman is indulging in such unhelpful and hurtful behavior. However, it's still sad and disappointing because we love these people even with their illness and abuse.... and I often wish I didn't care or love them because their behaviors hurt so bad.

So, I guess my question is... does it matter? I think you probably know that you still need to set boundaries even if they don't mean to be hurtful.

[guitarman]

I need to vent. My uBPD/uNPD sister has just left after a visit. Thankfully she didn't stay long. She wanted money for food as she had an unexpected urgent bill to pay that she had forgotten about and hadn't budgeted for.

It started her off into a tirade of abuse about everything that has upset her recently and in the past. She told me about how ill she is with her heart and lung condition.

I said to her that I couldn't give her money and I didn't. She was saying that don't be surprised if she dies soon because of all the stress causing her heart condition to get worse.

I felt like screaming at her when she said that no one cares about her. I have so much stress in my life already I can't cope with all her problems as well.

I couldn't believe it when she told me she pays for a regular cleaner! She can't afford to feed herself but she has a cleaner. It doesn't make any sense.

I don't see or hear from her much because I've not been giving her money like I have in the past when she says she feels suicidal and can't cope.

I feel so guilty about not giving her any money. She shouted as she left that she'll have to live on bread and jam for a week as that's all she has left in her flat.

I can relax now as I've seen her. So hopefully she won't be visiting me again for a few weeks but I never can tell. I've got so much adrenaline going around in my body.

I've got to remember to be a lighthouse not a lifeboat, but it's hard.

Best wishes

guitarman

[Losthero]

She sounds A LOT like my PD mom.  Heads up..... they get worse with age.  For someone who is so sick she sure does have A LOT of energy to plead, and beg, and get to your apartment.  My mom exaggerates or simply lies about illnesses.  Truth is, she is probably stronger than my self.  My mom too whines about finances and begs for money then has the nerve to complain about her hired house cleaner.  WTF??!!!  I truly believe that they enjoy being treated like pampered queens.  They like the power of having  servant.  She has to eat jam and bread for a week but hired someone to clean her house????   Please wake up.  I finally had to go no contact with my mom.  She has no one else, she has burned her bridges, but my own health and sanity was suffering.  Im with WomanInterrupted, save yourself.   I finally realized that setting boundaries with my mom only made her more agitated and feel invalidated and actually made her feel worse when she couldnt get what she wanted.  I realized that our interactions were not genuine and were hurtful to myself and her.  She would see me and get jealous, resentful, angry, disappointed, etc.  Was our interactions really helping her or hurting her?    I couldnt give in to her because then I was hurting myself and my own family (and she had an endless need, nothing filled her hole of a heart or financial need for long).  I believe it may be less hurtful for her to not have contact with me.  You might think about your own interaction with your sister.  Does she feel better when she leaves?  Did your pep talks help?  Or did she see you and become resentful, jealous and bitter?  My dad died of cancer at age 62, he had a stroke the year before.  My therapist said that constant stress and cortisone levels can make you susceptible to illnesses.  I believe that was what happened to her husband/ my dad.   Get in your life boat and be your own lighthouse.  Dont be a martyr.  She will not appreciate it and  if you believe in God, Im sure he  wouldnt want you to be one either.  Please take care of you. 

[guitarman]

I'm unwinding after I experienced over half an hour of narcissistic rage from my uBPD/uNPD sister this evening.

She was calm when I let her in then she got upset that her daughter had visited me a few days ago and I hadn't told her. She became very abusive shouting and swearing asking me why I hadn't called her to let her know. Her daughter hasn't had contact with her mother for a long time because her daughter doesn't want much to do with her because of all the abuse she has experienced.

She brought up lots of things from the past. Then she started making things up and believing them. She twists history to suit her own purposes.

She tried everything to push all my buttons but I didn't engage with her much. I used Medium Chill and Grey Rock.

It's the same old things she said. I'm so used to it I've heard it all before many, many times over.

She eventually left.

I was shaking but eventually calmed down. I called my siblings to let them know what had happened. They are very supportive, when they are available.

Best wishes

guitarman

[nanotech]

I'm sorry you've been upset by your sister yet again. You did the right thing by engaging as little as possible with her.

