Life success of PD partners

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angryhippo

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Life success of PD partners
« on: October 07, 2018, 09:28:00 PM »
How have those of you with current or former PD partners fared in life?  Are you successful?  Do you feel your partner sabotaged your success?

Hoping there are some other type-A, career driven types on here to exchange notes with.  I'm self made and very successful for my young age.   I was supposed to be applying to top business and law schools this year but am having to put it off a year due to the trauma after leaving this relationship.  Can anyone else relate? 
« Last Edit: October 07, 2018, 09:31:37 PM by angryhippo »

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Life success of PD partners
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2018, 10:17:36 PM »
I have what would be considered a “Type A” job though I don’t consider myself  a Type A person.

I am professionally successfully by any metric , but I am not nearly where I would have been had I not been in the marriage I was. My marriage really held me back. My focus was pretty much all on my ex and the chaos at home.

Once I separated and the dust settled I started focusing on my “career” and in only a couple of years I got some really big promotions and radically changed my salary.

I honestly don’t think a year off will hold you back, if anything it will help you be more successful as you will go in to school calmer and more focused.

It’s incredible the toll these relationships take on all aspects of our lives.

The weird thing about my job is that the person I am at work is the total opposite of who I was in my relationship. People who work with me would never believe what I did and put up with in my “real life”. I’ve been working hard on reconciling the two parts of me and figuring out who I really am.

I think due to my upbringing I hold myself back a lot in life. At work I hold myself back less. Mostly I thought  it was because one of us needed to work, but looking back I think it’s because I got more support at work and people just assumed I was competent so it felt safer to take risks and put myself out there. This is funny because I work in what is pretty universally acknowledged as a cut-throat, non-supportive environment.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2018, 10:19:38 PM by GettingOOTF »

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angryhippo

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Re: Life success of PD partners
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2018, 10:49:33 PM »
I have what would be considered a “Type A” job though I don’t consider myself  a Type A person.

I am professionally successfully by any metric , but I am not nearly where I would have been had I not been in the marriage I was. My marriage really held me back. My focus was pretty much all on my ex and the chaos at home.

Once I separated and the dust settled I started focusing on my “career” and in only a couple of years I got some really big promotions and radically changed my salary.

I honestly don’t think a year off will hold you back, if anything it will help you be more successful as you will go in to school calmer and more focused.

It’s incredible the toll these relationships take on all aspects of our lives.

The weird thing about my job is that the person I am at work is the total opposite of who I was in my relationship. People who work with me would never believe what I did and put up with in my “real life”. I’ve been working hard on reconciling the two parts of me and figuring out who I really am.

I think due to my upbringing I hold myself back a lot in life. At work I hold myself back less. Mostly I thought  it was because one of us needed to work, but looking back I think it’s because I got more support at work and people just assumed I was competent so it felt safer to take risks and put myself out there. This is funny because I work in what is pretty universally acknowledged as a cut-throat, non-supportive environment.

Glad there's people on here that have that in common.  Most of the friends in my circle are also quite driven but also are the player-types when it comes to women and do not understand why I stayed in it as long as I did (just a tad over one year).  I've given up trying to explain it to them.

My work is cut-throat as well.  I'm one of the youngest in my organization by a healthy 20 years or so.  Immense responsibility for my age.  The one thing I've found is that the aftermath of this relationship is that I have a lot of anger.  I've probably yelled at people at work more in the last 2 months than I have in the last 2 years.  It helps get the results I want but is probably not the most effective way to do so.

What angers me is what I missed out on over the last year.  I could have made x amount more money if I had focused more on work instead of the woman.  Scored in top 1% nationwide of grad school standardized tests instead of top 2%.  Skipped invitations to numerous dinner parties with scores of models because I was tied down.  Always thinking about how this will affect my future trajectory.  And how I may sabotage future personal/professional relationships because of my baggage.  2 months post-break up and I still have so much rage, hatred in my heart, and malignant intentions towards others.  Used to be such a balanced and considerate person.  Really sucks.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2018, 10:51:05 PM by angryhippo »

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11JB68

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Re: Life success of PD partners
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2018, 12:43:41 AM »
Similar to getting ootf....I think people whoknow what I'm going through see surprised, because I am so self sufficient and in control at work. Once I put my foot down and insisted I had to go back to  full time at my job, I was able to move up and earn more money. However there are some things I've passed on (business travel, events outside of work hours) which probably would help me to be taken more seriously. Also I was in a job for a while that wasnt a healthy environment, so that was tough. I've been at a new place now for over a year and work is sort of my 'happy place'now, as sad a that may seem.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Life success of PD partners
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2018, 01:38:12 PM »
I understand the anger at the time and opportunities lost, but for me true healing and forward movement in my life came when I looked at my own part in the relationship. Not only why I stayed but why I became involved in the first place.

No one makes us do anything we don’t want to deep down. Understanding how I ended up in the relationship means there is a better chance I won’t make the same mistakes again.

You say you focussss more on “the woman” than on your work, but going forward the focus should be in yourself first. This will help with both your professional and personal relationships.

It’s a hard lesson to learn though and many of us who have “Type A” lives resist it.


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angryhippo

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Re: Life success of PD partners
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2018, 03:47:01 AM »
I understand the anger at the time and opportunities lost, but for me true healing and forward movement in my life came when I looked at my own part in the relationship. Not only why I stayed but why I became involved in the first place.

No one makes us do anything we don’t want to deep down. Understanding how I ended up in the relationship means there is a better chance I won’t make the same mistakes again.

You say you focussss more on “the woman” than on your work, but going forward the focus should be in yourself first. This will help with both your professional and personal relationships.

It’s a hard lesson to learn though and many of us who have “Type A” lives resist it.

I definitely do not focus on the ex more than my work.  I hardly think of her when I'm at the office.  In fact, aside from the gym and socializing, that is my one solace where I'm at peace.  I limit time thinking about her to when I'm driving (listening to audiobooks about PD, CPTSD, recover, etc.), counseling sessions, and occasional gripe session with friends and family.

I reject the notion that I played a part in this.  My life was awesome before she came into it.   I put the blame wholly on her, and her toxic manipulative behavior.  Were parts of my personality factors in what occurred?  Absolutely.  I'm a nice, generous person, sometimes give second chances when I shouldn't.  I blame her for exploiting that and not considering my needs.  The opportunities lost are a huge deal for me.  I was on track to jump up several tax brackets within a few years.  On a similar growth trajectory in my dating and social life prior to meeting this woman.  I question angrily how that has been affected now.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2018, 03:54:21 AM by angryhippo »

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angryhippo

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Re: Life success of PD partners
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2018, 03:47:57 AM »
And if that post didn't make it clear why my username is angry hippo....

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tommom

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Re: Life success of PD partners
« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2018, 03:51:06 PM »
Angryhippo, I can. I'm really sorry about what you are enduring, but I lived in this life surrounded by PDs for most of it, not ever knowing. Congratulations on being where you are at a young age! I came OOTF in 2014, at the age of 64. I am now 68 and trying to re-build some sort of life and self from here.

Yes, my PDm and my PDh have sabotaged everything I have ever done. Both were/are extremely high level manipulators and users. (I have come to the rather terrifying conclusion in the last year that my H - and possibly my M- is ASPD, low on the spectrum for sociopathy, but there.) I was continually confused as to WHY they would do that. I have finally concluded, after much study, that it was because they could. I was the mouse a cat plays with before it is killed. That was why. That helped, by the way.

Recovery is an ongoing process and I am at the point of planning a life without him at this late stage. My M is dead.

I wish you the best. Just don't let that anger get in your way (I have developed extremely high blood pressure over it all!) Just let it propel you to a better life. All the best.
"It is not my job to fix other people; everyone is on their own journey."

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angryhippo

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Re: Life success of PD partners
« Reply #8 on: October 12, 2018, 02:43:51 AM »
I loathe the idea that recovery needs to be an going process.  My life was near perfect before she came into it.  I have a God given purpose in life and it angers me that some woman got in the way of that.  I feel entitled to skipping that process.  I feel entitled to it.
« Last Edit: October 14, 2018, 09:30:01 PM by xredshoesx »

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angryhippo

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Re: Life success of PD partners
« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2018, 02:48:38 AM »
Angryhippo, I can. I'm really sorry about what you are enduring, but I lived in this life surrounded by PDs for most of it, not ever knowing. Congratulations on being where you are at a young age! I came OOTF in 2014, at the age of 64. I am now 68 and trying to re-build some sort of life and self from here.

Yes, my PDm and my PDh have sabotaged everything I have ever done. Both were/are extremely high level manipulators and users. (I have come to the rather terrifying conclusion in the last year that my H - and possibly my M- is ASPD, low on the spectrum for sociopathy, but there.) I was continually confused as to WHY they would do that. I have finally concluded, after much study, that it was because they could. I was the mouse a cat plays with before it is killed. That was why. That helped, by the way.

Recovery is an ongoing process and I am at the point of planning a life without him at this late stage. My M is dead.

I wish you the best. Just don't let that anger get in your way (I have developed extremely high blood pressure over it all!) Just let it propel you to a better life. All the best.

Thank you for the support.

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Orthocone

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Re: Life success of PD partners
« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2018, 07:15:00 PM »
I initially wasn't going to answer this question but I think I can relate to it.  I had one narcissistic ex, and the two other people I had on/off whatever-they-were with pretty much fit the bill, not the least of all my enmeshed uBPDm for years.  Narc ex wanted me to quit working and wanted to move in together after only two months of seeing each other (and he being in a halfway house).  He swore by a different career plan every day it seemed.  For awhile he wanted to be a truck driver and show me the country.  Then he wanted to have his own construction business and for me to be the secretary or whatever.  I have to hand it to him though, that relationship showed me many things that are wrong with the American criminal justice system which is a whole different subject but anyway...

Narcs can mess with your sense of reality.  Between guys I've seen over the years and then my mother, I had trouble sticking to the program, my program.  It was never okay for me to just be "in the middle" stagnant somewhere in my life.  I had to be going somewhere (particularly where the PD wanted me to go but I digress). 

"You know makes the night so beautiful?  That the galaxy had a chance to sit in darkness, but it decided to let stars shine bright."-S D-B

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coyote

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Re: Life success of PD partners
« Reply #11 on: October 15, 2018, 06:21:59 PM »
You know I am going to put a different spin on this topic. I think that in my case I take personal responsibility for whatever has occurred or not in my life. I have a hard time blaming someone else for what I have done or not done. I will give my ex as an example. Married 20 plus years, both well paid professionals, and I came out of that marriage with nothing to show but almost $100,000 in bad debt.

Bottom line is that I participated in this. If not directly then by default. I started over at 50+, paid off all the bad debt, and am now living the life I have always wanted to. I feel I have no right to be angry at anyone, I have no animosity not even at my ex. I made my own choices and am still doing so. I could have made better choices in the past but that's why they call it the past; it is past.

I think how we choose to think about a situation determines how we feel about it and in turn how we act. It is all a choice. And I have never gotten anywhere by treating anyone badly or seeing myself as a victem. Just my 2 cents.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
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“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow