What does impulsivity mean in terms of behavior?

Started by djcleo, November 14, 2018, 10:03:00 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

djcleo

So, I've been watching videos about BPD. It seems to differ from npd in terms of impulsivity and emotions, but NPD still has emotions as well, but maybe more restrained.

The examples always listed are about extreme things such as gambling and very reckless sexual behavior.

But what other examples would qualify? My BPD MIL is sometimes impulsive, but not that type. I know that each DSM diagnosis doesn't need all nine traits.

Just curious for terms of comparisons.

stormyandbright

Spending, speeding, binge eating, lashing out in relationships (of any kind, not just romantic). Basically any hasty decision/action that may have a detrimental consequence

StayWithMe

It means no planning.  So if things cost more at the last minute, who cares?  HE doesn't.  You're just a fuddy duddy.

He may also blame you:"I heard she got the same tickets cheaper.  Why can't you?"

You never feel as if you got anything done with that person.  They'll ride right to the theater and wonder why the tickets are sold out / why the shopping mall is closing and so on.........

My father was like that.  As GP in medicine, he saw patients as they came in.  Sometimes he would squueze other people in wasting their time........

He took this behavior home.  You could sit around the house til noon, remind that you have plans and then give a long list of chores to do. 

Don't you feel powerful ruining someone else's day.

openskyblue


StayWithMe

Quote from: openskyblue on November 15, 2018, 05:20:00 PM
Reckless driving, road rage, too.

My husband always prided himself on arriving on time ........ even if that meant it was dangereous.  An he was not moved by the fact that people arrived later than we did.

Whiteheron

For my stbx it is:
binging on a particular food (cyclical)
exercising an extreme amount (cyclical)
going waaaay overboard with projects
feels he's invincible
road rage/dangerous driving
'planning' last minute week-long family trips
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

StayWithMe

Quote from: StayWithMe on November 15, 2018, 05:26:40 PM
Quote from: openskyblue on November 15, 2018, 05:20:00 PM
Reckless driving, road rage, too.

My husband always prided himself on arriving on time ........ even if that meant it was dangereous.  An he was not moved by the fact that people arrived later than we did.

Ex husband , I mean.

djcleo

Quote from: stormyandbright on November 14, 2018, 10:13:05 PM
Spending, speeding, binge eating, lashing out in relationships (of any kind, not just romantic). Basically any hasty decision/action that may have a detrimental consequence

My BPD MIL does lash out and is impulsive with her relationships, but I don't see any of the super extremes in any other way such as spending or binge eating... but it doesn't mean it's not there.

She definitely is impulsive at times. She's been known to throw things. To yell, to even run my H out of her house one night a few months before our wedding when he was staying over... at 2 am.

She is also known to send 40 to 50 texts all at once if she can't yell at you on the phone....

I guess she's more impulsive than I realized. Thank you for pointing some of this out.

djcleo

Quote from: StayWithMe on November 15, 2018, 04:51:23 PM
It means no planning.  So if things cost more at the last minute, who cares?  HE doesn't.  You're just a fuddy duddy.

He may also blame you:"I heard she got the same tickets cheaper.  Why can't you?"

You never feel as if you got anything done with that person.  They'll ride right to the theater and wonder why the tickets are sold out / why the shopping mall is closing and so on.........

My father was like that.  As GP in medicine, he saw patients as they came in.  Sometimes he would squueze other people in wasting their time........

He took this behavior home.  You could sit around the house til noon, remind that you have plans and then give a long list of chores to do. 

Don't you feel powerful ruining someone else's day.

This is where I think that BPD MIL is more of an NPD at times. She seems to be well organized. She goes to bed at the same time every night. She's very specific about that. If you wake her up she'll be super angry instead of just regular annoyed.

She is also a controller of money and seems to be super disciplined with money, but I wonder if this is me being fooled by her words as I wouldn't happen to really know her actions.

It just seems odd to me that impulsivity is one of the main hallmarks of BPD, but BPD MIL, although emotionally and relationally impulsive, isn't necessarily impulsive in the "stereotypical" ways that you've listed.

looloo

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

40andfab

When I think of impulsivity it is in words and actions. Like just saying whatever they feel at the moment without any restraint; or yelling, flipping someone off or crying at the drop of a hat, so easily it's scary to watch. Also, having an affair or doing drugs with little thought to consequences. My uPDsis has three DUI convictions and has spent time in jail because of them, but does that stop her from from driving without a license? Nope.




"The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance" – Nathaniel Branden

djcleo

Quote from: 40andfab on November 28, 2018, 05:07:29 AM
When I think of impulsivity it is in words and actions. Like just saying whatever they feel at the moment without any restraint; or yelling, flipping someone off or crying at the drop of a hat, so easily it's scary to watch. Also, having an affair or doing drugs with little thought to consequences. My uPDsis has three DUI convictions and has spent time in jail because of them, but does that stop her from from driving without a license? Nope.


You know, I kind of answered my own question by answering someone else's post about quiet BPDs. Thank you so much for posting this, because it helped me understand that what I was thinking was correct!

BPD MIL does rage and is impulsive, but it's mostly with emails, text messages, or in person. She rages at FIL by throwing things around, which is impulsive. She's also raged at DH who didn't go to rescue FIL doing yardwork right away.

I have a feeling she's more impulsive in other areas in her life that I don't see. However, I realize she's also impulsive with decisions if she's emotionally charged. Most of us would take a moment and calm ourselves before proceeding into certain things. She does not.

She will be impulsive and cut off her nose to spite her face. For example, she needed someone to pet sit. Instead of allowing SIL's best friend to come over, she said SIL's best friend couldn't come over before she even was mentioned as an option. It's not an extreme example, but it's certainly not well thought out.

tommom

Oh yes, 40andfab! What a good insight! In Fjelstaad's book, she talks about how there is no future in the mind of a PD, only right now, so that may be what it all boils down to with them. Much of the messes my PDh gets into (and there are plenty of them!) really revolve around an inability on his part to see what will happen when he says or does something. Sometimes it is breathtakingly obvious, too. You can tell him "If you do that, such and such might happen." and he doesn't believe it (maybe he can't). That may be part of the reason....
"It is not my job to fix other people; everyone is on their own journey."

SaltwareS

"In Fjelstaad's book, she talks about how there is no future in the mind of a PD, only right now."

It is maddening! I wish I knew why this was.

bruceli

Both of my pwPD's parents died in there mid 50's, so she also thought she would too. She just turned 56 and has absolutely no plan, savings or investments towards retirement nor does she ever talk about it. She constantly tells me to shut up when I mention anything I do towards retirement be it savings, investments or travel.
One will never fulfill their destiny or truly be free, until they can let go of the illusion of control.

Fair doesn't mean equal and best doesn't mean good.

They could see me walk on water, and they would say it is because I can not swim.

SaltwareS

QuoteBoth of my pwPD's parents died in there mid 50's, so she also thought she would too. She just turned 56 and has absolutely no plan, savings or investments towards retirement nor does she ever talk about it. She constantly tells me to shut up when I mention anything I do towards retirement be it savings, investments or travel.
My friend made a good salary but never had a savings, and she didn't even travel. She would over-spend on odd things like expensive hand towels.

Her fiance when they bought a house together discovered her finances (she was 48) and confronted her about it and put her on a spending plan. She was really mad at him at first. And she said to me "you don't understand! These conversations are not fun!" Really?

djcleo

As I reflect further on all of this, I realize through your examples, that impulsivity is also found in BPD MIL in the following ways:

1. phone calls
2. text messages
3. coal in our stockings
4. mostly emotional outburts
5. erratic signals - was angry with me, but then also brought a gift to SIL / BIL and then hoped it came to me (that's sort of hoovering and other stuff wrapped up in there too)
6. changing things about herself - this time it's changing religious denominations

djcleo

Quote from: 40andfab on November 28, 2018, 05:07:29 AM
When I think of impulsivity it is in words and actions. Like just saying whatever they feel at the moment without any restraint; or yelling, flipping someone off or crying at the drop of a hat, so easily it's scary to watch. Also, having an affair or doing drugs with little thought to consequences. My uPDsis has three DUI convictions and has spent time in jail because of them, but does that stop her from from driving without a license? Nope.

This is typical of BPD MIL, but she seems to be responsible enough in her public persona. She's more of an "invisible borderline".

It's also a result of the extreme black or white thinking. One political person she DESPISES and will leave church if his name is mentioned. Another's name is mentioned and she is elated.

rubixcube

#18
Quote from: stormyandbright on November 14, 2018, 10:13:05 PM
Spending, speeding, binge eating, lashing out in relationships (of any kind, not just romantic). Basically any hasty decision/action that may have a detrimental consequence

:yeahthat:

With my ucovertBPDw these things aren't exagerated either. They're subtle, but definitely present. With money, she used her bosses credit card to buy $1000(which I made her return) curtains. She did this even though, for literally years, I had been telling her we're broke, paying debt, and getting ready to buy a house. She even had a tantrum saying she wouldn't stay at our apartment and her job any more. We weren't ready to buy the house yet, but I felt my hand was forced. Even when I practically begged her to stay so we could pay more debt and save more (because I'd be the one paying it all off for 30 years), it was met with total disregard for what I might go through. Blinders. To me, this is impulsivity in spending, impulsivity in decision making by being self absorbed.

