Need feedback on NC

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Absent Minded Artist

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Need feedback on NC
« on: August 31, 2018, 05:57:54 PM »
So I've been trying to go NC with my HPD/BPD mom. I startd by blocking her on social media, and I set my phone so her calls go directly to voicemail. She still calls but doesn't leave a message. The other day she messaged my better half asking for money. Now he has her blocked as well. Yesterday I posted a painting on my art page and she commented underneath. It was a generic, supportive comment but I got that guy wrenching feeling. She's too unpredictable and who knows what she would do next. I deleted her comment and banned her from my art page.

This morning she showed up at my door unannounced, asking if I wanted to go to lunch with her and my 1/2 sisters. I'm proud of myself bc I said no, and I also said no to her using my place as a meeting spot and to her leaving her car there for a few hours.

The NC ::crickets:: method hasn't worked and I've decided to have a conversation about not wanting anything to do with her. I don't handle confrontation well. What should I say and how should I say it?

I'm bundle of sadness and anger and greif and yes, guilt. But I know it needs to be done.

Thanks in advance, you guys are amazing!
"A manipulator makes you fear everyone around you so you don't see the monster right in front of you. They may have tied your blindfold, but you can take it off"
Erin Van Vuren

"Owning our story & loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we'll ever do"
Brenč Brown

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Fuzzydog

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Re: Need feedback on NC
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2018, 09:35:20 PM »
I knew I couldn't confront my NM straight on,  so I wrote a letter.  It wasn't mean (my therapist helped me) but it was a bit harsh, and I cited one ongoing issue.  Only one, because I didn't want to overload the discussion, but I knew she wouldn't accept me simply saying "Don't contact me."
The advantage to a letter is that you can't be interrupted.  I needed that.
As it was, she has made no effort at all, simply erased me. Ironic.

Good luck with this, I know how hard it is.    :bighug:

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Orthocone

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Re: Need feedback on NC
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2018, 03:05:07 PM »
I agree with a letter.  It can't be interrupted, shut down, gaslit, manipulated, etc. 

Fuzzydog I'm with you there.  Once she couldn't control me anymore, that was it. 

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Need feedback on NC
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2018, 02:07:08 AM »
Normally, I'm not a big advocate of letters, but since she *absolutely will not take a bloody hint* - I'd say, in this case, it's completely appropriate.

I'd write a few sample drafts, first - to keep yourself on track, and to get all your emotions out of the way.  You can even let your drafts devolve into rants, for your eyes only, and say whatever it is you NEED to get out of your system, like, "Look, you hateful so-and-so, what is your PROBLEM!?  I've BLOCKED you, my DH has blocked you and are you really that DENSE!?!?!?"

Once all that is out of your head, the contents of the letter may become more clear to you - and you'll probably know just what to say, to get the point across that you don't want her in your life, PERIOD.

Once you're satisfied with your letter, if you want, you can run it by the forum.   :yes:

After that, I'd make a point to send it via registered mail, return receipt requested, so you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, she got it - and keep a copy of your letter *and* the signed receipt, in case she decides to ignore the letter and keeps contacting you - if she's troublesome, or starts stirring up a lot of garbage, *document everything* and Google, "Cease and Desist letter."

There are templates out there - or you could contact a lawyer about sending one.

It's not legally binding - but seeing a lawyer's letterhead might actually put the fear of God into her.

If she ignores *that* - take all your evidence to the police, and file for a restraining order.

I remember reading about one poster who had a restraining order denied because they specifically hadn't told their mother to not contact them - you'll have done it *twice* - so hopefully, the next step won't be a problem if she won't stop harassing you.

You know her best, so you probably know whether she'll ignore your letter or think she's giving *you* the Silent Treat.   :bigwink:

 :hug:

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Absent Minded Artist

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Re: Need feedback on NC
« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2018, 04:16:07 AM »
"Look, you hateful so-and-so, what is your PROBLEM!?  I've BLOCKED you, my DH has blocked you and are you really that DENSE!?!?!?"

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying, thank you. I really hope it doesn't come to that point.

The funny thing is, the more my mom treats me like garbage the more I appreciate my FOC. I spent the last few days cooking and making gifts. The sink is piled with dishes and my art room looks like we've been robbed... But I had a great time and I feel like I did some healing in my soul. It's nice to feel loved and appreciated with no strings attached.

Thanks for listening. You guys are the best.
"A manipulator makes you fear everyone around you so you don't see the monster right in front of you. They may have tied your blindfold, but you can take it off"
Erin Van Vuren

"Owning our story & loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we'll ever do"
Brenč Brown

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One

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Re: Need feedback on NC
« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2018, 12:20:53 PM »
Do you have a therapist you can talk over what to write in the letter?  I've been considering this myself.
You don't want to end up like me...8 years later with your mother continuing to have a one sided relationship with you whether you like it or not.
Some of them don't seem to get it...or maybe they just don't have a replacement.
Enjoy the silence.

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BunnyLover

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Re: Need feedback on NC
« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2018, 02:26:58 PM »
Also be aware, if she can she will take that letter and use it to smear you to anyone who will listen - for the rest of her life. Keep it short & to the point, and I'd second the idea to run it past the folks here first. The long-time posters here have seen it all before, and can help you avoid giving her any ammo she can use against you later.

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Moxie890

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Re: Need feedback on NC
« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2018, 05:25:34 PM »
Bearing in mind that you do not owe her anything, and you are doing this for you... A "text message breakup" is an option. It's what I did. I sent one sentence, that wasn't cruel but it was to the point.

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Absent Minded Artist

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Re: Need feedback on NC
« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2018, 10:16:42 AM »
I do have a therapist, and I'll ask her for advice. I have to weigh the pros and cons of sending the letter, but I think writing one and posting it here will really help emotionally. It would be just like her to use anything I say as ammo, so that's a really good point to keep in mind.

I've been busy enjoying the last days of summer weather, and I'm grateful that she hasn't been "renting space in my head." I guess I have good days and bad days.
"A manipulator makes you fear everyone around you so you don't see the monster right in front of you. They may have tied your blindfold, but you can take it off"
Erin Van Vuren

"Owning our story & loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we'll ever do"
Brenč Brown

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Fuzzydog

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Re: Need feedback on NC
« Reply #9 on: September 06, 2018, 03:30:44 PM »
Remember, too, that you will lose people by definitely (whether by letter or not) and officially going NC.  Maybe a few more if she has a letter to wave about.  But I found, to my surprise, that many people were not only not surprised when I did this, but very supportive. Other people know what's going on more than you think, and can be very supportive of you.

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Absent Minded Artist

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Re: Need feedback on NC
« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2018, 04:25:51 PM »
So I've been thinking about sending a letter but haven't actually written it yet. She has left voicemails for my DH and he deleted them without listening to them. Then the other day she messaged me out of the blue "I miss you." I knew she wanted/needed something so I ignored it.

I found out today (through my sis who still sees her sometimes), that she is moving again. She will be 4 hours away, where she will be somebody else's problem.

I don't know why it bothers me that she tells people what a horrible person I am. Anyone who has ever met me knows that is far from the truth. In some ways writing a letter gives her ammunition, and I'm worried it will blow up in my face.

Has anyone else been really pissed off at the notion that your PD parent is spewing lies to anyone willing to listen? How do I let it go?
"A manipulator makes you fear everyone around you so you don't see the monster right in front of you. They may have tied your blindfold, but you can take it off"
Erin Van Vuren

"Owning our story & loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we'll ever do"
Brenč Brown

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all4peace

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Re: Need feedback on NC
« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2018, 05:47:47 PM »
Hi, Absent Minded Artist--when I dig way back in the recesses of my journey OOTF, I remember caring what other people thought was a HUGE obstacle. It's still an obstacle, but not nearly as bad as it used to be. I often visualize a balance in my mind, 2 opposing things on opposite sides. What matters more? What gives me the most peace? What do I actually have control over? etc.

So, if what other people think matters more to you than lowered contact with your M, then stay in contact.
If the benefits of reduced contact are necessary, then you have to find a way to let go of what others think. You can't control that anyway, and you have no guarantees they'll think well of you if stay in contact. You don't even know if they'll think badly of you if you lower contact.

Here's another image that helped me. There's a "monkey trap" that's designed by having a piece of fruit inside a jar. Once the monkey reaches inside and grabs that fruit, it's fist is too big to allow it to remove its hand. To be free, all it has to do is let go. But it won't, and so it dies there.

Coming OOTF is a lot of letting go. We let go of things we can't bear to lose. We let go of things we didn't realize we were even holding. We let go of things so painful it feels like they were torn out of our hands. And sometimes we consciously, with choice and intention, let go of things over which we have no control. And then we are free.

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Malini

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Re: Need feedback on NC
« Reply #12 on: September 13, 2018, 08:22:12 PM »
Yes, I hated knowing that she was spewing lies about me, I hated the injustice of it and I hated that I had no control over it. I hated bumping into mutual acquaintances and just not knowing what they were thinking about me, and these random, chance encounters are still always awkward.

I used to think that people who KNOW me will not believe the smearing, but having lost my whole extended FOO in drips and drabs since coming OOTF, realise that isn't entirely true. So like all4Peace's monkey jar analogy (which I love), it's better to let it go, but this takes time and won't happen overnight.

As to your letter, I would suggest you write a first letter, the ranting and raving one, the long one filled with sadness and emotion. Then write the second one, just picking out the essential things you'd like to say, these will be hidden in the ranting and raving but become really clear as you reread the first letter. And then sit with it, for a week or so. In my experience, once I'd finally said my piece, I realised I didn't need to send either letter because my path was clear to me.

Also, my over 80 yr old NM is surprisingly social media savvy and a lot of terrible stuff is spewed on her FB or Insta pages, she is also very procedural and would have no compunction in publicly posting any communications from me or using them to legally attack me. This was a large deciding factor for me when I thought about how and what I needed and wanted to communicate to her or enNF.

Take care
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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Need feedback on NC
« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2018, 02:26:31 AM »
My entire FOO is a mess of PDs, and DH's is, too.  We're the Scapegoats - but I'm an even bigger target for unNPD MIL, since I "stole" her baby and brainwashed him.   :violin:

I've been smeared all my life by unBPD Didi, unNPD Ray, and their FOO - so I'm kind of immune to it, which means MIL didn't stand a chance when she started smearing me.   :evil2:

I simply do not CARE what others who drink the kool-aid think of me.  I have no F's to G.

If somebody wants to believe I'm a terrible person - go right ahead.  But they won't be doing it in my proximity for long, because I'll ghost them.  I don't need that negativity in my life.

I know who I am, and I am NOT a terrible person.  I'm far from perfect and have my WTF moments, but at least I *try* not to take my moods out on others, and generally be a kind, upbeat person.  I learn from my mistakes (eventually) and strive to be a better person than I was the day before.   :)

People who know me know those things and accept me, warts and all, just as I accept them, warts and all. 

People who'd rather believe lies *do not know me* and won't ever get the chance.

I feel it's their loss, and they'll never know what they lost, because they'd rather listen to lies, innuendo, skewed and distorted reality, and generalized rubbish about how I *ignored* my sainted mother on her deathbed (which one would THAT be?   :evil2:), and left my poor, old widowed daddy to his own devices, and now he's in a NURSING HOME, when I should have *done my duty* and taken him in.

Oh yeah - I know unNPD Ray's FOO is still buzzing like hornets over that, mostly because *they want money.*   :aaauuugh:

Well, as long as none of them calls, I won't have to laugh at them, then block their numbers.   8-)

Once you stop caring what others who are on the fence actually think about you, it's quite liberating.  They either follow the PD line of thinking and distance themselves, and the smart ones stick around because what they're hearing and the kind of person you actually are - both can't be true, and they start to realize no, you really aren't a demon in disguise. 

Another part of it is to let the other party do all the bad-mouthing, while you stay silent.  People do notice that sort of thing - if your mother never has a kind word to say about you and never shuts up on the subject, yet you haven't uttered a peep  - perceptive people will start to figure out where the problem really lies, especially if it's going on  for *years.*

You may lose people along the way, but as time goes on,  some of them might find their way back to you.

 :hug: