Fighting defeat

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lifeline

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #20 on: October 03, 2018, 06:10:37 PM »
I do have my own room, but the door's mounted improperly so it doesn't close all the way.  I do however have a walk in closet in there, that I can stash anything I need to and plan to install a lock this weekend.

Last night when he picked the girl up from my house he managed to squeeze in a covert threat.  I sent the verbatim conversation to my attorney via text, literally just "Hi Attorney, while it's fresh here are facts verbatim, this is not the first time, not the worst time, and this is why I want minimal contact".  She thanked me and replied she's saving that text.  I'm glad I approached her with only facts.

Yeah no kidding Lifted, I've been killing myself to repair my credit to get a living space actually big enough for all of us.

What is most unnerving is that I felt sabotaged and alienated when we all three lived together.  I left and felt peace.  Bringing her in to sit for the kids was super triggering, and I felt like I really had to work on myself to cope with the feelings that induced.  Now I'm feeling triggered all over again, and I think I'm coping better than I have in the past but I'm still feeling very uneasy about all of it.
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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hhaw

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #21 on: October 03, 2018, 07:30:41 PM »
About the child custody evaluation.

Play games with your children.  You'll likely have to sit down with them and play Apples To Apples, or something like that, while being observed and recorded.  My kids were handed little plastic hammers, first thing, and asked what they'd like to DO with them.  My kiddos just blinked at the insane Psych evaluator, and handed them back.  I supposed some children would choose otherwise.   Food for thought.

They'll have your kids draw pictures of the family, and explain them.  If there isn't enough time to finish, for instance, if all the family members don't get mouths THAT could pop up in the evaluation as a thing.  Maybe have the kids do some drawing of the family before you go?

Hopefully you'll get an evaluator who knows what they're doing, and has your childrens' best interest in  mind.

Our psych evaluator was paid by the opposition, and ended up working FOR them.  I'd like to say to you....
"stay level, and don't say too much" but I was so submarined by the opposition I WISH I'd have said more up front.  Not that it would have helped.

OK.  I'm not saying this to upset you.   I want you to know your children will play games with you, and their father.  That they'll be tested out the kazoos, and assigned numbers that represent their intelligence.  That's not the important part, IME.

What's important is....

are they doing well in school?
Are you saying bad thins about their father, and asking them to shun him?
Do you have food in the house?
Are they getting to their activities regularly, and on time?
Are you working with your ex to raise your children in a safe, and peaceful manner?
No one likes it when one parent is an AS, forgetting meds on purpose, or refusing to communicate with the other regarding meds just to tick off the other parent, etc.  Judges really frown on that, IF they care, IME. 
If you're calmly and consistently attemtping to communicate with the ex about your children,  their needs, and exchanges, and visits, have documentatin to back it up, and show your story is correct, you'll likely do well, IME. 

Just don't let the PD bait you into any outbursts...  that's what they DO.   Make you believe they're controlling things, and influencing the Judge, when they might actually be shooting themselves in the foot.  The PDs want to anger you, make you fearful, force an error in front of the Judge, or T, or on tape, or in e mail or by text.... any error will be exploited to the fullest, and they'll allege many outbursts similar to it,  so stay very very calm, and child focused. 

Document like crazy.  Say what you mean BUT SAY IT WITHOUT coming unhinged.  Go ahead and state facts, if it seems helpful, about what your PD is doing, esp if you can back it up with evidence. 

 good luck, and let us know when you're making appointments with the T for the evaluations.
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
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lifeline

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #22 on: October 04, 2018, 03:28:15 PM »
About the child custody evaluation.

Thank you very much, I'll probably read this a thousand times over as I go into and through this.

We are back in the courtroom middle of next week and we will get an order in for the evaluation and schedule trial.

I bought the lock and hardware for my closet door.
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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redfish

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #23 on: October 05, 2018, 07:17:11 AM »
About the child custody evaluation.

Thank you very much, I'll probably read this a thousand times over as I go into and through this.

We are back in the courtroom middle of next week and we will get an order in for the evaluation and schedule trial.

I bought the lock and hardware for my closet door.
I haven't been on here as much lately- haven't had time. So I didn't realize you had so much going on. I'm so so so sorry things have gotten this intense for you and your little ones. I think what hhaw had to add is very helpful and it sounds like you have time to mentally and emotionally prepare. I'll be praying for just the right evaluator for you guys and be sending love and positivity your way (((hugs)))
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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lifeline

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #24 on: October 09, 2018, 10:51:59 AM »
Thank you Redfish.

They have me so stressed.  On an emotional or intangible level I am like don't let them get to you...  But the gf is late every day which in turn makes me late to work.  I had a trend of being late to work for years because I relied on him... and we're back to that.  The whole thing feels like sabotage.

I feel sabotaged.
It's not fair.
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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athene1399

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #25 on: October 10, 2018, 04:49:23 PM »
Quote
don't let the PD bait you into any outbursts
When my SO was in court the last time over custody, BM called him names the entire time and he just sat there not acknowledging her. It probably can be difficult to do, but looks good to the judge if you ignore you ex while they are trying to bait you into a response. Just try to zone your ex out if it happens. Don't let him get to you.

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lifeline

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #26 on: October 15, 2018, 11:41:48 AM »
Mid November we go see the court social worker.  This apparently isn't a custodial evaluation, it's a "family first assessment"  Still not quite sure what that means.

They will subpoena all the school records and my sons ASD records.

We have a one hour pre-trial, and then three full (10-4:30) days of trial scheduled. 

I'm trying to get organized for all of this.
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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Whiteheron

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #27 on: October 15, 2018, 04:35:15 PM »
Trial?! :hug:
Hang in there. I've never heard of a family first assessment, I hope someone on here has.
Good luck to you!
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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hhaw

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #28 on: October 16, 2018, 03:24:21 PM »
If you get your records in order according to subject....

Medications
Pick ups and drop off issues
Safety issues
medical issues
e mails
recorded phone conversations, if allowed

I tried to cross reference everything, bc some documents were required in more than one file.

For court you need the original, without any marks, so you may need to white out something, and make a new copy... then have 2 copies... one for opposing counsel, and one for the court's file.

Court documents need to be filed and stamped to get them into the record, so you may have to pull some things at the file clerk's office.

Judge's hate it when people aren't communicating rationally about pick ups and drop offs, safety issues and medications, etc. 

If you can appear to be the parent putting the kiddo first, then back it up with documentation, you have a good chance of doing well in court, IME. 

The PDs threaten, and even make headway with their emotionally triggering lies.  The thing is, they can't fool everyone all the time, and they have an especially difficult time in the harsh light of the courtroom when they fail to back up those lies with facts, and documentation.

I also find they tend to fall apart, out in the open, when they can see things NOT going the way they thought they would.  Sometimes they snap at opposing counsel, and their own counsel.  SOMETIMES they snap at the Judge.

::nodding::..

Been there.  Seen it.  I had to watch from behind my fingers, then pull them down with much effort.  It was scary, and like watching a train wreck.

Just keep your cool.  Pull your files together.  Know where everything is, bc you don't know what you'll need until you're in the courtroom. 

Don't panic if your attorney is dismissive of something you feel is important.  Stay calm, and don't be surprised if your attorney looks at you wide eyed in the courtroom, and asks you to produce that document after all, bc it happens. 

Don't be snarky.  Be helpful, and Johhny on the spot with locating documents. 

As I said,  you need your document, and 2 copies typically, and you can save yourself some costs if you do that work yourself. 

Make sure you have the really important documents in several places, with many copies so you can always find at least one.

Don't allege things you can't prove is a good rule, IME.

Judges like things to make sense.   They like things to square up.  This is why we keep our stories paired down to easily digestible bites.... it's hard for people to understand a parent sacrificing their child to the Gods of hate and vengeance for no reason, or reasons that actually COST them all their money, and their child's wellbeing, kwim?

Judges can understand people cheating, lying, being jealous, saying terrible things in front of the kids, being spiteful for reasons they understand, but they don't often GET the whole PDs DO crazy things that will never ever ever make sense, so we do our best to form a reasonable story from the evidence we have, organize it, and present it with economy of motion in the courtroom, while keeping our faces calm, no matter what anyone says TO or about US, and we march on.

We alo treat every stupid, demoralizing question as an opportunity to educate.  We're helpful in demeanor.  We keep our voices level.  We speak slowly so we have time to think, and we maybe wear a bracelet to touch so we remind ourselves not to go rambling verbally down a PD rabbit hole trying to convince the Judge of something that's true.... bc it usually makes us look unstable. 

Keep your responses very short.  Give them them the burger, not the bun, or the condiments, and remember to have your theory of  your case SET in your mind, with all your documents to back up THAT version, bc that's the version you're going to stick with.

Alleging things we can't prove, esp crazy PD things, isn't usually helpful at all, IME.

So... again.... get your documents together. 

Decide what you can prove.

Pull together your case according to those documents, and outline it.  Organize according to your issues.  Some documents will go in more than one file.

CLEAN copes.  if you're going to highlight, use yellow highlighters... I think the really bright ones are best.

Don't ever mark on your clean copies or originals...

you're going to appear super helpful, esp to opposing counsel when they're questioning you.  You're going to be there to educate everyone in that courtroom, and speaking to them like they're young children will help you stay level, bc that's helpful,  IME. 

Good luck
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

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lifeline

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #29 on: December 06, 2018, 04:19:53 PM »
Tomorrow is pre-trial, first thing in the morning.

The county court social worker performed the "family first assessment"... She advises that we maintain the current 50/50 schedule and maybe attend some co-parenting classes together...  I don't know who she spoke to, but it definitely was not the kids.  Him and I and DD6s counselor is all I know.  DD6's Counselor advised this social worker that he and I would never be in a co-parenting program together nor would we participate in DD6s therapy TOGETHER because I'm a client of DV services... so it's prohibited...  That being said, WHY are these so called professionals completely overlooking the DV aspect of this?!!  Because the kids aren't direct victims?!

I'm beyond stressed. Beyond nervous.  My court appointed L called me asking if I would just agree to the 50/50 schedule because both the social worker and the kids L are going to advise we stick to that.  This morning I informed her no, I will not agree. 

I'm not sure why I'm even being asked to agree, I filed a counter petition for a reason...

The social worker pitched me the whole spiel about how the courts rarely award any parent just weekends anymore, it's not the modern way to co-parent, and ok that'd be fine if he were a regular co-parent, but he's NOT.

I did fire the girlfriend, not sure if I mentioned that.  My friends from work pitched in while we were all on reduced schedules and we each covered one of three days.  The reduced schedule was supposed to last until the end of the year.  I have things in motion for child care to be covered as of the end of the year... My employer put us back on full time three weeks early with no notice... I now have potentially NO child care until ... the end of the year.

Pile on the holidays, and yep, full blow panic mode...  :unsure:

It's temporary.
I'll get through it.
I've been through worse.
I can do this.  It's just really hard sometimes.
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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sevenyears

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #30 on: December 06, 2018, 05:39:54 PM »
Lifeline - it is a lot right now. but, you can do it. You have come so far already.

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Penny Lane

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #31 on: December 06, 2018, 08:49:38 PM »
Best of luck tomorrow, lifeline!

 :bighug:

Like sevenyears said, you can do this!

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Lighthousegirl

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #32 on: December 06, 2018, 11:21:45 PM »
Same  :yeahthat: :yourock:

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Whiteheron

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #33 on: December 07, 2018, 09:35:10 AM »
:hug:
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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anxiousmom

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #34 on: December 07, 2018, 11:03:22 AM »
Best of luck and thinking of you!

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lifeline

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #35 on: December 08, 2018, 10:45:51 AM »
Pre-trial...

I never stepped foot in the court room this time. Only the attorneys. Subpoenas were ordered.
Everyone is trying to push the 50/50 access. I stayed put and repeatedly said no.

I realistically expect the access schedule won't change. But there's some language in there that will make him accountable for transportation, and for not speaking negatively about me and my other kids to or around the little kids.
Most importantly his attorney requested to add this line: "Any violation of these terms is deemed a change of circumstance." Which will make it easy to change the schedule in the future. Idk if he thinks I'll violate because of what my ex has said about me or if he's just trying to avoid a repeat of this.

We are still going to trial. He gets to go first because he filed the first petition.

It's gonna get ugly. I know it is. My attorney says to focus on eliminating his negative talk about me and my other kids, and focus on the fact that I do everything important with the kids, docs evals schools etc etc.

I have witnesses who have heard my kids repeat the things their father says. And they're willing to testify. But he's got a brain washed gf that was taking mocked up photos in my house soooo...
« Last Edit: December 08, 2018, 10:51:46 AM by lifeline »
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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Penny Lane

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Re: Fighting defeat
« Reply #36 on: Yesterday at 02:48:13 PM »
 :bighug:

Sounds like you have a good attitude and reasonable expectations. Sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you can power through this stressful period and then get some much needed relaxation afterwards.