Feeling anger and feeling stuck

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Sojourner17

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Feeling anger and feeling stuck
« on: September 29, 2018, 02:56:49 PM »
Iím not sure if this is just because Iím in the early post part Iím days or if itís something more but I have been feeling a lot of irritation and anger lately. Up until a few days ago I could tell I felt off but I couldnít really name it. I finally acknowledged it to myself :two days ago but itís scaring me and I donít know what to do with it.  It is rearing itís head with my eldest son and my husband especially.

An example: I brought home a puzzle for the boys to do. My husband was putting it together with them on the floor. I suggested they find the outside pieces first and put them together first. No acknowledgement that they heard me so I said it again... still nothing. I said it a third time and was still ignored. I was angry and said under my breath ďwhatever!Ē And walked away. I was angry and frustrated that they completely ignored my suggestion... no acknowledgment that I even said anything.... I might as well not have even been standing there. All I wanted to do is yell at them. Did you hear me??? Canít you even let me know you heard what I said??? Canít you just do what I said????

It really bothers me that Iím as upset as I am about this. I have tears in my eyes as Iím typing. Itís such a small thing and obviously they wanted to put it together their way (which btw I ended up putting it together because my husband was saying there were pieces missing and he was struggling with it). He said he wanted to put it together one province at a time (map of Canada) and not do itmy way. This irritated me as well.

What the heck?!?

Iíve bern really short with my eldest lately. All I want to tell is ďwhy canít you just do what I ask when I ask??!?Ē He tries to cuddle and stroke my arm/hair when Iím nursing the baby and I get so irritated and tell him not to touch me. Then I feel horrible but I just canít handle the extra physical stimulation. Heís 5. 😞 I feel aweful about it but I just canít take it.

Iím struggling with feeling like an aweful mother. I love my children and want the best for them. I love my husband and donít want to hurt them. What the heck is wrong with me?!?  On top of it all Iím scared I will become like my mom or worse. I donít remember her getting this frustrated and angry with me. My sister,yes, but not me... and she was fairly patient with all of us when we were 5 and under from what I remember.

Just wondering if there are any moms who experienced similar things? I want to be with my family but I find myself retreating either alone or with our new baby because I feel like Iím about to come out of my skin. Iím tired but have this weird energy that needs to be released and itís seeping out in anger. Iím scared Iím going to have an outburst that is out of control.  Plus everyone but me is sick with a cold... including the baby. Iím the only one not sick. I want to get out for walks but donít feel like I can leave everyone. I may go for a quick walk around the block when baby goes to sleep if I can slip away but even then itís a battle bc my older two want to come and cry and yell when I leave unless I can slip out without them noticing.

Iíve also been ruminating over my last contacts with my mom. She reconnected her cell phone again a few days ago and texted asking me to come for Thanksgiving saying my sisters wonít be there and it will just be her dad and my niece. I said no and that it was too far to come with a new baby. She said thanks for telling me.   I feel mad about this as well. There is no consideration for me and my family... I know on the outside it looks like an innocent question/invitation but itís NOT. I just want to yell at her and tell her itís not all about her and why should we come anyways? To hear her complain about my sisters, see how she treats my niece when she tantrums, watch how she treats my boys if they do or say anything that bothers her, making passive aggressive looks and comments about us, trying to talk about subjects so she can argue with me? I.AM.JUST.SO.MAD!!!!!!


"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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Sojourner17

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Re: Feeling anger and feeling stuck
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2018, 03:10:33 PM »
Sorry if this is in the wrong place... I wasnít sure where to put it.  I need to work through this anger and come out on the other side. I need to work through it because itís holding me back. It leads to negative self defeating/sabotaging thoughts. Iím supposed to start homeschooling my five year old in the coming months and even though I plan on taking it easy with a new baby and him being a young 5 I keep asking myself how do I do that with all this anger simmering just below the surface?
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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Malini

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Re: Feeling anger and feeling stuck
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2018, 03:01:27 PM »
Sojourner17,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with your emotions and what should be a happy moment in your life is causing you such pain and anger.

Who knows if it's hormonal or not? I'm at the other end of the hormonal journey to you but it sounds like me in the throes of the worst PMS ever, where everything irritated me to the point of snapping, there was so much underlying tension in my body that I felt ready to explode at any moment and poor DH couldn't even breathe 'right'. So maybe it is related to the giant hormonal changes your body has just gone through.

Or, it may be the baby blues, which when left unchecked can morph into post partum depression.

Whatever it is, I would encourage you to reach out and speak with your midwife, or OB/GYN, or whoever would be appropriate and see if there is anything that they can offer you in way of support or even medication. I feel that it's the not knowing that is awful, and if they can explain or reassure you about this behaviour and offer remedies, your anxiety and worry will possibly diminish a bit.

Could your husband make himself more available to relieve you of some of the childcare, or even just to enable you to grab a cup of coffee, or do what you know will lift your mood for a bit?

A new baby is a lot of work, even if they sleep and eat well and when they are asleep, there's the older child to take care of, and I remember feeling guilty towards my elder child too, because he had a lot less mummy time post birth.

As to your anger, often anger masks sadness. Maybe journaling would be a helpful tool to use so you can just scribble out all your anger and frustration and lessen the pressure a bit?

You will not turn into your Mom. You are conscious of your behaviour, you know it doesn't feel normal and right and you are reaching out for help in order to be a better Mom.

I hope you find at least one of my suggestions helpful. You need to find a way to take care of your own needs first, before you can help others.

Sending you hugs of support.


"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

'I think it's important to realise that you can miss something, but not want it back' Paul Coelho

'We accept the love we think we deserve' Stephen Chbosky

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Feeling anger and feeling stuck
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2018, 01:45:52 PM »
Before I had a baby, I heard of women experiencing postpartum depression and I didn't understand. Did they not know how lucky they were? Were they not thankful for their child? Did they not love them? After having a baby of my own, I changed my view. My experience is that I loved my LO more than anything and was very thankful for her - however, it was very difficult to completely give up everything, including even a moment of independence. Our babies depend on us for everything. Mine would nurse basically non-stop the first 3 months and would not sleep unless her body was touching me. I had to give up myself so she could survive. People will say to just have your husband help more but it isn't that easy - not all husbands are willing or mentally able (to handle the stress) or the baby just physically needs the mom. I can't imagine trying to do all that with other children to take care of. If what you are experiencing is postpartum depression, there's no shame in it. I think it would be strange for someone to not be experiencing these symptoms. Being a mom is tough. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for making things better. I think I kind of embraced not having a life other than my kid for awhile - but it was temporary and I started to gain more and more independence each year and started to find myself again. I had also found out about BPD when LO was 6 months old so I was healing from that too. I think that was my breaking point with my M because I just mentally couldn't handle her antics AND take care of my LO. You may decide that your M is too much to handle with 3 kids and cut back contact even more. I know any sort of contact with my BPDm can make me irritable and short tempered with my DH and LO. That's not fair to them.

The other thing that stands out to me is that it sounds like your DH and DS weren't acknowledging you and you felt unheard. If you are like me, you felt unheard and unseen through your childhood so it feels really frustrating when it happens as an adult. It makes me feel invisible and helpless. Perhaps you can tell your DH how this makes you feel - let him know that he doesn't have to follow your suggestions but he could at least acknowledge that he heard you.

Sojourner, you really are doing great. Hang in there, it will get better. In the meantime, think about talking to your doctor. Try journaling some of that anger out onto paper. Try to go easy on yourself. Take care.
 :bighug:
ďHow starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your egoĒ
~ Amanda Torroni

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Sojourner17

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Re: Feeling anger and feeling stuck
« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2018, 06:35:26 PM »
Malini and daughterofbpd,

thank you so much for your responses,  sorry it took me so long to get back to them.  Its been so busy adjusting to three littles.  Ive been feeling somewhat better and Ive been taking some time in the evenings to walk around the block by myself a couple of times which is really helping.  I think it was just hormones readjusting.  Shortly after that incident i felt like my emotions plummeted and hit bottom but started to go back to normal soon after (like the next day).  Yes, im tired, yes, sometimes my noisy boys lead to me feeling frazzled, yes, ive had moments of feeling pretty angry and frustrated but its fleeting and is not staying around which is good.

