Back after a while NC question

[openskyblue]

I've learned the hard way!  My ex consistently does things that are counter to his own well being just to say no and/or hurt me -- or just because.

[mrstring]

I've learned the hard way!  My ex consistently does things that are counter to his own well being just to say no and/or hurt me -- or just because.

Yes, if she gives me a hard time I may have to get the law involved. Saying she can drive and even have the car but has to accept title.
Easy to type on a forum, very hard for me to do.

Plus I don't want it to effect my current relationship. She knows the situation but it's that one last thread.

[mrstring]

Hello. Ok, I am now putting my plan into play. In the last two weeks in the mail I received a $400 handicap parking ticket and a few days later she got into an accident, which she is still not calling the claims agent back. This may not be the best way but it is what I am most comfortable with.

First let me say that both dogs are in my name.

1. Take a 401k loan out and pay off the car from the dealer
2, Put it in her name, then she has the ownership and all the responsibilities that come with it, Insurance, registration, etc

Problems are
1. She may not want to take ownership of the car, she may not even respond or act out.

In that case I may have to get the police involved, saying, Look the car is mine, I don't want to report it stolen but she has to take ownership

Sadly I am in text contact with two of her adult kids and they don't even talk to her anymore, not even for holidays, so I can't ask for them to mediate.

The end is near but I have some tricky maneuvering.

I hope everyone is doing well. I was looking at some posts. some people in some very bad spots. I feel  like responding but always afraid I will say the wrong thing.

[openskyblue]

Glad to hear from you!  And that you have possession of your dogs!  Hurray!

But, I have to ask: Why are you putting yourself at risk financially and legally by letting her drive your car? You are under no obligation to take care of her any longer -- and have been more than generous thus far. She's taken advantage of that, IMHO. Please don't take a loan out on your 401K to buy out the loan on your own car. That's the ultimate cut nose/spite face maneuver, and will hurt you by taking funds out of your 401K portfolio that could be earning for your retirement.  If she's wracking up expensive tickets ($400!) and crashing your car, you are well within your rights to take the car back into your possession.

This seems like a classic 3 C's experience:  You didn't cause the problem. You can't cure the problem. You can't control the problem, No one can force her to take possession of the car. What you can control is taking your own car back and, given her behavior and the likelihood she could be doing illegal stuff in the care, that seems like the most self-protective way to go here.

Having been married to a felon, I can tell you that the police and prosecutors don't really care much to consider nuance, when it comes to where crimes occur and who is on the deed or the title. They can and do go after whomever they can. I'd recommend cutting off this last connection with her, for the sake of your peace of mind, at the least -- and your financial and legal safety, at the most. Good luck!

[mrstring]

Nice to hear from you bluesky. I'll consider what you say. My plan is removing all responsibility except financial of course. This is the least amount of contact I can think of. I will think about what you said though.

[openskyblue]

Maybe another way to think about this:

If you were married, you would be in or have finished up a financial settlement. This would have included dividing all assets you held together and settling matters of ownership, including that of any cars you had. Typical options would have included one of you buying out the other in terms of the car -- or house or other asset. It's just something to think about. I know all of this has been a difficult process for you to get through. Sometimes it helps to consider things in terms of the balance sheet and liability only.

[Rose1]

Don't forget likely tax obligations to taking money out of 401k. I agree with the above. This car has huge risks to you. Best if you take it back and then either drive it or do with it what you can control. I understand it's difficult but the fear of what she may do is likely reduced now because her choices ore more limited.

Best to reduce all your risk.

[mrstring]

Maybe another way to think about this:

If you were married, you would be in or have finished up a financial settlement. This would have included dividing all assets you held together and settling matters of ownership, including that of any cars you had. Typical options would have included one of you buying out the other in terms of the car -- or house or other asset. It's just something to think about. I know all of this has been a difficult process for you to get through. Sometimes it helps to consider things in terms of the balance sheet and liability only.

Bluesky.
The way I look at it is I have to pay the car off one way or another. I really don't feel like swapping cars and don't want to leave her without a car. But I am over being responsible for the car. So she can either take ownership or I will have to take it.

Rose. Thank you too. The 401k is a loan and not taxed unless I don't pay it back.

[mrstring]

Maybe another way to think about this:

If you were married, you would be in or have finished up a financial settlement. This would have included dividing all assets you held together and settling matters of ownership, including that of any cars you had. Typical options would have included one of you buying out the other in terms of the car -- or house or other asset. It's just something to think about. I know all of this has been a difficult process for you to get through. Sometimes it helps to consider things in terms of the balance sheet and liability only.

How would I "take" the car anyhow? I don't want to report it stolen because I know she is driving it.

[openskyblue]

Since it's your car, you are within your rights to go take it from wherever it is. it might be a good idea to go to the local police precinct, explain the situation, and tell them that you would appreciate police presence when you go to get your car. Have the title and insurance documents for the car with you, so they can match up the VIN numbers. The only problem with this scenario is if she has anything illegal in the car. If the police find it, you could be charged with possession.

