Mental illness, abuse or both?

[guitarman]

I have a uBPD/uNPD sister. I'm still not sure if she has a serious mental illness or is deliberately and purposely abusing people by her extreme behaviour. Is it both mental illness and abuse? It is something that I've been questioning myself about for a long time. 

When she is calm and has money she can be quite joyful, enthusiastic, charming and loving. At other times when she is in a crisis and consumed with anxiety, worry and stress she can be quite vile, acting out, sobbing, screaming, shouting, swearing, seeking money and suicidal. Thankfully she has never self harmed.

She believes she has many chronic physical health issues that never get better so that she says she can't work. I don't know if they are all real or imaginary. She can be quite a waif. Then I feel terrible for not believing her but she is not consistent with her illnesses and sometimes behaves as if there is nothing at all wrong with her. She doesn't always follow the medical advice from the world class hospital she attends. She thinks she knows better than all the doctors what is wrong with her and that they have misdiagnosed her.

She alienates people by her extreme behaviour, twists history around, makes things up, constantly plays the victim when she is the abuser.

She is intelligent, well qualified and experienced but has no regular job or income.

I used to have hope that she would change but now I don't think she's capable of changing without professional mental health support, which of course she doesn't think she needs. I have accepted that she won't probably ever change and that I can't change her. I care but can't cope. I say to myself now that she is just someone that I used to know.

It's so sad to see her repeating the same old patterns of thinking and self destructive behaviour. She can be so angry at everyone and everything. She says she's so lonely but I can't get her friends or the life she wants to lead. Only she can do that.

It can be a constant pity party being around her. Nothing is ever good enough. No one can do anything right for her. She says no one cares about her when she's had so much money to help her from our elderly, frail, vulnerable parents. There is a deep hole inside her that can't be filled no matter how much love, time, money, kindness, advice or care we all put into it. It's never ever enough.

I follow the teachings of Kris Godinez (who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome), Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield on Facebook and YouTube. I have learnt such a lot from them all.

I've learnt a new phrase
"Be a lighthouse not a lifeboat". It's something I try to be now.

Best wishes

guitarman

[Summer Sun]

Guitarman, you have been so patient, have endured so much, and your care and compassion for your sister is admirable.  Your wisdom is so helpful to so many, you are a Lighthouse! 

We had dinner with friends yesterday, this saying of being the Lighthouse instead of a Lifeboat came up.  It makes sense in so many relationships, PD's, adult children, struggling relations. 

It can be hard to watch others struggle, but we hinder their growth when we throw them the lifejacket and offer the lifeboat.  It is hard for me, having compassion for those I love, and then to sense resentments (when restraining self from being the Lifeboat), but do see it as part of my own growth, to get beyond my fear of rejection and codependent tendencies to rescue.  To sit still in this discomfort of mine, watching loved ones flail and flounder and allow them the space to wallow in their own discomfort until they find their own solutions. I try now to ask questions rather than offer opinions or solutions. 

Summer Sun

[practical]

guitar man, the description of your sister sounds so familiar, so similar to my experiences with M and F.

For me I think it is both. Whether the abuse is part of the mental illness, an expression thereof stoped mattering to me at some point. I had to learn I cannot change/fix F or M, I cannot cajole, entice or force them to do it for themselves either. However the abuse and mental illness are intertwined, the only thing I could do is step away and protect myself so I wouldn't get ill myself again.

M was dxbipolar and uNPD, and when she was comitted to a psychiatric ward 5 years ago I talked to her psychiatrist about my own role. She was so amazed I was still involved, most family members walk away out of sheer self-preservation. I was considering going NC at the time and she encouraged me to do what was right for me. M needed professional help and finally got it, even if it had required being committed.

For me being a lighthouse also means standing tall for ourselves.

[Lillith65]

I really like that saying "Be a lighthouse, not a lifeboat. Thanks for sharing it Guitarman.

As for your sister, PDs have a high comorbidity with other PDs and mental illness.

In many ways it doesn't matter what the specific diagnosis is and it feelstome as if you are seeking justification for her behaviour and your continuing involvement.

Your sister behaves as she does and you have a choice about how you respond to it. It is really hard to accept that we can't change others and that often we have to let go.

I feel a lot better now that Iam no contact with my FOO. I had to accept that my truth is that they are manipulative and abusive and to understand that the best solution for me is to stay away from them.

I don't know what is best for you but being a lighthouse is a terrific thing.

