Any thoughts?

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Adria

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Any thoughts?
« on: December 02, 2018, 09:24:28 PM »
I'm putting this in parent's discussion because many of you know the burnout from taking care of an adult child or children with mental illness.

We purchased a house on an acre of land and built a detached apartment for my mentally ill son. The acre of land and large swimming pool were more than we wanted to take care of, and almost didn't buy the property because of it, yet the second garage was plumbed and wired for living space, so we purchased the property. We thought we would be living there with our son forever, as was advised by our counselor to do this.

Well, things didn't go as planned, and my son is not living with us anymore. We have been here for three years, and it proves to be a very high maintenance piece of land.  Dh says he doesn't mind and does the bulk of the work. I'm exhausted and my health isn't the greatest because of taking care of my son for the last ten years. 

I found a little house, and I do mean little, but it is adorable and bright and sunny on the edge of a golf course in a quaint neighborhood I've always wanted to live in, but didn't feel we could afford. This house is affordable and on a postage stamp piece of land.  Dh and I both fell in love with it, but are not sure if it is a wise investment, or after having all the space and (pool which we have grown to love, as it provided much relief from all the insanity). Anyway, I'm antsy. Dh says he will do whatever I want. The problem is, is I don't know if I want to move just because I'm running, or just because now that son is gone, I want a simple low maintenance life. It will cut our mortgage in half which is good. My daughter says the house is beautiful, but thinks we will go stir crazy.

Do any of you have thoughts on this. I don't want to do the wrong thing. But just driving up to our property overwhelms me because I always see things that need to be done. Also, dh is traveling more for work again, and I think I would feel safer in this neighborhood.  My thoughts are all over the place on this. It just seems like we don't need the acre lot, the apartment sits empty and it's very high maintenance. I may be looking for a reason to run. I don't know.


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Summer Sun

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Re: Any thoughts?
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2018, 09:39:37 PM »
Adria, this Sounds exciting, although I can understand feeling antsy or uncertain, it is a big decision!  It seems there are many benefits - bright, neighbourhood, feeling secure when spouse is away, less maintenance, lower mortgage.  New beginnings can feel cleansing too.

A pool is lovely to have, but is maintenance too.  Public pools just donít offer the same ambiance or privacy.  Do you think youíd go stir crazy?  Perhaps make a list of pros and cons, I always found that helpful when undecided to see where the weight lies. 

I hear you about looking for a reason to run - I almost did this a couple years back but am thankful I did not move on the urge to flee. 

Trust your gut.  Hopefully you donít have to make an immediate decision?

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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Adria

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Re: Any thoughts?
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2018, 09:34:14 AM »
Hi Summer Sun,

I don't think I would go stir crazy because the house is very bright. The thought I woke up with this morning is where would I put my daughter, her husband and her three kids when they come to visit. The new house is only a two bedroom and dh and I sleep in separate rooms. My room would be the bigger room and I would have to give it up to kids jumping on my bed and such. Where we are they have their own rooms and my room is a safe haven. However, do you buy a home for company? The extra money in our pocket to put toward retirement sounds appealing. I did do a pros and cons list. For me, the small house comes out more favorable than it does to dh. I don't know, maybe it's just not time yet. My house is very dark and the thought of living in a sunny house full of windows, I feel, would really lift my spirits. 

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I hear you about looking for a reason to run - I almost did this a couple years back but am thankful I did not move on the urge to flee.

Yes, I have found this to be a pattern with me. If I'm bored or stressed, I start looking at houses. I think it's a form of escapism. It gives offers something else to think about, dream about, and I like moving and starting over. Maybe not always practical.

Thank you for your thoughts, Adria

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practical

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Re: Any thoughts?
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2018, 09:59:22 AM »
Sounds like you found a lovely place. I think sometimes it is healthy to leave things behind, to leave associations behind, and in your case burdens. I don't know how old you are, maintenance of a large property doesn't get easier over time, and so downsizing might be a smart move per se. If you decide against it, could you rent out the apartment you had earmarked for your son to lessen some of the burden?

How often does your daughter and her family come to visit? Could they stay at a nearby hotel, Airbnb or similar during those visits? I admittedly wouldn't let people invade my bedroom either, it is my safe space. I think it is okay to draw this line at some point and say you have to stay somewhere else to your kids. Our kids have done it, the idea was actually theirs.

Also, what does stir crazy mean? You could sit in your sunny living room with a book, pick up a new hobby or reanimate an old one, find people to do things with, join a gym with a pool.

My house is very dark and the thought of living in a sunny house full of windows, I feel, would really lift my spirits. 
This would be the clincher for me, sun, light is really important to me and yes, at least for me, it really helps with my mood. Even grey, rainy days are better with big windows, that let in more of the little light there is on a grey day.  :)
ďIf Iím not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Iím only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?Ē (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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momnthefog

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Re: Any thoughts?
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2018, 10:09:02 AM »
Adria,

About 15 years ago I left the place I'd lived almost 15 years.  I was going through a bad divorce, I was single mom of many kids and needed to work.  It was a rural area with no good job prospects for my background.

I recall going to my pastor for counsel.  He knew I had a lot of friends in my town and a lot of support. 

I wasn't thrilled with his response b/c rather than encourage, he suggested I was running away. 

My response was ....yes I am.  I'm running away from terrible memories.  I'm running away from an abusive alcoholic marriage.  I'm running away from BPDd who drug my name through the mud and an ASPDs who was put in jail.

But I was also running to freedom and a new start, a place where my other children and I have thrived, made new friends, and found a new life.

Just keep in mind that any time you run from something.....you are also running to something.

momnthefog

"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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TiredOfAntics

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Re: Any thoughts?
« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2018, 05:21:31 PM »
Adria,
Downsizing when your kids move out is a common occurrence because it is logical.   Don't spend all your energy doing maintenance on a large home and property.  Do enjoyable things.  When your daughter comes to visit, they can sleep on inflatable mattresses in your living room or spend 8 hours in a hotel each night. 

Don't worry about inflatable mattress comfort.  Last summer, I slept on a Walmart inflatable mattress for a week while I painted a rental home.   It was more comfortable than my overpriced Serta.

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practical

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Re: Any thoughts?
« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2018, 08:36:04 PM »
Well, things didn't go as planned, and my son is not living with us anymore. We have been here for three years, and it proves to be a very high maintenance piece of land.  Dh says he doesn't mind and does the bulk of the work. I'm exhausted and my health isn't the greatest because of taking care of my son for the last ten years. 
[quote/]
I think the underlined might be the key phrase. You had a plan, it didn't work out, so time to come up with a new plane for the new situation. Maybe this new house showing up is a hint/sign it is time to move on?

I agree with momnfthefog, even if it is running away, who says that is a bad thing? We have to take care of ourselves, and if that means leaving your current house, than so be it. You could also see it as being emotionally mature and connected enough to yourself to see your needs, to see reality in the eye, draw the consequences and move on rather than run away. Staying in a bad situation and toughening it out is what many of us learn when living with PDs because sometimes it feels it is all there is. A cultural message of "you have to be strong" and "you can beat this" doesn't help. I think accepting reality, changing course takes a lot of strength.
ďIf Iím not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Iím only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?Ē (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Adria

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Re: Any thoughts?
« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2018, 12:59:49 AM »
Practical,

I can't seem to put my finger on it. Can't really understand why I feel the way I do. The house we are in now is in no way my dream house. We call it the chicken coop, but I managed to make it beautiful, but for some reason I'm overwhelmed by it.

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I think sometimes it is healthy to leave things behind, to leave associations behind, and in your case burdens.

I think you put my feelings into words.  I guess I just don't feel that it's justified.

We are 56 years old, and lately I feel much older after years of raising my children, dh's children, battling narc family stuff and care taking my mentally ill son. Dh has a pretty good handle on the maintenance, but it is never ending, and I get jealous on the weekends when my chores in the house are done and I see him outside doing endless work, and when done, it has to be started all over again.

I had two realtors come over and look at the property, and I asked them about renting the apartment. They said it was too nice to rent and advised against it.

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How often does your daughter and her family come to visit? Could they stay at a nearby hotel, Airbnb or similar during those visits? I admittedly wouldn't let people invade my bedroom either, it is my safe space. I think it is okay to draw this line at some point and say you have to stay somewhere else to your kids. Our kids have done it, the idea was actually theirs.

My daughter and family wouldn't be here near as much if they didn't doctor up here, but the way I see it, that will end and as the kids get bigger and become more involved with friends and school, the visiting will slow down.  Thank you for saying you wouldn't let your bedroom be invaded either. I feel guilty about that, I feel with all those people I will need my space.  There are also suites that can be rented in the neighborhood for guests, so that might work.

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Also, what does stir crazy mean? You could sit in your sunny living room with a book, pick up a new hobby or reanimate an old one, find people to do things with, join a gym with a pool.

Yup, you get it!

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This would be the clincher for me, sun, light is really important to me and yes, at least for me, it really helps with my mood. Even grey, rainy days are better with big windows, that let in more of the little light there is on a grey day.  :)

My thoughts exactly :yes:

Thank you for saying everything I was thinking, but didn't know how to express to dh. You hit it square on the head.



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Adria

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Re: Any thoughts?
« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2018, 01:03:45 AM »
Momnthefog,

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My response was ....yes I am.  I'm running away from terrible memories.  I'm running away from an abusive alcoholic marriage.  I'm running away from BPDd who drug my name through the mud and an ASPDs who was put in jail.

But I was also running to freedom and a new start, a place where my other children and I have thrived, made new friends, and found a new life.

Just keep in mind that any time you run from something.....you are also running to something.

You have much wisdom and wherewithal to come up with that after what your pastor said. Good for you. I love that!!! ;D

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Adria

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Re: Any thoughts?
« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2018, 01:09:12 AM »
TiredofAntics,

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Adria,
Downsizing when your kids move out is a common occurrence because it is logical.   Don't spend all your energy doing maintenance on a large home and property.  Do enjoyable things.  When your daughter comes to visit, they can sleep on inflatable mattresses in your living room or spend 8 hours in a hotel each night. 

Don't worry about inflatable mattress comfort.  Last summer, I slept on a Walmart inflatable mattress for a week while I painted a rental home.   It was more comfortable than my overpriced Serta.

You make wonderful points, and yes, I think I'm feeling guilty about not having proper bedding for the kids and grandkids. You have given me permission and freed up my mind from everything I was stressing about. Dh and I have lived our whole life for our children. We bought this house for son, now we keep thinking we need to stay here for daughter. I just want something just for dh and I because we want to. I wish it wasn't so hard and making me feel selfish. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.


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Adria

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Re: Any thoughts?
« Reply #10 on: December 04, 2018, 01:20:15 AM »
Practical,

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I think the underlined might be the key phrase. You had a plan, it didn't work out, so time to come up with a new plane for the new situation. Maybe this new house showing up is a hint/sign it is time to move on?

I agree with momnfthefog, even if it is running away, who says that is a bad thing? We have to take care of ourselves, and if that means leaving your current house, than so be it. You could also see it as being emotionally mature and connected enough to yourself to see your needs, to see reality in the eye, draw the consequences and move on rather than run away. Staying in a bad situation and toughening it out is what many of us learn when living with PDs because sometimes it feels it is all there is. A cultural message of "you have to be strong" and "you can beat this" doesn't help. I think accepting reality, changing course takes a lot of strength.

Wow! That is beautiful!!!

We have been trying to talk ourselves out of this, mainly because we don't feel we have enough reason to make the change. However, after reviewing everyone's posts, you all have managed to put what has been brewing inside my head into words. You have made me understand these unresolved feelings I've had for quite some time. I told dh that my friends here do not give flippant unthought out answers, and that he would be impressed. We both are and are very grateful for the thought you put into this. You never fail to make sense out of seeming chaos. Lately, I haven't posted much as I feel my thoughts are so jumbled, it's hard to put a sentence together.
Please know, how much I appreciate all of you. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without you. You're the best, Hugs, Adria 
« Last Edit: December 04, 2018, 01:22:03 AM by Adria »

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Summer Sun

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Re: Any thoughts?
« Reply #11 on: December 04, 2018, 11:01:38 AM »
Adria, just want to add that we bought our current home thinking it perfect for our AC and GC to visit, holiday etc.  It had a guest room and for years, I kept a bed in the third bedroom, Just in case.  Well their circumstances changed, they resided in a different country, there were travel difficulties and financial restraints which meant it was easier for us to go to them. 

Eventually, DH talked me into giving away the bed in the third room and converting it to a studio.  Best decision ever!  Now, if they come we have blow up beds.  We LIVE here, they only VISIT, and infrequently at that. 

Sounds like itís time to pack!  I have always felt excited for the moves we did make, new beginnings and change is exciting , as well, it always felt cleansing in some way.  My circumstances for not fleeing a couple years ago were because it would have been for the wrong reasons.  Where I am now, is home, and is perfect for us in every way. 

Wishing you light, love and a fresh new home to make beautiful memories in!

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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Adria

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Re: Any thoughts?
« Reply #12 on: December 04, 2018, 12:04:01 PM »
Summer Sun,

It's true, we think things will usually always be a certain way, but family could move for a job, or who knows what reasons, just like yours did, and my son.

Your post this morning was like a breath of fresh air and sunshine. You and the others have brought so much clarity and joy to this situation. I feel maybe we are on our way to new and bright horizons with some happy memories to pursue.:wave:

I am so happy for you that you have found your perfect home. What a wonderful way to live! :yes:

Thank you so much for taking the time to post. It means a lot. Blessings, Adria

« Last Edit: December 04, 2018, 12:07:04 PM by Adria »