Am I being too touchy?

[Adria]

Dh's family has never let me in. It has been thirty years of me going above and beyond to no avail.  You know how these kinds of people always attack through our children.  I have taught my kids to always be respectful and kind, but dh's mother has done the opposite where I'm concerned.  So, my children have been accepted. So, in the past they always swoon over my kids in front of me, send them gifts at birthdays and Christmas and I'm always left out or given an ugly card or something.

Anyway, last night, dh's sister sent me and dh a text of her son becoming a doctor.  I have not received a text or phone call return from this woman since dh and I have been married.  But, she needed to brag I guess, so I was now included.  I was so glad my kids were left off of her text. She probably didn't have their phone numbers. 

After, being shut out completely from my family of origin and then again from dh's, I can sometimes get triggered easily, and I think this might be one of those times.

I congratulated SIL for her son's achievement. 

Later last night, dh came in the room and said he had sent SIL's text to my kids.  I instantly felt upset inside. I probably shouldn't have. Dh probably just wanted my kids included. However, I'm never included on his family's side or with his kids (that I raised).  The older I get, I feel like I want my kids for me. I don't want him perpetually shoving them toward his family, as it just makes me feel even more left out. 

Sorry if I sound like a cry baby right now, but I'm so tired of it all.  I just want to have something for me.  Dh, me and my kids live across the country from his family and mine to get away from all their ugly games and manipulation. I just wish he could leave it that way where me and my kids are concerned.  Should I say something or let it go?

[Starboard Song]

Wow. You are being very bravely honest and insightful about your emotions. You describe the feeling of wanting something for yourself very well. I think it makes total sense, especially when there is the toxicity involved.

For my part, I'd say two things: your emotions seem to me to be very reasonable and natural, not at all foolish. And still, I'd let it go.

I think of it this way: this text is tiny and totally valid. In a healthy family, we'd all want more of that and not less. It feels like your concern about the text going to the kids is not because (1) it will entangle them, (2) they'll feel forced to reply, or (3) it asks for gifts.

It seems to me that maybe, like a lot of us, you have an injustice meter that has been rendered highly sensitive after years of over-work. My injustice meter redlines in a heartbeat. And when it redlines, I want very much to stop something, fix something, or have some argument. It happened this morning, when I received a rare correspondence from my in-laws. But I got hold of myself, and realized that my injustice meter is not my friend. The correspondence I saw made me flare up. But it didn't actually do harm, and it wasn't my job to fix it.

I figure it is a wonderful thing when someone becomes a doctor, and it must be wonderful to receive congratulations. It is harmless enough to hear of good-tidings, and so that's fine too. I'd save your powder for a day when there is a real entanglement that does harm. But don't make fun of your feelings. I'd even share them with your husband. He should know about these hard spots, all along. Knowing now, that you sometimes struggle, will help prime him for the day he needs to stand up for his DW.

[SweetTea]

I don't think you were being too touchy. You were triggered. It happens to all of us. In my case, I am blissfully no contact with entire in-law family for over two years. Yet when someone exhibits a seemingly NPD behavior/traits toward me that in any way mirrors theirs, I still go instantly into fight or flight mode. Then I have to talk myself through it.

Do you think you can talk to DH to explain how it made you feel (like you did here) and see if you can come up with a plan (boundary) for the next time anything similar occurs? Like....him simply asking you if you'd like to shared it with your children and respecting the answer, or, if they are shared children with him, discussion if it should be shared with the children, and if so, you will feel in the loop because you had a hand in the dissemination of information?

[Adria]

Starboard Song,

Thank you so much for the validation of my feelings. Sometimes, like you say, the injustice meter (good way putting it) can throw us off and leave us wondering how valid our feelings really are, or if we have the right to feel a certain way. Getting triggered I would say is appropriate. I always seem to forget the getting triggered thing.  Also, I like what you said about it didn't do harm and you didn't have to fix it.  I will keep those thoughts in mind for next time. 

I wouldn't have said anything to SIL, but I was wondering about saying something to dh (I guess I didn't make that clear.)  I did end up talking to dh. Usually, he would think I was just being funny about something, but this time, he said he understood and will not make himself the go between in the future, so all is well.

[Adria]

Thank you Sweet Tea,

I guess I didn't think of the getting triggered thing.  Probably because my family of origin always told me I'm too sensitive, too touchy, etc., so I always think there is something wrong with my feelings. I struggle with that all the time, never thinking that something could trigger me and that is okay if I know what to do with it.

I did talk with dh about my feelings, and he understood.  Like you said, he will either ask if it's okay to forward texts in the future, or just leave it up to me.  I guess I was afraid of starting something with him, but it turned out well.