Need to Vent! - Part 2: The tribe of people who get it

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Psuedonym

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Need to Vent! - Part 2: The tribe of people who get it
« on: December 06, 2018, 01:48:16 PM »
I found this when my dad was dying last year and everything was horrific; just when it seemed like I was going to snap, some person, usually a healthcare worker, would do something that made me feel infinitely better and that everything was going to okay (eventually).

Yesterday my uBPD probably N M went on venomous rant after I suggested she might need to go to assisted living. I just called my contact at AL to give her an update. I told her about the 'I don't want live with the depressing sick old people' and she said she'd dealt with that about a million times before and could work with that. While we were talking about it and I was describing her reaction, I asked her if she was at all familiar with personality disorders. She said "I was married to someone with NPD for 17 years" and went on to say that she absolutely understood my situation, that her kids were in therapy because of her husband, that she was really sorry to hear that I grew up with that, and that M definitely wouldn't be the only person in the facility with a PD and that she would work with me to make things happen. When I told her that she and the staff weren't going to see any of the nastiness she said 'oh people thought my H was the greatest guy in the world. I absolutely get it.' It was such a huge relief, like talking to all of you on this forum. It's funny (in the tragic way, not the haha way) how many of us are out there in the world.

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Sojourner17

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Re: Need to Vent! - Part 2: The tribe of people who get it
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2018, 04:33:44 PM »
Hi pseudonym! It is wonderful when you find someone who gets it for sure! I bet you are glad that someone will be the one who will be a bit more hands on with your mom!  I remember when I first told my bf and another childhood friend what was going on. They both said they noticed things when we were teens. It was shocking and I felt sorry bc one friend had to deal with some of my mothers nastiness but at the same time a relief.
It IS amazing how widespread this behaviour actually is even though it can also be so hidden.
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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practical

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Re: Need to Vent! - Part 2: The tribe of people who get it
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2018, 04:45:20 PM »
What a relief to have found a social worker from "the tribe". Wish you weren't in the situation you are in, but as this is what you are facing, I'm happy for you as the odds have just shifted in your favor.

Staying hands off from your M like WI suggested in the other post is definitely important. No shoving things under the carpet - literally or figuratively. M insisted on going to the city without shoes because she was feeling so happy/high during a manic phase, well, suit yourself (she was dxbipolar, but without appropriate treatment as she never told her doctors the truth about how she was doing). The police picked her up and she was committed and finally got proper treatment. Something as idiotic and simple as not wearing her shoes did it, after all our attempts to go through channels, talking to doctors, social workers etc. and ending nowhere as they couldn't do anything, till she did something - catch 22 big time there  :roll:  - the shoes finally did it. Your M might have a similar slip up where she crosses a line she never realized was there.

Keep your calm till then, you are doing great!
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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spring13

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Re: Need to Vent! - Part 2: The tribe of people who get it
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2018, 05:41:30 PM »
Psuedonym, I am so glad the social worker truly gets it. I have no doubt this will make a difficult situation a little bit easier.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Need to Vent! - Part 2: The tribe of people who get it
« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2018, 02:32:30 AM »
 :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :woohoo: :righton: :thewave: :drinks: :groovey:

Yes, I'm *very* happy for you!   ;D

It sounds like you've got this situation firmly handled, now that you have somebody in the know on your side - and somebody who can use the system to work in your favor. (Not by underhanded means, of course, but by knowing what to look for, in terms of what your mom says/does.)

Practical is right - you never know *what* is going to be that tipping point.  For her mom, it was no shoes.

For Ray, it was his sheer determination to get me over there and NOT press his Life Alert after a fall that was actually minor, thinking the Visiting Nurse or the cops would *drag* me over and make me take care of him.   :roll:

All Ray saw was WIN!  I must WIN!  I WILL WIN!  The girl WILL take care of me!   :pissed:

By stubbornly laying  on the floor and refusing the help *within his grasp!*, Ray wound up with a grade 4 pressure ulcer, which is why APS pulled rank and *made* him go to the hospital, where the shrink pissed him off, so he answered his *own* questions, thinking he was working his *own* agenda - which blew up spectacularly when Ray got himself declared incompetent and unable to make any decisions for himself.   :doh:

A few days later, when I talked to him and he tore me a new one, he was completely lucid and back to his old self - enough to even give me the Silent Treat.   :roll:

But alas, at his age, you don't get to unring the "incompetent" bell, so he'd also crossed a line he didn't know was there.

I'm SO glad one of The Tribe is your ally, and won't question why you've decided to step out of the picture and let your mom do her thing, without you covering for her.   :sunny:

She knows what you know - they *don't* age well.  They age *horribly* and think we owe them our complete attention, 24/7, and *total* obedience, while they maintain complete *control.*

The safety net will work - your role has just changed, that's all.  You're now in contact with Team Authorities *only* - and they know to keep an eye on your mom.

And if the Social Worker is *really* good, she'll know how to word things so your mom thinks moving to assisted living *is her very own brilliant idea.*   :rofl:

 :hug:

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louisebt

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Re: Need to Vent! - Part 2: The tribe of people who get it
« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2018, 10:30:05 AM »
We have a home care worker who cared for her alcoholic likely PD mum for 8 yrs with dementia at home :P before coming into care work. The first time she came in she said to me 'your mum is just like my mother'- she came for an hour today and most of the time was mediating and talking both me and mum through the stress and communication issues rather than practical stuff. She totally gets it and is worth her weight in gold.

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Psuedonym

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Re: Need to Vent! - Part 2: The tribe of people who get it
« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2018, 02:48:39 PM »
Thank you guys!!

I so appreciate your support. The lady at assisted living is pretty genius. She said that, while she's not glad she broke her arm, that this type of event is the best way to get someone over to AL in that it's 'just temporary until she gets better' during which time she gets used to being waited on. WI, that level of mulish stubbornness from Ray is astounding. Wow. My M is different in that she thrives on attention and doesn't really care who its from. My bf said it best when he said she's like our cats: if we died, the cats would go live with someone else and be perfectly happy as long as they got their kibble on time. It was really spooky when my dad died last year and she seemed totally unaffected other than not having all the shit done for her that she expected. I truly think she sees people as an  interchangeable source of supply, but she's really pretty damn good at disguising it.

As to the *her very own brilliant idea.*, boy you hit the nail on the head. The AL director and the nurse met with her today, and I talked to the director afterwards. She said M said 'will you bring me meals?' and they said yes but the goal is to get her down to the dining room so she can be with other people, at which point she said 'well, i can't go down there in my pjs' and they explained that in AL they would help her get dressed and she could call them at any time for assistance. She acted like this was all news to her that she'd never heard before and said that sounded wonderful since she hated sitting alone in her room all day (her choice). This is the same woman who three days before the Xanax prescription is due for a refill is on the phone with the doctor and the pharmacy like clockwork to make sure that gets taken care of.

 :doh:

I tell you what's really refreshing already is being able to tell the AL director she's full of shit and her saying  'yep, I get it.' The 'your M is such a sweet old lady' routine is something that grates on me in a way I'm sure only you all can fully understand.

louisebt, I'm so glad you found a health care worker who gets it and I feel so bad for her having to do that 8 years in what I'm sure was hell.

Thanks again for all your support! Hugs to everybody.