I quote, "I think you will regret it yourself if you don't see your Mum."

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EnglishLady

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Re: I quote, "I think you will regret it yourself if you don't see your Mum."
« Reply #20 on: September 05, 2018, 09:04:57 AM »
Going to be blunt here. I think she’s wrong.

Guilt/regret are emotions we might feel on the death of a predominantly good parent, who’d raised us with love and selflessness (prior to estrangement).

Given the lack of maternal/paternal love from our PD parents, so many wasted years chasing non-relationships, the confusion, manipulation, lies, deceit and outright abuses...

Numbness and/or relief might be closer to our actual feelings on their passing.

ABSOLUTELY SPOT ON !!!     That's EXACTLY how I feel !  Brilliantly put, thank you Sooz  :) xx

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blacksheep7

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Re: I quote, "I think you will regret it yourself if you don't see your Mum."
« Reply #21 on: September 05, 2018, 12:21:53 PM »
That's her opinion, not yours.  I've come to understand the guilt we have, we were raised to feel it  when we did not answer to their needs, their emptiness, that glass half full.  They made sure we felt it. >:(

We eventually  know what we can or can not handle with our PD parents.  I chose nc for my mental health, weakened by NF in our upbringing and NM as a widow, showing BP traits. This is what I told my extended family, that she caused me more pain instead of support as a Mother should be, not my best interest at heart.  Roles reversed.   The guilt is gone, finally.

I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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The New Me!

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Re: I quote, "I think you will regret it yourself if you don't see your Mum."
« Reply #22 on: September 05, 2018, 01:27:56 PM »
Thanks for the comments Starboard Song, English Lady and Black Sheep,

My therapist referred to it as 'imposed guilt.'  Explained projection to me.  It's interesting my Mum's initial email she sent asking to go for coffee started with "it was lovely to see **** (my son) the other day."  I see it now; I'll suck TNM back in by manipulating her about her son.  I know it's not been right that we've not seen **** (my son) for 8 months, but I cannot handle the guilt so I'll turn it back on to you.  It's all about her and him and it always will be.

There's no way I'm going back and Starboard Song's description of leaving a key under the mat is an accurate way to describe it.  That door left ajar would be pushed right open and a tirade of verbal and emotional abuse would come flooding through, manipulation, guilt; the lot.  I'm just not prepared to put myself through it time and time again.  They've never really considered me not once.

My therapist also advised to let all what's happened go, but not to forget!  Basically, don't keep dwelling on it, but say it's because of x, y and z that I'm doing this.  I think my step-sister was trying to prey on the old me and possibly didn't really realise how much I'd changed, because we don't really see that much of each other; so she's not experienced the new me that much.  However, after being in her company for that afternoon I think she started to realise how much I'd changed and it dawned on her that those sort of comments just wouldn't wash.

Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days; gradually weaning myself off the anti-depressants, slow but sure.  However, the good days far outweigh the bad days and I hope that people on this forum gain some insight and it helps others, because we don't have to put up with the behaviour we've endured through our lives. :)