When the PD goes NC with you!

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KD5FUL

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When the PD goes NC with you!
« on: September 05, 2018, 06:57:22 PM »
I have been vlc with my NPDf for the last few months.  I have been trying to get to a point with him where NC wouldn't be necessary.

Of course, he insists on sweeping everything under the rug and just moving forward.  The problem with that is that while our problems have roots in the past, the bad behavior from him is very much in the present.

He apologized a few months ago for abusing me and ignoring me my entire life.  It was basically NOT an apology.  Anyone who has a PD in their life knows what I mean when I say that they apologize just to shut you up, so that they can continue with their PD antics.

How silly of me that I actually thought that his apology could be genuine.  I brought up that he had broken my arm when I was 11 by throwing me repeatedly. It came up because I am complaining about post partum exercises and not having the full range of motion in said arm.  Two of my sisters saw him break it.  He denied having done this and told me point blank that all of this is in my head.  That's when I knew that the apology wasn't real.

I was livid.  I asked him:  If it is all in my head, then HOW DID MY ARM BREAK?  He ignored the question and started a rant about how I want to be a victim and how he is so nice to me;  That he is never rude to me, doesn't call me names, etc.

I asked him if he wanted to hear himself say though things to me and worse.  I told him that I had been recording his conversations with me since May (after a phone call in which he said he would begin recording me).  I also told him that I had shared those conversations with my sister, who has since gone NC with him (though he didn't know why until that moment)

He said that I was a liar, that I didn't have any recordings of him being abusive to me.  I responded that I would send them to him via facebook messenger.

To this he told me to leave him alone and he hung up on me.

I did send him the recorded conversations to facebook messenger along with a message asking him if that sounded like  a normal way for a loving father to speak to his daughter.  I also asked him again, how my arm broke, since he denies breaking it.

He didn't respond.  He blocked me on Facebook, and removed himself from a chat group that I am in with other family members, and he removed me from another chat group that I had been added to years ago but have never posted in.  He also blocked me on his Iphone.


I have mixed feelings about this.  On one hand, I feel relieved that I no longer feel guilt, that I need to resolve things with him since he has made that impossible.

On the other hand I feel as though if anyone should have done any blocking, I should have blocked HIM. 


Sometimes I feel as though I am jealous of people who have engulfing Narc parents....it would be so nice if he would even TRY to be a part of my life.  Other times, I read the posts of people with engulfing Narc Parents and I feel so lucky that my NPDf is the ignoring kind. 

Please, share your stories of your PD parents going NC with you.  I don't want to feel like I'm the only one going through this.  Also, please share how you have overcome the feelings of worthlessness that you aren't even worth their time to try to reconcile with you.

לפום צערא אגרא

A victim of abuse who suffers in silence will suffer the most.

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Starboard Song

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Re: When the PD goes NC with you!
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2018, 07:09:10 PM »
My wife's parents went NC with us. They had a special version though. In their version, they would have no contact with me or my lovely wife, but would continue to visit with my son, taking him out of town and having him over for weekends.

We even went along with that. For four to six months, depending on how you count, he would go over and stay with them, watch a movie, or go bowling. All while they expressly wanted no relationship with either of us.

When they simply could not stop abusing us in print, and when they affirmed expressly once again that their only goal was to put us behind them, we had to call a stop to everything. We had to inform them that our family was a unit, and they would get all or nothing. It was only then that the howling began.

It has been three years, and they show no moral comprehension at all. I don't suspect we will ever have real contact again.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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all4peace

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Re: When the PD goes NC with you!
« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2018, 07:14:19 PM »
My N parents have nearly totally "dumped" me also.

I understand the bewilderment of being discarded by someone who has abused you. It doesn't feel just or fair. I'd take it for the precious gift it is, and acknowledge that life is weird and unfair at times, but that you now have blessed silence from a horribly abusive, gaslighting, unloving person who happens to be your F.

Take that precious space and quiet and continue your healing journey without his interference. I am so very sorry for what a hateful and out-of-control parent you had as a child, and the fact that he didn't grow into a better man.

My parents and ILs preferred SS's version also--NC with us, and continued contact with our kids (or only our DD in the case of the ILs).

I have stalking, engulfing ILs who live next door.
I have ignoring, discarding parents who live further away.

I'd take being ignored any day of the week. Once you work through the pain, your life is yours.
With the engulfing kind, there is ALWAYS something to figure out/decide/react to/ignore. Always. It never stops.

I know the pain of both, and they're both valid and real. But you asked our opinion and here's mine. Without my parents, my life is clean and beautiful.

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truthseeker4life

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Re: When the PD goes NC with you!
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2018, 12:49:10 AM »
Hi kd5ful

My pd mom went NC with me almost 2 years ago.

She was verbally abusive and I finally stood up for myself. Yea me.

Except I have been tossed away like garbage ever since. My younger sister moved closer to my mom so she has no use for me any way.

She lives 5 miles away and nothing for 2 years.

I think how can a mom treat their child like this? I have 2 of my own and would try my darnest to reconcile with then if I had a rift. But no.

To say I feel discarded and worthless is an understatement.

I get you! You are not alone.

Seriously for me it has been time. The pain has lessened but when I see her (rarely and only at extended family functions) I lose it afterwards. Not a word spoken between us. Perhaps a fake hello between us. Strangers are friendlier toward each other.

But my recovery time has lessened afterwards. I can tell slowly I am healing.

Journaling, going to aca, prayer has all helped a bit. Saying nice things to myself when i hear the you are worthless garbage rant helps too.

Hugs to u - it is difficult when you are more emotionally mature than your parent(s) and I am guessing we almost all are this way on this forum.

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40andfab

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Re: When the PD goes NC with you!
« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2018, 03:49:47 AM »
KD5FUL,

You aren't alone by any means. It hurts deeply to be discarded by your parents. It is a rejection by the people who are supposed to love you the most in the world.  My uBPDm discarded me in royal PD fashion. She went from raging phone call to icy cold email that basically trampled all over my feelings, mocked me and in the process, let me know she was never contacting me again. EVER.

The thing is. It's not you. This was the hardest part for me to hurdle over but once you really deep down get that the only thing you did was hold up a mirror to his bad behavior, prove that he did say the things he said, he couldn't take it. The preservation of his false self is more important than you (or anyone).

He would rather lose a daughter than see his mistakes and admit them and heal.

How sad for him. But it is not your fault.  At all. By any means.

The beauty of a discarding parent is that they leave you alone,  at least for a while,  and let you get some time and space and with that comes perspective.

In my case, the pain of the rejection from my uBPDm doesn't come up very often anymore.  Weekly therapy, aca and keeping a healthy friendship life have helped me move forward. Time will help to heal and you will be okay.

Just know you aren't alone and we are all here for you. This journey can be so lonely and strange,  but this forum can help when no one in your life understands what you are going through.

Peace to you today. Let us know how you are doing.
"The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance" Nathaniel Branden

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BentNotBroken

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Re: When the PD goes NC with you!
« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2018, 07:06:22 PM »
The biggest thing you can do to a narc is call them out on their abuse.  Corner a narc and you will pay. You're paying by him eliminating you. He knows hes caught, he knows you have evidence of the self he doesnt show others. You are a huge threat to him. By him blocking you it allows him to do damage control and save face as best as he can because he knows you will provoke a response from him.

When I called out my mom she accused me of picking her apart. She flipped the script then gave me the silent treatment. Whenever I called her out on a lie she would flip the script to be the victim or change the subject completely in order to not deal with herself and her behaviours.

It gives me a righteous stance in my anger and reasoning but I still miss the good parts of her. In fact I was thinking about calling her until I read this post and remembered how impossible it is to be around people who cant be accountable.

In my sorting since getting the silent treatment I've come to understand that it is out of my control. Let go and let live. Ride the emotional roller coaster that comes with grief and loss and just allow the healing process to process. Most importantly is to look at the silent treatment, however long it lasts, as an opportunity to figure out who you are without them. Self reliance is a pretty amazing thing after the storms. Also remembering through previous losses that it gets better with time keeps me hopeful.

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Pepin

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Re: When the PD goes NC with you!
« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2018, 08:24:48 PM »
Been in the same boat as well but I feel that NF "discarded" me.  Back in '96 my beloved Aunt passed away and I was very upset.  Her death came as a surprise even though she had been on the decline.  None of her family had reached out to us until she died.  NF was livid of course...because even though he treated them like garbage, he still felt that they were family.  He literally hated my Mother's entire side of the family.  This Aunt was one that I had so many questions to ask about my late Mother and I didn't have the chance to ask...and she was gone.

I cried a lot.  I was just devastated.  NF blew up at me one day after the funeral and told me I needed to pack my stuff and get out. 

I packed my stuff.  And when the opportunity was right a few months later, I left.

I was told that I was never allowed to return home for not telling him that I was leaving.  In actuality, I was following his orders...

We didn't speak for 4 years though he hired a private detective to follow me and take pictures.  I will never forgive myself for allowing him back into my life.  It was a stupid mistake.  He was retiring and was being thrown a big party and I was coaxed to attend.  There was no apology from him.

Several years later, I went NC with him and that was 10 years ago.  He has continued to be a pain in the *ss trying to break NC but it has not worked.  NC until he expires which I hope is soon...he is 87 and has been on this earth long enough.
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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Orthocone

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Re: When the PD goes NC with you!
« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2018, 09:05:03 PM »
My PD mom discarded me last summer after I refused to drop everything and make an 800-mile roadtrip for her, after telling her multiple times that I wouldn't make it.  Honestly after everything I'd been through with her at that point, I was okay with that and just wanted to be left alone.  But the hoovering started a month later.  She emailed me telling me I could call her if I wish (I'd changed my phone number).   ::)  I ignored that, and another email saying she wants to verify that I'm "okay". 

She started badgering my brother, whom she'd discarded months before and whom was NC with her and going through a very hard time, about information about me.  He and I got in a fight over the phone after I plain told him we both need to stick with NC with her and not to respond to her crap just like I was doing.  I finally emailed her back never to contact me again nor to contact my brother about me.  She responded asking me why I hate her so much.   :roll:  I ignored it.

A great-aunt and an uncle played flying monkey for her, so I suppose that was how she was hoping to get an ear into my life but I knew what they were up to and just waited for them to out themselves as flying monkeys while telling them close to nothing, which both eventually did.  Uncle sent me an email saying he sent my mother the picture I'd sent him of a place out in nature where I go.  Great-aunt insisted on quoting word for word what my mother had said to her about me, after I told her I don't want to hear about it.  Then accused me of expecting her to cut off her niece (my mother).   :stars:  That was when I let myself realize she was cray-cray or really trying to play some agenda and I didn't care what it was.  It was a hassle but I finally managed to block them all through email. 
« Last Edit: September 06, 2018, 09:38:52 PM by Orthocone »

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UsedUp

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Re: When the PD goes NC with you!
« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2018, 03:43:00 AM »
When I first went NC, I didn't confront them or anything. Just slipped away. Had been LC for years. I'm the scapegoat with a GC sibling.

They hounded me, tracked me down like a wild animal, and smeared me to the entire extended family. And GC sibling contacted everyone I've known since grade school via social media. 

Finally, after closing a small business because they "found" me and kept showing up, almost sending me to the ER with panic and anxiety, I contacted a distant relative.

Not sure why, but I did. This person was in fast with GC sibling and I'm sure had heard all their crap about me. I told her, basically, the truth, and that if she wanted to let my sibling know, that I didn't care.

Apparently,  she did. Probably forwarded my email to her to my sibling.  That was the first time I really spoke up and stood up for myself, knowing it was going to be sent straight to them.

Worked like a charm. No attempts to try to contact me, no driving by my house.. nothing. Crickets.

And it's been getting better ever since. Sometimes it's a blessing, because they were relentless.  Kinda like the old Terminator movie. Just will not stop.