[HeadAboveWater]

Guitarman, I am sorry for this difficult situation with your sister. It sounds like you have been very thoughtful about considering your role in her life and what you can tolerate. It also sounds like you are doing your best to work on yourself and the things you can control. All of that is quite admirable considering the stress of this family relationship. I am impressed too that, though you are uncertain of the causation of your sister's difficulties, you are firm in your belief that you do not need to bail her out.

While my relationships with PDI's do not mirror yours exactly, I too have asked the "mentally ill or abusive" question. What follows is not a clinical examination of mental illness, but my own reflection informed by some research and my, admittedly biased, personal experience. I believe that emotional development continues through life. When someone's development plateaus for extended periods, it makes me wonder why they are incapable of self reflection. In the long-term healthy, happy people tend not bog down in maladaptive behaviors to the detriment of their relationships, finances, and health. So when I observe someone in that kind of rut, and I don't observe them working on developing coping mechanisms, that's interesting to me. I also find it interesting when someone claims to want one thing but her actions seem counter to that goal. It suggests an inner disharmony that is not compatible with strong mental health.

If your sister is abusive, that abuse could be incidental to having poor self regulation and poor stress management -- lashing out or tantrumming, if you will. It might also be calculated on a moment-by-moment basis to help her feel better, or it could even be a long-term strategy of control. As I've observed my family members, I've suspected that they've used a combination of unplanned, short-term, and long-term strategies. I doubt, however, that they consider anything they're doing to be abusive. They probably believe they are entitled to the things they are trying to manipulate others to do for them.

Tempting though it may be to dwell on the causes of the behaviors we observe, we'll never get inside the heads of our PDI family members. I think your strategy of being the lighthouse is the perfect solution-oriented approach to protecting your boundaries. I'm wishing you the best as you continue that commitment.     

[guitarman]

Thank you for all your comments.

Just venting. 

I've calmed down now after a short visit from my uBPD/uNPD sister yesterday. Thankfully she didn't stay for long.

She was doing a lot of projection, swearing and raging but not as bad as she has in the past. She tried to push all my buttons. I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier. I felt like screaming and shouting at her but I didn't. We were having a circular conversation but I realised what was going on so stopped taking part.

Any perceived sign of weakness about me she will try to exploit and use against me. That's why I never share anything personal about my life with her. She quizzes me so that she can have some ammunition to use against me. She's done it to one of our siblings in a very cruel and vicious way.

Anything I said she twisted around and was making things up about what would then happen next. I've seen this behaviour so often before when she goes on the attack. She made threats to upset me about things going on in the family. If she followed through with all her threats she could be very dangerous. She could make up false allegations which she's already done before.

I'd not heard from her for weeks. The last time I saw her she told me she has heart failure. She told me that it was even worse now. I said that it must be very worrying for her, trying to validate her feelings, but that wasn't what she wanted to hear. I don't know what she wanted to hear. When she's in an angry mood nothing I could say would ever be right.

She says that I don't care about her otherwise I would call her. I don't call her because I don't want to be abused as I never know what mood she is going to be in. If she calls me I usually answer and listen to her many issues.

She's obviously terrified about her heart condition and lashing out at anyone who is nearby. I've seen this behaviour before so I shouldn't be surprised.

Maybe she wanted me to give her lots of money and tell her that everything is going to be alright.

She's trying to provoke me to shout at her so that she can then become the victim. It's the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim.

Recognising the behaviours doesn't always make it easier to cope with by being the target of abuse when the raging starts but it helps to know there are things not to do and how not to prolong the abuse.

I stood my ground and calmly answered her back on a few occasions which only inflamed her more. I don't think she was expecting me to do that. Maybe she expected me to quietly take all of her abusive comments like I've done so often before. She was itching for a fight. She was determined to inflict her pain and suffering on others. She had so much pent up anger waiting to be released.

She brought up the last time I refused to give her any money for food and said how uncaring I was towards her then. She didn't mention how much money she'd already been given over many years. I've been told not to give her any more money and I didn't.

I don't know what the answer to this nightmare is, apart from going NC with her. She'll never change. I don't think she's ever capable of that now. I used to think that maybe she was.

I could feel broken and upset by her and become a gibbering wreck but I'm determined not to be. I have to behave with calm compassion knowing she has serious long term mental health issues. It's not easy.

I can see the signs of her going downhill again, being helpless and hopeless, feeling lost and abandoned. I hope I don't have nightmares about her. I usually do after I've been in contact with her.

Everything she said came from her disordered mind. She must be in a terrible state full of anxiety and worry. She's not rang me to apologise, she sometimes does. I won't talk to her if she calls. She can talk to the answerphone instead.

If she does have an emotional landslide and is in a crisis state she'll probably blame me because I dared to talk back to her and upset her. It's usually what happens after an angry episode. She has to blame someone for her own behaviour.

I'm calmer now. It takes several hours or even a few days to feel centered again. She didn't become suicidal. She left before that happened, still shouting at me. Maybe she recognised how upset she was getting and left.

My feelings vary between compassion and anger. I feel compassion because she may have a serious mental health issue then anger about how she treats people who try and be helpful towards her.

Sometimes I feel that I am done with her but then feel I shouldn't feel like that in case she becomes suicidal again. It's a constant dilemma.

I could go on and on. This is what happens after every time I see her. I need to analyse what happened and debrief. I'm pleased that I remained calm and didn't react negatively to all her provocations and abuse. It seems I'm still in the FOG.

Best wishes

guitarman

[goodgirl]

Guitarman,

First of all, I am so sorry. Every encounter with your sister sounds so very painful.

Second, I know in the past you've said that you can't go NC with her, that there are reasons you need to remain connected to your sister. But, honestly, are these interactions benefiting HER in any way? We all know how destructive they are for you, but they don't seem to do her any good either. I mean, you're not giving her money or a place to stay (and good for you!). From your accounts, it seems like you're just giving her an opportunity to rant and vent at you--which may be satisfying for her but is harmful for you.

What if you just didn't open your door to her?

[guitarman]

Thanks for your reply. I've had a few great days and am feeling much better. If my energy is low it's not so easy to cope with my sister when she's raging.

If I don't let my sister in she has threatened to call the police or social services because of my own mental health issues. So what, let her call them. I'm not afraid. She tries to intimidate me. It's abuse.

I realise I have choices to let my sister in or not. I don't let her in if I know she's in a bad, angry, accusatory, raging mood but I don't always know how she's going to behave.

I could ask her to leave. I could call the police or ambulance which I've done several times before. She knows that and sometimes challenges me to call them, trying to test me and I do call them if she's very bad or feeling suicidal.

Thankfully she doesn't contact me as frequently as she used to. Maybe it's because she knows I won't give her money which I still find so very hard not to do especially when she's pleading with me and sobbing. She tries to push all my buttons.

I've had a good week although it's been stressful. I've not heard from my sister since her last visit.

Things aren't as bad with my sister as they have been in the past. I have to be grateful that they aren't. However I can see the signs of her having another meltdown soon.

Best wishes

guitarman

[guitarman]

As predicted my uBPD/uNPD sister is in the middle of a meltdown.

She called me not long ago. I've not seen or heard from her since the last incident.

She says she's in hospital because of her heart failure, high blood pressure and other chronic conditions. She's under so much stress.

I was trying to find out what has been going on but it was difficult to get much sense out of her as she was raging.

It seems she went for a regular hospital appointment and they have kept her in over night. She says she's dying. I can't always believe what she says as from past experiences she's lied to me about being admitted into hospital.

She wants money. She says she can't cope. Her benefits are being reduced and she can't cover the shortfall in her rent.

She was on the attack blaming me and the rest of the family for how she is now. She was saying how uncaring we all are. She's had so much money from the family to help her in the past.

She says she's given up and hopes to die. It's all so sad.

I asked her if she's in touch with her social worker. Of course that inflamed her even more. I was trying to be a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

I'm calm but was shaking and wondering what is going to happen next, as ever.

I've tried to call her adult children but they aren't answering. I've spoken to my siblings so that has helped me to get a reality check from them. They listened to what I had to tell them and they aren't going to give her any money.

She won't talk to my siblings. So I get triangulated. She asked me to call them and her adult children. I don't deal with any of her financial matters any more. I'm too weak and give in to her demands.

When my sister feels this way she either feels suicidal or feels that she is going to die. She becomes hopeless and helpless. She gets so scared and frightened.

If she's telling the truth she's in a safe place under the best treatment in the world so I shouldn't be so worried. The doctors will be doing their best to help her. I won't be going to visit her.

I care but can't cope. I've got so much stress in my life already apart from my sister's concerns to worry about.

