I am mad at my self for being duped.

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Samuel S.

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I am mad at my self for being duped.
« on: October 11, 2018, 11:46:11 PM »
Yes, I am mad at myself for being duped by my PDw, being told she was the best thing in my life, being manipulated, being emotionally abused, being neglected, thinking she was going to change, and her hurting emotionally my side of the family and friends. Frankly, itís gone beyond all this. I am sad, angry, hurt, and I take it out on myself in different ways. Sure, I see a T. I keep myself occupied by being around others who are genuine and caring, but there is that empty spot in me that is void. Also, I struggle with trusting her and forgiving her. A religious friend of mine said I should forgive her, that it is her hurt that makes her hurt me. While I understand and empathize with her, I still am mad at myself for being duped and rarely standing up for myself.

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vonmoot

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Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2018, 11:22:56 AM »
I would say...forgive yourself.

When I was struggling to come Out of the FOG, I was pretty angry.  Mostly at myself for being duped and saddling myself with this person.  I hadn't realized how much I was NOT containing that anger, until my oldest came up to me and remarked that I seemed "bitter".  Hit me pretty hard.  I've since tried to work on letting go of the anger and bitterness.  Yes, forgiving the PD is important.  Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to feel its effects.  However, forgiving oneself is crucial.  Without it, one cannot dispassionately examine how they got into that situation and avoid it in the future.

PDs are master manipulators.  They will pull people in because we are decent.  When I look back after 25 years, there was only two red flags: she could not be without me and really enmeshed me.  At the time, I didn't see it (young and dumb).  PDs wear masks; that's why we have to forgive ourselves first.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven.
The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis

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openskyblue

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Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2018, 12:28:32 PM »
I spent many years in my marriage to NPD (now thankfully) exhusband knowing absolutely that even though most parts of my life were rewarding -- job, friends, family, children, hobbies -- my relationship with my spouse was an abusive train wreck. I kept busy, spent more and more time away from my spouse, focused on my kids. For a long time, I could tell myself that was enough. Then, I got to the point where it was simply too painful to allow my spouse around me, because he was so abusive. And it was dangerous.

Even though I had so much good in my life, at a certain point I saw that I couldn't balance the bad coming from my spouse -- and that it was dangerous to me. I finally understood that if I stayed much longer, being married to him would kill me, not just emotionally, but literally kill me. My health had begun to spiral down after years of CPTSD and stress and I was getting  conditions leading to heart disease and diabetes.

Samuel S., I wish you would put steps in place to get out of this relationship. From what I've read over the years, your wife is using you and does not care about you. I hate to think of what might happen when you really needed her to show up for you.  You seem like a kind and compassionate man, and have certainly given this relationship more than your best shot. I worry for you.
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2018, 12:49:36 PM »
In my opinion I think we non-PDs get 'duped' because we are kind hearted, generous people.  So shame on anyone who takes advantage of that kindness!   Here is the good news.  We can recover and overcome the damage we sustained from a relationship with a person who has a personality disorder! 

Be kind to yourself and focus on YOU and that makes you happy.  I know it is easier said than done but it really makes a difference.



Ungrateful people complain about the one thing you haven't done instead of being thankful for the thousands of things you have.

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which rebuilt my life.  JK Rowling

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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LSK1999

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Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2018, 10:47:22 PM »
While the whole concept of forgiveness is beautiful and from God...nowhere does God tell us to continue to forgive people that treat us horribly without repentance. Forgive almost killed me......sorry but this is the truth. I know now that God did not expect me to forgive people that continued to maliciously harm me. Despite their reasons....it is NOT OKAY....I have been researching this type of abuse for years and I am fully convinced that NPD's know what they do and are actually quite cunning in their actions. If you doubt this please read In Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon, it's my belief we have been misled to the truth of PD behavior in a way that further causes people to be harmed. This type of abuse will kill you and damage you deeply spiritually and psychologically....I'm walking proof. Each day, each year, when you finally become free has damaged you in ways you could never have imagined...you don't notice while your in it because your totally on eggshells all of the time trying to watch the PD and keep that under control.....your being harmed greatly whether you can see it now or not. God Bless and I hope you all find the truth that will set you free.

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Samuel S.

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Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2018, 01:24:59 AM »
I finally realized I was being used like one of you said. After returning back to our place where s has been studying all day, I asked her how her day went, and she said it went well. Then, she told me she saw how much my doctor bills have been lately. I immediately and tactfully said that I need to see my doctors to preserve my health to which she said nothing. I thought about her toxic remark when I was in the hospital about 4 years ago when she told me to leave the hospital due to the cost. Nevertheless, I didnít, but I was really upset as I was tonight.

Later on this evening, she said she was dumb (her word) to say that, but I guess that was her way to apologize. I couldnít look at her, and she said dinner was ready.

Later on, since I am good at English writing, she asked me to review something she had written. I promptly said yes and did it. Then, I felt used and manipulated. Bottom line, she wanted to say she was dumb so she could ask me to do a favor for her.

Again, I feel duped, manipulated, and used. I could kick myself for not saying no to her.

Now, I am not in the same room as she is. I donít want to be in the same room as she. Now, I am glad she is going away for a long weekend this weekend so I can visit my friends and be around people who care and love me.

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Samuel S.

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Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2018, 11:25:02 AM »
I know she cannot apologize, and her only way to admit any wrong doing is to say she was dumb. Perhaps, I shouldnít look a gift horse in the mouth. Nevertheless, she has said some toxic, abusive things in the past. You would think she would have learned her lesson by now. Yeah, sheís a PD, and you know PDs only want what they want without any regard to others. Even when they are offended by someone, the world has collapsed and believe everyone needs to get on their hands and knees out of respect to them. Yeah, I am hurt.

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openskyblue

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Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2018, 03:27:46 PM »
Sounds like you got hoovered. She said something cruel, realized it, then came and engaged you in the way she knows makes you feel better -- by having you do something productive to help her.

I posit this in the most charitable way possible: Rather than focus on her learning a lesson from all this, perhaps you should. She will continue to throw out these toxic zingers, and hoover you back. I know this pattern, because my ex worked it so well with me. And I fell for it every time for 20 years. He would treat me dreadfully, than beg me for help. As a consummate caretaker, I felt needed when he asked me a favor and that in doing so I could repair the rift. Sounds like crazy logic to me now, but that was before I was firmly OOTF.
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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vonmoot

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Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2018, 03:40:41 PM »
Quote
While the whole concept of forgiveness is beautiful and from God...nowhere does God tell us to continue to forgive people that treat us horribly without repentance.

That's the problem, right?  Where's the repentance?  The penance?

We all have to make the decision to stay or go.  I used to be pretty adamant that one should stay.  Over the years, I've definitely softened that philosophy.

It is kind of horrible to think that the PD knows what he/she is doing.  Very disturbing.  I think one some level they do (I've seen my wife take advantage of someone and laugh about it).
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven.
The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis

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Beachgirl

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Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2018, 05:42:44 PM »
Im learning; Forgive doesn't mean you have to keep living with the behavior. You just don't have to keep the pain of anger beyond using it as a means to make changes of your own. You can remember that they are ill and the behavior is part of the illness. You can recognize that you are not able to change another person until they decide to change. You can take steps to protect yourself. You can take steps to recover your own health. Letting go and forgiveness can wait until the recovery part of your process. It does not have to include forgetting. Finding peace is healthy. Abuse and chaos is not.
"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving". Eat, Pray, Love
♡INFJ & Protesting Colluder😉

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bgirl12

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Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #10 on: October 31, 2018, 02:32:48 AM »
I'm glad you have a friend that is listening to you and cares about you and the experience of your heart and life right now. I am sure they want to support you and see you through things as good as to be expected someday.
The fact about forgiveness is everyone can see it's usefulness but we never feel like it. We never will. And I get it. You are hurting right now. Deep hurts. And wounds don't go away ever fully sometimes. Forgiveness may help with that but it will help YOU the most. I want you to take care of you, and have patience with yourself and forgive yourself because it is not all your fault. You may be able to see some things differently now and that's cool.
I had a lot of hurts to forgive in my life that we dragging me down. Some of my healing was taking like 10 and 20 years and I was still upset and broken over it. I do think it is good for some time to pass, but for me too much time had passed and I was so hurt I thought I could never forgive and avoided it.
I went through the book The Seven steps to Freedom in Christ by Neill Anderson. There is a section in there that helps you understand and go through forgiveness towards the perpetrators of your hurts. I sat in a room with a religious acquaintance who was trained in this ministry and I went through the very short steps in this chapter on Forgiveness. I did all the work and they supported me and kept me on track. I had to make a list of everyone I needed to forgive and what they did to me and how it made me feel. I had an easy time making a very very very long list and an even longer list of all the things they did. I had a hard time writing down how it made me feel. I had to sit with myself and think about how it made me feel, for example, when an ex boyfriend cheated on me. I gave my pain names for the first time. I had to give an emotion to what it felt like to be lied to and used and stolen from. I said "God, I forgive [name] for lying to me about where he was, what he was doing, and for cheating. It made me feel used, like a piece of nothing, it betrayed my trust in him, it ruined everything we had, I felt alone, lost, devastated, depressed...." I was led by a counselor to say out loud one at a time I forgive them for these things and ask god for healing. I was able on my own with no suggestion to ask God to forgive and bless an ex that date raped me and I never told anyone. I said if he didn't have god in his life, I wished that he did and I asked God to bless him. I can't tell you what came over me, but I hated that particular ex for 10 years and wanted to scream inside. I still regret and wish it was different but what can you do? I could not ask all of them to be blessed but this one I could and it was one of the craziest things I had to endure in life. And I walked out of that church office a different person. I still have an ache when I think about how happy we once were. I regret every dating him, but I cannot go back in time. But the sting is gone. The depression and self hatred is gone. Now, if you are not religious, it's cool. but you can buy the book online for cheap or go to a local church that has counselors or meet with your friend to verbalize and get out what they made you feel. Once you can do that, you may, I am not the judge here, but you may find some relief. It is not ok what she did. It will never be ok. You have to repair you and go on with your life. That is what forgiveness did for me. I would never trust some of those people again and when I see the likes of them coming again I set boundaries or get away. Your heart is important and what you are healing from matters. You did nothing to deserve it. And I can promise you that there is hope. Do not feel pressured to do anything, but I do encourage you to write down the pain and outloud say you forgive her. Do not tell her, just say it, when you feel like digging into what it really did to you. She doesn't have to be present. Forgiveness can happen even if there is no chance of making amends. Again, you still won't like what they did and will still have healing, but I encourage you to think and read and explore the topic and tools of forgiveness. There are people from all walks of life and experiences who have great tools for recovery so keep going. I hope this helps.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #11 on: November 16, 2018, 01:10:01 PM »
Being angry at myself for wasting g decades of my life was a big part of my healing process. 

Now I live more for me and mess for everyone else and am healing from the abuse.  And at the same time I still do a lot for others.   I take short mission trips to help people who are is worse shape while dealing with the aftermath or abuse by pd people. 

I am over time taking better of myself holistically. 

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blunk

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Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #12 on: November 16, 2018, 03:46:17 PM »
One of my biggest lightbulb moments came when my BPDxh asked for my forgiveness for the umpteenth time for an incident that had repeated itself. I told him that I had not decided yet whether I would forgive him, and that if I was going to I needed his promise that he would not do the same thing again. He said, I won't promise you that because if I do then you'll hold my feet to the fire when I do it again. It was in that moment that I realized, if he doesn't believe that he can stop hurting me...why should I?

After having this conversation I was watching tv and an old MASH rerun was on (I've told this story before, so please forgive me if you've already heard this). In the episode a soldier was posing as his dead friend who was scheduled to be sent home the following day. He confessed to the father and the father advised him to come clean. The soldier refused and asked for forgiveness. The father's answer was, I cannot forgive you for a sin you do not intend to stop committing. I was sitting on the couch sobbing like a child, a silly source but it was the perfect analogy for my situation.

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linuxman

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Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #13 on: November 26, 2018, 10:17:42 PM »
I felt the same way. I had somewhat locked myself away from people and their drama. Having depth and understanding of people was a curse. Sometimes I with I could've learned to just be shallow. I got pulled out of that shell as if I had no walls up. I was the kind of person who was caring and always seemed to be taken advantage of. I just didn't fit into the social stereotype. Then She comes along and I felt completely open. I could say things without feeling weird or sensitive. She just mirrored my personality.

Then the reality came and it just wrecked my mind because I never saw it coming. I didn't understand how I ended up where I ended up. How could two people who seemed to be the same and found this fairy tale situation end up being total strangers in the end. The ghosting and the attitude towards me at the end. We have to work together and that was hard. I could not grasp how much resentment she had. I felt like I was just a step above used coffee grounds. The effects of that were profound. I felt like a fool for falling into this. It has gotten better after researching but still sickens me to see her everyday. I just avoid her at all costs now. Have to or the anxiety just consumes me. 

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Highcountry

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Re: I am mad at my self for being duped.
« Reply #14 on: November 27, 2018, 09:34:07 PM »
My wife has fooled the whole town.  They think that she is a saint.  They study people and find their weaknesses, which we all have and start working on digging into those wounds.  What if these people are children of the devil and use witchcraft to ensnare and sucker people?  I know that this is not politically correct to say, but there it is.  May we all find love and peace in this life.