phone call

[sonto92]

i've been going round with my now 16 y/o son since last July when he decided to move in to BPDx's house.  Shared a couple of posts about him dating an 18 y/o girl with a baby and now he has decided that he is going to be this babies father.  I really haven't said anything to him directly about it since this relationship started and I have only brought the relationship up with his mom on several different occasions to no avail.
I was killing some time before an appointment and an unknown caller popped up on my phone.  I answered it and it was my son.  He proceeds to tell me that "he wants nothing to do with me, I'm a horrible father, he will be twice the dad that I ever was, and stay out of (18 y/o girl) and (babies) life".  Kind of ironic, because I have stayed out of this with him and this dysfunctional mess.  This is also the most he has really said to me since he left last July.  I was so shell-shocked I didn't know what to say, other than "I'm sorry you feel this way". 

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Sonto,

I find it interesting he felt the need to call and tell you that.  I wonder if he wanted to reach out, and that was the only reason he could think to call you.  On the plus side, he's still talking to you in a way.  I think your response is perfect, I also like a "'I'm sorry you feel that way, but that doesn't change how I feel about you.  I will always love you and always be here for you".  Maybe in some way, he just needed to hear your disappointment to know you really are still there.

All I can say is, as tough as that phone call must have been, it means he really hasn't completely cut you out.

[Associate of Daniel]

I'm so sorry, Sonto. My heart is breaking for you.

I've been wondering how you were going and if you managed to get on to your son's new school.

AOD

[coyote]

Sonto,
I do feel for anyone going through this kind alienation from kids. I'm there also with two grown kids that will have nothing to do with me; blaming the whole divorce on me. This after I put a good part of my life into raising them and making sure they had it all. That was probably my biggest mistake. Making sure they had too much, I've just had to come to realize I cannot control them and they are the ones missing out on a relationship with their father.

[athene1399]

I am so sorry, Sonto. That must have been heartbreaking. 

[sonto92]

Coyote - I am trying to make that shift right now with my middle son.  I can't control him and he is the one that is missing out on having a relationship with his Dad.  It's been difficult to not internalize it and not take it personally.  Over the years I have worked very hard to be a good dad to my kids and he (my son) is not able to see it - or refuses.
I followed up with his new school and had a good conversation with the building principal today about making sure I am in the loop and not left out of any communications to parents.  The story of last 8 months or so has been quietly doing what I can to be present in his education and trying to advocate for him with his mom.  Most of these things I am sure he never hears about or is aware that I am continuing to do what I can, and I'm working towards being OK with that.  Just sent some presents his way for his birthday (turned 16 last Friday).

[coyote]

It takes time Sonto. My DW and I still struggle with how to bring my DD back into the fold. We thought she was coming around but has cut off contact the past couple of years. My DS is just a wash. Maybe some year he will pull his head out but for now he's made it clear he wants nothing to do with us. Although I say we struggle actually I have just accepted the fact it is their choice. Makes my life a lot easier that way. After all it's only been 12 years since the divorce and they are both grown with families of their own.