"My problems are worse than yours!" Is this toxic behavior?

[LilyRose21]

  Thank you SO MUCH to EVERYONE who took the time to read my post and share your thoughts and words of support, encouragement, advice and wisdom. I appreciate it greatly!  I also apologize for taking so long to reply; some big life changes came up and I have been busy adjusting. But so glad to have the time now to read all of your thoughts and ponder them too!

I grew up in a home where there was not much internal support, and a fair dose of abuse of different kinds. I got the decent roof over the head, food on the table, clothes and a basic creature-level interest at times (what was I up to at school, who were my friends, that sort of basic interest) but when it came to a real interest in me as a distinct human being with my own experience of the world, very little was offered.

I tried to give my friend that level of support because I know what it is like to not get it, and I felt like it was hurting him that no one seemed to be able to listen and understand. I always hoped I would get it back if I ever attempted to share, but it seems unlikely at this point. That said, I don't really know his internal state because I am not in his shoes, and he is always saying how much he cares about other people and how humans need to have a heart. Hopefully that belief will help guide him to heal his own trauma.

I know some said not to give up on him as a friend. Just not sure if right now I am in a place where I can handle being too close to someone else who I have to look at as just a hang out buddy and not a friend I can get closer to and receive support from in return if ever needed.

What do I do when he wants to share, and I am left sitting there listening to his problems but realizing I cannot share in return? Tell him to change the subject because I know I cannot share too? The dynamic feels different now, and I don't know if having such an imbalanced relationship would be helpful or toxic in the long term? (I hope the bold text does not sound like I am yelling; just trying to highlight these questions and concerns.) But I won't give up him, even if I can't be close to him.

I have a lot to think of here, so thank you all again so much! To those of you who have been through a similar experience, my heart goes out to you, but I am glad you found the wisdom to see it for what it is and take care of yourself!  Thank you all for sharing!

[Pepin]

I grew up in a home where there was not much internal support, and a fair dose of abuse of different kinds. I got the decent roof over the head, food on the table, clothes and a basic creature-level interest at times (what was I up to at school, who were my friends, that sort of basic interest) but when it came to a real interest in me as a distinct human being with my own experience of the world, very little was offered.

I tried to give my friend that level of support because I know what it is like to not get it, and I felt like it was hurting him that no one seemed to be able to listen and understand. I always hoped I would get it back if I ever attempted to share, but it seems unlikely at this point. That said, I don't really know his internal state because I am not in his shoes, and he is always saying how much he cares about other people and how humans need to have a heart. Hopefully that belief will help guide him to heal his own trauma.

It seems that you cannot unsee what you now see and it changes everything going forward in a relationship.  Has your friend ever had any therapy for his past trauma? 

Another thing that gave me pause about what you wrote is how I feel like you are possibly coasting over your own past trauma?  The way you wrote it almost seemed as though you were downplaying your stuff compared to his stuff.  If I have learned anything on this earth it is that trauma is not a competition.  You matter, too!  Relationships don't really work if they are one directional.  Both people need to be able to talk SAFELY about whatever they want with each other.  If you are not being given enough air time, then how is that fair to you? 

If it were me, I would just try and avoid situations where he would start emotionally dumping on you.  Keep yourself busy and have activities that you BOTH can focus on together.  Sounds like he needs to have his mind taken off of his stuff, too until he is ready to sit down and do some inner work.....like with a therapist, read books, do CPTSD workbooks, journal, inner child work, etc.  If he refuses to do any healing work.....that'd be a pretty big red flag for me. 

[lkdrymom]

Maybe tell him others have it so much worse than he does.

He seems like a very superficial friend.  You can have long conversations as long as it is light hearted. However, he is only interested in discussing his issues and has no interest in yours.  I wouldn't consider that a true friend.   I have 'friends' like this.  I am the one they call when they need to unload but they never seem to ask how I am doing.  I found distancing myself helps.  And not expecting much out of them also works.

[Starboard Song]

What do I do when he wants to share, and I am left sitting there listening to his problems but realizing I cannot share in return? Tell him to change the subject because I know I cannot share too? The dynamic feels different now, and I don't know if having such an imbalanced relationship would be helpful or toxic in the long term? (I hope the bold text does not sound like I am yelling; just trying to highlight these questions and concerns.) But I won't give up him, even if I can't be close to him.

It is perfectly OK, when necessary to just end an imbalanced friendship when it shows no chance of righting itself. You can end calls and outings early to signal your lack of interest, or can even just say "look, I feel like we spend a bunch of time talking about problems, and it is getting me down. Let's talk about something else." But really, the one thing you are never required to do is to sacrifice your peace for the long-run.