Haven't seen daughter in seven plus months now time for family dinner

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needfixing

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I feel anxiety. My stomach is turning and I feel my blood pressure going up. I thought I was making way with moving from lc to restoring some type of relationship with her. She never gives in. I am always the one going over and beyond to make this work.  In the last couple of months we have been discussing getting together for a simple family night out dinner or lunch. She has an uncanny way of flipping things, taking control and we find ourselves doing what she wants. I say I have a lot to do with being so easy, her sibling is too. I am learning new ways of handling myself and different situations. After holding my ground and reaching some sort of compromise on the day,I asked her to please confirm asap.  That was over two weeks ago, no response from her in regards to that.  Even after she text me about something else no mention of the dinner. A couple of days ago she asks if dinner still on.  I didnt say anything. So she asks her sibling. I have to give a prompt answer to her, but almost all the time I must wait days for a response for any text I send her.

I want to have a relationship with her but I am also dreading what will happen. She never really has any conversation for me via text or phone but when we meet. I am in some type of whirlwind tunnel where the conversation is switched, changed, stopped not making sense. My questions in attempts to clarify, are deflected and redirected.  She will suddenly get up and start walking away.

Walking away may not happen while dining out but all the others will. I will be blamed and guilted or something or someone has wronged her at some point in the meeting.  This has always worked for her. I would feel guilty. I would feel sorry for her. Then she takes fully the reins. I would be defensive, overly give, no longer question her, try to fix it, try to make her happy and feel better.

I dont think my child is a monster and that is not what I am saying.  I am in a place where I want a relationship with her but I know what our encounters entail.

I am getting a bit upset typing now so I will stop.

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TiredOfAntics

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Re: Haven't seen daughter in seven plus months now time for family dinner
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2018, 05:21:43 PM »
"I am in some type of whirlwind tunnel where the conversation is switched, changed, stopped not making sense. My questions in attempts to clarify, are deflected and redirected. "
People who have BPD distort conversations so that they appear to be the victim.  You can't fix this.  She has to fix it.
They also don't see things from a reality perspective.  They just don't operate in reality.  You can't fix this.  She has to fix it.

After holding my ground and reaching some sort of compromise on the day,I asked her to please confirm asap.  That was over two weeks ago, no response from her in regards to that.  Even after she text me about something else no mention of the dinner.
People with BPD feel that it's just too much to ask of them to be responsible for anything they haven't decided to do.  You can't fix this. She has to fix it.

I will be blamed and guilted or something or someone has wronged her at some point in the meeting.
People with BPD triangulate others.  They do this to get sympathy and to cause you to feel guilty.  They distort reality to become a "victim".  You end up in the "persecutor's role".  Someone else ends up as the rescuer/sympathizer.  You can't fix this.   She has to fix it.

I am in a place where I want a relationship with her but I know what our encounters entail.
Until your daughter is healed from BPD, your encounters are going to be filled with BPD drama.  You can practice radical acceptance and accept her unhealthy BPD behaviors and always come away as the meanie who abuses her OR you can end the drama.   I read  Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist:  How to End the Drama and Get on with Your Life.  The author is Marsalis Fjelstad.  It freed me from the anxiety and fear associated with my daughter's BPD behaviors.   It can purchased online at many sites.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Haven't seen daughter in seven plus months now time for family dinner
« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2018, 05:30:41 PM »
Needfixing, try to read either the book "Boundaries with kids" by Townsend and Cloud or "I don't have to make everything all better" by Lundberg as a preparation for the meeting. And I agree with TiredofAntics the book by Margalis Fjelstad is excellent too.
You can learn to do both - be kind and loving to her and protect yourself better.

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needfixing

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Re: Haven't seen daughter in seven plus months now time for family dinner
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2018, 09:16:24 PM »
I appreciate the help. 

I must make sure I recognize and I take responsibility for my own behavior. My relationship with my kids is worth not giving up on.

