My response to abuse...

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Phantom Muse

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My response to abuse...
« on: November 02, 2018, 11:53:25 AM »
Hi, All. 

I've been posting for some time now about my uNBPDso, as I've been through the wringer with him.  This week, I have felt a shift regarding how I see him and how I see myself.  We had a terrible weekend together this past week (he verbally attacked me, verbally threatened my physical safety, and damaged my car), and since then it's been a struggle just to get out of bed.  I am moving so slowly, and I don't want to talk with anyone—friends or family. Before my relationship with this guy, I was such an optimistic, active, self-assured woman.  I hardly recognize myself anymore.  These days, I see very little hopefulness for my future; I go to work (the kind of work I enjoy and am blessed to do) then head home and eat dinner late at night by myself.  The next day, it's the same.  I can't believe this is my life now.

I guess I just needed to share—it's been a tough morning—but I also want to share with those who also experience repeated abuse over the course of time that it can change you.  I am so very sorry for all of us who experience it. 

Blessings to you all. ~PM


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Buzz2406

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Re: My response to abuse...
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2018, 01:17:45 PM »
Hi PM,

I so wish that I could be there with you to talk and have a chat face to face over a coffee but that is not to be. I really feel how low you are at the moment and right now would suggest that you need some support for yourself right now. Have you anyone else close that can do that for you? At the very least I would suggest that you need to see a Doctor just to make sure that you aren't getting depressed in which case you may choose to get some help that way.

Its difficult, I know. I have hit some really low points myself but eventually IME you can come out the other side and feel stronger. I will get back to you later (Don't tell anyone but I'm at work right now) when I have a bit more time but felt that I needed to acknowledge how you are feeling.

Love and light

Buzz

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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: My response to abuse...
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2018, 01:54:54 PM »
Be kind to yourself.  Living with a person who has a personality disorder is emotionally exhausting and can really take a toll on our (nonPD) physical and mental health.    I subscribe to the theory that misery loves company.  PDs are soooo unhappy they cannot stand for the people around them to be happy, successful or admired which manifests itself in projected anger and jealousy.

Do you see a therapist?  Or do you write in a journal?  Spend a little time each day doing something just for you.  (( hug ))

Ungrateful people complain about the one thing you haven't done instead of being thankful for the thousands of things you have.

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which rebuilt my life.  JK Rowling

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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coyote

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Re: My response to abuse...
« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2018, 02:47:32 PM »
Repeated abuse or trauma over time can actually change the pathways and chemistry in the brain. Not a good thing at all.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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Phantom Muse

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Re: My response to abuse...
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2018, 08:03:52 AM »
Thank you so much for your kind and helpful responses.

Last night, my uNBPDso and I went to a movie, and he became irritated with another patron there because the fellow was making some noise.  My SO sat stewing for over two hours about it as we watched the film.  After the film was over, he took his frustration and anger out on me. 

He first completely ignored me—as if I wasn't there. Then he started acting and speaking very strangely—whimpering, screaming at me, and everything in between. He physically got in my face and told me to get away from him.  He screamed so many degrading and hateful things at me—that I was an abuser, that he hated the sound of my voice, and that he didn't care if he ever saw me again.

I thought he might harm himself (he attempted suicide in 2015), so I took his medication from his side table.  That was his method before—and I don't think he would cut himself or anything like that—so I guess I thought I was doing the right thing.  I don't even know anymore. 

I didn't think I could feel worse than I have been feeling; is this what it looks like when they finally fully lose it and throw you to the curb?  Selfishly, I am torn between feeling heartbroken for the fact that he's clearly discarded me and that I can't imagine he can ever bounce back and create a healthy life.  He won't manage alone, and I doubt he will fare much better with a new woman after her newness wears off.

I really can't believe my life has spun so far out of control only to reach such a horrible low.  I truly wish I'd never met him again (we dated for three years in high school many years ago).  Now, I have to find a way to get through this, and I don't really know how to do that and hold it all together.  Thanks for listening; it's been a very tough week. 

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Samuel S.

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Re: My response to abuse...
« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2018, 12:54:33 PM »
Dear PM, the different forms of abuse you are experiencing are both traumatic and not deserved! The different behaviors he has done only show that he is unstable and very debilitating for you. The fact that he has been physically aggressive with you is inhumane and illegal!

What have you done to protect yourself? Have you discussed your situation with others?

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Phantom Muse

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Re: My response to abuse...
« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2018, 01:05:54 PM »
Hi, Samuel—Thank you for your response.

Yes; I have told others (a few of my closest friends and his sister).  They have been very supportive of me.  We agree (his sister included) that he is unstable and might be getting to a place where he could really explode.  His sister tells me I need to put down stronger boundaries (which I agree with) to the effect that unless he chooses to get care for his issues (probably needs therapy for his behavior and likely medication for his depression), I will not engage with him at all.  I can't imagine he will get help, though. His sister doesn't really understand trauma bonds and codependence, but that boundary would protect me, for sure.  But, it can be so difficult for me to follow-through. I am "in the hole" regarding my self-esteem right now, so that's getting in the way of dealing with this well.  It seems to have been his goal anyway to "knock me down" because then I will never have the gumption to leave, right?

I do have trouble enforcing consequences; I am getting better at it, but I am not as good as I need to be.  I think I should go back to therapy—but this time find someone who understands PDs and abuse. 

Thanks for checking in, Samuel, and I am wishing you the best as you navigate your health issue.  :bighug:

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Samuel S.

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Re: My response to abuse...
« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2018, 10:52:52 PM »
No matter what, you deserve to have love and respect and to live without being fearful. I encourage you to seek a T as you mentioned to pour your heart and soul and to come up with solutions that work for you.

Thank you for caring about my health concern. I have an MRI and an ultrasound at the end of the month. If the pain accentuates, I will go to the doctor right away. Right now, it is less, but it hasn’t gone away, though.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: My response to abuse...
« Reply #8 on: November 05, 2018, 04:07:58 AM »
PM sounds like he behaves worse recently.  Is there any way, you can get some space from him for a while?  And with that I mean, true space - no talking to him, no thinking about him?
I also come home to an empty flat every evening and sometimes I feel sad about that and sometimes I am so happy that I have a place where it is peaceful and quiet, and I can listen to music I enjoy, and just hang about, doing very little, and nobody to criticise me for it. This is not how I hoped my life would be, I hoped I would be in a mutually supportive relationship. But it did not work out that way. Being with my NPDh however,  prevented me from looking and finding such a nourishing relationship, if it ever was in my stars....

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1footouttadefog

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Re: My response to abuse...
« Reply #9 on: November 19, 2018, 01:12:43 AM »
Quote:
  Selfishly, I am torn between feeling heartbroken for the fact that he's clearly discarded me and that I can't imagine he can ever bounce back and create a healthy life.  He won't manage alone, and I doubt he will fare much better with a new woman after her newness wears off.
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It's not selfish to be heartbroken, you are allowed to feel.  It's human to do so.  It's also appropriate to grieve the apparent loss of the relationship, or, being discarded.

He will bounce or not bounce according to his mental illness.  It's not based on you.  A cancer patient or a diabetic,  does not change diagnoses  when they breakup with someone. 

It's not your fault he is mentally ill.  You do not control his disorder. You do however have control over being his victim now and in the future. 

One way to look at the new woman idea is that it could buy him time to seek help instead or continuing on his current trajectory.  Either way it's not for you to try and control.

If you are at risk, address that issue.