Advice about letter to NPDm

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Twinkletoes88

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Advice about letter to NPDm
« on: September 09, 2018, 12:27:49 PM »
I found myself ďdraftingĒ a letter to my NPDm last night which I may or may not end up sending one day.

I wonít give my back story here as Iíve posted so much recently but Iím after some advice.

The letter says that I donít think I can handle seeing her anymore because things are far too awkward, uncomfortable and empty and that every time I see her she has nothing to say to me, doesnít acknowledge my family (husband and stepchildren) and the lack of connection is painfully obvious. It tells her that the boundaries I set 5 months ago around not drinking with her remain and always will do and that if she canít see me in the healthy ways I request, then that is her choice/problem.

The thing is, Iíve confused myself over this letter because whilst I feel I may want ro send this letter if our next interaction is as awful as our last, I donít want her to take it as a starting point of a n argument or a ďletís meet up alone and sort this outĒ because there is nothing to sort out.

The letter says that itís painfully obvious she is not happy for me and that is not normal for a mother and it is not acceptable for me to have to turn the other cheek. I donít want to do that.

I wasnít sure if I was allowed to paste my letter here or not so havenít done so, but can do if thatís allowed.

Any advice or tips?

Thanks everyone.

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Starboard Song

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Re: Advice about letter to NPDm
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2018, 12:45:02 PM »
If you may ever send this letter, it would be better not to post it here. This is a searchable site and it could jeopardize your privacy.

I always want to call or write to my in-laws. I want to explain myself and vindicate our NC decision. But I have restrained myself except on two occasions.

I called when they were attempting to enlist a flying monkey, to remind them that they could call me, and that it was the only appropriate way to engage my family. I called again when they showed up a few weeks later at my son's public karate demonstration when I could not be there for my family.

I figure, you should explain yourself with kind clarity. Once. After that, we are only inviting argument, or feeding the N.

If you feel a strangling need to explain yourself, though , and if you aren't fully NC anyway, and if you can do so safely: I would say "let her rip!" But be careful to communicate with extreme care and respect. Personally, I will no longer put anything in writing, because I want nothing else in the dossier they are establishing against me.

Whatever you decide to do, If you communicate with great care, like your grandmother and a preacher are listening, you won't be wrong.

Good luck!
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
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Fightsong

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Re: Advice about letter to NPDm
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2018, 04:57:57 PM »
A letter can offer the chance of a voice where no other chance exists. You can be clear, you can say what you need without being walked out on , derailed, gaslighted,confused , guilted or descending into a gibbering wreck. Iíd say think really well about what you hope to achieve by sending it. And what you hope she will do with it. And make sure that you can hand on heart know it isnít in any way Ď a nasty letterí.  People with a PD are pretty likely to interpret or report  letters like this as nasty, blamey,abusive, even if they arenít- because the challenge makes them feel attacked.  So if you send be sure you are clear in your own mind that it really isnít. On a practical note, keep a copy.

And coyote once said to me, if you are hoping by sending it ,for change- then you are very likely to be disappointed.   You might be  hoping for that on some level. I donít know.

And if you arenít sure maybe you can get some relief from an unsent letter or 10? 

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Twinkletoes88

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Re: Advice about letter to NPDm
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2018, 04:55:51 AM »
Thank you all for your advice.

It seems the main thing is for me to figure out what the point in sending it actually is.

The letter doesnít say Iím cutting contact but as I donít want to open a debate itís a bit confusing.... 

I clearly need to think on it and play around with it for a while. Thereís no rush I guess.

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Fightsong

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Re: Advice about letter to NPDm
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2018, 05:36:31 AM »
No , thereís no rush at all.

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makarios_tonikos

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Re: Advice about letter to NPDm
« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2018, 01:20:39 AM »
I've looked into "anti-closure" letters. In general, it helps to write things down (especially in the course of self-love therapy or conditioning against overthought) but the efficacy of "unsent" letters to PD family depends on the specific OOTFer and the specific PD.

For me (personally), it's a hopeless case because I know exactly how my PDM would see it: Game resumed. OoOoh, I'm getting attention. Delicious! The valid indictments against her would still be construed for her professional victim-hood ("You continue to have so much negativity against me!") and if any of the wrongs were addressed, she would bend the narrative to her favor. For instance, after I graduated from high school, she continued to control my life and caused me to lose my life savings at the time, nearly leaving me on the street. Her opinion on the matter remained unchanged even in the final days of contact ("But that was such a GREAT experience for you! You got to roam free and explore the world! And when you nearly got mugged, dear, that was your fault because those young men saw YOU as a threat with your looks and privilege! ")

So, yeah, uh, no ... a letter wouldn't work in the above case. And FWIW, the COUNTLESS other people my PDM used, abused and provoked also never sent her any closure letters.

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Gaining Clarity

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Re: Advice about letter to NPDm
« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2018, 12:55:47 PM »
Twinkletoes, I agree with all the advice here.

I was NC and made the mistake of breaking it when unBDm showed up at my doorstep. You can read what happened in this forum under the post: Would you go to family therapy w/your Narc M and sibs?

I hope you find closure.