It's awful isn't it? How we have to be against our true nature ?

We can't be ourselves around them.

She's trying to bully you into your old  codependent ways, where you would immediately attempt to fix it all for her.

Anyone who has a cleaner can afford to eat. She must be gaslighting you.

At the very most, she may have days where   she perhaps can't do a full shop- maybe because she's irresponsible  with her money. 

One way to help her be more responsible is to continue not giving in to her requests.

If you can, have a try at detaching emotionally when she rants. You are being strong, but then feeling upset. Remember to feel just fine! 
Drop the rope. Drop the anger and certainly any guilt as it isn't yours.

She senses you moving away from all of that previous dysfunction,  and quietly defending yourself. She dislikes it intensely, but your stoic grey rocking means she can't really put together a complaint that will hold water.

Keep doing it. It's your power.
Thinking of you. 

She's very like my older Nsister andNbrother. I have a better relationship with my little sister. That's a silver lining for me. There will be one for you, too. 😊xxxxx

[guitarman]

Thanks. I've been OK today but it takes me a few days to fully recover my equilibrium and centre myself again. I was a bit on edge today thinking that she may visit me again but she didn't.

I don't get angry with my sister but just feel pity and sadness for her. She's not going to change.

I could have shouted at her, which she wanted me to do, but I chose to stay calm. I was singing quietly to myself all the time she was ranting and raging at me. I was saying that it was all projection towards me. All her own fears were directed at me.

She said some really psychotic and delusional things that I just have to laugh about as they were all so ridiculous and outrageous.

I'm learning not to do "idiot compassion" any more. It's very empowering.

Best wishes

guitarman

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm so sorry!

One thing I learned *really* fast with unBPD Didi was to NOT give her a crumb of information, if I didn't want it used against me.

I *thought* I was making small talk about DH's travels.  He's away quite often, on business, but little did I know she'd start having "medical emergencies" - and NEED my help, often the same day he left.

I never went or did a thing, but it *really* surprised me at how long it took me to figure out *I was the one giving her then information.*   

It took EIGHT "emergencies" that involved Makeitupitis and an ER visit or hospital admission before I figured it out.   

I suggest, in the future, that you NOT talk about family - you don't need to be at the receiving end of her rage again, and her daughter doesn't need to feel like a moving target, because you thought you were making conversation, but she didn't see it that way - she used it as an *excuse to abuse you.*

And may try to contact her daughter, who does  not want contact.

You really don't want to be a FMM, even accidentally, thinking you were making conversation.

Your niece may not see it that way, if it happens again.

The *only* things I could talk to Didi about were gardening and the weather, or maybe a TV show she liked that I paid some attention to (House, MD), and that was pretty much IT.

Otherwise, the few times she'd actually let me get a word in edgewise    , I'd just bore her with historical stuff I was interested in, knowing full well it would shit her to tears.

Frankly, I didn't care - it was safe territory.   

So, if you're a nerd in any subject, if she lets you get in any conversation at all, bore her about your latest nerdy interests before you're back to Medium Chilling "The MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Show."

You want her BORED.  Good and BORED.  SO bored you actually see the dull look of disinterest and her eyes start to glaze over with your extensive knowledge of ancient Greek culture - or British history, how Jimmy Page got a certain sound on a certain song (in GREAT detail!), how the Yardbirds formed and how many great bands came from them - the more long-winded and boring you are, the better.   

She'll probably cut you off, go back to the topic of HER, get Medium Chilled, be unsatisfied, and leave, wondering what the hell just happened.   

Topics to avoid - anything having to do with money, such as collectibles (stamps, coins, Beanie Babies - you get the idea) or food, unless it's the *science* of food and not the actual cooking.

Why - she'll go down the broke and hungry rabbit hole again, and you don't want THAT.   

Yes, you have to censor yourself quite a bit if you *want* to have a relationship with her, but I can't help but wonder why you even want to.

She's not nice.  She's abusive, demanding, cruel, needy, clingy, entitled, and seems to think the world owes her some intangible, unknowable Something, to fill the black hole of need inside her for five minutes, before she discards it and is on to the next quest for the intangible, unknowable Something.

