Fixation with making you fear them

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eternallystuck

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Fixation with making you fear them
« on: September 16, 2018, 06:49:44 PM »
Recently I stumbled across a message my NPD m sent to somebody discussing me

In it she said **There's no intimidating that lil b*tch (me)**

 Doesn't it speak volumes.  She immediately stooped to her default of immaturity and aggression and revealed her intentions towards me. There was no mention in that convo of her being sad about the sorry state of our relationship, of wanting to mend things and communicate better..or any regret on her part about how we got here. Yet she sees no issue with that!

No instead she wants to 'conquer' me  :stars: and I've said this all my life & only people here seem to really get it..she has been trying to grind me to nothing for years in revenge for confronting who she really is. I am not the 1st to notice it either, she hasn't fooled everyone. I genuinely think she won't be happy until i've lost it & I'm carted off into a mental hospital from the abuse...& I've been resisting that from happening for 2 decades now..& she despises me for it. You can even hear it in the tone she speaks of me, she resents and despises my resistance, my character, my truth. Shes seen me in very fragile sick and vulnerable states & I still won't play into her little power dynamic. I know more than anything she would love to see me sink on that ship so she can finally convince people I'm a cuckoo nest that had her all wrong. I'm never going to approve of who she is as a human & her treatment of me & thus we are never going to have a relationship. The idea of a loving supportive foo is completely lost on her.


The trouble with a high functioning N like my M is their blood thirsty OBSESSION with control. Not love, not winning you over, but having you obedient, silenced & under their foot. Normal mothers do not view their offspring in this way, if they and their offspring are colliding- they hurt and want to apologise, listen and resolve.. yet she is adamant she is just a 'strict M' that has done me the world of good in the long run....that I will even THANK her one day :upsidedown:. This was never about disciplining some unruly child, this was about her running away from her own demons & rejecting me for holding a mirror to her face & speaking my truth.

Its funny because although I am an enduring character, I have always been evidently unnerved and in fear of that woman. Since I was small I have been trying to get a grip on who she is from one day to the next or what kind of mood she is in or how far she will go this time. She has had a lot of control over my life & relationships to other foo members. It is scary to me that she completely blazes over that & still feels there's more 'intimidation' to be done. With a severely disordered individual like her, you can never be quite sure you're over the worst of it. They will never accept your reality, your truth & so I've given up on trying.


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Findingmyvoice

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Re: Fixation with making you fear them
« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2018, 03:38:33 PM »
wow.
I can't believe that someone would put something like that in writing.
What kid of people does she associate with that would tolerate comments like that?

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11JB68

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Re: Fixation with making you fear them
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2018, 05:19:27 PM »
My uPDh brags about being able to  'make people cry', and always thinks he can and should 'fix' others

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Whiteheron

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Re: Fixation with making you fear them
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2018, 05:23:00 PM »
 :yeahthat:

stbx does this to his employees at work then brags about how they had a heart to heart and resolved their differences.  :blink:

You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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eternallystuck

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Re: Fixation with making you fear them
« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2018, 09:45:38 PM »
findingmyvoice its funny you say that, I thought the exact same thing.  I'm a grown adult, why does she need to 'intimidate' me. I've often found they're either  secretly unnerved by what she says & just let her harp on till she shuts up, or they're buying all her bs & cheerleading her on about what an awful daughter I must be, without ever speaking to me in person to verify what she is saying is true.

my mother doesnt have many friends but the few she has are very dubious. One is incredibly bitter/catty- M always moans about her being 'toxic' but still remains friends & puts on her best nice phone voice...hmmm I wonder why. Clearly they share something in common!

Another is incredibly childlike, hasn't held a job all her own life & is quite N and needs 'rescuing' often.

However there is 1 that I think sees through her more than she lets on- she doesn't visit very much at all & appears a lot calmer & aware M is somewhat unhinged. My M also appears uncomfortable when I speak to her & we seem to be getting on. Don't want me letting the cat out the bag do we!


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Wilderhearts

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Re: Fixation with making you fear them
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2018, 01:42:56 AM »
Wow.  Your M must be absolutely terrified of you!  It sounds like she has tried desperately to break you again and again, and has failed, again and again, meaning you've proven you're much, much stronger than she is.  Probably in ways that she can't comprehend, if you're not fighting abuse with abuse.

The last "PD explosion of abuse" I experienced peaked when uOCPD physically lunged at me with her fists up, crying at me that I was intimidating her *as she (tried) to physically intimidate me.*  You know what had happened?  I had named all of the psychological abuse tactics she was using as she was using them and it made her powerless (would not recommended though - clearly it escalated the situation and could've been dangerous for me).  That told me that PDs are very intimidated and terrified of people who aren't destroyed by the PD's abuse and rage.  Because it's all the PD  really has.

When PDs can't have power over others, they feel absolutely powerless, which makes them crave power over us even more.    They see a strong person, and think, if I can dominate that person, make them fear me, that means I'm stronger than I think they are.  We're like a level in a game for them to defeat so they can think better of themselves.  At least that's what I figure.