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momma

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Re: Haven't seen daughter in seven plus months now time for family dinner
« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2018, 01:28:53 PM »
it is as if i wrote this myself.  my 21 year old BPD daughter is the same.  i will ask questions, they will not be answered.  It is as if i never asked the question.  But, god forbid i ASK a question she has ALREADY answered, its the end of the world. I ALREADY TOLD YOU!>>>>>>
She will not take any responsibility for her actions that have resulted in unpleasant consequences.  Just that we "ABANDONED" her.. and have given her "issues" because we decided to protect ourselves. 
We dont see each other often, but I have now told her. .. "each visit I will start fresh, a new start.  And i will love you and enjoy our time as long as it is mutually respectful.  Always starting with a fresh slate.  But when i feel disrespected or abused? My visit ends.  I get up leave, hang up the phone, or end the chat".   I get anxiety when i see her, and i know she also does.  It is such a damaged relationship.  But there is lots of love.   We can be together now for about 24 hours in a row, tops.  then the old behaviors come back.  but, baby steps.
Maybe be happy with one hour,  then two... etc.   Don't tolerate the manipulation, blame nor abuse.
I hear the love in your post.  If you didnt love her so much this wouldnt be so difficult.

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biggerfish

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Re: Haven't seen daughter in seven plus months now time for family dinner
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2018, 08:51:18 PM »
I'm in the same situation with my daughter who just left my house after a four day visit. The visit was three days too long. The ending was awful.

And then i opened OOTF for the first time in weeks and run right into this post, which felt like a hug.

I love all the advice in here, especially the reminders that we can't fix this.

She concluded today that i don't know how to be a genuine person, and then stormed out. Lol. I love my child a great deal but lately I've been practicing detachment. It makes the hurt less deep.

The best thing we could do for everyone involved is to practice detachment.










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needfixing

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Re: Haven't seen daughter in seven plus months now time for family dinner
« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2018, 04:00:16 PM »
I tried. I am trying really hard. I am reading three books at the same time. Stop Walking on Eggshells, You Don't Have to Make it All Better, and Stop Caret Taking the Borderline or Narcissist. I read Boundaries, them more on boundaries. Read about Stress Tolerance.

I feel upset after this dinner.  The encounter was different, and the same.  I was different. I am feeling upset today.I was happy to see her. She is intelligent, hard working, independent and funny.

Some parts of the conversation didn't seem logical to me, but I did not say anything. I did not want the visit to be me questioning her the entire time. I am angry at myself for turning my I don't think I will cook for Thanksgiving (ok mom I will just stay home by myself) to a maybe (mom I will come over you don't have to do anything)  then an I don't know (mom, let me know if you need some money for it. I never take money from her when she offers).  I realize this is my boundary thing to strengthen.

I didn't have the heart to stop the visit when some the behaviors showed up, but I felt sad and hurt.  I am visibly not well.
« Last Edit: November 13, 2018, 04:49:50 PM by needfixing »

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TiredOfAntics

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Re: Haven't seen daughter in seven plus months now time for family dinner
« Reply #7 on: November 14, 2018, 04:05:10 PM »
Hang in there, Needfixing!  Those books will help you see through the fog.  I'm reading Stop Caretaking the Narcissist and Borderline for my second time. 

Regardless of what you do, your daughter may try to make you appear to be a bad mom.  Don't let her manipulate you into doing anything you don't want to do.  You don't have to cook for Thanksgiving.   Why can't she cook the Thanksgiving meal or at least half of it?  Change the rules!  Change your customs, so Thanksgiving is fair and ENJOYABLE for YOU.  You don't have to endlessly explain why your customs are changing either.  Avoid  JADEing (justify, argue, defend, explain) with her.  Avoid circular conversations by not participating in them.

Does your local homeless shelter need help serving a Thanksgiving meal to the poor?  Volunteer to do that instead of cooking for 12 hours for your daughter who may not be happy with anything you do.  The homeless will appreciate your efforts.  Cook pies and take them to the police or fire station for the people who must work the holiday.  They will appreciate your efforts.  Do you have a disable friend who could use some help?  Offer to help her instead of serving your daughter on Thanksgiving.  Your friend will appreciate your efforts. 

You're going to feel better soon.  You'll have some relapses into the fog, but you're headed for many happy days.   Stay the course and come Out of the FOG!

 Hugs for you!