*And she expects YOU to provide that intangible, unknowable Something!*   

I've learned from unBPD Didi that people like your sister are only rarely happy for more than five minutes before they're utterly miserable again and go right back to the abusive start of the cycle because *IT WORKS.*

Didi found I was non-receptive (Medium Chill), as bland as cottage cheese, boring as a bucket of wallpaper paste, and no matter what she said or did, I just wouldn't budge.   

Nope.  Not coming.  I figured out who controls when and where I drive my car, and it was going nowhere near her.   

I think it might help to make yourself inaccessible - if she doesn't call first, you don't answer the door.

That's a BOUNDARY, and a very basic one.  "Call first."

If she pitches a fit in the hall or on your front porch, call the police and have them remove her.

I'm sorry to say, but I think it's time for some VERY Tough Love.

You can't keep doing this to yourself.  It's not healthy - and it's not going to get any better.

[guitarman]

Thanks. Yes you are right. I am the source of information about the rest of the family as sometimes I am the only one she talks to. I've learnt about the term "therapeutic lying" so will be using that from now on. I have to think about what is the best outcome for me not for my uBPD/NPD sister. I have to protect myself first.

FMM? I don't know that term.

Yes I'll have to bore her so she'll go away. I'm very nerdy about PDs but that wouldn't help to discuss that! I've spent years researching LOL.

I don't want to share anything with her about what I'm interested in. It feels like I'm sharing my soul and life force. I don't want her intruding into my life and headspace.

I talk about the weather, boring television shows and Brexit. That should bore anyone. Rather than praise her I should bore her.

Looking back I have made progress but not gone full NC although I never contact her. I've called police and ambulances before and she knows I follow through and will do it again. They don't do much and she usually leaves before they arrive.

I think the best thing for me to do is to stay calm and not to react when she tries everything to provoke me to anger. It's what she wants.

I'm so stressed out with other things in my life that I don't have time to deal with her. I'm not sleeping well but am OK. I have support from other people and confide in them which I didn't do years ago so that all helps.

I can't fix her. I don't think anyone can. I think she's beyond fixing.  It's all so sad.

Best wishes

guitarman

[guitarman]

My uBPD/uNPD sister visited yesterday with all the family. It's been a long time since we've all been together.

She's been so abusive to my siblings and myself recently I'm surprised that it all stayed calm and we had a good time together, although it was tense. I mostly stayed out of her way.

She hadn't bought any presents apart from a bunch of flowers. She says she can't afford anything as she says she has heart failure and is living on benefits.

There were so many things that she said that I just let go and didn't react to. All the same old things that she's been saying for years. I'm so fed up with her waif like behaviour, conspiracy theories and all her sadness and misery.

Myself and my siblings bought her gifts but her children didn't. She appreciated the gift that I bought her.

I'd forgotten how consumed I've been by her life and worries as I've not been in her company much recently. She's never going to change. I have to look after myself first before I ever look after her needs. She was saying how difficult it's been for her living without much money. I was about to say to her "Well go and get yourself a job then!" but I didn't. She's quite capable and intelligent enough to work in a well paid job but chooses not to or can't because of all her physical illnesses she says.

I'm surprised everything stayed calm as she's said in the past, well screamed and shouted, that she never wants to see our siblings ever again. So she held it all together and behaved herself.

She's got a new best friend who she's been pouring all her troubles on. So she's been venting to them.

I've got to be aware about not being hoovered back into her life. This period of calmness won't last long. She won't be able to sustain it. It's the usual pattern that's been going on for decades. She has to have enemies and play the victim. She doesn't know how else to live. I don't want her in my life any more. So it's Medium Chill and Grey Rock forever more from me. I mustn't be seduced into thinking that she's changed. I mustn't open the door in my heart to compassion. I have to remind myself that I don't do "idiot compassion" any more. She's an abuser. She abuses me and will continue to do so. I mustn't be fooled.

I hope you've had a peaceful time and survived intact.

Best wishes

guitarman

[guitarman]

My uBPD/uNPD sister visited me this evening. She's joined a slimming club. I thought that she didn't have any money to feed herself?!!

