Hi, Call Me Cordelia

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Call Me Cordelia

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Hi, Call Me Cordelia
« on: December 06, 2018, 04:51:14 PM »
Hi everybody, I've been lurking for a little while and decided to bite the bullet and register. I've been coming Out of the FOG for just over a year now. I just couldn't take my parents' emotional abuse and complete lack of caring anymore while postpartum and asked for some space while I took care of myself and my new baby. I took care of my physical health and started therapy. Meanwhile, my parents' reactions were just plain psychotic. I soon discovered personality disorders and figured out with my therapist that the criteria fit no less than 19 people between my FOO and my husband's. Maybe more but at that point adding to the list was pointless. We couldn't think of a single healthy person. All PD and/or severely codependent. Both DH and I are nons, thank the Lord, and he's supportive and loyal to me but still pretty FOGged with regard to his parents and grandparents (PDs all! Whee!) :cascade:

So now I'm NC with my entire FOO and it's going to stay that way. I started setting boundaries and they showed me who they are one by one. I broke NC exactly once to send a cease and desist to my parents. If they violate that they will get a restraining order for their trouble. My siblings and BIL are "supportive" but untrustworthy in every way and really don't care. I only ever heard from them when they wanted something. I don't miss any of them at all. Really it feels good to dump that responsibility for them all I've carried my whole life. I get sad sometimes now, and the anger comes and goes too but I've done a ton of writing and working through my memories and triggers. The ruminating is seriously improved. I'm also finding and working to fix my fleas... I've got multiple kids and of course I want to be a good mother to them! And sometimes I sound just like my father!  :doh: But overall I have a good relationship with my kids. Oldest is 8 so I'm hopeful I haven't permanently screwed up yet. And I am really good at apologizing. Now to make them necessary less often. I definitely don't yell as much as I did! Just having the stress of my FOO gone is a big help there. I would be anxious for days before and after visits with them, which I now realize was a normal reaction! When I think about just how many PDs I've had surrounding me, and how much healthier I am in just one year, I feel kind of like Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee taking on a ridiculous number of enemies. Of course I'm going to win too!  ;D

The part of recovery I'm struggling with a LOT is silencing my inner critic. I've only recently started Pete Walker's book and that clicked with me. The perfectionism defense is so me! In the book he writes that one part of the critic is noticing every little thing that could possibly be wrong with me. The other is noticing every possible thing that could be a source of danger. Wow. Those two parts could be very well personified by my parents. My dad flipping out at me because the shades on the windows were uneven by a quarter inch or I didn't get the baseboards white-glove clean in one spot. My mother refusing to let us run for cross-country because we'd get raped in the park in the middle of the afternoon in a safe suburb, and as kids making us play right in front of the kitchen window so she could see us, making almost all of our big perfectly safe yard off-limits.  :sadno:

So now that my whole FOO is flushed, DH and I are working on setting boundaries with his FOO. He had a direct talk with his mother after months of stalling just last night. We've been married 10 years just about and the ILs have NEVER been respectful of me. So DH communicated very clearly that until they apologize and make some real change in being sincerely respectful of me, there will be no relationship between me and them or between them and our children. We haven't had a chance to fully Monday-morning quarterback it, but he left the talk feeling mostly optimistic. There were a few PD gems he did pass on but the one that says it all is that MIL is so swamped with her own life that she may not be able to deal with this until she retires in a few years.  :stars: So I'm really not sure where the optimism comes in. Sounds to me like she inadvertently gave me exactly what I want:  :wave: So I'M feeling optimistic! I'll probably be posting more about that side of the Cordelia Saga shortly.

So, this forum has been helpful to me just as lurker, because it is so validating!!! I feel like I'm healthy enough now to start paying it forward by participating. I have a pretty good sense of humor. And y'all will tell me if I overdo it on the emojis? So many of them are just great.  8-) :thumbup: ;D

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coyote

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Re: Hi, Call Me Cordelia
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2018, 05:02:50 PM »
Welcome to OOTF,
If your screen name is any part of your real name please change it for confidentiality sake. You will find a lot of stories here similar to your as I am sure you have already seen Don Miguel Ruiz in his book "The Four Agreements" talks of the judge, his term for that inner critic. I really like this book as it is very profound but an easy read.

Boundaries are so important in all our relationships, especially when the relationship involves a PD. I'm glad you an H are able to come together on this. We are glad to have you here and I look forward to seeing you on the boards.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Hi, Call Me Cordelia
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2018, 05:16:10 PM »
Nope, not my real name! Thanks for the welcome.

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all4peace

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Re: Hi, Call Me Cordelia
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2018, 05:17:22 PM »
Welcome!

First of all, nobody's going to judge your emoji use :D

I love your energy and good sense. Your health shines through. You're self examining, using boundaries, being realistic. All good.

I'm a mama, too, and one who grew up in a likely PD family, then married into another one. Safe House has been a good book for me. One helpful point is that we can mess up quite a bit as parents, and the repair work is even more important than the original mess-up. They're learning experiences for us and our kiddos, and model how healthy relationships work.

That said, having PD behavior out of your life is a huge boost. It was only after we finally got a safe distance from both sides that I realized how much tension I had been holding inside myself. So, that resonates with me quite a bit. Eight years old gives you a LOT of time to model your newly adopted skills and beliefs. You've got this!

Welcome and I look forward to hearing more from you in the future.

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StayWithMe

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Re: Hi, Call Me Cordelia
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2018, 06:31:17 PM »
Nope, not my real name! Thanks for the welcome.

How's the King these days?  and your sisters, too?  Haven't read much about them since high school....... ;D

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Hi, Call Me Cordelia
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2018, 10:45:16 PM »
Shakespeare has helped me more than any other author!

All4Peace, thank you for those kind words. Just internalizing the idea that "It is okay for me to make mistakes," is a huge huge change for me. My kids' mistakes drive me batty sometimes but I always knew somehow that's how they learn and I tried really hard to let them do for themselves as much as appropriate, even while in the FOG. But moi?!?  :aaauuugh: Inconceivable! I must do everything perfectly at all times! I used to regularly moan to my husband that I was failing at everything. while discounting everything I have done, even excellently, as no big deal and merely my duty. Poor man had no idea how to help me. I haven't done that for quite some time, so maybe I'm doing better with the critic than I thought. Since I've expelled the forces driving the critic out of my life mostly I feel like I have the ability to see that critic for what it is. But it's there a LOT. And that's irritating and exhausting.

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all4peace

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Re: Hi, Call Me Cordelia
« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2018, 11:00:06 PM »
Cordelia, one thing I've learned about being a mother, coming from a PD family system, is that there didn't seem to be ANY safe place to make mistakes. It wasn't that I needed to look like a perfect mom, it was that raising children was SO important that I didn't think I could do a single thing wrong without possibly destroying them.

I'm further along than you, so let me reassure you that our kiddos just need us to be consistent, loving and nurturing. Lots and lots of other things can be let go. :)

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Hi, Call Me Cordelia
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2018, 11:57:37 PM »
Yes, that's exactly it! "The Perfect Mom" wasn't a persona for public viewing, it was an absolute mandate from within my brain.

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StayWithMe

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Re: Hi, Call Me Cordelia
« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2018, 04:13:20 AM »
Nope, not my real name! Thanks for the welcome.

How's the King these days?  and your sisters, too?  Haven't read much about them since high school....... ;D

I thought it was Goneril who showed King Lear the most loyalty to him.  But he mistreated her in favor of her sisters.

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all4peace

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Re: Hi, Call Me Cordelia
« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2018, 06:46:47 AM »
Yikes, and when I say "further along" I mean my kids are older.

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StayWithMe

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Re: Hi, Call Me Cordelia
« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2018, 11:07:03 AM »
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Really it feels good to dump that responsibility for them all I've carried my whole life. I get sad sometimes now, and the anger comes and goes too but I've done a ton of writing and working through my memories and triggers.

I have this problem with both my parents as well.  It hit me one that I had never had  an adult to adult conversation with either of my parents.  They always had to leave the conversation criticing something and offering useless advice.  Then I realized that whenI evaluated that advice they would bece\ome really angry which says that they were never interested in wanting to be helpful....... just always trying to remind you who is (supposed to be) boss.