I used him?

  • 14 Replies
  • 351 Views
*

Satya

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 64
I used him?
« on: November 06, 2018, 11:34:36 AM »
Hey all,

Itís been awhile since Iíve posted. Since my last post, my husband and I have had multiple conversations about the state of our relationship. They have all ended with me feeling like Iím the problem. But Iíve been getting stronger mentally the past few months.

Over this past weekend, I expressed my desire to leave, and my husbandís reaction was intense. He cried more than Iíve ever seen him cry. He begged me to stay. It was very pitiful and painful to see. The conversation was incredibly long. He kept saying a lot of the same things over and over again. He tried gaslighting me, but Iím like a gaslight-dodging ninja now lol.

But one thing he said has really stuck with me, and Iím struggling to process it. Would love to hear your thoughts...

Over the past couple of years, Iíve gone through a lot of personal growth. I went no contact with my FOO, and my husband was there with me as I struggled with C-PTSD symptoms. Heís seen me grow and heal at a rapid rate. I have become a stronger, healthier person. He said that heís really proud of me for this, but that he feels like in my growth, Iíve grown away from him. And Iím thinking, well, yeah. That would make sense considering a lot of his PD type behaviors are similar to the ones my mother and father exhibited. He told me that he feels like I used him as a crutch for my healing, and now that Iím doing better, Iím just going to leave him. Like Iím throwing him away.

And this has really hit me. Is this a guilt trip? I wasnít intentionally using him during that period of healing. And I feel like itís normal to ask your spouse for support when youíre going through something like I was. Also, the support he gave wasnít really support at all. When Iíd ask him to talk, he was always so checked out (oftentimes on his phone) and honestly, it re-triggered me most of the time. So I quit leaning on him. He didnít heal me. I healed me. Iím the one who has been doing the work. It seems like he has a ďwhite knightĒ complex or something and now heís expecting me to be the princess who offers a kiss and undying gratitude for being rescued.

It reminds me of the way an enabler might keep an addict sick in order to ensure that the addict needs them and will never leave. Heís trying to keep me sick.

In the end, I agreed to stay for awhile. I told him weíd work on things, which was a lie to get the conversation to end so he would  leave me alone. A lie I told to protect myself from further psychological abuse. So while he thinks weíre working on things, Iím going to be working on leaving. I feel bad for lying, but I need to protect myself somehow. I may be a ninja, but Iím not invincible right?  And I know that things wonít get better with him. Every good thing he does comes with an agenda. I deserve to live in a home that feels safe. I deserve a partner who has at least some level of empathy. I deserve to be free and happy.
« Last Edit: November 06, 2018, 11:37:47 AM by Satya »

*

coyote

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 4944
Re: I used him?
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2018, 12:03:16 PM »
Satya,
I would not say you were  or are using him at all. As you point out anything he does comes with an agenda. That is not true support. True support and love is given with no thought of getting anything in return. I applaud you for the work you have put into yourself. After all this is all we can do; work on ourselves and hope our spouse does the same thing. In your case it seems your spouse has not. That is not your fault. Just me two cents. Wishing you peace and strength as you go froward.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

ďThe only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.Ē  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

*

cant turn back

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 334
Re: I used him?
« Reply #2 on: November 08, 2018, 04:47:54 AM »
Itís not wrong to grow and/or change.  Expecting feelings and needs and circumstances and desires to remain static is ludicrous.  (I remind myself of this when I need to).
Yes, a guilt trip.  Trying to level the playing field and put the focus back on his neediness because his feelings and needs are more important than yours.
Ugh, itís all so familiar to me, even as you described your agreeing to ďtryĒ just as a means to get the conversation and pleading to stop.  Iíve been there.  I did the same thing as you.  It was temporary, a stepping stone to the next stage.  Keep planning and moving forward, even if you have to do it covertly at times.  Maintain your boundaries and your ninja skills!  Youíll get there when the time is right.

*

Satya

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 64
Re: I used him?
« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2018, 11:01:34 AM »
Satya,
I would not say you were  or are using him at all. As you point out anything he does comes with an agenda. That is not true support. True support and love is given with no thought of getting anything in return. I applaud you for the work you have put into yourself. After all this is all we can do; work on ourselves and hope our spouse does the same thing. In your case it seems your spouse has not. That is not your fault. Just me two cents. Wishing you peace and strength as you go froward.

Thank you Coyote!
Months ago, I suggested going to see a marriage counselor together. He said no. That he didnít think we needed it. Now heís all for it and claims he always has been. (Gaslight gaslight gaslight)  But I asked him if he felt like he had any room to grow as a person. He said no. He said heís happy with who he is and doesnít feel like he needs to change. So I told him I didnít think counseling would work for us if that is the case. I really donít think I can be with a person who has such ďmalignant self loveĒ as Sam Vaknin calls it.

*

Satya

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 64
Re: I used him?
« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2018, 11:04:57 AM »
Itís not wrong to grow and/or change.  Expecting feelings and needs and circumstances and desires to remain static is ludicrous.  (I remind myself of this when I need to).
Yes, a guilt trip.  Trying to level the playing field and put the focus back on his neediness because his feelings and needs are more important than yours.
Ugh, itís all so familiar to me, even as you described your agreeing to ďtryĒ just as a means to get the conversation and pleading to stop.  Iíve been there.  I did the same thing as you.  It was temporary, a stepping stone to the next stage.  Keep planning and moving forward, even if you have to do it covertly at times.  Maintain your boundaries and your ninja skills!  Youíll get there when the time is right.

Ugh yes. Thank you for validating my thoughts. Reading your comment has made me feel a lot less terrible ❤️

I am looking at apartments and thinking about calling to tour one. But I am so terrified. Iím afraid I wonít make it on my own. But I know that I canít stay here much longer. Not for what itís doing to my sanity and my health.

*

cant turn back

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 334
Re: I used him?
« Reply #5 on: November 08, 2018, 09:13:13 PM »
Iíve been moved out since Jan 1.  Every single step leading up to that was SO SCARY.  Calling to look at a place of my own?  SCARY!  Signing a lease, on the covert?  SCARY.  The two months from the time I signed the lease to actually moving out were truly torturous, The begging and pleading and bullying and desperation of my STBXH, well it was awful, yet, very validating too.  Things are much calmer, much more peaceful now that Iím on my own.  (Though, donít underestimate how awful it is to have to share custody if you have kids.  I dont regret my choices, but, itís hard).

*

Satya

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 64
Re: I used him?
« Reply #6 on: November 08, 2018, 10:52:03 PM »
Iíve been moved out since Jan 1.  Every single step leading up to that was SO SCARY.  Calling to look at a place of my own?  SCARY!  Signing a lease, on the covert?  SCARY.  The two months from the time I signed the lease to actually moving out were truly torturous, The begging and pleading and bullying and desperation of my STBXH, well it was awful, yet, very validating too.  Things are much calmer, much more peaceful now that Iím on my own.  (Though, donít underestimate how awful it is to have to share custody if you have kids.  I dont regret my choices, but, itís hard).

I am so so relieved we havenít had kids. We were looking at buying a house last year, but it didnít work out. And now I feel like the universe just had my back. We have no kids and no property. So Iím hoping divorce will be smooth.

Iíve been recovering from CPTSD and my default 4F type is Freeze. So moving forward with this goes against all of my instincts, all of my childhood programming. Like you said: SCARY. When you left, how did you handle it? Did you do so in secret or did you tell him at the last minute? Did you file for divorce before or after you left? I feel like a coward but I kind of just want to leave a note on the table and disappear while heís at work.

*

notrightinthehead

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 2191
Re: I used him?
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2018, 03:46:01 AM »
If you do not tell him until the last minute you might buy yourself some peace and quiet. If you tell him, he might up the pressure and you might be in for some more crying. That might help you in your resolve to leave. Whatever you do, make sure you have an emergency bag packed so that you can leave quickly in case you need to protect yourself.

*

cant turn back

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 334
Re: I used him?
« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2018, 07:32:47 AM »
I filed before I left.  I had to leave, STBXH refused to move out. But I refused to leave our home until we had actual arrangements and at least temporary custody orders drawn up and ordered by a judge.  I wouldnít leave without assurances for our daughter. STBXH made sure it was absolutely miserable for everybody, those months leading up to court, his unique and dysfunctional way of hoping to win me back and change my mind.
 :stars:
It only reinforced my resolve.  I would probably have done it much differently if not for my daughter.  It IS NOT a coward move to leave as you described.  He may tell you that and/or try to perpetuate that storyline, but who cares?  You need to do what is best for you, your wellbeing.  Youíre on this forum for a reason, you know the situation best.  Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, assure for your safety, sanity, wellbeing, mental health.

*

Satya

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 64
Re: I used him?
« Reply #9 on: November 09, 2018, 11:35:39 AM »
If you do not tell him until the last minute you might buy yourself some peace and quiet. If you tell him, he might up the pressure and you might be in for some more crying. That might help you in your resolve to leave. Whatever you do, make sure you have an emergency bag packed so that you can leave quickly in case you need to protect yourself.

Thank you for this advice! I did pack a go bag several months ago but I should probably double check whatís in there.
I donít think Iím in physical danger right now, but I always wonder if he might be capable of it. Sometimes when I look at him, I catch him staring at me with those dead, vacant, psychopath eyes. Itís creepy.

*

Satya

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 64
Re: I used him?
« Reply #10 on: November 09, 2018, 11:43:10 AM »
It IS NOT a coward move to leave as you described.  He may tell you that and/or try to perpetuate that storyline, but who cares?  You need to do what is best for you, your wellbeing.  Youíre on this forum for a reason, you know the situation best.  Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, assure for your safety, sanity, wellbeing, mental health.

I appreciate your words so so much.

I have been feeling so guilty for going behind his back, but really, heís going to have more advantages than I will. He makes more money than I do. Has more friends. Has family support. But I know he wonít see any of that.
Iím preparing myself for the fallout after I leave. I know heís going to turn all of our mutual friends against me. After all, they were his friends first. I know heíll paint himself as the victim. Thatís what he does best. And itís almost as if heís been planning for this for a long time. There have been several instances of him saying things (lies) to make me seem like a b*tch in front of our friends. Heís always vying for the upper hand.

Iím trying to let go of caring what he thinks of me and what our friends will think of me. None of that matters. I am starting a brand new life where I am safe and free and prosperous. As scared as I feel, Iím also kind of excited about it  ;D

*

cant turn back

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 334
Re: I used him?
« Reply #11 on: November 10, 2018, 10:33:25 PM »
Iím trying to let go of caring what he thinks of me and what our friends will think of me. None of that matters. I am starting a brand new life where I am safe and free and prosperous. As scared as I feel, Iím also kind of excited about it  ;D
I do still struggle with the ďwhat everybody thinksĒ thing, like how can they possibly not see through this BS..?  Mine is is such a VICTIM.  Taking the high road in letting it all play out, being the bigger person, not clamoring for an audience, it takes a lot of resolve.  Some days I am stronger than others.
Yes, these changes are so scary, but it was even scarier to me to continue living my life inauthentically, pretending.  So, YES, I agree completely, it is so exciting to finally be living from my gut, how I truly feel inside, good or bad I know I am doing the right thing.

*

saveyourscissors

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 218
Re: I used him?
« Reply #12 on: November 10, 2018, 11:26:50 PM »
 :yeahthat:

My stbxubpdw would boast about how she would confront people in grocery stores for being too harsh on their kids, while in the meantime she had abused my son for years. It really upsets my son when she does this, as she is SO good at it. When it comes down to it, you know the truth, Satya, and what you've had to deal with, and what you have to do to move forward and be healthy. You are and have been taking a lot of really good steps to heal from a lot of things, it sounds like. Keep pushing on! Now is not the time to doubt yourself! :)

*

Satya

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 64
Re: I used him?
« Reply #13 on: November 11, 2018, 01:04:17 AM »
:yeahthat:

My stbxubpdw would boast about how she would confront people in grocery stores for being too harsh on their kids, while in the meantime she had abused my son for years. It really upsets my son when she does this, as she is SO good at it. When it comes down to it, you know the truth, Satya, and what you've had to deal with, and what you have to do to move forward and be healthy. You are and have been taking a lot of really good steps to heal from a lot of things, it sounds like. Keep pushing on! Now is not the time to doubt yourself! :)

Oh my goodness! It really is amazing how delusional these types can be  :stars:

Thank you for the encouragement!

*

Satya

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 64
Re: I used him?
« Reply #14 on: November 11, 2018, 01:12:46 AM »
Iím trying to let go of caring what he thinks of me and what our friends will think of me. None of that matters. I am starting a brand new life where I am safe and free and prosperous. As scared as I feel, Iím also kind of excited about it  ;D
I do still struggle with the ďwhat everybody thinksĒ thing, like how can they possibly not see through this BS..?  Mine is is such a VICTIM.  Taking the high road in letting it all play out, being the bigger person, not clamoring for an audience, it takes a lot of resolve.  Some days I am stronger than others.
Yes, these changes are so scary, but it was even scarier to me to continue living my life inauthentically, pretending.  So, YES, I agree completely, it is so exciting to finally be living from my gut, how I truly feel inside, good or bad I know I am doing the right thing.

Yes! The fear of staying is far far greater than the fear of leaving now. Iíve discovered that it helps to ďwindow shopĒ online for the stuff I wanna get for my new place  ::) Iím gonna be free to make my home however I want it to be and Iím so excited for that part. Trying to focus on that feeling.