Is Splitting the Finances Valid in a Christian Marriage?

[thedoghousedweller]

I started working with a new counselor who told me that I need to "force" my uSPDw (S = schizoid) to get back to work.  The back story is that she was ill several years ago and claims that God told her to "rest," and she is awaiting further instruction.  We have struggled financially for ten years now.  I had a low-paying job for a while and, admittedly, took some risks in starting a business that I regret.  I confessed my part in taking such risks to our family welfare to my wife years ago.  Now, I have a better job, but we are still not making ends meet.  I had offered options of moving to a less expensive home, sending our kid to an in-state college, or her getting a job, but was rebuffed on all, particularly the last one.

USPDw has an advanced degree and advanced licensing for her field but claims she cannot work, as God "told" her not to.  When I told her that I cannot make enough money to cover our expenses and that we need to reduce expenses more, she said we "need to pray more."  She spends significant sums of money on medical tests and medicine, and that is part of our financial dilemma.  She was told by a "Christian" counselor that it's the man's job to fund the family.  (It so happens that the counselor now has a full-time job herself as a wife and mother.)

My thought now is that the only way to do this is to limit her spending by force.  I would setup a separate bank account, give her a debit card and put her on a budget. I know that it could be viewed as one step closer to divorce (which I do not want), but as it is, we sleep in separate rooms in the house, have meals separately, buy groceries separately, watch movies separately, and I do anything social or church-oriented on my own as schizoids don't socialize. 

I need to gain control over the finances somehow, but I want to do it in a biblical manner.  Is this the right path?

[square]

In my opinion.

She has framed the marriage as you being in charge of finances.

You cannot have responsibility without power. That's just physics.

So as a Christian husband, I believe you can indeed take responsibility for the finances as you have described.

Lovingly and responsibly providing her access to a debit card and reasonable portion of the marital income, while also providing food, roof, etc.

As a loving provider, you are responsible for ensuring the family does not sink into debt or other financial risks. That includes ensuring the family stays within its means.

She likely has a pathological expectation that as a provider, you are responsible for ensuring she gets everything she wants, and believes you are required to match your income to her spending, rather than the other way around.

The way I see it, you can lean into your provider role. If you are the head of the house, so be it. If she complains you don't make enough, let it roll off and say that of course you are looking to increase your income (doesn't mean you are actively taking steps to do so at this time... or ever...) and you are responsible for the solvency of the family and will thus arrange it accordingly.

I do not use a debit card, so I wonder about the following:

Can you get a card that has NO credit option?

Is there an enforcable limit to how much she can overspend on it? I recall overdrafts are usually honored and charged $35+ per charge, rather than declined at point of sale. You may be willing to eat one or more overdrafts per month if it ends there, but what if there is no limit or the limit is too high?

Perhaps you'd want to use a prepaid card and fill it up each pay period instead.

I don't know if you have much or any control over medical expenses.

I feel you. The circumstances are different, but finances are a problem for me as well, and I am having to deal with financial problems I cannot control.

[thedoghousedweller]

Thanks Square. I believe the debit card might work.   I just dread the fallout. 

You are correct in the pathological thought pattern.   

DHD

[Mary]

I don't see how your proposed solution of a separate account is leading to divorce. You are just setting things up so you can break even. She needs a reality check, and you are setting that up for her. It is a boundary issue. If she wants to spend more, she can 1) take you up on your suggestions to cut spending elsewhere, or 2) earn more. As long as you are providing her basic necessities, I don't think anyone would fault you for taking measures to protect your family's assets. There are lots of single-earner households, but it takes some sacrifice to make that happen. If God wants her to not work, she should be praying about how to make ends meet--not dragging the family into ruin.

Practically, you can't really force her to go on a budget. But, you could provide her with grocery gift cards, gas cards, and a fair amount of discretionary money for medical expenses. This will give her both the responsibility and power of choosing wisely.

Sorry you're having to face this!

[bloomie]

I believe the debit card might work.   I just dread the fallout. 

Understandable you would dread the fallout, and yet fear is no way to make decisions as important as financial solvency. Budgeting and carving out a portion of your income, and that portion only, to be used at your wife's discretion seems respectful and wise.

Empowering yourself to live responsibly and respectfully toward yourself and your wife is what stable, mature people do. Your wife is making the finances your problem from where I sit and absolving herself by 'spiritual' manipulation. Time to give that problem back to her and let her pray over the portion that is available in the budget and adjust as needed.

Stay the course. You have been given good counsel.

[1footouttadefog]

She is putting you in charge of earning and needs to rest, let her rest from spending money and telling you how to manage it.

She can only have it both ways of you let her.  I would get a s separate account, and transfer what she can habe to it. 

Also change CC numbers and get her off credit lines