She called for sons bday

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BentNotBroken

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She called for sons bday
« on: September 10, 2018, 02:41:59 PM »
I had to see where her head was at so I sent a thank you for calling and we chatted a bit. I asked if we could clear the air. She accepted.

Long story short I'm NC with both my sibs. She chose their side and meddled. I explained it caused more hurt instead of helping and asked that she and I not discuss them and just let these issues have their natural time and processing for possible resolution in the future. It wasnt respected what I asked and honestly caused more problems than solutions. I get it's hard for a mother to see her children upset. What I dont get are the many conflicts of interest:
-she bad mouthed them to me when they displeased her
-she would say all she wants is unity yet when I give in she creates a drama so I wont come
-she blatantly chose sides and refused to validate my very simple explanations
-she repeatedly asked me to fix things even when she saw I was the only trying

Family to her is no questions just respect and love and not to pick others apart aka call people out on their bullshit. I act accordingly, I'm easy to forgive so if their response to my attempts were in favour of us getting back on track, you bet I'll be there. When I'm met with ignoring my calls and straight up shady behaviors I handle it by accepting it and moving on. The very advice she gave to me about a friend behaving this way.

I got told that she is spreading lies about me. Telling people she sent gifts for my kids and I sent them back. In a subtle way I asked if she knew my address and she said no. Kinda hard to return gifts that weren't mailed to me. That irked me because the ones shes telling these lies to are telling my best friend, who's on my side anyways, that I'm a terrible person and daughter. Idk why I care so much, they aren't my friends or have any influence over my life. Maybe it's because shes always chose them over me (they are her deceased best friends kids). Radical acceptance. Ggggrrrrrr tho!

We were going in circles of me asking why me and my family weren't good enough to see her on her own, why it has to be all or nothing, why she cant treat us as individuals with our own limitations, etc etc. In the end she said that's all she is capable of offering so I have to respect that, sadly. I wished her all the best, said I loved her and told her if she ever needed me I'd be there. Hung up and here I am. I'm just curious why I'm the only one on the outs when all 3 of us are behaving the exact same way...it doesnt make sense.

Theres no strong emotions going on right now, it was a last ditch effort to have each other in our lives. I meant it all but even tho I didnt get what I wanted out of it there is a strong sense of relief that I honestly tried. Her idea of trying is giving in to what she wants/needs. My idea is putting my best self a priority so I can be my best for my family. Even when I explained family functions cause me so much turmoil and it leaks out towards my family, she still couldnt see how much of what shes demanding is hurting me. Thanks for letting me vent and process with you guys.

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all4peace

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Re: She called for sons bday
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2018, 11:16:42 PM »
I'm sorry for what you're facing in your family. It doesn't sound fair, and I think that's often the case in PD families. In my FOO, 3 out of 4 of us have confronted M about her lying and disrespect. She has reacted differently with each one of us depending on status, what we can offer her, and whatever else is going on in her head. I think this might be a situation in which a person has to be true to themselves, regardless of how that is seen by a PD parent. This is hard stuff to cope with. Some on this forum refer to it as "dropping the rope," which is stopping being a part of the games that your M is playing. I'm so glad you have relief and you sound like you're ready for a great life!

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BentNotBroken

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Re: She called for sons bday
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2018, 08:43:33 PM »
Thanks all4, its def sad and frustrating but these years of coming oof have helped me to hope for the best but expect the worst. If she only knew how much I would let slide for some measly breadcrumbs sent my way, I'm sure she would be singing a dif tune. Or not, who knows. A cousin I talk to, who's my moms age, can't believe how unfair and spoiled rotten she's behaving and told me to treat my mom like a naughty child who needs consequences from now on.

When she asked if she should call on holidays, I responsed with a no, that I wouldn't tolerate ins and outs in mine and my children's lives. It's like it clicked that she was making this huge decision (threat), in hopes of me surrendering, but realizing I wasn't going to and she faltered a little. Said she'd like to think about things. I said that's fine but for now until those things are concrete to leave us alone. Now she has to sit and deal with what she's done and I pray to god she realizes that she could of had a great friend in me, an ally, a daughter...

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sayso

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Re: She called for sons bday
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2018, 02:00:08 PM »
So sorry to read this. We all want a loving mother but sometimes this is not possible.
Many best wishes.