Constant Jabs

  • 7 Replies
  • 262 Views
*

vonmoot

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 290
    • Foolish Mutterings
Constant Jabs
« on: October 04, 2018, 10:59:58 AM »
I posted earlier about "Peace in Our Time".  Judging by how ucovertNPD wife is, I think that is ending.

How does everyone deal with constant negativity and criticism?  The jabs keep coming with nothing positive ever said.  Everything my fault.  It is so exhausting.  I wonder if I am being baited to react.  Sadly, I do find myself frustrated and angry, and I do express it (don't yell or anything but she can tell).  I have told her that I'm tired of the constant criticism.  Naturally, she denies it in one breath and the next one points out how I failed in something.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven.
The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis

*

SonofThunder

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 575
Re: Constant Jabs
« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2018, 11:56:40 AM »
I posted earlier about "Peace in Our Time".  Judging by how ucovertNPD wife is, I think that is ending.

How does everyone deal with constant negativity and criticism?  The jabs keep coming with nothing positive ever said.  Everything my fault.  It is so exhausting.  I wonder if I am being baited to react.  Sadly, I do find myself frustrated and angry, and I do express it (don't yell or anything but she can tell).  I have told her that I'm tired of the constant criticism.  Naturally, she denies it in one breath and the next one points out how I failed in something.

Sorry brother. I also know well what you describe.  You wrote; I wonder if I am being baited to react. 

My opinion from my own uPDw experiences is that 1. It is baiting, as PDs thrill in baiting and catching a fish that fights back.  2. It can also at the same time be projection, as the PD is actually internally self-criticizing his/her own failures but criticizing you openly in similar areas to hide the self-criticism and blame shift the issues to you. 

You also wrote; Sadly, I do find myself frustrated and angry, and I do express it (don't yell or anything but she can tell).  I have told her that I'm tired of the constant criticism.

That, in my opinion, is the bait taken and PDs get that thrill of a fish on the hook.  Telling her you are tired of it lets her know the constant jabs each have landed for the blow and your expressing it to her in that way lets her know it is working and to continue. 

I want to suggest that a boundary to protect/remove yourself from it will bring you some space/peace and the boundary wall she will run into when you deploy yours for yourself will be a negative for her. 

Think of it again from the fishing analogy.  She casts her well designed lure of criticism in the water, lurking around your favorite spot to catch the lunker she knows is there, and you dont take the bait. She continually casts that lurid lure right on the money, but as the smart fish has learned, having been caught before with that same bait, he now moves behind the boundary cover of branches and rocks for peace and safety and when he does, she gets that well designed lure snagged in the boundary branches or under a rock and it becomes frustrating for the bait-lady as the fish is outsmarting her. 

Does she pack it in and go home or elsewhere?  Maybe for that day, but she has her mind now set harder on catching that trophy and she will be back to cast again.  The fish has always got to be smart and use the boundaries well in their design, as she will cast from many angles.  The fish will learn to come out and eat when the casting stops, but hes always got to be on guard. 

I feel for you Vonmoot.  Its a tough life to be a bait-dodging fish, but many of us are right there in the lake with you, in the same circumstance just around the bend. 

SoT
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

*

coyote

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 4846
Re: Constant Jabs
« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2018, 12:29:46 PM »
vonmoot,
Here is my take on this. Anything said that is intended to belittle, demean, make me feel less than, incompetent, etc. I term as verbal/emotional abuse. My moral code does not allow me to be subjected to abuse of any kind. So I set strong boundaries enforced with logical consequences when boundaries are violated.

With my boundaries set I no longer feel frustrated and angry. I feel empowered and in control of my emotions. You say, " I do express it (don't yell or anything but she can tell)." To me this is where the baiting comes in. She is getting what she wants, you to be frustrated and angry. With boundaries you don't have to feel like that. When she does not get what she wants, (at least in my situation with my uPPDw) the baiting stops.

Don't misunderstand boundaries though. They are not meant to change the other person's behavior; although this can happen as an offshoot. Boundaries are meant to protect us and help us change our responses, I hope this helps as I know the frustration I felt with this.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

*

11JB68

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 445
Re: Constant Jabs
« Reply #3 on: October 04, 2018, 12:58:31 PM »
Right there with you on this one, and though I am still not doing a good job on setting/enforcing boundaries, I am trying SO hard to use Medium Chill and find it works quite well. I can't say I'm 'happy' in my marriage, but the drama has been reduced drastically, for which I am thankful.

*

vonmoot

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 290
    • Foolish Mutterings
Re: Constant Jabs
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2018, 10:09:36 AM »
SoT-
I like the fishing analogy.  I am learning to emotionally detach myself from her statements.  Very hard to do as she is very, very persistent.  I will keep in mind the fishing analogy because that is something I can mentally picture.

Coyote-
Again, boundaries are being put into place.  What I am finding is that I have to leave the room.  I knew this on a rational level, but we don't live with a rational being.  Anyway, I have to leave the room and clear my mind and regain my emotional composure.  That seems to be helping.

11JB68-
I guess we are in the same boat.  For instance the wife and son got into an argument (wife was yelling at son, son reacted), I told son to use Medium Chill and Grey Rock.  Not fire with fire.  Wife wants me to mediate their dispute.  Told her that if she has problem with son, then she should confront son.  I cannot/will not be in the middle of it.  Later she mentioned that son has not approached her.  I told her that I had a conversation with him.  To which she said, "That did not work so well."  I replied then she should talk to him...not me.  Then I left the room.  My boundary is not mediate their arguments anymore.  Tiring.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven.
The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis

*

11JB68

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 445
Re: Constant Jabs
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2018, 11:37:42 AM »
Vonmoot, how old is your son? Mine is 21. I've found that uPDh has tried to use me as his proxy e.g. tell ds to do x. He knows I don't agree with him. When I've tried to have h and ds speak directly with each other h escalates. In fact I feel like he then is more mean to ds as a way of trying to punish me! It never seems to go well. Also I'm realizing that ds (unconsciously I'm sure) has been practicing the art of mc long before I even knew about it.

*

vonmoot

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 290
    • Foolish Mutterings
Re: Constant Jabs
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2018, 11:18:30 AM »
11JB68-
Son is 24.  I get the reacting to be yelled at.  It affects the lizard brain, so his "fight or flight" response is activated.  I've spoken with him that meeting his mother head on is not going to end in his favor.  Instead, MC and Grey Rock.  Our kids (24, 21, 19) are at college but they have learned to make themselves busy so as not to come home.
Ironically, as I was coming Out of the FOG, I became kind of despondent.  After I got through this period, he remarked how bitter I seemed.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven.
The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis

*

LeeJane

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 785
Re: Constant Jabs
« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2018, 08:13:41 AM »
Thank you for the shares in this thread.  I strongly relate to the constant baiting.