Meeting with sis after 8 months NC

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thirstywork

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Meeting with sis after 8 months NC
« on: December 06, 2018, 09:38:13 PM »
Iím not sure exactly why I have signed up to do this.
8 months ago my malevolent BPD sis and I had a big blowout fight which lead me here, and a few other revelationary places and I saw the light. She was giving me the silent treatment so I comfortably slipped into NC and learned to gray rock my entire flying monkey, enabling family. They tried so hard to guilt me into speaking to her and apologising (I didnít do anything at all) just to make it all go away, but I didnít, and eventually all but my mum stopped asking.
Fast forward to September, she messages me asking to meet to Ďtalk it all throughí but says sheís too busy to meet right away. I decided grey rock was the best way forward so I just said something like Ďsureí.
Now weíre here, and she wants to meet for coffee tomorrow and Iíve somehow agreed to it thinking I can just be all medium chill and nod my way through the meeting.
Firstly, I question myself why I even agreed to this? My life has been a million times better without her. I donít feel any remorse, or guilt, just clarity that she has been abusive towards me my whole life. She doesnít need me or miss me in any way, she needs the ego boost that she can hoover me back in. Weíve crossed paths at a family function once since then, and although she complained to everyone about it to the high heavens, it simply wasnít that awkward that we werenít speaking.

I think I agreed because Iím trying to get my enabling family off my back. I think perhaps I view it as the path of least resistance. If I donít meet with her then thatís another battle won for her to continue painting her masterpiece for the family on why Iím a Bad Person, cue more Ďbut sheís your sister and sheís sickí chorus from the fam.

Secondly, what the heck am I gonna say to her when she asks me difficult things? Because in my heart I feel that Iím not interested in any kind of a relationship with her, that I see through her manipulations now and I think what she does to everyone in her life is despicable and impossible to watch. With all that bubbling underneath, what if I slip? What if she asks me to apologise? Sheís said to family members that thatís what she wants and expects. I canít. I canít dole out fake apologies for something I didnít do. My only plan at the moment is to keep asking her to explain what exactly it is that Iím apologising for until she talks herself in circles and out of the question, but I have no idea if that would actually work. What happens when the conversation goes dead because every sentence I say has 2 words? I want her to say to everyone that I was boring, not that I was rude and a b*tch. I want to give her the opposite of ammunition.

Any last minute tips?!

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all4peace

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Re: Meeting with sis after 8 months NC
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2018, 10:13:48 PM »
Find your solid ground. I can't speak for you, but for me it is
-who i am
-what i accept/stand for
-what i can offer

Remember--you don't need to answer any question you don't want to answer. You can say:
-i'm not comfortable talking about that
-i don't have an answer for you at this time
-i don't see it the way you do
-i accept your assessment of me, although i do not agree with it

etc.

You have no control whatsoever over what she thinks about you or repeats to others. You only have what you know to be true. If you don't have a good reason for YOU for doing this, then don't. Understand that it may not improve things, it may make them worse, and either way you may have reasons for and against doing this.

You do not owe this to your family. They will think whatever they're going to think. They may think you're terrible for not meeting with her, and they may still think you're terrible if you do meet with her. Make your decision for you.

We'll be here for you!
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 11:24:00 PM by all4peace »

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D.Dan

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Re: Meeting with sis after 8 months NC
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2018, 11:21:26 PM »
 :yeahthat:

I also want to point out that you can leave when you feel like it. You're not obligated to sit there and get verbally beaten down by her.

I've read some recommendations of a time limit. Maybe have a friend text or call with an emergency after 15- 20 minutes to get you out of there.

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Bloomie

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Re: Meeting with sis after 8 months NC
« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2018, 01:28:33 PM »
thirstywork - just seeing this today... thinking you are meeting today. Will be here when you are ready to share how you are doing after this meeting. :hug:
Bloomie 🌸

The reality is that you cannot have an emotionally mature reciprocal mutual adult relationship with someone who is not emotionally and psychologically an adult.