I just hope that one day she gets the proper professional long term intensive mental health care that she really needs. I can hope but it's probably never going to happen unless she has a life threatening incident where they section her for her own safety. It's the care pathway that many have to take in order to get the right professional help.

I've calmed down and am trying to think rationally.

She's reached out to me to help her. She knows I can't give her any more money and I know I shouldn't.

I just hope she doesn't visit me this week sobbing and wailing and talking and shouting for hours and hours about how uncaring I am. I'll stay calm and won't shout back at her. It's what she wants me to do but she'll try and push all my buttons to try and make me get upset. I'll be Grey Rock and Medium Chill.

This isn't easy even after all these years of witnessing her turmoil and torment.

I'm going to bed soon. I hope I can sleep and don't have nightmares about her.

I have to turn "What if?" into "What is". She's safe. She's being taken care of.

Best wishes

guitarman

[WomanInterrupted]

Guitarman,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but can I level with you, as one Waif Survivor to another?

DROP THE ROPE.

Nobody wants to talk to her.  Nobody "cares" - they do care, on some level, but they're sick of the drama and demands and have bowed out, backed out of the room, have gone MIA, and have become Sir Not Appearing In This Film.

YOU are the easiest mark, therefore the one she'll turn to.

What would happen if you STOP?

Just stop.  Drop the rope.  Block her number.  Not allow her into your apartment.  Not get sucked into her never-ending drama of non-existent medical problems.

Yes - she is a human being, but she can become *somebody else's problem* and NOT yours.

This might sound harsh, and forgive me if it does, because it's the truth I know:  the more you feed it, the more it keeps coming back.

Nobody else is feeding her.  Nobody wants to deal with her - not even her own adult children.

So what the hell do you get out of all of this?

Nothing but grief.

Let the medical system deal with her.  Let her social worker deal with her.  Let the system do its thing and *stay out of it.*

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER, IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM.

For the love of you, *please* let go - you're not her carer, her confidante, her helpmate - you're just the easiest person to USE - and she'll keep using you as long as  you provide something.

Money, an ear, a trip to the hospital, a meal, a place to crash, a place to *vent*.

Please be a lifeboat to YOURSELF and forget about her - I know it's hard, but you're the one who got the lifeboat, stocked it with supplies, put on your life jacket and handed her one.

She threw it overboard and punched a hole in the bottom of the boat, which has now sunk, and she's treading water - oh look, YOU have on a lifejacket!  I'll just climb on top of  you and YOU can keep me afloat, while I push your head under, trying to save myself, while I drown you and complain about it later - you didn't try hard enough to stay alive, and it's SO SAD, feel bad for me - and dammit, that bastard didn't even put me in his will!  Where is my money?  How will I go on my next adventure, be it shopping, a trip, or obtaining food?   


She does not care about you - she'd rather see you in pain - or worse - suffering, and tell you *you brought it on yourself* because you don't think about HER needs, so it's karma.   

In a rare moment of complete honesty, she might tell you that you *deserve* it, for all the hell you've visited upon her, while you're thinking, "WTF!?!?"" - and trying to hide it. 

She *delights* in the pain she brings to those closest to her - and only cares about herself, what comes next, who she's going to get it from, how she's going to *exploit the next resource*.   

YOU are the resource she finds easiest to exploit.

Think of it this way - your sister is a tiger in a cage, and that tiger hasn't been fed in a while.

Do you call Animal Control, to get that tiger into an animal sanctuary, where it can be properly cared for, or do you say, "That poor tiger!" - and unlock the door and offer yourself to it as lunch?

You've been conditioned to be lunch - and you are NOT.

Be your own lifeboat.  You've got the tools.  You've got the supplies.  You've got a life jacket.  You're set for smooth sailing, to calmer waters.

Your sister - like unBPD Didi - will create chaos, confusion, drama, life-threatening illnesses *that may or may not be real and are NOT YOUR PROBLEM.*

Do YOU call your entire FOO and demand they pay attention to that wart on your foot, and claim it could be "serious" or even "pre-cancerous" or a "concern" that could have far more dire consequences, and require life-long attention?

Of course not.

You either get some stuff from the pharmacy or go to a doctor and it's no big deal.

And may even have a humorous story about it, later - "I went to the foot doctor, and boy, was it funny!"   

Your sister will NEVER have a story like that - it's all mired in drama, no facts, and a lot of her unreliable narrative.

Can you trust her - no.  You can only trust her to reach out when she needs something and try to fuck you over with her *emotional blackmail and abuse.*

If I can get out of the quagmire I was brought up in - you can, too.   

Changing your thinking can be hard - but once it REALLY sinks in that this person  *absolutely does not care about you, other than what they can USE you for, get out of you and BLAME you for, in the process* - it gets easier.

Please be well - and be STRONG.  Please, at least, consider my words and shore up your boundaries.

You do not need to live at her mercy.  Your life is YOURS.

Please start thinking about going forth and just seizing the damned day.   

[goodgirl]

 

Let me add my own metaphor: your sister is a rabid dog.   Now nobody loves dogs more than me, and god knows I pity the pup who contracts rabies: after all, the dog is sick and it's not the dog's fault. BUT... that doesn't mean I have to go up and try to pet the dog, or feed the dog, or adopt the dog.   I'm sure we all agree that's a bad idea.  But the only healthy solution is to call animal control and let the professionals handle the rabid dog.

[Summer Sun]

Guitarman, you have the heart of a lion and patience of a Saint.  You have done a remarkable job at being a Lighthouse.  Your sister only sees you as the Lifeboat though as others have pointed out. 

She asks you to call her siblings and adult children?  Can you at least put up a boundary there?  Avoid being drawn into triangulation.  "No, their YOUR kids, you call them."  No JADE.

You mention you have enough stress in your life, without your sister?  Sometimes, we have to put ourselves first.  Our oxygen mask before young children. 

It doesn't mean we don't care, we don't love, it just means we need to care for ourselves, as others are not "capable".  I have had to do this, I will not sacrifice myself for those that only use me and grind me down to dust and then have the gall to call me dusty.  They may be ill, but I am not the cure. 



Summer Sun

[guitarman]

Thank you all. I really appreciate your comments. I need a reality check.

My uBPD/uNPD sister is never going to change. That has been a huge mind shift in my thinking about her. I always had some tiny hope that she would.

I've got to stop thinking that she's going to change and that somehow I can help her. It's so hard to turn away from someone wanting to jump off a cliff next to you. The guilt in watching them try is tremendous. I have to turn away. It's something I have to do.

Little by little things have changed for me, not as much as I had hoped. I thought by now that my sister would be more stable and leading a full productive life with a regular income.

She's exploiting my caring nature. She always has done. I am an easy target because I don't want to be uncaring I suppose. I wouldn't let anyone else treat me the way she treats me so I have to ask myself why I allow her to do so and I don't have an answer.

She's afraid she might be dying but I can't cure her. If she got lots of money she would probably make a miraculous recovery, so maybe it's financial problems she has not physical health issues. I just don't know any more.

She wants money and was shouting "For God's sake I'M YOUR SISTER!". It's as though she's entitled to everything and I'm supposed to help her out whenever she hasn't got any money because of her supposedly poor health and inability to work.

I feel good today calm, stable and centred and in a happy mood. I think it's because that I didn't get angry when she rang and I stayed calm. I've not called her to find out how she is and she's not called me. I presume she's alive, yes of course she is. If she calls I may not talk to her. It depends how I'm feeling.

When she is in a crisis my mind goes straight back to the worst times with her when she was causing so much havoc, turmoil and destruction.

I'm thinking of the future and of the worse case scenarios and I shouldn't. One scenario would be her turning up homeless expecting me to accommodate her. What a nightmare that would be.

There are professional people that can help her. They SHOULD be helping her. She is their responsibility not mine.

I have so much stress in my life that I don't talk much about here. Sometimes I'm in excruciating pain. She thinks she's my only concern. In reality she's a very small part of my life. She's only one person. She is huge in my thoughts though.

I can't go full NC with her because of my living situation. I realise that I can call the emergency services if I need to and I've done that before.

It's been a hard, difficult lesson to learn that I can't change her. I can only change and control how I react to her. This isn't easy and it's tearing me apart.

Best wishes

guitarman

[WomanInterrupted]

That was the same lesson I had to learn with unBPD Didi - she was never going to change, never going to care, and never going to think of anybody but herself, so I had to change myself, the way I handled her, and the way I thought of her.

She was no longer everybody's victim - she was a *manipulator* who wanted what she wanted, when she wanted it, and five minutes later, she'd want something else, but not know what it was, and expect me to figure it out for her, find it, get it - and it would always be a disappointment, and *surely* I could do better next time, and the time after that, and the time after that, ad nauseum.   

