Emotional Blackmail

Started by Psuedonym, November 14, 2018, 02:54:17 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Psuedonym

I've just ordered the book of the same name but this is a good interview with Susan Forward on emotional blackmail and how to deal with it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Erye11vDoU

Hope you find it helpful!

coyote

Can you tell us a little bit about how this has helped you or what you hope to gain?
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed and you haven't been. -Marcus Aurelius

Psuedonym

Hi coyote!

Sure. I think one of the best things I've gotten out of the video is validation. My uBPDm is of the extremely waify/clingy/needy variety. Her life is an endless cycle of pretending to be sick (at best she has allergies), going to the doctor, and sitting in her apartment claiming that she's too sick to go out/make friends, etc, therefore its not her fault that she's depressed, whiny, clingy, etc and feels the incessant need to dump all her problems/unhappiness/depression on me. Repeat. This has been going on for 40+ years, first with my enF, who died in December, and now with me. I have an enormous amount of anger/resentment towards her. Recently, in reading some other things, I've learned that anger can actually be healthy and is a sign that you need to create boundaries. The opening lines in the description of this book are:

"If you really loved me..."

"After all I've done for you..."

"How can you be so selfish..."

Do any of the above sound familiar? They're all examples of emotional blackmail, a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want.


No one has ever said that to me in my life. I am an only child, and my F was an enabler, so I grew up hearing how much my M was a victim and how it was my 'job' to cheer her up. She has said to me, I #$@% you not, 'will you be my mother? I need a mother to take care of me' and when I've rejected that nonsense outright I get all of the above thrown at me, plus labels like 'cold', 'heartless', and my personal favorite, 'little bitch' said with an amount of venom I'm sure only people on this board can imaging. So its very validating to hear 'that's abuse'.  It's a #$@%d up thing to do. And its completely manipulative. It's only dawned on me in the last few months that my M is most likely N as well as BPD, she hides it that well behind the pathetic act. This knowledge has really helped me understand my anger.

The other thing I'm excited/intrigued by is the idea that you are always, always responsible for your own feelings (and no one else's), so just because someone is trying to manipulate you into feeling something doesn't mean you have to fall for it. The most intriguing thing I think is the idea that when you're enabling someone's waif act, you're actually hurting them and not helping them. All of these things are touched on in the video and I'm expecting will be elaborated on in the book (which has tons of great reviews.) I will definitely add it to book reviews once I read it.

Anyway, sorry if that turned into way too long of an explanation! :)

coyote

Not too long at all. That is a lot of help. Thank you for sharing.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed and you haven't been. -Marcus Aurelius