Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.

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Tired

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Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.
« on: November 07, 2018, 02:05:49 AM »
Okay. I am posting again.  I finally had to break the silence and tell my husband to stop his silent treament and talk to me about my 11 year daughter telling him to shutup.  I explained to him if he had not given me the silent treatment and asked me he would have known I told her it was wrong to talk to anyone like this.   At the end he blamed me. Basically he told me both the girls desrespect him because I told them few years back when, my husband  was cheating, that daddy had a girlfriend and will be moving out. He did move out and after a month  he asked for another chance.  Now every fight between him and me or him and the kids ends up with him saying he is disrespected because of his cheating or the kids being told about it. The next bit he said was that he is suffering from depression because I refuse to buy a home with him.  When he came back he agreed he wouldnt buy until our marriage was fixed, and he said he aint bothered as long as he gets his family back  but the agurments dont stop, he curses me in front of the kids, spied on me and so on.  So this summer i told him after another argument I cant let him buy a home with me cos his behaviour hasnt changed and I dont want to trap myself  . He then packed all his stuff and put it in his van.  Said he was gonna leave but never did  the kids saw all this and he wonders why they dont  respect him.  So now, this has gone from why my daughter told him to shutup to he is depressed because I have taken his rights away and dont care that he is in his own words suffering from depresssion.  Am I taking his rights away?
« Last Edit: November 07, 2018, 02:54:30 AM by Tired »

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LeeJane

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Re: Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2018, 03:38:30 AM »
Hi Tired

On reading your post, I would say no you arent taking away his rights.  His behaviours have created this situation. 

I think it very sensible of you not to get entangled financially with him.



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UsedUp

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Re: Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.
« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2018, 04:48:33 AM »
I agree with LeeJane. After dealing with several PDs in adulthood,  plus being raised by two, my thinking would be more like he's wanting to get everything he can from you. Then if there's a divorce, he will have half of a home you paid for and financed, or half the value after it's sold. Plus whatever else he can get. All the while claiming he was treated badly, etc., etc., ad nauseum.

I was married briefly to someone. He tried his best to get everything monetarily that I had. WHILE we were still married even.

We had talked about opening a joint savings to save for a downpayment for a house.  He expected me to just add him to my personal savings so he'd have access to that! No way. When I said no, he had no interest in starting a new joint savings at all. All he was wanting was access to what i had worked for and saved years before I even met him.

And it got much worse, to the point I was physically scared of  him, but am not comfortable going into that right now.

I don't think you've taken anything from him. Especially his 'right' to buy a home. If he'd wanted that, he should have paid his bills, had a decent credit report, and wouldn't be dependent on someone else to get a free ride on.

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blunk

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Re: Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2018, 12:14:29 PM »
Tired, I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with.

I went through this with my BPDxh. We were renting the first floor of a house, it was more than enough room and the landlord was fine with our dogs. I was happy with the living situation. He decided that he wanted to own a house. This was 6 years before we divorced, but my first gut instinct was to think "I don't want to be tied to him in that way"...I should have realized why at that point!

He rarely worked, and when he did it was menial jobs. I on the other hand had (and still have) a great job, and was able to save a decent amount each month. He kept on and kept on about the house until I finally gave in.

When we divorced I did not want the house, but he could not afford the mortgage. So, I got stuck with it because even if I sold it at that point I could not have recovered what was owed. I tried everything, even offering to help supplement the mortgage until he could find a roommate. He then hit me with...I want you to pay me half of the equity in the house in the form of alimony. He made about 1/3 of the money I did, did not save any of it, and had left 4-5 major unfinished projects. Regardless, I ended up paying it just to be rid of him.

It is now 3 1/2 years later and there is finally a deal on the house. One of the last ties will be cut, the final one will be early next year when the alimony runs out. I wish I had never let him talk me into buying that house. I could have been free and clear years sooner.




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Tired

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Re: Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.
« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2018, 02:38:10 PM »
Thank you for your replies. Its put things into a better perspective.  I am still getting the silent treatment from him.  Other than the one conversation we had, which resolved nothing and basically he blamed me for everything and my daughters.  He doesn't eat anything I cook, leaves first thing in the morning and comes home late so to avoid everyone. 

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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.
« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2018, 02:51:07 PM »
Tired,  he is pouting like a toddler.  (no offense to toddlers...)   Go about your day and do something fun this afternoon with your daughters.

((( hug )))
Ungrateful people complain about the one thing you haven't done instead of being thankful for the thousands of things you have.

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which rebuilt my life.  JK Rowling

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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MRound

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Re: Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2018, 03:50:28 PM »
He would find something to blame you about if it hadn’t been letting the kids know the affair and moving out (he expected you to lie to them for his benefit?  Really!!?). My husband thinks I caused our DS to disrespect him because DS knows husband thinks I had an affair.  After one of UPPDH’s big emotional breakdowns, DS just came out and asked me if I had, and I said “no, of course not”.  UPPDH has a list of other things he think were disrespectful to let people know, and now I just laugh at him when he seems to be saying this. 

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elly87

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Re: Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.
« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2018, 05:40:23 PM »
let him know that you dont have that power, and to say you do is a lie. he is a grown man and is in charge of his own 'rights'. in fact, he is attempting to infringe upon YOUR rights as an adult who can choose not to buy a house with someone, by manipulating you into believing that you have an obligation to do so.

Keep trusting your instincts. you are on the right track. also, it may be time to evaluate if him moving back in is the safest thing for you and the kids. It is scary and unstable feeling for children to witness episodes of an unstable parent and minimizing that exposure as much as possible would be best for them (as im sure you know, not at all trying to judge or criticize). A house shouldnt even be in the vocabulary right now...how about him just trying to be a stable parent who regulates his emotions and behaviors even when the going gets rough?

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Tired

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Re: Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.
« Reply #8 on: November 08, 2018, 02:06:09 AM »
MRound thank you for your response. You are absolutely right he would have found something else to blame me for.   When he cheated he didnt think I should tell the kids anything.  His idea of the solution was not to wash and iron his clothes for a few weeks and to relax,  which would make me see how much I was throwing away.  Even typing that makes me laugh. 
elly 87, Thank you for yr reply, I never saw it thay way.  Its like once we needed a new car I was saying we get a cheaper one cos at the time we didn't have lot of money but he argued so much that he wanted a certain more expensive one and I should put in the extra cash that was short, that at the end I gave in and paid the majority of the money even though I didnt want to. This is the problem when he wants something he cant let it go. Its either his way or a massive agurment, sulking, silent treatment, raging and then still his way.   During our 15 year marriage he has stormed out saying he is leaving  uncountable times, he has threatned  divorce in almost every argument.  You are right I do need to evalute him moving back in.  I am trying to get stronger so that I survive without him.  My daughters don't even want to see him, last time he told them he was gonna leave and didn't they actually got upset.  Biggest thing that holds me back is my son, he has a genetic illness and is the only child out the three who likes his dad.   I always thought how my son would cope because he alsonhad  learning difficulties.  However if I stay with my husband and have a mental breakdown I dont see any of my children doing well. So I suppose it's about balancing the cost with the benefit and making a plan. At least I am getting clarity
« Last Edit: November 08, 2018, 02:10:41 AM by Tired »

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HotCocoa

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Re: Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.
« Reply #9 on: November 08, 2018, 06:16:13 PM »
Sounds like DARVO - deny accuse reverse victim offender.  He cheated on you, but he is giving the silent treatment, he acts like the victim, he moved his stuff out to his van, he decides if he is going to try to make it work. 
Even though he says it, his actions say otherwise and don't say stability whatsoever. 
No one has the right to buy a house.  It is bought through hard work. 
You aren't taking ANYTHING away from him.  I agree with the other's.  Be grateful you don't have that big financial tie to him. 
I did.  My ex took off and I am responsible for mortgage payments and the amount he provides covers the mortgage, with very little extra.  I am working on selling the house as we speak. 
Don't let his victim mentality lure you into big obligations you don't want or can't afford. 
He's not going to be a stable person, he's shown that and your kids can see that as well. 
It's hard to pull the plug on a relationship so I wish you well.  Stay safe.
The smarter you become about narcissistic abuse, the crazier the narcissist will say you are.

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Tired

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Re: Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.
« Reply #10 on: November 09, 2018, 08:52:32 AM »
Thanks  for your reply HotCocoa.  The silent treatment has gone on for a week now. He says very few words. Doesn't eat at home or spend time at home except sleeping. I am doing my best to get on.  I am not doing  JADE, I have said what I need to say. Just taken a day at a time.

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Frances29

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Re: Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.
« Reply #11 on: November 10, 2018, 12:48:30 PM »
Thank you for your replies. Its put things into a better perspective.  I am still getting the silent treatment from him.  Other than the one conversation we had, which resolved nothing and basically he blamed me for everything and my daughters.  He doesn't eat anything I cook, leaves first thing in the morning and comes home late so to avoid everyone.

If he can stay gone all day, why can't he stay gone all night and move out?  I don't know all of your back story, but can you kick him out and change the locks?

He is free to move out, rent his own place, buy his own place.  Men that whine and complain about not having enough money and looking for money from women are just manipulating YOU to pay for him.  It's really appalling.  If I wanted to provide for a man I would have had more sons.  No.

Early in my marriage my DH used to pout, whine, sulk and complain if we didn't buy what he wanted, whether we could afford it or not and forced me to pony up more money.  I have resentment over it to this day.  He got us in a huge financial pickle and took us YEARS to untangle the mess he made.  We are married 20+ years and I handle all the money now and as soon as I hear whining I tune him out.  I say, "Get a better job you want more" and I walk away...not engaging in whining from an almost 50 year old man.  I am putting up with absolutely ZERO at my age.  Less than ZERO.
« Last Edit: November 10, 2018, 12:56:40 PM by Frances29 »

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MRound

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Re: Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.
« Reply #12 on: November 13, 2018, 10:28:32 PM »
I am so sorry you are going through this, but I must say that his using the silent treatment is a huge reason why you should not give in.  This is about the future for you and your children.  If you buy a house together, he has got you over a barrel and it will be almost impossible to escape him.  You may think you want to stay married to him now, but if you buy a house with him, you will have so much less choice.  Just read the forum on separating and divorcing.  So many have terrible problems separating from their abusers because they own a home together, the wife can’t afford to move, and the husband won’t agree to leave or sell the house.  If he knows you lack the ability to leave, he may very well get worse.

I’ll say it: it sounds like he is engaging in financial abuse (or would if you let him). Listen to your instincts! 

I think you should pay attention to your daughters’ reaction to your husband. The chaos he creates is really bad for them and they know it—and they don’t yet have the trauma bond. 

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Have I taken My husbands right to buy a home away.
« Reply #13 on: Today at 01:06:04 PM »
Not sure why he bothers to come home.

Does not eat with family, silent testament, avoidance, resents children knowing him,  wow.

Is this a marriage, he does not sound like a decent roommate.