Nothing like a nervous breakdown for the Holidays

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LSK1999

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Nothing like a nervous breakdown for the Holidays
« on: December 06, 2018, 03:53:01 PM »
Hi everyone, I am not doing well and haven't posted in a while. I decided it's time to seek support here again.  Going LC with my NM for the first time in 42 years have proven to be the hardest and scariest thing I have ever had to do. With the holidays approaching I seemed to reach my C-PTSD threshold for stress, I was barely managing as it was. One day about 4 weeks ago while out I had an epic panic attack at the local gas station and I have been a mess ever since. I have spent the last month suffering from panic attacks and flashbacks that seem to last for days. I am pretty much homebound at this point and a wreck. The depression is severe and the anxiety worse. I recently doubled my dose of meds and am hoping in time this will help. It's horrible because I can't seem to find the grief or the anger anymore only fear. My thanksgiving was spent alone in my room as the anxiety was too intense to visit. I did not see my mother for the first time ever on her birthday or thanksgiving and the fear was crippling. It's like I convinced myself there was really something to be terrified of and I can't seem to shake it now. What a mess, I have been here before and it's so discouraging. I just wondered if anyone else can offer advice or a similar reaction as I feel so alone. God Bless all and hope you guys are faring better than me.  :stars:

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coyote

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Re: Nothing like a nervous breakdown for the Holidays
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2018, 04:49:22 PM »
LSK,
I am truly sorry to hear this. It does sound like you are going through a terrible time. The FOG can have us entrenched in Fear and it can be paralyzing. In his book "The Four Agreements" Don Miguel Ruiz proposes Fear to be the root cause of all our other negative emotions; guilt, anger, anxiety, depression, etc. Once we truly examine the fear we see there is no cause for it.

I mean what can your mother really do to you for not seeing her? I am not minimizing what you have been through with mom but I am trying to reframe how you look at it; to empower you to be happy and live fear free. I hope you doubled your meds on the doctor's advice. If not please try to see your doctor ASAP.

Bottom line this is a hard time of the year for many of us. Going NC or LC is hard though and there never seems to be a really good time for it. I'm glad you were able to reach out here for support. Please keep us up to date. Praying that God grant you peace and strength.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

ďThe only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.Ē  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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all4peace

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Re: Nothing like a nervous breakdown for the Holidays
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2018, 05:12:00 PM »
Please know that we all have setbacks, sometimes really bad ones. It doesn't erase your past healing, and it doesn't need to stay this way. I have found it helpful in the past to simply allow it to be what it is and to try not to panic.

You're on a healing journey, and sometimes there are setbacks. Having not been properly parented, we also didn't internalize the truth that setbacks are ok, they're normal, and they won't last. It doesn't make us bad, flawed or hopeless.

Here's what I learned from T:
We're on a journey. Sometimes we fall in the river, get swept away and feel like we're drowning. We're not. We just had a relapse. What we do is swim to shore, get out and go back to where we started again. For me, that was settling into severe fear and discomfort and just riding it out. It wasn't going to last forever--I told myself--and it didn't. I reminded myself it would happen over and over again. It took longer between bouts, and they moved through faster. I stopped fighting them and just rode them out.

Don't beat yourself up. Please talk to yourself kindly. You're already doing a good thing by coming here for support. You will make it through this. It is hard, but it isn't fatal. You're facing your fears and asking for support, and that is tremendous.

Hugs to you, sweetie. This is so hard and I'm so sorry for how badly you've been suffering.

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Adria

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Re: Nothing like a nervous breakdown for the Holidays
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2018, 06:16:00 PM »
 :yeahthat: I think all4peace and coyote nailed it.

You are not alone honey. It sounds like the good ole crippling holiday cheer that a lot of us feel this time of year in this situation.  The new year is just around the corner. Things will look brighter then. Be kind and patient with yourself. "And this too shall pass." Hugs, Adria

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Amadahy

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Re: Nothing like a nervous breakdown for the Holidays
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2018, 06:50:16 PM »
Oh, how I know this!  You are not alone.  We really do reach a trauma tipping point and, during this winter season, allow the rest and gentleness that will help calm frayed nerves.  There is no quick fix, so breathe deep and remind yourself, "I am safe, I am safe." Eat good foods, drink lots of water, sleep all you need, listen to soothing music, practice any arts or hobbies that give you joy.

Sending gentle hugs and reassurance that although you feel a wreck, you are strong and capable and your amazing mind/body is telling you now to tend it w the loving care you deserve.
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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Morocha2015

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Re: Nothing like a nervous breakdown for the Holidays
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2018, 08:10:08 PM »
I hope my story can help, this happened a few weeks ago. My HPD mom texted me inviting herself over for Christmas. I explained that I'd already made plans with friends and that wouldn't work for me. After going back and forth and her trying to guilt trip me, my ASPD Dad texted that she was coming anyway. I told him no, please respect that I already had plans, and she can come another time. He texted back in bold letters I'M DONE!

I got in my bed and sobbed. It felt like my world had caved in and I was an unlovable little girl again. I sulked around for three days. But after that, I realized something. I was terrified of my father, but even more afraid that he would abandon me. So the thing I'd been afraid of my whole life had happened- and I was still alive! It was a very freeing feeling. A few days later I emailed my mother telling her not to contact me anymore. She sent a text back telling how I'd broken her heart, etc. But that was it. And to be honest, I'm a little hurt that no one chased after me. It just confirms the unconditional love I needed from them was never there.

You are strong enough to get through this. You owe it to yourself to take care of you for a change. I highly recommend the book Healing from Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse by Shannon Thomas, which is specifically for people in relationships with narcs and Antisocial. It's helping me immensely. Stay strong. You can do this. And you're not alone. ❤️

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all4peace

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Re: Nothing like a nervous breakdown for the Holidays
« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2018, 08:18:56 PM »
Morocha brings up a great point and reminded me of something I read that rang true to me: "The thing you are most afraid of has already happened." For me, it was losing key family relationships. There is something freeing (and very painful and grievous) about realizing we have already realized our deepest fears and survived.

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Juniperberry

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Re: Nothing like a nervous breakdown for the Holidays
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2018, 09:20:07 PM »
Iím so sorry you are dealing with this.  It sounds like you are already receiving some kind of mental health care and are on some type of medication.  However, given your level of suffering, it sounds like itís time for more medical interventions.  I would encourage you to tell your doctor/psychiatrist/whoever manages your meds that you are struggling to leave your house.  This is a very serious thing to be facing, and they need to know this new development in order to treat you appropriately.

I understand that doing this involves leaving your house, which is a struggle, so itís a vicious cycle.  However, enlist whatever help you need to get yourself there to share this turn of events with your doctor.  There is relief to be had with the right treatment.  Once youíre more stable, then you can deal with your family problems much more effectively.  I think you need to stay in survival mode for now and focus on getting yourself back to functioning.

Sending you good wishes. 


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LSK1999

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Re: Nothing like a nervous breakdown for the Holidays
« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2018, 01:32:33 AM »
Thanks all for your kind words and support. I have been struggling with going out of the house for quite a while now and have had this problem on several different occasions but I always seem to make it out. I am receiving medical care and my dosage was upped by my doctor. Struggling to leave the house has been an ongoing thing with me on and off over the years, my doctor works with me this way and understands. I haven't held a job for more than 6 years so this isn't really anything super new. I have periods where I do much better. I was denied disability despite the fact that I have been diagnosed with a major depressive disorder, GAD, panic disorder with bouts of agoraphobia  :stars: The denial stated that my condition wasn't serious enough. I know now for the first time that my condition is really C-PTSD. The good news is I seem to be getting the panic under control....but my nerves are just shot to hell right now...my emotions feel so out of control. Flashback management is new to me  but I'm learning to practice the techniques taught by Pete Walker, I'm not the best yet at it but I hope I will get better with more practice and time. Thanks again for all your love and support. It means the world to me. God Bless all of you  :)

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Psuedonym

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Re: Nothing like a nervous breakdown for the Holidays
« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2018, 05:10:05 PM »
I'm so sorry, LSK1999,

I have been going through a whirlwind of shit myself this week, with my uBPD M first breaking her arm and then throwing a week long tantrum over the reality of going to assisted living. More than once I have told my BF, this is it, I can't take any more, I'm going to lose my shit, and he has said (because he's wise) but you're not, you're going to get through this. I've felt close to having a panic attack several times, found myself just petering out mid-sentence because i had no idea what I was saying, and realized while I was driving that I had no idea where I was going.

I have learned this and I believe it and believe its true for you, too. When you're going through these awful, terrible experiences, you're actually making positive steps. You have resisted doing it before of the fear of what would happen, but now you're actually doing it, and its awful, but you're surviving it and you will survive it. This is a step you needed to take and everybody here understands that. Anybody who doesn't understand it can $#%@ right off. You are strong and you can do this and know that you're not alone in dealing with this $#%@!
« Last Edit: December 07, 2018, 05:12:05 PM by Psuedonym »

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Psuedonym

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Re: Nothing like a nervous breakdown for the Holidays
« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2018, 05:11:33 PM »
 also:  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

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all4peace

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Re: Nothing like a nervous breakdown for the Holidays
« Reply #11 on: December 08, 2018, 11:55:16 AM »
LSK, I'm so thankful you reached out for support here. You have been facing so much for so long. Have you heard about adrenal fatigue? When in fight/flight for too long, the body can have adrenal collapse that can take a while to heal from. On really low days, sometimes we can only manage very small types of self-care, even just getting enough water to drink is a step in the right direction. Hugs to you.

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nanotech

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Re: Nothing like a nervous breakdown for the Holidays
« Reply #12 on: December 10, 2018, 06:30:36 AM »
After the anger subsides and settles, and the relief of LC or NC becomes a regular friend, then we can, for a while, become vulnerable to self -sabotage. Those feelings of shame that we are so used to feeling, fighting and lamenting over, ironically  leave a huge emotional gap.
We should fill the gap with self -love, but we are conditioned to regularly feel shame. So often, we end up carrying on where the narcissist left off!!!!!!!! 

Youíve freed your body, all youíve got to do now it treat your mind kindly. Nurture your inner child. Be that parent to yourself that you needed. Donít continue the dysfunction. I used to do this, self shaming to the nth degree,now I treat myself well., I make sure I have self -compassion. Iíve stopped doing the old song and dance.

You deserve compassion and you deserve help. Iím sorry you have been refused some  of the help you need from your health authority. That hasnt helped you feel validated. The fact is, that they donít really understand this type of abuse, and what it can do to a person. 

I think that is changing though, as society becomes more aware. Work in progress I guess.

You are strong. I like that you say that you always seem to get out of the house in the end. I see strength and power and determination in that. I see self love and self respect emerging.
In the face of everything thatís happened to you, you are scoring victories every single day. Well done. Iím sending lots of hugs xxxxx Drop the rope and just enjoy your life. Look for gratitudes every day. Give yourself praise and inner hugs, whether itís a good day or not. Every day you get more free.

 Donít replace the negative voices with your own negativity - itís a way of carrying on doing the old song and dance for them.  Itís familiar, and the years of hearing it are difficult to extinguish at first. We might even sort of crave it, as we feel we deserve nothing better. We couldnít be more wrong.
Feel proud of your actions. You are incredibly strong and brave.
Try to separate your thoughts from you. Because they are often NOT you. Look for how you feel, not what you think. Hug yourself and tell yourself, Ď Iím okayí . You are! 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️