I am mad at my self for being duped.

  • 8 Replies
  • 229 Views
*

Samuel S.

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 921
I am mad at my self for being duped.
« on: October 11, 2018, 11:46:11 PM »
Yes, I am mad at myself for being duped by my PDw, being told she was the best thing in my life, being manipulated, being emotionally abused, being neglected, thinking she was going to change, and her hurting emotionally my side of the family and friends. Frankly, it’s gone beyond all this. I am sad, angry, hurt, and I take it out on myself in different ways. Sure, I see a T. I keep myself occupied by being around others who are genuine and caring, but there is that empty spot in me that is void. Also, I struggle with trusting her and forgiving her. A religious friend of mine said I should forgive her, that it is her hurt that makes her hurt me. While I understand and empathize with her, I still am mad at myself for being duped and rarely standing up for myself.

*

vonmoot

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 290
    • Foolish Mutterings
Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2018, 11:22:56 AM »
I would say...forgive yourself.

When I was struggling to come Out of the FOG, I was pretty angry.  Mostly at myself for being duped and saddling myself with this person.  I hadn't realized how much I was NOT containing that anger, until my oldest came up to me and remarked that I seemed "bitter".  Hit me pretty hard.  I've since tried to work on letting go of the anger and bitterness.  Yes, forgiving the PD is important.  Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to feel its effects.  However, forgiving oneself is crucial.  Without it, one cannot dispassionately examine how they got into that situation and avoid it in the future.

PDs are master manipulators.  They will pull people in because we are decent.  When I look back after 25 years, there was only two red flags: she could not be without me and really enmeshed me.  At the time, I didn't see it (young and dumb).  PDs wear masks; that's why we have to forgive ourselves first.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven.
The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis

*

openskyblue

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 2345
Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2018, 12:28:32 PM »
I spent many years in my marriage to NPD (now thankfully) exhusband knowing absolutely that even though most parts of my life were rewarding -- job, friends, family, children, hobbies -- my relationship with my spouse was an abusive train wreck. I kept busy, spent more and more time away from my spouse, focused on my kids. For a long time, I could tell myself that was enough. Then, I got to the point where it was simply too painful to allow my spouse around me, because he was so abusive. And it was dangerous.

Even though I had so much good in my life, at a certain point I saw that I couldn't balance the bad coming from my spouse -- and that it was dangerous to me. I finally understood that if I stayed much longer, being married to him would kill me, not just emotionally, but literally kill me. My health had begun to spiral down after years of CPTSD and stress and I was getting  conditions leading to heart disease and diabetes.

Samuel S., I wish you would put steps in place to get out of this relationship. From what I've read over the years, your wife is using you and does not care about you. I hate to think of what might happen when you really needed her to show up for you.  You seem like a kind and compassionate man, and have certainly given this relationship more than your best shot. I worry for you.
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

*

sad_dog_mommy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 395
Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2018, 12:49:36 PM »
In my opinion I think we non-PDs get 'duped' because we are kind hearted, generous people.  So shame on anyone who takes advantage of that kindness!   Here is the good news.  We can recover and overcome the damage we sustained from a relationship with a person who has a personality disorder! 

Be kind to yourself and focus on YOU and that makes you happy.  I know it is easier said than done but it really makes a difference.



Ungrateful people complain about the one thing you haven't done instead of being thankful for the thousands of things you have.

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which rebuilt my life.  JK Rowling

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

*

LSK1999

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 432
Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2018, 10:47:22 PM »
While the whole concept of forgiveness is beautiful and from God...nowhere does God tell us to continue to forgive people that treat us horribly without repentance. Forgive almost killed me......sorry but this is the truth. I know now that God did not expect me to forgive people that continued to maliciously harm me. Despite their reasons....it is NOT OKAY....I have been researching this type of abuse for years and I am fully convinced that NPD's know what they do and are actually quite cunning in their actions. If you doubt this please read In Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon, it's my belief we have been misled to the truth of PD behavior in a way that further causes people to be harmed. This type of abuse will kill you and damage you deeply spiritually and psychologically....I'm walking proof. Each day, each year, when you finally become free has damaged you in ways you could never have imagined...you don't notice while your in it because your totally on eggshells all of the time trying to watch the PD and keep that under control.....your being harmed greatly whether you can see it now or not. God Bless and I hope you all find the truth that will set you free.

*

Samuel S.

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 921
Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #5 on: Yesterday at 01:24:59 AM »
I finally realized I was being used like one of you said. After returning back to our place where s has been studying all day, I asked her how her day went, and she said it went well. Then, she told me she saw how much my doctor bills have been lately. I immediately and tactfully said that I need to see my doctors to preserve my health to which she said nothing. I thought about her toxic remark when I was in the hospital about 4 years ago when she told me to leave the hospital due to the cost. Nevertheless, I didn’t, but I was really upset as I was tonight.

Later on this evening, she said she was dumb (her word) to say that, but I guess that was her way to apologize. I couldn’t look at her, and she said dinner was ready.

Later on, since I am good at English writing, she asked me to review something she had written. I promptly said yes and did it. Then, I felt used and manipulated. Bottom line, she wanted to say she was dumb so she could ask me to do a favor for her.

Again, I feel duped, manipulated, and used. I could kick myself for not saying no to her.

Now, I am not in the same room as she is. I don’t want to be in the same room as she. Now, I am glad she is going away for a long weekend this weekend so I can visit my friends and be around people who care and love me.

*

Samuel S.

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 921
Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #6 on: Yesterday at 11:25:02 AM »
I know she cannot apologize, and her only way to admit any wrong doing is to say she was dumb. Perhaps, I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Nevertheless, she has said some toxic, abusive things in the past. You would think she would have learned her lesson by now. Yeah, she’s a PD, and you know PDs only want what they want without any regard to others. Even when they are offended by someone, the world has collapsed and believe everyone needs to get on their hands and knees out of respect to them. Yeah, I am hurt.

*

openskyblue

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 2345
Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #7 on: Yesterday at 03:27:46 PM »
Sounds like you got hoovered. She said something cruel, realized it, then came and engaged you in the way she knows makes you feel better -- by having you do something productive to help her.

I posit this in the most charitable way possible: Rather than focus on her learning a lesson from all this, perhaps you should. She will continue to throw out these toxic zingers, and hoover you back. I know this pattern, because my ex worked it so well with me. And I fell for it every time for 20 years. He would treat me dreadfully, than beg me for help. As a consummate caretaker, I felt needed when he asked me a favor and that in doing so I could repair the rift. Sounds like crazy logic to me now, but that was before I was firmly OOTF.
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

*

vonmoot

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 290
    • Foolish Mutterings
Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #8 on: Yesterday at 03:40:41 PM »
Quote
While the whole concept of forgiveness is beautiful and from God...nowhere does God tell us to continue to forgive people that treat us horribly without repentance.

That's the problem, right?  Where's the repentance?  The penance?

We all have to make the decision to stay or go.  I used to be pretty adamant that one should stay.  Over the years, I've definitely softened that philosophy.

It is kind of horrible to think that the PD knows what he/she is doing.  Very disturbing.  I think one some level they do (I've seen my wife take advantage of someone and laugh about it).
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven.
The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis