18 year old daughter newly diagnosed BPD

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flcota

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18 year old daughter newly diagnosed BPD
« on: October 28, 2018, 12:09:30 AM »
I was told my daughter had traits of BPD a few years back but we seemed to have it somewhat under control during high school. I kept things routine and had her involved in sports and clubs whether she really wanted to or not. When forced to participate she seemed to really be enjoying herself. Following hs I sent her to a camp for three weeks that was supposed to be for kids addicted to cell phones and it was a waste, except for the routine part she was forced to utilize healthier habits and be off the technology but picked up worse habits and ideas from other kids there.

 Fast forward to her starting college this past August and she's living in a dorm even though its only about 35 minutes away, her therapist thought it would be essential for her growth. Its turning out to be a disaster. Aside from hating her roommate and many other complaints, she has now started saying she's transgender and wants to start hormone replacement therapy and we should pay for this? First of all if I believed she was transgender, we would deal with this but according to her therapist this is all attention seeking amongst other issues.

She has made all these crazy internet friends and has started so much drama and toxic relationships through that its not even funny. She's a different person without that phone as well. As far as HRT, she can't even take prednisone for mono because she went into steroid rage. I believe she would really benefit from having a job but no one will hire her since she's so quiet and withdrawn.

 Has  anyone had experience with a BDP being successful in college? Her therapist says treatment centers wouldn't help her because she'd get worse ideas from the others there since she'd be grouped with adults. I don't even know how I'd pay for one but I do want to get her the help she needs. Right now she has a prn med for anxiety and when she's tried lexapro and prozac before she reported feeling suicidal (for real). I am saying that because she threatens it all the time when she doesn't get her own way. I would appreciate any feedback from anyone with similar issues. I cant sleep and am barely functioning to work with all of this going on. Thanks for any input
« Last Edit: October 29, 2018, 03:37:44 PM by coyote »

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momnthefog

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Re: 18 year old daughter newly diagnosed BPD
« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2018, 01:52:08 PM »
Hi flcota,

Welcome to OOTF.  I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.  I have a d who was dx with BPD in late teens as well.  It's been 10 years and it's still a roller coaster.  But it has gotten better as she lives 5 hours away.

The T who is prescribing the meds......has that T given her a dx?  If so, is it BPD?

Your daughter is an adult, even though she is not acting like one.  Does she recognize a pattern to her behavior?  Does she want to change or help herself? 

In many ways it's like dealing with addiction....unless the person identifies they have a problem and wants to fix it.....nothing changes.  No matter how much a mom wants her to change or how much we want to rescue them from themselves and their bad decisions. 

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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coyote

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Re: 18 year old daughter newly diagnosed BPD
« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2018, 03:47:34 PM »
Welcome to OOTF,
I edited your post but only to break it up into paragraphs. You have a touching story and I wanted to be sure other readers got the whole picture. I don't have a lot of advice having kids but none with PD. It must be heartbreaking since we have no control over others and loathe to see our kids fall.

The Toolbox is where a lot of us start. You will get a lot of feedback and support on the boards. I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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momnthefog

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Re: 18 year old daughter newly diagnosed BPD
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2018, 08:08:25 PM »
Flcota...i forgot to add this....please join us on the Parents Board.

Momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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flcota

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Re: 18 year old daughter newly diagnosed BPD
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2018, 10:20:13 PM »
Thank you for editing and thank you for your response. She currently has anxiety meds that were prn and rarely used and now seems to be taking 2 a day since going to college and having such poor coping skills. I was contacted today by a school counselor she went to, but she also didn't like that counselor. No surprise, when someone doesn't say what she likes to hear or holds her accountable its a hate fest. I wanted her to have a contact at school to turn to also and apparently they offer a lot of groups there but she needs to be open to receive. The T today mentioned anxiety and depression medicines taken daily and she had tried 2 different one and complained that they made her feel suicidal. Maybe its time to try a different one?

Sometimes she has such clarity and when she follows a routine and healthy habits she does pretty well. One thing that is bizarre to me is its like she's addicted to the cell phone and all these internet friends. I can barely sleep and would rather stay in bed and cry but I know I need to be a good example and hope that even if she won't listen to me she will see my behaviors and learn from them. I am  so glad to have found this page because I have been feeling so alone in all of this and my husband can be supportive but he's currently been gone helping hurricane relief in the Pan Handle. He is supposed to be home this weekend but she always comes after me with every problem. He doesn't put up with her nonsense.

I am trying to take a step back Out of the FOG. Sometimes its really hard, she's always been such a good girl and never gave me any trouble. Her latest thing now is that she dislikes herself so much that she believes she is transgender. Her therapist says she doesn't display anything that would indicate that and she is just attention seeking. I'm afraid to ask what's next? How can I find the parents page? Thanks again so much

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Latchkey

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Re: 18 year old daughter newly diagnosed BPD
« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2018, 01:08:49 AM »
Hi flcota,

The Parents Discussion board is just below here:
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=5.0

I am a parent of two D's 19 and 21. There are many of my friend's children and some that are a bit older that have fully embraced Transgender identities. One of my daughter's identifies as bi but both are cisgender (a person whose sense of personal identity and gender corresponds with their birth sex.) I'm cisgender as well. It is a confusing world and I'd suggest not dismissing it out of hand as attention seeking and doing some research on your own. CNN just did a great program on it. Here is an article: https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/06/health/teens-gender-nonconforming-study-trnd/index.html

This is not to say you have to agree to hormone therapy tomorrow or anything like that. I do recommend finding a T that does understand the LGBTQ community and how a parent can approach this with their child. I'm also wondering why her therapist is not recommending something like DBT outpatient. Dialectical Behavior Therapy is one of the main treatments for BPD and often used in therapy of teens. There are many good treatment centers with kids your D's age.

Also, as far as college and BPD, I think if the college has a lot of support or your D has outside support it is completely possible for them to attend and do well. However as stress tends to trigger BPD it is important to allow for possibly a longer time to complete their studies and a course of study that is not extremely demanding unless they are stabilized very well.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story.

Best,
Latchkey

« Last Edit: October 30, 2018, 01:21:29 AM by Latchkey »
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flcota

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Re: 18 year old daughter newly diagnosed BPD
« Reply #6 on: November 06, 2018, 12:50:06 AM »
So thank you for your input and I did read the article and watch the video. There are additional reasons that I wrote attention seeking and please know that while I acknowledge that transgender and gender neutral exist, after many years with her T and no signs what so ever of anything of that nature. combined with multiple childhood traumas were the reasons for my responding that way. I do believe she is not certain as to her sexual orientation but I would surmise she is bi at this time and has very little experience to go on. Her T always says when she has friends she is happy being "insert her birth name" but she is miserable since assuming this new online identity.
It's just so frustrating, my parents came to visit to help out and she is now treating them horribly and is so ungrateful and they are heartbroken over this. My husband is basically over it so it causes a rift at times, which is what my D loves to do cause chaos. As far as her treatments her college has a lot to offer and we are just now finding all of that out since she was technically recently diagnosed. They offer DBT groups but these won't start again until next semester, also coping groups and individual therapy. Her college therapist whom she is only seeing for the second time this week has already collaborated with her T and they are on the same page, which will help. I just can't help feeling so terrible that she is missing out on some of the best times of her life and selfishly, we as her parents are as well. I don't understand where this BPD even comes from or is it a realist of some of the traumas I referred to?

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Latchkey

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Re: 18 year old daughter newly diagnosed BPD
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2018, 01:43:04 AM »
HI flcota,
I think with BPD there is a lot of "feelings equal facts" going on. So if she feels transgender or cisgender now then that is what she is now. It could change 5 minutes from now or 5 months. There is definitely a lot going on with kids having online personas so I don't think you are wrong in that either. Yes, Trauma can be a part of it-but It's too hard to figure out definitively and impossible to know what was environment and what part was genetics but the best and latest science that I've seen says there is a fair portion of both.  What you can do is give yourself a break now that she is at college and you have diagnosis. A lot of what we do here is support parents with adult children with PDs in their own healing. Being a parent of a PD child is very tough and you need to keep your oxygen mask on so to speak.

There are some great videos on Youtube by Dr. Blaise Aguirre where he talks about BPD (and how it might appear in children and teens) that I'd encourage you to watch.

We are here for you....

Latchkey

Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
-
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.