Triggered by religious leader

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Daffodil

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Triggered by religious leader
« on: November 28, 2018, 01:09:48 PM »
Hi all

I originally came on here to help me cope with a NPD parent but now I've just had a really unpleasant encounter with someone else displaying narcissistic traits.

I am on a religious forum, have been for many years, and just had a falling out with the person who runs it. It's more than a forum really, more like an online religious community. After they were very unkind and unpleasant to me on the forum, I tried to express myself and how I felt and that I felt a kinder more connected way of communicating was important. Many people tried to argue the same on my behalf over a series of months. The teacher basically said no, this is how I do it and made me sound ridiculous.

So I decided to leave, and a friend of mine told the teacher I was scared of him, at which point I got an email to my private email address from the teacher telling me I was being stupid, completely overreacting, that everything they had done was great and that I was the problem and was taking it all personally. Basically I was made to sound like a hysterical woman. The tone wasn't light and it came across as very scolding and patronising.

I have definitely had my cPTSD triggered. I have quite a few friends who are still on the forum so I am trying to leave with grace and without making a big scene. I have said I am taking time away but now I want to run a mile. I am absolutely terrified of getting another nasty email. I didn't reply.

I don't know how to put a lid on the situation, which has become far too stressful to me. Would be grateful for any help and feedback please.





« Last Edit: November 28, 2018, 02:02:19 PM by Daffodil »

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moglow

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Re: Triggered by religious leader
« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2018, 10:09:05 PM »
Just a couple of thoughts - I wouldn't respond and I wouldn't discuss it further with this teacher or anyone else. If that's his method, fine, but you don't have to be battered over the head for speaking your opinion. I think it's rather telling that he contacted you off forum in that way, no witnesses to the way he addressed the problem
Then? I'd seek other places to participate, places where I felt welcome and appreciated. I'm not saying everyone should kowtow or tiptoe around me, but neither would I want to be where the *leader* addresses others this way.
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Daffodil

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Re: Triggered by religious leader
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2018, 04:03:34 AM »
Thanks Moglow. I am unable to close my account without asking him, so I'm going to msg him and ask him to do that and then block his email. It's a shame because there were other nice people on there. And the part of me that grew up with a narcissist keeps telling me I am overreacting.

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moglow

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Re: Triggered by religious leader
« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2018, 08:01:51 AM »
It's an act of will and likely not easy, but you don't have to close your account. You could just walk away from it and stop participating there, even for a while. I know closing the account would remove the temptation but there's nothing to stop you opening a new one later eithet. Maybe just commit yourself to a break, then see how you feel "later." You wouldn't be making a statement to him or triggering a possible second round of censure. He can't force your participation either way. YOU get to make that choice.  :bigwink:


Just think about it.
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Daffodil

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Re: Triggered by religious leader
« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2018, 06:16:57 AM »
Thanks Moglow. I couldn't open a new account because you have to go through the teacher. He controls who goes in and out. It felt like people where still trying to mediate on my behalf, even though I don't believe this person will change. I have read that there is a long long history there of stalking, harrassment, threatening, really unpleasant stuff. In the end I asked him to close my account.

WIsh I didn't always have to take drastic action, but it seems to be the only thing that stops the panic.

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Marya

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Re: Triggered by religious leader
« Reply #5 on: December 02, 2018, 10:49:02 AM »
I am so sorry to hear that you have gone through this.

I have gone through the same thing too, and it is especially traumatic when it comes from someone in such a position wherein we naturally hope they will be MORE kind and understanding than your average person, but they are not. Sometimes, they can come across as even LESS so.

Your fear is also really normal. Have you ever heard of Saint Teresa of Avila? She went through a lot of unusual things, and many religious people treated her terribly. She talked of how difficult and stressful it was, because she felt that she would approach such people with a great reliance on their judgments and reactions, and would suffer very much when their responses were negative.

I do not know what the right course of actions is for you, but I hope that you this person will cease to trouble you, regardless of if you have any contact with them or not in the future.

Many people in these sorts of positions can become very detached, if that is the right word. They deal with so many people, and have such high volumes of people to interact with, that I think they often just become very mechanical in the way they deal with people. Sort of like someone working customer service for a high-volume call center. They might want to be kind and patient and understanding with everyone, but after awhile they just feel so much pressure from so many people with so many viewpoints and concerns, etc., that they sort of tune out, and respond in a more mechanical way, not thinking in a conscientious way of how their mechanical words and actions might affect others because they are just so busy.

It is not ideal, but perhaps that is the situation here. Also, being in a position of authority can make people sort of tune out, when they get used to being in charge a lot. They also tend to get a lot of people finding fault with them as it is - they are in the public eye, and everyone has opinions on how they should do things, and it can cause some of them a lot of stress. This could also make them hypersensitive to an form of legitimate concerns, causing them to again tune out in an attempt at self-protection.

Perhaps you could take the advice of another individual on here, and just step back for awhile to regroup. Maybe you could think of a good way to approach this person and share your concerns, but honestly, when you are dealing with someone in these sorts of positions who handle so many people, it can take a very unusual sort to have the patience to really listen and not just overreact and not want to hear it, or make you feel like you are the issue.

If you can find some way to approach them by first addressing that you understand all that they go through, it might make them more inclined to listen. But it would take some fine-tuned democracy probably and the right timing and the right sort of person (on their end I mean) for it to work, so if it doesn't, don't feel bad. Just claim it as experience and a chance to grow in the face of unkindness. I hope that all goes well for you.







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bgirl12

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Re: Triggered by religious leader
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2018, 04:31:45 PM »
I am so sorry you are upset. What kind of bully chases after you in email when you left the forum? You can't just leave? You have to answer to them first? They have to have the last word? Well, let them. It sounds like you aren't the only one leaving. Gentle hugs to you. Whatever your beliefs are, I encourage you in your faith. I hope you can find another group. I'm sure you brought value to that group and you have a lot to offer. Maybe a new beginning is just the right thing to look forward to.  :)

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Daffodil

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Re: Triggered by religious leader
« Reply #7 on: Yesterday at 06:55:54 AM »
Thanks Marya, you may be right about the mechanical -ness and tuning out but people have tried for months to talk to the teacher about this and got no where. I've shared my concerns and had my words twisted and was then chased with blaming, accusatory words. Even though I and others have left I know that there are people still trying to bring this up in the group. So sorry you've gone through something similar.

bgirl12, thanks for the support. It's really put me off religious groups to be honest.