I'm so sorry that you have a malicious PDm instead of an M who admires you for being so strong, intelligent and courageous.  I think it's very reasonable to need to mourn having a PD parent and the loss of what would otherwise have been a nurturing relationship.  I mourned the death of my uPDf, but I know my mother still has so much mourning to do about the life we never got to have because of his behaviour that she can't mourn his death, and that's fair too.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Fixation with making you fear them
« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2018, 05:12:24 PM »
What a sick game they play.  They want to feel like the heroes do first they create their own victim to save.  My expdh used to make me break down in tears from exhaustion of a circular conversation.   Only once he got that would he then try to console me and lift me back up.  Now I'm thinking he was just manipulating me back on his good side so I would keep doing for him.    Horrible abuse!

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tommom

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Re: Fixation with making you fear them
« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2018, 04:22:20 AM »
Eternallystuck, I'm really sorry that this has happened. My M could be so vicious, really, too. But I read something a couple of years ago that at least helped me understand why she did it, and although at the time  I was trying to figure her out, it really helped me to see who she was - and who I wasn't. (She is now dead - as I like to say, the ultimate NC.) . I was researching my M and our relationship, who I firmly believe had bpd. It explained that the parent with bpd has difficulty seperating from their child, especially, because person with bpd has no internal self. When the child expresses any form of autonomy then they feel abandoned(and this may be PD parents in general). The feelings of abandonment bring on fears, etc. and in PD fashion, they can lash out inappropriately and abusively. It seemed so true to me because I saw, not only with me, but with her grandchildren as well, when they began to have their own thoughts, etc. she wanted to SQUASH that. The "squashing" took the form of real verbal and emotional abuse if their autonomy continued. It was very odd to me (not at the time she did it to me, of course, but with her grandkids) It seemed an extreme sort of reaction.

Wish I could remember where I read that - "The Borderline Mother" by Lawson, maybe?

Here's a quote from borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com.

"These fears of abandonment are usually related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Because they desperately want to avoid being alone, people with BPD quickly latch onto new people and idealize them, making them the center of their lives." Maybe why she would say to others what she has.

"At the first sign they see as abandonment, these feelings will turn to hatred and distrust. If someone has to go out of town for work or decides to spend time with other friends, the person with Borderline Personality Disorder will become convinced that the other person no longer cares about them. Impulsive, self-destructive behavior is often a response to anxiety related to their fear of being left alone."

For my mom, the bullying and abusive tactics were vicious and in the extreme. It included small things any kid would do - like me choosing my own clothes, not wearing my hair like she liked, small things that any child or teenager wants. She saw me as an extension of herself she attacked me viciously for deviating from "being" like her (which I most certainly was NOT! - So, so, so far from it! ).

"It is not my job to fix other people; everyone is on their own journey."

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11JB68

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Re: Fixation with making you fear them
« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2018, 05:24:09 PM »
Tommom and others...
As I am coming OOTF and learning more I find it fascinating the similarities AND differences between the different PDs.
e.g. - your quotes above:
"These fears of abandonment are usually related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Because they desperately want to avoid being alone, people with BPD quickly latch onto new people and idealize them, making them the center of their lives." Maybe why she would say to others what she has.
(if I take out the end of that - fits uOCPDh to a T. YET, he is more of an introvert and doesn't really latch onto new people, but the very few people he has taken to heart he needs to keep in his line of sight and under his control. As I've read about 'object permanence' or lack thereof, I feel it explains a lot...)
"At the first sign they see as abandonment, these feelings will turn to hatred and distrust. If someone has to go out of town for work or decides to spend time with other friends, the person with Borderline Personality Disorder will become convinced that the other person no longer cares about them. Impulsive, self-destructive behavior is often a response to anxiety related to their fear of being left alone."
(Again, the impulsive/self-destructive stuff is not so common to OCPD...but the feelings of abandonment and the black/white thinking and demonization is for sure...MY uOCPDh tends to turn it outward towards me...and/or just gets sad/lonely/depressed, but lashes out at me verbally for abandoning him...

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20yrsofcrazy

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Re: Fixation with making you fear them
« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2018, 01:44:37 AM »
My uPDh brags about being able to  'make people cry', and always thinks he can and should 'fix' others

:yeahthat:

stbx does this to his employees at work then brags about how they had a heart to heart and resolved their differences.  :blink:



I could have written both of these comments.   I can now look back at times when he would break me down, and then hold me while i cried about how awful I was.   :stars:

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thunderstruck1

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Re: Fixation with making you fear them
« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2018, 05:23:22 AM »
My BPD brother does this often. He seems to delight in making others fear him, making threats and trying to intimidate people. He does it so dramatically, though, that he comes across kind of ridiculous sometimes (sorry, I literally just finished having an argument with him about exactly this). I'm sorry you're having to deal with it too.