[mrstring]

Since it's your car, you are within your rights to go take it from wherever it is. it might be a good idea to go to the local police precinct, explain the situation, and tell them that you would appreciate police presence when you go to get your car. Have the title and insurance documents for the car with you, so they can match up the VIN numbers. The only problem with this scenario is if she has anything illegal in the car. If the police find it, you could be charged with possession.

Then I better not it do it that way. I don't think she does. But better to play it safe.

[sad_dog_mommy]

Since it's your car, you are within your rights to go take it from wherever it is. it might be a good idea to go to the local police precinct, explain the situation, and tell them that you would appreciate police presence when you go to get your car. Have the title and insurance documents for the car with you, so they can match up the VIN numbers.

I was thinking the same thing as openskyblue.  Call or visit your local precinct and explain your situation and see what they suggest.  Maybe this happens all the time and there is an easy way to get the car back from her?    I don't know how much is left time is left on the car loan but it seems like she has the better end of this arrangement.   Is this the last financial tie you have to her?

[mrstring]

Since it's your car, you are within your rights to go take it from wherever it is. it might be a good idea to go to the local police precinct, explain the situation, and tell them that you would appreciate police presence when you go to get your car. Have the title and insurance documents for the car with you, so they can match up the VIN numbers.

I was thinking the same thing as openskyblue.  Call or visit your local precinct and explain your situation and see what they suggest.  Maybe this happens all the time and there is an easy way to get the car back from her?    I don't know how much is left time is left on the car loan but it seems like she has the better end of this arrangement.   Is this the last financial tie you have to her?

Yes, last tie.

I can imagine the conversation with the police.
I would like to GIVE her the car that she is driving and is in my name to put it in her name but she is refusing.

[openskyblue]

I hope I'm not beating a dead horse here or being insensitive, but why do you want to give her the car? She created pain and suffering in your life, as well as cost you quite a bit of money. I remember your posts as you were leaving, and the whole scenario was scary and abusive.

It's understandable that you don't want to expose yourself to more abuse and difficulty, but allowing her to drive your car really does put you at legal and financial risk. I guess I"m not understanding why you feel you owe her a free car and insurance.

[Poison Ivy]

"I would like to GIVE her the car that she is driving and is in my name to put it in her name but she is refusing." Right now, she has the right to use a car but none of the responsibilities of ownership.  No wonder she doesn't want the car in her name.

[mrstring]

I hope I'm not beating a dead horse here or being insensitive, but why do you want to give her the car? She created pain and suffering in your life, as well as cost you quite a bit of money. I remember your posts as you were leaving, and the whole scenario was scary and abusive.

It's understandable that you don't want to expose yourself to more abuse and difficulty, but allowing her to drive your car really does put you at legal and financial risk. I guess I"m not understanding why you feel you owe her a free car and insurance.

I just want to be done of the responsibility of the car. When I give it to her or at least try, it will be off my name so no insurance, no registration, to ties to it other than paying it off. I want to be done with her forever. Plus it seems just mean to take the car. Maybe I am dense. I could switch cars and give her the one I am driving since it is paid off and take the other one but that would be more dragged out and painful. Plus I don't want that car. I suppose I can take it, sell it and use it as a down payment but either way I still owe the money for it.

[mrstring]

"I would like to GIVE her the car that she is driving and is in my name to put it in her name but she is refusing." Right now, she has the right to use a car but none of the responsibilities of ownership.  No wonder she doesn't want the car in her name.

Bingo. So she has two choices, I take the car or she keeps it and puts it in her name. That is what is in the works, I have to pay it off first. I am shooting for 2 or 3 weeks then I 'm done one way or the other.

[Poison Ivy]

You can't force her to take it, so I think you should keep it.

[openskyblue]

Bingo. So she has two choices, I take the car or she keeps it and puts it in her name. That is what is in the works, I have to pay it off first. I am shooting for 2 or 3 weeks then I 'm done one way or the other.

Actually, she has three choices -- the last one being that she could do nothing and just keep driving your car.

If you cancel the insurance on the car, the liability is on you and you'll be fined by your state for having an uninsured vehicle. This is a hefty fine that just accrues until you re-insure it -- and then that raises your car insurance on all your other cars.

[mrstring]

Bingo. So she has two choices, I take the car or she keeps it and puts it in her name. That is what is in the works, I have to pay it off first. I am shooting for 2 or 3 weeks then I 'm done one way or the other.

Actually, she has three choices -- the last one being that she could do nothing and just keep driving your car.

If you cancel the insurance on the car, the liability is on you and you'll be fined by your state for having an uninsured vehicle. This is a hefty fine that just accrues until you re-insure it -- and then that raises your car insurance on all your other cars.

That is not a third option, it is what has been going on for the past over two years. I will say you can keep the car and take possession or I will take it. Id rather not take it. But me having responsibility for it when she is driving it won't be an option anymore. I should have done this two years ago. I don't feel right leaving her with no car. Maybe I'm still broken that way, maybe I'm too nice but the way things are now is very dangerous.