She was also telling me about how she needs her broken TV to be fixed. I started to look up TV repair companies then I thought no, she's intelligent she can do all that for herself. I could see that she wanted me to give her money to fix it. She'll have to save up and pay someone to visit and fix it for her. She's not completely isolated. She can still watch TV on her phone and laptop. She's paying for a cleaner to visit her. So she'll have to save up instead.

She was complaining about all her physical ailments. It gets nauseating to hear her repeat the same conversations over and over again about them all. She thinks she has yet another new ailment now. She's a total waif.

I was getting lectured about what foods she can and can't eat. She was stuffing her face with all the wrong foods yesterday. Are pork pies and chocolates allowed on a healthy eating diet?!! I just had to laugh.

She left at midnight worrying about where she is going to live soon. She asked me if I had any ideas. I said that I don't. Sorry not my problem, but it could be if I let it. Thankfully she left calmly.

Best wishes

guitarman

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm glad you were able to get through both visits without any drama -  and I'm *elated* you know this phase won't last.

How her adult children treat her?  That's ultimately how *you* want to treat  her - in a very hands-off, aloof and standoffish way,  where she knows nope, not getting a crumb of supply off you.   

In my last post, you asked what FMM meant - Flying Messenger Monkey.  By telling your sister you talked to one of her AC's, that's what you were inadvertently doing, so they might not know *where* your loyalties are.

You can circumvent that by not relaying info about her adult children - or even mentioning that you spoke to them.  They sound like they have NO  F's left to G about her.

I know - you thought you were making innocent conversation.

In unBPD Land  there IS no such thing.   

I'm glad you've realized the civil/waif act your sister puts on is just that - an ACT.

Always, IME, just underneath the surface, is The Witch, just *waiting* to be unleashed, over any slight - real or imagined - and that includes you not going along with Today's Version of Reality, where she has no money to fix her TV, but has joined a slimming club, has a new diagnosis and can only eat certain foods, shortly after you saw her stuffing her face with anything she could get her hands on - and oh, she doesn't know where she's going to live (NOT YOURS!), but has a cleaner and is subsisting on jam.   

Her life is full of incongruities and *nothing makes a lick of sense.*

Unless you want The Witch to reign fire and blood on you (proverbially!), you *never* call out those incongruities, but you *can* keep a tally of them, and add them to your mental pot of Why I Really Don't Need To Have A Relationship With Somebody Who Thrives on Total Chaos Manufacture.   

And if you ever doubt yourself - remember the looks on her adult children's faces when she decided to grace you all with her presence, and gift you all a single flower, while going on with her usual shtick  - broke!  Bad  heart!  Bad lungs!   

Your sister is a black hole of constant need.  Let her new BFF deal with her and *stop allowing her to enter your home without calling first.* 

It's a very simple and basic boundary, and if she can't respect it - she gets no access to you.   

If you don't have one, I'd invest in a sliding chain-lock for your front door.  They're  not dear and a wise investment - as long as you use it *every single time* - to stop your sister from just allowing herself entrance by pushing or blustering past you.

If you do have one and don't use it - please start!  You'll thank yourself later. 

With that lock in place,  you'll feel a *lot*  more protected.  You can answer your door by opening it  as far as the chain goes, telling her it's not a good time, she needs to CALL FIRST - and shutting the door in her face.

If she has a meltdown in the hall, call the authorities.

But chances are she'll just leave and think you won't *dare* do that again - or it must have been a mistake, you didn't mean it, and besides, *nobody* TELLS her what to do! 

Oh, but you *must* - every single time, unless she calls first - and even if she calls, you can always tell her it's not a good time, you were just on your way out, and she'll have to catch up with you later about rescheduling.   

That chain lock will save your backside:

*  She'll *never call first* - well, maybe she will learn, after the first two or three *hundred* attempts to barge in.   

*  You're going to realize you'd like to have her visit in the year "Never."   

*  Her stories - endless loops of broke, sick, can't pay her rent, only has jam to eat for a week, nobody cares - but she *always* has money for the "important stuff" - like the gym or a cleaner - are going to start to irritate you to the point where you don't just want to yell, "GET A JOB!"

You might actually become so frustrated that you *do it* - and HERE comes The Witch!

Yeah - THAT!  You don't want THAT!   

And you don't have to put up with it for ONE second, if you faithfully use your chain lock and give her a mild brush-off.  "Sorry - not a good time.  Call first.  Have a nice day." - and close her out. 

You'll wind up being just another one of "those" people who just don't care about her - and that's what you want, because I've seen your future.

I've lived it.

Your sister is a younger version of unBPD  Didi - and she's only going to keep getting  clingier, needier, more dependent, more broke,  more *infantile* and a hell of a lot more hostile and abusive as the years tick by. 

She's only going to keep getting worse, and worse, and worse - everything you know now, but on steroids, and turned up to 11.

You haven't seen *anything* yet - and you don't *want* to see it, experience it or be anywhere near it when things eventually become unsustainable - which they *will.*

It's time to put your priorities in to YOU and your own future - your  health, your livelihood, your retirement and your frivolous pursuits, which are NOT frivolous. 

You get to live *your life* - and not sit and wonder when she's going to drop on you like a bomb.

If you haven't read the book, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, I think that might be a good place to start.

You can get both the book and the sliding chain-lock on Amazon  - which probably doesn't even come close to their weirdest order, ever.   

You  can do this - you can protect  yourself.  Your sister is not *your identity* - nor is being her emotional punching bag or any sort of carer, T, or even a sounding board.

You are YOU and *have the right to be YOU* - without her as a millstone, trying to take you down with her.

[guitarman]

Thanks WomanInterrupted I'm a bit busy with what's going on with my mother to reply to your comments at the moment but thank you.

My frail elderly mother collapsed and was in A&E yesterday. After many tests they found she has a lung infection. I called my uBPD/uNPD sister to let her know and she started talking to me about how ill she is and do I know that she has heart failure! Of course I know she talks about how ill she is every time she calls me or visits me.

My mother has been treated with intravenous antibiotics and was allowed home after a few hours.

It just goes to show me how narcissistic my sister really is. When our mother is in hospital she doesn't visit her, even though she lives nearby and talks about her own problems on the phone saying how ill she is rather than putting her own problems aside for once, just once. She's not going to change.

Best wishes

guitarman

[Psuedonym]

I feel for you, guitarman! I have been going through a very similar emotional rollercoaster with my uBPM, who sounds very similar to your sister. This in particular resonated with me:

When I'm in this situation I get panicked. I'm on edge all the time. I can't think straight. I'm worrying over something that hasn't even happened yet but potentially could. She'll threaten to harm herself and become homeless. It feels like I'm the only one that can help her. It's hell feeling like this over and over again.

My rational mind has deserted me and gone into overdrive. I need to be rational and calm. Breathe slowly. Turn "What if?" into "What is".

I need someone from outside my family to help her. I don't want to be involved in her life any more. It's torture. I have no resilience left.

Yep, yep, and yep. It's a horrible feeling to experience. WomanInterrupted is right: dropping the rope will help with that.

If this helps, when I was reading the description of your sister begging and pleading on the floor, it was as if I was reading about a heroin addict begging for a fix. Would you give her more heroin if she was an addict? Would you give her money to go buy more? If you truly wanted to help, you would let her hit rock bottom and realize for herself (or not) that she needed help. In this case, your attention and personal sacrifice is the heroin. It will never be enough. You feel exhausted because you've given all you have to give, and its still not enough. She will move on and find somebody else to give her a fix. You have to take care of you.

I know how tough it is.

[Liftedfog]

You got some amazing advice.  It helped me too. It reminded me that my expdh lost everything, wife which is me, kids, family home, vehicles, job, etc. And is now homeless.   Does it hurt me to see a man who only wore designer clothing that he is now sleeping on a bench?  Yes.  It hurts.  But he is a grown ass man.  It is not my job as an adult to caretake another adult.  I did it for 30 years and only got abuse back  he sounds exactly like your sister .  I have my hands full now raising two children on my own. My story is tragic but I had to remove myself from him completely to give my children hope.   He wouldn't back off harassing me so I have a restraining order.   My high school sweetheart, together for 30 years.  Father of my kids.  But enough was enough.  When I left, I got my life back.  Stay strong and don't be afraid to put boundaries for your own protection.  You matter!  Her needs are NOT more important than yours.