any book recommendations on outsmarting PD's?

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eternallystuck

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any book recommendations on outsmarting PD's?
« on: October 16, 2018, 08:56:29 PM »
Hello, not sure if this is the appropriate section to post but I was wondering if anyone has read any helpful books on learning to protect oneself from harmful PD's...i.e to deflect their attention away from us or to outsmart them?

I feel like hey its great to have empathy & hyper-vigilance towards PD traits in people, but in many ways it just overwhelms me more, I get super anxious wondering to what extent this person is NPD , BPD etc/ what game they're trying to play & end up probably making myself more of a target as I'm visibly unnerved by their false mask LOL. I feel like I know how to recognise someone is off  but I'm still not very good at managing not to get drawn into their BS or falling into one of their carefully constructed boobie traps.

I would like to become more informed on how to spot them & take back control BEFORE they ruin my life as everyone at some point has to work or be in the vicinity of a pd person at some point in their lives. I did try reading 'games people play' a while back but found the structure of the book was quite obtuse

Any recommendations welcome:)!!!

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all4peace

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Re: any book recommendations on outsmarting PD's?
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2018, 12:16:04 AM »
I would call it "outsmarting PDs," but I believe that having healthy boundaries for one's self is a great place from which to live a healthy life. Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend was one of the best books I started with when coming OOTF. When you are clear about your own boundaries, you don't need to worry about figuring other people out, anticipating what they might do, trying to figure out their intentions. You simply know what you will or will not accept or deal with, and you go from there.

My T has me reading Verbal Judo right now, which is about having better tactics for dealing with difficult people in conversation.


George Simon has some good books about character disordered people. I think one is called In Sheep's Clothing. Good luck!

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eternallystuck

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Re: any book recommendations on outsmarting PD's?
« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2018, 10:04:02 PM »
Thanks all4peace:)

Verbal Judo seems exactly what I need! That is what I struggle with, I will sometimes sort of stumble/freeze with anxiety on what to say if I'm alarmed by someone or I'll feel small & my facial expressions will blatantly show I am affected. I've noticed things that don't bother other people tend to linger on me. So some of it may be due to hypersensitivity..which I'm not surprised by given my abrasive over critical M. So I think having some stock lines for people that trigger me would be great.

I think you make a good point about boundaries...I was recently considering this as I was worrying about a difficult manager at work who set off some alarm bells...I was getting very flustered wondering what if she tries to get me sacked or it escalates...&then I said to myself..see how it goes..if it becomes an intrusive problem..do not tolerate it..move jobs! Boundary established!

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treesgrowslowly

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Re: any book recommendations on outsmarting PD's?
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2018, 01:03:25 PM »
The books on being Sensitive by Elaine Aron helped me quite a bit.

At this point, where I'm at with people is that when someone does something that triggers me, I deal with it without getting them involved. Years ago I read some of Pema Chodron's books and watched some of her videos. I don't follow Buddhism and she is a Buddhist, but she does have a video / writing about hooks. People get their hooks into us by saying or doing something that triggers us. I found that particular explanation / analogy helpful because I spent years not feeling like I knew how to deal with this when it happened.

Now I know, thanks to those books, and also the various items I've read about how mindfulness is about slowing down, that when someone triggers me, the solution doens't come from telling them or letting them know they've triggered me. I have to go and do 2 things. First I have to address the emotions that came up. I have to respect that their behaviour triggered an emotional reaction in me, and I have to go deal with that the best I can. Then I have to figure out if I need to do anything in regards to that person. This is situation dependent.

When it is someone who we are going to see regularly whether we want to or not, which is more what you describe, then I consider what my role entails. I had a job I had to leave because the person in charge was actively handicapping my ability to do my job. Other than that time though, the work I do to avoid PDs is to take good care of myself so that I'm not around them as often, and when I am, I don't feel much need to entertain or accommodate them. But that can be job dependent. In some jobs, we're expected to do things to enable the PDs around us and that is really hard to navigate.

Tolerating someone whose behaviour is annoying at times, is not the same thing as having to enable PD behaviour. A lot of people's behaviours remind me of the behaviours of my PD family members. That doesn't mean those people are PD. But it doesn't mean I'll enjoy being around them either.

Being sensitive, I'm going to be able to pick up on things others do not. This is where the books by Elaine Aron helped me. Picking up on those things makes me special, as she says. Taking breaks from the world of people is essential for sensitive people. She has a documentary as well if you can find it as it is hard to find. I think her books helped me 'outsmart' PDs by giving me confidence in myself because I would say that every PD family member I have has told me i'm "too sensitive" and now I know 3 things about being a sensitive person:

1. Its good to be sensitive, but its not easy.
2. Narcissists target sensitive people.
3. Sensitive people get told they are "too sensitive" by people who are projecting or gaslighting.

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NoVoice357

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Re: any book recommendations on outsmarting PD's?
« Reply #4 on: December 02, 2018, 08:12:49 AM »
Hello eternallystuck,

I used to get very anxious and felt overwhelmed because I did not know what I was dealing with.

I would recommend H G Tudor's books because he has been officially diagnosed with a NPD and knows what he is talking about. Writing books about narcissism is part of his therapy. Understanding the concept of Fuel (narcissistic supply) is very important. I wrote a review about this book.
Red flags, Black Flag and Danger are about warning signs. You will learn how to detect full-blown NPDs and highly narcissistic people at an early stage and how to protect yourself from them before it is too late. These books are not expensive and include helpful advice as to what (not) to do. All of them are available on Amazon. There are also many insightful articles on his blog https://narcsite.com