Why do PDs return to their target after a long period?

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boots40

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Why do PDs return to their target after a long period?
« on: September 16, 2018, 04:13:59 PM »
Something I have noticed of late, from both online stories to real life observations, is that it is fairly common for a PD to show up or attempt contact after months and years of NC.

This has recently happened to me.  After being NC for 3 years and VLC for 15, my uPD SIL is pulling out all the stops to try and get back in touch with me, wanting to let bygones be bygones and is being fairly persistent, and very very charming. (She is mainly doing this via my H who is still in contact).  Considering I have barely had a civil word from her in 25 years, and I have been smeared as the worst person in the world, surely she she would be relieved that I am staying out of her way  :roll:.

My daughter recently started Uni and one of her flatmates turned out to be somewhat of a sociopath and a bully.  After turning everyone in the flat against her through whispering campaigns, she finally sent her an abusive message basically saying she is a horrible person and nobody likes her.  My daughter ignored her and moved out of the flat into a house with some good friends and put the whole thing behind her.  Over the summer sociopath girl tried to contact my daughter to forgive and forget and lets be friends.  She then began to send her abusive messages listing her faults.  My daughter's response was '...if I am such a terrible person why does she keep trying to get in touch with me??'.  She had also harvested information from her FB page which seemed weird as she had previously said 'I'M DONE!' Daughter blocked her and moved on.

My own theories;
boredom - nobody around to pick on
fear - something in their life is upsetting them and they need to self-sooth by bullying others
testing - curiosity as to whether the target is still available if needed
jealousy - has spotted something positive in targets life and wants to spoil the moment

Anyone else got any ideas.  Generally speaking if I don't like someone I tend to stay out of their way and don't attempt to contact them out of the blue... :o
testing - curious
« Last Edit: September 16, 2018, 04:16:24 PM by boots40 »
"What you say about me isn't nearly as bad as what I know about you"

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NoVoice357

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Re: Why do PDs return to their target after a long period?
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2018, 05:32:38 PM »
Hello Boots, :wave:

It is not unusual to be contacted by people with an NPD after a long time - several years or decades. The main reason is narcissistic supply.
The following article by HG Tudor explains why they keep coming back:

Back for more
https://narcsite.com/2017/10/07/back-for-more-6/

Hope this helps.

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StayWithMe

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Re: Why do PDs return to their target after a long period?
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2018, 05:44:04 PM »
To see if they're missing anything.

Do you have any new friends worth meeting and leading away.

Any other contacts. 

I have finally learned when people say, let's get together; I say, "Great what do you suggest?"

I'm not going to take them around my friends until they do something for me.

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bruceli

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Re: Why do PDs return to their target after a long period?
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2018, 11:04:03 PM »
Because eventually all the fires they have set, completely burn all the bridges which makes it imposible for anyone to visit so they have to travel father and farther back, but eventually there will be no one left. This is the case with PD mom. PDso is getting close now too.
One will never fulfill their destiny or truly be free, until they can let go of the illusion of control.

Fair doesn't mean equal.

They could see me walk on water, and they would say it is because I can not swim.

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maybeimthecrazyone

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Re: Why do PDs return to their target after a long period?
« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2018, 01:41:01 AM »
Mine left me but continues to keep contact. Theres a large part of me that distrusts the exchange. If she misses me, is it because she had to pay rent  on her own place and the miserable feeling of loss is incorrectly expressed as missing me instead of my benefit? Maybe shes stalking my social media and jealousy is aroused and is contacting me to keep me on the hook? These thoughts must come from somewhere, not some madness or paranoia, because if she was nice in the relationship, not jealous, self centered, etc, these thoughts wouldnt sound truly ridiculous to me but they dont.

So yes, your theories ring true to me!

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tommom

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Re: Why do PDs return to their target after a long period?
« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2018, 07:14:23 PM »
Wow, Boots, and intersting list. I haven't read about people using bullying to self-soothe but I have always believed that my uPDh does that. He just seems to use abuse when he is really down. I assumed the abuse was to avoid the blame of his mistakes, etc. at first but then he seems (as did m y PDm) to, in some way, feel better after doing it. Really interesting thought. 
"It is not my job to fix other people; everyone is on their own journey."

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moglow

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Re: Why do PDs return to their target after a long period?
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2018, 04:56:34 PM »
My experience with mother has been cyclical and very possibly a lack of object constancy as much as anything else. She used to have a circle of sorts - she'd go on and on about *this one person* for a while, then that person disappeared and was seemingly replaced by another (while she badmouths and gossips about the first), only to then move on to a third. Eventually she'd be "friends" with the first person again, summarily discarding the others.

While she had the one friend, she never mentioned others in a positive way, but made it clear they were "less than" in her view. She also continually parroted the opinions and choices of her friend, as if she and they were interchangeable. If there were a difference of opinion or that third person entered the picture, everything changed in an instant to reflect the new person.
Boredom is also a very real possibility - the manic stirring of "problems" or drama, seemingly for no purpose? Oh yeah. Very familiar.
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all4peace

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Re: Why do PDs return to their target after a long period?
« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2018, 05:12:13 PM »
We're experiencing this with PD ILs.

Dh's theory is that whenever we are visible, we're back on their radar. I've nearly entirely shut down social media, blocked almost all of them, but we sometimes share public space and bdays, anniversaries and holidays/trips have always triggered uNBPDmil anyway.

My theory is that it's a scab they just have to pick, a lost source of N supply, other people possibly ask about us and get the energy flowing again, and power/control. My guess is that like many things in life it's not just one thing, but many.

I'm sorry for both you and your DD needing to face these toxic people.