No Contact means No Contact even in sad circumstances

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Foxbrown

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No Contact means No Contact even in sad circumstances
« on: November 05, 2018, 01:14:47 PM »
Hi all.

So I am struggling a bit today. I have been NC with NPD Mother since July this year and vvlc with En father for the same time. 3 weeks ago I sent a text to my father asking him to stop messaging me and that I need some space and that I will be in touch when I am ready. I asked for this space as every time I got a text/email I went into a panic attack and it would set me back for days. I am really enjoying the NC and am starting to see life through different eyes. I am 100% certain that I can no longer have a relationship with either of my parents or GC sibling as the abuse, to me, was just too traumatic. The effects of CPTSD have been so debilitating to me and I am determined to recover as best I can, this would be impossible if I were to remain in contact with my foo. I am determined to break the cycle of abuse and not let my child be raised in dysfunction.

I have previously thought I would like to remain in contact with EN Father, as I do love him. He has never been my main abuser, and I kind of feel sorry for him. BUT, over the last 3 weeks of being NC i have been getting more and more angry at him. Even though he didn't abuse me the way in which my NPD mother did, he allowed this to happen....he didn't protect me. He sacrificed his own child to save himself. He threw me into the lions den to prevent the abuse being directed at him. It's only now that I can see the enabler as just as guilty as the abuser. I am even more hurt by this than my NPD Mothers treatment of me. When I look at my child, I know in an instant I would take a bullet for him. I would never, ever allow my child to face any sort of abuse. My dad should have felt that way about me, but he chose himself and my NPD mother.

So, here is the tricky bit. En Father has an illness that he has just started treatment for. Obviously the whole family is expecting me to drop the NC act and get in touch to see how he is, how NPD mother is coping etc etc. I had a flying monkey last night attack me abusively, which I have managed to ignore and not let get to me as said flying monkey is not of sound character and is disliked within the family anyway. I then had a "do gooder" flying monkey get in touch today with the life's too short, family is everything talk. Again, as said flying monkey is a good person and genuinely trying to help im not letting that get to me either. I can just picture NPD mother sat at her phone sending out the "poor me, poor us!! Foxbrown is estranging herself from us in our time of need" blanket text to all and sundry, so I am expecting more of this over the coming weeks Urghhhhh!

None of these people have any idea of what is really going on.  I obviously can't explain either!

I think what I am after here is validation that I am allowed to remain NC even though my en Father is unwell and having treatment. I am not remaining NC out of spite, nor out of pride. It is to continue to protect myself and my young family from future abuse. I think this is the greatest proof to myself that I am finally putting ME first and doing what I need to do to get better and live a happier, safer, more peaceful life. Surely I am allowed that even if it is at the expense of someone else's happiness? I shouldn't have to subject myself to more hurt or harm to make someone else's life more manageable should I?




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Starboard Song

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Re: No Contact means No Contact even in sad circumstances
« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2018, 01:51:52 PM »
Correct Title is Correct: NC means NC even in sad circumstances.

Some people with whom we must be NC really don't care so much. Most, from what I can see, fly into some level of rage and despair: they are truly shocked and saddened by our decision, and feel -- sincerely feel -- tortured by our decision. This objectively cannot change our decision, though our sympathy for them often makes the denizens of this forum struggle with guilt and inner turmoil.

From the moment NC becomes our path, it is true that these folks will face trauma: they might lose a job, or go through a divorce. They may be in a car accident, or have a house fire. And one day they will die, fast or slow.

I have a hard time believing that any of these traumas are different than the despair they express at the beginning of NC: until they have a transformational change -- and maybe not even then -- we have made a decision that they are so harmful to our well-being that they must be excluded from our lives.

Thousands of old folks will die or lose a spouse today. Millions right this moment are in need of elder care. And like my in-laws they are not my charge and I will neither be supporting any of those millions, nor will I feel guilty about them. My job is to care for my own loving parents, and for some neighbors in need. These people who hate and abuse me will need -- perforce -- to go elsewhere for their care and support.

I commend your conscience. Feeling a bit of conflict means you are being loving and human: you do not see people in black and white. I share my own emotional stance, with regard to my in-laws, to let you know that if you choose a path of continued NC, you will not be alone and will not be universally judged. I will support you.

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Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason

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Bloomie

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Re: No Contact means No Contact even in sad circumstances
« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2018, 09:28:35 PM »
Foxbrown - I am really sorry that you have been so triggered by recent contact with your dad and have experienced FMs who are truly overstepping and crossing boundaries by interfering in things that are not their "side of the street" as we say around here.

I just love this quote that wisely points out the difference between hurting and harming another person from our hero member and moderator all4peace from another post from awhile back:

Quote from: all4peace
I learned in therapy the difference between "hurt" and "harm." It was a vital lesson for me, as my unwillingness to hurt others (with words of truth, distance, boundaries) was doing tremendous harm to me, my family and even them as they forever lived without the consequences of their behavior.

I honestly believe that the only one who can say what/when/how circumstances impact your current level of contact with your family/father is you. We only see a small snap shot of your life and all that contact entails and ultimately we do not live with the consequences of these important choices. As Starboard Song says there will be those that judge no matter our choice along the level of contact spectrum - they have not lived our lives and we owe them no explanation.

You do not have to make a forever decision about contact imv. Do what is best and right for you right now and over time and what will bring you the most peace. And we are here to support you as you make those decisions. :hug:
Bloomie 🌸

The reality is that you cannot have an emotionally mature reciprocal mutual adult relationship with someone who is not emotionally and psychologically an adult.

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Kiki81

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Re: No Contact means No Contact even in sad circumstances
« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2018, 01:13:24 AM »
Yes.

No Contact means news of them and their life events does not reach us to destroy our hard-earned peace and serenity. This is why I blocked my Narents in every conceiveable way and had to cut loose FMs which, due to my Narents' underhandedness, also include my dentist and my dermatologist.

I know you'll figure out just how to customize No Contact to make it work best for you.

I have no idea what is going on with my 88-year-old parents. Zero. I assume they are working through all the issues that come with being 88 years old and in the Rolls Royce of Continuing Care Retirement Communities ("Who am I going to play bridge with today?" "My filet was not cooked exactly as I like it cooked," and then of course the long roll call of the people my father CANNOT STAND  :no:)

My beloved 16-year-old Westie had to be euthanized last Wednesday. My DH and I made the decision based solely on what was best for him, we made the arrangements, we drove him there on the worst day of our lives, we held him while the drugs were administered, I laid his body on the soft blanket, we stayed with him for a time, then our trusted vet tech took over staying with him until the pet crematory came to pick him up. We are wrecked but we are comforted that he knew not one minute of pain, anxiety or strangers at this time or being alone. WE MADE SURE everything was perfect for him, like we did every day of his life. We made it our top priority, our business, our love showed one last time.

As I sat and cried at home, I thought: I won't have to do ANYTHING AT ALL when my parents die. NOT ONE THING. All the people who mattered more than I did, THEY can make all the decisions, they can hold the withered nasty claw until the Grim Reaper comes for them. They can figure out what kind of funeral if any, disposal (my parents would NEVER consider making their own final arrangements OR even just tell me what they wanted! They used to laugh when I asked them what I could do to give them what they wanted, they used to laff and say "That'll be YOUR problem, tough to be you!") attire, obituaries, etc etc etc. NONE OF IT IS MY PROBLEM OR CONCERN ANY MORE!

And if my NC work holds, I will never even have to know that they are dead. TRUE NO CONTACT.

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Kiki81

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Re: No Contact means No Contact even in sad circumstances
« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2018, 01:16:48 AM »
Did not mean to threadjack.

Bloomie has it: What is best for *you.* That's what you do. Its time to take care of yourself first, because no one else has that unique task and privilege. You are fully supported here and it may surprise you the number of people you come across who support you as well.

The people who don't support you? Well, that's okay, you're not responsible for one scintilla of their expectations.

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KeepONKeepingON

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Re: No Contact means No Contact even in sad circumstances
« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2018, 01:36:41 AM »
I have previously thought I would like to remain in contact with EN Father, as I do love him. He has never been my main abuser, and I kind of feel sorry for him. BUT, over the last 3 weeks of being NC i have been getting more and more angry at him. Even though he didn't abuse me the way in which my NPD mother did, he allowed this to happen....he didn't protect me. He sacrificed his own child to save himself. He threw me into the lions den to prevent the abuse being directed at him. It's only now that I can see the enabler as just as guilty as the abuser. I am even more hurt by this than my NPD Mothers treatment of me. When I look at my child, I know in an instant I would take a bullet for him. I would never, ever allow my child to face any sort of abuse. My dad should have felt that way about me, but he chose himself and my NPD mother.


 :yeahthat:

Hi Foxbrown, I am sorry that you have to deal with this situation. I have very similiar feelings about my father.

I think you are right, you need to prioritise your mental health and protect yourself & your family. If that means being NC with your FOO in this situation, that's the right thing for you to do. It sounds like your father has plenty of people to care for him too.

IMO I don't think you owe abusive parents anything. IME so much of my happiness and childhood was sacrificed to make them feel better that while I feel sorry for my parents, I don't want any interaction with my BPD mother and am LC with my enfather.

Take care  :bighug:

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Foxbrown

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Re: No Contact means No Contact even in sad circumstances
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2018, 09:17:49 AM »
Thank you all for your support.

I am starting to feel the guilt getting to me, so going to chat with my therapist this afternoon to see if she can help me come to a decision about what I should do. My Dad has plenty of support, my parents are very sociable people with a whole crowd of people around them, all of which no doubt will be buying into the smear campaign NPD mother is launching against me. It's the fear that getting in touch to offer support ( although I don't understand how I can offer support, other than a brief message of kind words perhaps? ) that these supporters will use as a way of abusing me further.

When my father was first diagnosed with his illness at the beginning of the summer, I phoned up and got his scan wait time bought forward from 4 weeks to 48 hours. I spent the best part of my morning trying to arrange this as it wasn't easy and involved a lot of being passed from pillar to post, contacting different hospitals that offer this particular scan, tooing and froing between NHS and private and when I managed to pull it off I heard not one word from my foo to say thanks or well done, good thinking foxbrown! NPD mother hadn't tried to do this herself ( even though she was apparantly beside herself with worry and money is not an issue for them at all, going private was my first thought when I heard it was such a long wait to get a scan )  :roll: ) My Father was grateful, however NPD mother and GC sib just completely ignored I had done this. This was my proof that it didn't matter what I did, I would still be bad. It's for this reason I don't want to put myself out there again and set my recovery back when even when I do good it will either be ignored or twisted. It's very painful.


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Starboard Song

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Re: No Contact means No Contact even in sad circumstances
« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2018, 10:14:32 AM »
People who hate and abuse me will need -- perforce -- to go elsewhere for their care and support.

This could be a mantra for me.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason

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appaloosa

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Re: No Contact means No Contact even in sad circumstances
« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2018, 05:18:00 PM »
I'm sorry for your situation Foxbrown, and can relate. I, too, am NC with uNF and vlc with enM. It's terribly painful because I love my M so much, and saw her as the 'good' parent. It was only in my fifties (that in itself is hard for me to believe--that I was in the FOG for so long) that I realized how she allowed the horrible physical abuse from F. Abuse she was well aware of and chose to do nothing about. I have 4 children and my husband would have had to kill me first before doing  what my F did to me. It's an awful feeling, like discovering a betrayal of the deepest sort, that you were completely in denial of. Even now, my contact with M is vl because she chooses to keep it that way. She rarely answers my emails, and shares a phone with F so I have to wait for her to call me. Which she only does (maybe once every 6-8 months) when he isn't around to hear, as he doesn't like her contacting me. {"You're taking sides!" he tells her) I have thought about what I will do when the day comes (they are in 80s) that they are seriously ill or dying. If it's my F, easy. Nothing. If it's my M, and my F is still alive, again, nothing. I will not be around him for any reason. But if he is out of the picture, and it's just M--idk. I still love her.
Kiki81--I'm so sorry about your little Westie. He was fortunate to have loving and compassionate owners, just as I'm sure you feel you were fortunate to have had him in your life.

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appaloosa

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Re: No Contact means No Contact even in sad circumstances
« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2018, 05:22:41 PM »
Didn't mean to go on and on about my parents--bottom line--if seeing your enF causes you anxiety or fear--esp as your M will be there, right?--then I absolutely support a decision to maintain NC. We reap what we sow, and it's time for you to take care of your mental well being. You deserve to put your stability and your FOC first and foremost.

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JustKathy

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Re: No Contact means No Contact even in sad circumstances
« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2018, 06:43:55 PM »
Quote
BUT, over the last 3 weeks of being NC i have been getting more and more angry at him. Even though he didn't abuse me the way in which my NPD mother did, he allowed this to happen....he didn't protect me. He sacrificed his own child to save himself.

Hi Foxbrown,

I get this. I really do. After I went NC with my NPD mother, I started to reflect on things and finally realized how much of an enabler my father was. Like you, I became angry. In many ways, I was more angry at him than I was with N-mother for the same reasons you cited. He let it happen. He let me suffer so he wouldn't have to.

My N-mother died five years ago, and I've remained NC with en-Father since then. He's done some very malicious things since her passing, like disinheriting me in a very cruel manner and rubbing it in my face. I thought things would get better after she was gone, but they didn't. But, like you, I still love him. For so many years I convinced myself that I was Daddy's girl, that he was brainwashed, that he couldn't control his actions. I HAD to believe he loved me, and it's been very hard coming to terms with the reality that he didn't. He's now quite elderly and probably doesn't have much time left. I check my GC sister's Facebook page and see pics of the two of them. He looks so old and frail and it hurts.

The thing is, I know if I broke down and went to see him, it won't go well. The rest of the family has been poisoned by a lifelong smear campaign that started with N-mother and continues with GC sister. It all hurts so much, but I know in my heart that remaining NC is what I have to do. Everyone is different, but for me, I'm at a point where I'm better off trying to remember the happy moments of my childhood than attempting to walk back into what has become a nest of vipers. It will not end well for me.

If you need validation that it's okay to stay NC, I'm going to tell you that it's okay to stay NC. There was a reason you went NC in the first place, and that reason will likely come back in a bad way if you go to visit him. You're staying NC to protect yourself from someone who should have protected you but chose not to. Everyone grows old, everyone dies. I wrestle with this one constantly, but bottom line, if you abuse your children you can't expect them to be there for you in your later years. If my en-Father had reached out or offered some kind of apology I might feel differently, but he hasn't, and he never will. He feels no remorse. He made his choice and now he'll have to live (and die) with it.

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Kiki81

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Re: No Contact means No Contact even in sad circumstances
« Reply #11 on: November 08, 2018, 09:18:05 PM »
Thank you, appaloosa, Finn was a brae Scottish beastie of 16 years! He taught me what love and dedication are because he gave them to me. He was my bestie when I went NC with my family.