That might help - seeing your sister as a master manipulator, and you're the easiest person to use.

What you do is make yourself USELESS - no money, no food, no meals, no venting, no complaining about her health.   

And NO "pop over"  visits.  Don't let her in.  If she won't leave and starts making a scene in the hall, call the police.

Personally, I wouldn't let her into your living space, PERIOD.  From now on, I'd insist on meeting her in public, at a coffee shop.  She's less likely to lose her shit in public, but if she does, you can get up and LEAVE.

Venting - Medium Chill, all the way.  Oh.  That's something.  You don't say.  Gee.  Gosh.  Hmmm.  Wow.  I don't know what to say... - you get the idea, but there's more in the Toolbox, and if there are specific situations you need Snappy Answers for, but nothing seems appropriate, just ask.   

Griping about her health?

Always refer her back to her *doctor* or pharmacist.

"That's a shame.  You really need to speak to your doctor about that."

If she starts complaining he/she doesn't understand or is incompetent, stick to, "Well, I don't know what to tell you, but I'm sure you'll figure it out."

Money, a meal, food - if you stop having her over, meals won't be an issue - that's why I suggested a *coffee shop* - no meals available - but money?

No is a complete sentence.  Don't JADE.  "I can't do that."  "I can't help you."  "I can't spare it."

And remember, you can leave at any time, even if you're just sick of listening to her or looking at her frowny face, every time you tell her, "No."   

After a few attempts - or maybe one - where the New Rules are in place - in public, she gets *nothing* but a cup of coffee (or tea), you've become as boring as a bucket of wallpaper paste and as useless to her as lint - something interesting will happen.

You'll drop down a notch or two on her list of people to use.  You'll no longer be the easiest, so she'll just move on to the next person, then the next, then the next.

That's just what they do - and if they run out of people, they always manage to find new marks, somewhere - even if they have to join a church, or become more active at the church they're a member of,  aka *visibly in pain/having difficulties at services*.   

There's no low they won't stoop to, IME.

The discard feels *weird* - on one hand, there's peace and quiet, just like you wanted.  On the other, you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And on another hand (why are there always more than two hands, when PDs are concerned?   ), you're *hurt* and maybe even a little angry that you were so easily replaced, and possibly a little resentful, too.

That's normal.  There will be some anxiety - but it's okay.  You'll work through it and be *fine* - eventually.   

And please remember - *any* threats of suicide, *call emergency services immediately* - even if you have to leave the table to do it.

If the first responders need to confirm she threatened suicide, do just that - she can deny it all she wants, say she was kidding, oh, she didn't MEAN it, and *you're* the ones who take things far too seriously - it will also make you FAR less attractive as a target, because the target *fights back.*   

She doesn't want to fight - she wants to WIN.  Having to explain herself to paramedics, and you slipping out and ditching her, after telling them what she said - that's not winning.  That's just
*embarrassing* and *humiliating.*

But also necessary, for your self-preservation.   

Another thing that's very helpful is to start putting yourself, first.  She's got you cast as a bit-player, in your own life - that's got to STOP.

Your needs, wants, dreams, desires and daily necessities come FIRST.  Your health comes FIRST.  Your happiness comes FIRST.   

That's not selfish - that's what normal people do, every single day.

You've GOT this, Guitarman!   

If I could get out of the hell Didi tried to create for me - a hell that was only getting worse because she was getting older and even  Waifier - you can, too.

And it all starts with realizing they won't and can't change, the situation is intolerable, and you deserve MUCH better.

[guitarman]

Thanks for your insight and support. I know you've been through a similar situation yourself.

Just venting.

My uBPD/uNPD sister called me yesterday evening. As usual she wants money. She says if she doesn't get it she'll be evicted.

She said "I'M YOUR SISTER. I'M FAMILY".

My siblings won't give her money and neither will I.

She doesn't know what to do but said that she's going to approach a charity for help. I suggested that she speak to her social worker.

I remained calm and agreed with her that it's a terrible situation that she's in, validating her feelings.

She can't afford where she is living. It's a rented two bedroom flat with only her living in it. She says she can't afford to move.

Maybe she could get a lodger, if her landlord agrees. But who would want to ever live with her? She would hate it as she would have to be on her best behaviour all the time. It would probably take weeks to find someone.

I could give her money. Anything for a quiet life. It won't solve any of her problems. She'd want more again next month.

She says she has a cash flow problem. There's no cash flowing her way! That's the problem. Her benefits have been reduced and they no longer cover her living costs.

She said that our father wouldn't like to see her like this. He died worrying about her. She tries to push all my buttons using his memory to taunt me and make me feel guilty for not helping more.

Now I fear her visiting me pleading for money to help her. She's been on her knees before begging and imploring me to give it to her. She's been shaking in the foetal position on the floor crying and whimpering. I can't ever forget that.

I'm torn between giving her money and not giving into her demands and being called by her uncaring. I care but can't cope.

I know of a carer whose teenage grandchild has gone to prison for nine months for obtaining money with menaces from her. They were making all sorts of threats towards her.

This is torment. My sister torments me until I give in. It's been going on for years. I can't solve all her problems with money. I've done it before and it's never worked. She still wants more money.

I know I've got to drop the rope. That phrase was in my head as I was listening to her. My siblings have. They live much further away from her and she doesn't visit them. It's easier for them to cope with her demands.

I don't want to start feeling resentment towards them for not helping or rather enabling her. It would be enabling her.

I wish her social worker had a plan that my sister followed. She needs help. She says she can't cope. I know she is at rock bottom when she admits that she can't cope. She sounded so pathetic and sad on the phone. She could become psychotic and delusional from all the financial stress.

When I'm in this situation I get panicked. I'm on edge all the time. I can't think straight. I'm worrying over something that hasn't even happened yet but potentially could. She'll threaten to harm herself and become homeless. It feels like I'm the only one that can help her. It's hell feeling like this over and over again.

My rational mind has deserted me and gone into overdrive. I need to be rational and calm. Breathe slowly. Turn "What if?" into "What is".

I need someone from outside my family to help her. I don't want to be involved in her life any more. It's torture. I have no resilience left.

I've calmed down since I wrote this and had an almost enjoyable day. No phone call from her yet.

Best wishes

guitarman

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm glad you're feeling better - and WELL DONE on how you handled her on the phone!   

It sounds like she's going Full Metal Waif on you.  Poooooor her!  Only YOU can fix problems she doesn't *want* fixed - she just wants MORE, when she wants it, and she'll keep upping the ante until you give in - she's *used* to you eventually giving in, so shaking her is going to be extremely difficult.

UnBPD Didi thought she'd get a nice hospital bed in our living room, if she just played sick and helpless long enough, and then I could treat her like an infant and wait on her, 24/7, which is what she wanted.   

Instead, she died alone in Hospice, in the company of strangers, and never even got her final last digs at me, because I wouldn't visit.

So it CAN be done.  You just have to remember to look at your surroundings and realize *this is worth fighting for.*   

Then take a good look at yourself in the mirror.  Smile at that man, and tell him, "YOU are worth fighting for!"   

As I said before, if she shows up, don't let her in.  If she makes a scene in the hall, call the police.

If she threatens suicide, call an ambulance and let THEM deal with her.

That scene with her in a fetal position, whimpering on the floor?  That would have gotten the reaction of a very calm, "You can either stop that right now, or you can explain it to the paramedics.  Your choice."

You'd be amazed how fast she'll stop because she was *acting* the whole time - it's like when they instantly turn off the waterworks - and you're horrified to discover there were *no actual tears.*

Yes, they will do and say just about anything to *get their way.*

Stick to your guns - NO.  You're sure she'll figure out something, but you can't help her.   

You can also end the call too, if it's going to be nothing but continued pleading for money. 

Make a deal with yourself - if she asks more than once, tell her you've got to go and *hang up* - then don't take her calls for the rest of the week.

You're giving her a time out - that's the *consequence* of her bad behavior.   

Yeah, the idea of her getting a roommate is laughable - she'll probably wind up evicting them in the first week and blame THEM for all sorts of non-existent problems, which will somehow all become *your fault* because if you'd just given her money, none of this would even be an issue.   

You've got to have very FIRM boundaries, when it comes to your sister.  The boundaries *protect* you from her *exploitation.*

You're a MAN, not a RESOURCE.

You're a lot stronger than you realize, you know.   

You really are - you went from a complete doormat (her carer, going to that carer's group, which really did nothing to benefit you) - to realizing she's a lost cause, and being able to stand up for yourself in saying, "No."

That's what you have to keep doing - and if she's going to try to push all your buttons, you can *end the call.*

"I said no.  This is no longer a discussion.  Goodbye."   

I would *definitely* not let her in, and insist on meeting in public.  If she's going to *abuse* you in your own home, she loses the privilege of being invited over, or walking in the front door. 

I'd also consider blocking her number, if I were in your position - and moving, when your lease comes up.

If you're anything like me, you just made a face and said, "I hate moving!"   

But at least allow yourself to give it a good think, before you toss the idea completely.

Wouldn't it be *nice* to live somewhere where your sister doesn't have the address, or it's just too difficult for her to get to?

If that made you smile, you can do a half-hearted apartment search, just to see what's out there.

You don't have to commit to anything - you're just testing the waters, so to speak.

What you need to remember is that YOU have all the power - meaning YOU control access to  yourself - and she has NONE.   

And you'll realize you're gaining ground in your own personal recovery, when you stop being stressed out and start getting *pissed off* - and find yourself doing nothing but rolling your eyes when  you're on the phone with her.

You *will* get there - we all do, eventually.

You can do this.       

You have to - you're literally battling for who controls your life, and it's a battle you MUST win.

[guitarman]

Thanks I know you are right. I'm feeling better today although I had a nightmare about my uBPD/uNPD sister.

You've been through so much as well. I don't think anyone else really understands how traumatic this can be unless they've been through similar situations themselves. It's why I post here so others can relate to what I go through. I have a voice here. I was silent for so long growing up not knowing what to do. My parents didn't either. On so many occasions we were all crying together after a traumatic incident feeling scared and helpless.

My sister acts like a child and wants to be looked after then in the past when I did things for her she says she's an adult and doesn't want to be treated like a child. She can become so helpless and hopeless wanting someone to solve all her problems for her. 

She can be quite an actress and very convincing. I've got suckered into her helpless routine so many times before. However I've silently and calmly stepped over her whimpering on the floor before, ignoring her.

I've often said that she's going to end up a lonely old woman with no friends or family because she alienates everyone by her behaviour. She can't see that.

She blames everyone else for her behaviour and misfortune. I keep telling myself that she's very intelligent and resourceful. She'll work something out without my intervention. She'll turn on the charm and eventually get some poor man to become her life partner.

It feels like I'm always taking two steps forward and then one step back. Progress can be difficult.

Best wishes

guitarman

[nanotech]

Dear guitar man I'm so sorry you've been going through all of this yet again. I am totally in agreement with woman interrupted on all of her advice for you.
I too have the ' I'm family!' card played. This is when they want something. I've learned to be strong and not to be reeled in, as I was in the past, countless times.
I'm lucky I don't live in the same town as her. I have some geographical protection!
Yes; we are raised to love and protect family, but NOT if family ties are consistently and ruthlessly abused. She knows you well. She grew up with you. She knows she's hurting and angering you and causing you to have insomnia. She's aware that in order to allay these feelings; you've given in to her demands before. So she's trying again. No thought, of course, of love and protection for you. It doesn't cross her mind. The only person on her mind is her. Same with my sister. When we first realise that, we go through a kind of bereavement. Yet we become healthier and more able to live authentically.

Giving in to her demands would in the past have to given you some short term relief. She might have thrown some emotional honey your way for a time. Or she might not! The sense of entitlement is huge and it's scarey. Whatever we do, they will still feel wronged. I've come to realise that. So I've taught myself not to care, and in doing so I've cared for myself. Give yourself that unconditional love that she is so incapable of. Nurture your inner child. Protect him, and keep strong.

[guitarman]

"Emotional honey" yes! I've had so much of that before.

I realise that I have to nurture myself more. It isn't easy when someone is potentially threatening to harm themselves or is spiralling downwards again. I then start thinking that if only I'd done more this wouldn't have happened, which is deluded thinking, trying to fix all the problems that she has caused in the first place.

Hopefully my uBPD/uNPD sister will reach out to someone else. She usually finds someone else, a new best friend.

I know I've reached my limit. I have to listen to myself. I've done more than enough for her over the years, decades in fact. She's never going to change. She hasn't changed even after all the support she's received from everyone.

Best wishes

guitarman

[nanotech]

Remember the three c s,

Your didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.

Remember those three C.S.  and never ever ever EVER blame yourself for any of it.
EVER!
We've been programmed to do this, but we can stop it! We always could.

They, and only they, are responsible for the choices they make or have made, in life. When they made those choices, they didn't consult us. We were not listened to. We were discarded and ignored. 

Sending best wishes.