This parenting thing is hard!  :)

My husband is pretty helpful but is back to work now so during the day its just me but we seem to be settling into a new routine so thats good.

Anyways, things are on the up and up.  To end this post Id say my future goal is to enjoy my boys as much as I can, try my best to take a deep breath when im frustrated or angry and take the TIME to think before i do or say something, then plunge back in to the fray of parenting/getting things done with my family.
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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KeepONKeepingON

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Re: Feeling anger and feeling stuck
« Reply #5 on: November 18, 2018, 04:18:23 AM »
Sojourner17,

this post really resonated with me. After my daughter was born, I did find myself getting short tempered with my son who was just over 2 at the time.

This has probably all settled down for you, but here is what I have found helps me stay calm and kind.

1. Getting enough sleep and going to bed early so that I get at least 8 or at the very least 7 hours sleep.

2. Since September I go to the pool and go for a swim at least once a week. My children go to childminding at the pool for 1 hour. This was very hard at the start, as my daughter used to cry when I brought her to childcare, thankfully she has now calmed down and plays happily there. Doing some exercise and being on my own for a little bit really helps me stay positive.

3. Going to therapy - getting all the anger that I had buried inside me out has helped me stay more even tempered.

4. My husband and I are living far away from all family. My family would not help, but if we were closer to home we might get a little support from DH's family. It's really hard to look after small children, they are great but caring for kids is physically tiring and emotionally draining especially if you rarely get a break. I acknowledge that I adore my children, some days are wonderful, but other days are tough.

5. Saying no. I think that I can find it hard to say no to my kids, it's important to find a balance. My son is now 4 and always wants to go on the piggyback board on our stroller. Recently, we have a rule that he must walk for a bit before getting on the piggyback board and he must walk up and down hills. If you were the fixer, it can be hard to find a balance and not to do everything for everyone.

6. Emotional Hangover from FOO who just don't give a toss about you and offer no support at all!


Iíve also been ruminating over my last contacts with my mom. She reconnected her cell phone again a few days ago and texted asking me to come for Thanksgiving saying my sisters wonít be there and it will just be her dad and my niece. I said no and that it was too far to come with a new baby. She said thanks for telling me.   I feel mad about this as well. There is no consideration for me and my family... I know on the outside it looks like an innocent question/invitation but itís NOT. I just want to yell at her and tell her itís not all about her and why should we come anyways? To hear her complain about my sisters, see how she treats my niece when she tantrums, watch how she treats my boys if they do or say anything that bothers her, making passive aggressive looks and comments about us, trying to talk about subjects so she can argue with me? I.AM.JUST.SO.MAD!!!!!!


 :yeahthat:

I think that is so hard to deal with your emotions once you are Out of the FOG and to process the grief of not having a supportive and loving FOO. I get no help from my FOO and I never feel very happy after any interaction with them. After my daughter was born, my father told me how I pinched my brother when he was a newborn! That kind of FOO offer no emotional support or practical help and just suck you of energy while demanding that you take care of their whims. It doesn't matter to them that you have LOs to look after, they must always come first.

Take care  :bighug:

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Sojourner17

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Re: Feeling anger and feeling stuck
« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2018, 04:50:20 PM »
Thank you Keeponkeepingon!

Those suggestions help. I have been working on being more assertive and taking time to myself in more healthy ways... I tend to clam up and retreat when things arenít going great.   I also am trying to be more aware of what leads to frustration and anger with the kiddos and Iím trying to change some of my behaviours regarding facial expressions and tone of voice.

Like your name Iím trying to keeponkeepingon! Taking care of littles is not easy!
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery