My mother is receiving an award

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M0009803

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My mother is receiving an award
« on: October 11, 2018, 08:46:36 PM »
To make a long story short,

I went NC last year after my wedding, primarily because my mother and older sister tried to sabotage the event for me, and my now wife.   

Been NC since then and I have definitely seen a lot of improvement in regards to my mental state.  Doing better in pretty much all fronts.

Fast forward to yesterday then.

I only interact with my older brother, as my wife and I get on well with him and his wife (he also lives about 30 mins away. The rest of my family lives abroad).  My sisters (both younger (enabler) and older (uNPD)) as well as my mother are all blocked from email, calls, and FB.  My sister sent out an email (my brother replied to it so I can see the email chain) that my mother is receiving an award for her services to her chosen profession (she retired a few years ago after a 40-year career).  This is a big-deal and now they are trying to get me to go.  My mother is also now emailing me through my brother telling me she will pay for my flights and anything else.

First off, I am happy for my mother because I do know she put a lot of effort into her career, and she does actually deserve this.

But second, they are acting like nothing has happened.  They are also trying to promote a picture perfect happy family to the outside world which has always annoyed me.    Underneath the mirage our family is very unhealthy, mostly due to my mothers volatile emotions over the decades (which had many negative effects on us).

I am also angry that she is trying to reach out so that I go to an important event for her own benefit, when in the past she tried to sabotage what was supposed to be one of the most important events of my life (my wedding).

I am therefore a bit conflicted.  They do not deserve my attending that function after what they tried to do.  And if I read the situation correctly, they just want to save face with the people that will be in attendance (who will no doubt ask where I am if I am absent).   I guess I just feel bad because if my mother where not who she is, I would have loved to go to celebrate the accomplishment.

So I guess I just need to vent, and talk it out with like-minded people, as I can't really talk to too many people about this. 

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KD5FUL

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Re: My mother is receiving an award
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2018, 10:57:53 PM »
I agree that they don't deserve your attendance. 

My PD family also loves to pretend that we are a loving family in public.  I stopped participating in that years ago.

I'm sorry that your PDmother tried to ruin your wedding. My own PDmother ruined mine, so I truly know how awful it is.

It's sad that your mother isn't a healthier/ better person, so that you would be able to attend this event and celebrate with her. You deserve better.


לפום צערא אגרא

A victim of abuse who suffers in silence will suffer the most.

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daughter

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Re: My mother is receiving an award
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2018, 11:09:20 AM »
Have you received an apology for the wedding shenanigans?  I'm guessing no. 

It's so common for a pd-disordered parent's bad behavior to cause a rift in relationship, with a period of silence and estrangement, then there's a compelling attempt to quickly resume relations as if nothing ever happened.  Said bad behavior episode is emphatically swept under the carpet, the thing not to be mentioned, accompanied by hoovering self-serving assumption of let bygones be bygones.  Our pd-disordered parents think there's no need for apology, because they're entitled to say and do whatever they want, with no accountability, expressing their parental right to ignore outcome of their behavior, along with expectation/demand that you eventually resume participating in family events, with issues ignored, at least until next big bad behavior episode.

So, no apology?  Then I'd casually ignore this career-recognition event.  Would you really squander the vacation-time to go visit your parents under such circumstances?  To smile and nod with supposed admiration of your mother, to accommodate her and your enmeshed sisters' expectation of your compliance and obedience, to attend this proposed event, all for "saving face"?  What about your aggrieved wife?  Does she tag-along for round-two of unpleasant in-laws behave badly towards me?  Regardless of worthiness of award, regardless of how hard your mother worked for it, she has messed-up badly here with you and DW.  Amends must be made - BY HER, BY YOUR SISTER(S).
« Last Edit: October 12, 2018, 11:12:28 AM by daughter »

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One

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Re: My mother is receiving an award
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2018, 03:39:08 PM »
Someone should redirect you to one of the other threads the effects of having your PD parent pay for things on your behalf.  Nothing good ever comes of that.   :sadno:

If I were you I'd make up some work related lie saying I couldn't make it and, if you want, relay through your brother your congratulation on the award.
Enjoy the silence.

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Iguanagos

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Re: My mother is receiving an award
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2018, 04:42:23 PM »
Since you've said she worked hard and deserved this award, perhaps just send a simple "Congratulations" card, which acknowledges her achievement, but doesn't sacrifice your and your wife's mental well-being by being present and acting all Happy Family.  She doesn't deserve your presence as you said.  Given that you're NC, and she's done nothing to reach out to try to repair the damage, a card is really above and beyond.  I get that it is technically breaking NC to even send a card, so you'll have to decide whether it's better to do nothing, or send something simple and generic, which recognizes the achievement, if not the person.

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One

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Re: My mother is receiving an award
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2018, 05:17:07 PM »
Amongst other things, if your mother was to tell people that you are absent, because you couldn't make it because of a work obligation do you really think these people wouldn't believe it?  I think a lot of PDs believe they are the topic of speculation as if people go home at night and spend their evenings discussing them around the dinner table.  I know my mother thought this way.   My mother had no friends and wasn't close to her family, so I wasn't sure who this mystery audience she was always referring to was.  PDs are always obsessing with the "What are people gonna think?  What are people gonna say???" melodrama. 
Enjoy the silence.

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Summer Sun

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Re: My mother is receiving an award
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2018, 11:25:23 PM »
I concur with others and would sent a congratulatory card with regrets you cannot attend. 

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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M0009803

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Re: My mother is receiving an award
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2018, 03:45:25 PM »
Just to update everybody,

I decided in the end not to attend the awards ceremony.   

About a week and a half later I have had two potential flying monkeys contact me (younger sister and older brother).   My older brother lives close to me so I do not suspect him as being a FM, but my younger sister I would definitely qualify as an enabler/FM.  Her contact was no doubt egged on by my mother, who was most likely annoyed by my not attending her awards ceremony.  We were always conditioned to project the view that our family was unified growing up, so I am sure she had to so a few mental gymnastics with the VIPs that attended the ceremony about my lack of presence. 


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spring13

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Re: My mother is receiving an award
« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2018, 10:12:28 AM »
You were right not to go. Your mother doesn't deserve to be rewarded for trying to sabotage one of the biggest celebrations of your life.

I'm sorry that your sister and potentially other siblings are serving as FMs. But any parent who would try to sabotage a wedding is incredibly toxic and if your siblings can't see that because of their own issues, that's their problem to deal with over time.

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M0009803

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Re: My mother is receiving an award
« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2018, 12:54:46 PM »
You were right not to go. Your mother doesn't deserve to be rewarded for trying to sabotage one of the biggest celebrations of your life.

I'm sorry that your sister and potentially other siblings are serving as FMs. But any parent who would try to sabotage a wedding is incredibly toxic and if your siblings can't see that because of their own issues, that's their problem to deal with over time.

We were all very enmeshed for a very long time (into our 30's) as our father died when we were very young (I was 4) and we travelled abroad with our mother a lot (she isolated us from oir extended family due to her emotional instability).  We essentially had no privacy growing up, and our mother triangulated us so that she would remain in control at the Centre of the family web. 

It took me a long time to see the reality of the situation, and it was only after what happened during the wedding that I broke through the fog.  As a rational, and objective person I just couldn't reconcile how a person who states she loves and cares about you could possibly do what she did.   

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EnglishLady

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Re: My mother is receiving an award
« Reply #10 on: December 14, 2018, 12:40:42 PM »
I absolutely agree, you are being used to portray a happy family image.  You dont deserve this and she doesn't deserve you . 

My Narc Mother would do absolutely the same thing to show her public face - her other (many) face(s) are very different, but as we all know they like to shield that side of themselves.   

I wish you strength  :wave: xx