In sex, in her previous life she was extremely promiscuous. With me... zero. After she caught me, it all went downhill, the chameleon disappeared, and her true colors came out. I saw red flags early on, but she was in chameleon mode. It's covert because I'm the only one who has to see this other side of her. Jekyl and  Hyde. 

Binge eating, again subtle, but she'll easily put down a pint of ice cream a night, or eat a bag of oreos instead of a real meal. You might say, "meh, I can do that too", but it's her inability to control the impulse that makes it impulsive. I can put down a pint too, but I know it's not good for me so I don't. There's a measure of self control, usually ;)

Speeding. Again, subtle. When she's worked up, or feels late, or feels "criticized"(feels as if she WOULD be criticized for being late, regardless of reality), then she drives fast and somewhat reckless. It's like her impulsivity is just a heightened level of being self absorbed and she can't see outside herself or control her herself. SHe's gotten a super speeder ticket and recently another one. I've gotten a ticket in the past too, but there just feels like there's something different about the driving force behind her actions. It's hard to put your finger on, but it feels like... "there's just something different about this person".

djcleo

Quote from: rubixcube on December 21, 2018, 02:35:15 PM
Quote from: stormyandbright on November 14, 2018, 10:13:05 PM
Spending, speeding, binge eating, lashing out in relationships (of any kind, not just romantic). Basically any hasty decision/action that may have a detrimental consequence

:yeahthat:

With my ucovertBPDw these things aren't exagerated either. They're subtle, but definitely present. With money, she used her bosses credit card to buy $1000(which I made her return) curtains. She did this even though, for literally years, I had been telling her we're broke, paying debt, and getting ready to buy a house. She even had a tantrum saying she wouldn't stay at our apartment and her job any more. We weren't ready to buy the house yet, but I felt my hand was forced. Even when I practically begged her to stay so we could pay more debt and save more (because I'd be the one paying it all off for 30 years), it was met with total disregard for what I might go through. Blinders. To me, this is impulsivity in spending, impulsivity in decision making by being self absorbed.

In sex, in her previous life she was extremely promiscuous. With me... zero. After she caught me, it all went downhill, the chameleon disappeared, and her true colors came out. I saw red flags early on, but she was in chameleon mode. It's covert because I'm the only one who has to see this other side of her. Jekyl and  Hyde. 

Binge eating, again subtle, but she'll easily put down a pint of ice cream a night, or eat a bag of oreos instead of a real meal. You might say, "meh, I can do that too", but it's her inability to control the impulse that makes it impulsive. I can put down a pint too, but I know it's not good for me so I don't. There's a measure of self control, usually ;)

Speeding. Again, subtle. When she's worked up, or feels late, or feels "criticized"(feels as if she WOULD be criticized for being late, regardless of reality), then she drives fast and somewhat reckless. It's like her impulsivity is just a heightened level of being self absorbed and she can't see outside herself or control her herself. SHe's gotten a super speeder ticket and recently another one. I've gotten a ticket in the past too, but there just feels like there's something different about the driving force behind her actions. It's hard to put your finger on, but it feels like... "there's just something different about this person".

She doesn't seem to be impulsive with HER OWN money, but with that of others. She wouldn't budge on the budget for our wedding and even refused to give us anything else after she created drama, but then recently they redid the kitchen for 10 grand. She brags about being super thrifty and not spending, getting the greatest deals, etc, but then does that. FIL past for most of it, as far as I know, if not all of it.

She's also been known to eat frozen yogurt for dinner instead of a real meal, but not a whole ton of it even. So that's even more odd since you'd think a binge would be loads of food. DH worries about her since she's so thin.

She's also gone ahead and eaten some type of teriyaki sauce with some type of fish ingredient she was allergic to. Not sure if that means she read it and ate it anyway, but she did know her D who is a medical doctor would be coming later that day... so probably no consequences and lots of attention.

She eventually started playing an obscure musical instrument, then came two hours upstate near where we live, but didn't call until she was nearby, and we were already two hours away near where she lives while we were visiting others.

So... she says things that seem to indicate that she's a wonderful planner and super detailed with planning... but then didn't plan the rest of the rehearsal dinner because all of her impulsivity created so much tension and drama with out wedding.

So... I guess I'm seeing it more and more. Thank you for your examples!!!