UNOCPD ExH path of destruction

[sevenyears]

UNOCPD EXH and I went to court last week about enrolling my son in primary school. I want him to go to a special public school that teaches in both my language and ExH's language (the official language here) and ExH is against it. I filed in court for the judge to choose the school. The judge said she would instead decide who gets sole custody in educational matters unless we could resolve this ourselves through mediation. ExH agreed not to interfere with the school board pending the outcome of the trial; and subsequently agreed in mediation that DS go to the bilingual school. He also broke both agreements and intervened with the school board to get DS removed. The judge then refused to decide, on the grounds that DS's best interests are not at stake because ExH wants to send him to a different school. Nevermind that he broke agreements and during this period refuses to send DS to Kindergarten, which is required when we're not in lockdowns.

ExH intervened with the school board. He is accusing them of discrimination. He has argued with the school and is harassing the teachers.  Worst yet, he has been yelling at DS (5 1/2) pretty regularly for the last two visits.

Meanwhile, DS  is hurting and acting out at my place. ExH is yelling at him during his weeks with ExH (DS and DD live one week with me, one week with ExH alternating). The judge doesn't see that DS is hurting because of ExH's behavior. The youth agency sees that there is a problem. We hav been working with a social worker for more than one year to work out why the children act out with me and what the problem is and how to fix it. That type of help is about exhausted. Now the social worker has said that the children can be taken from us and placed into the foster system because we are in such a crisis with no end. She said if they are in a youth home for several months the social workers can see who the children feel better with after our visits, and that I might be able to change the parenting agreement that way. 

It is maddening and heart breaking. UNOCPDExH won't change and goes on a path of destruction of anything in his way - including our children - to get what he wants. No one in the family court or social services is willing to change the parenting agreement, in spite of his emotional abuse of the children. They say the way to stop the emotional abuse is for me to change course and drop the idea that DS attends a special school.

Thanks for listening to me vent. Any words of wisdom or advice or support are always welcome.

[Poison Ivy]

Oh, dear! How frustrating and maddening. I have no words of advice, but I'm here for you with my support and sympathy.

[ploughthrough2021]

UNOCPD EXH and I went to court last week about enrolling my son in primary school. I want him to go to a special public school that teaches in both my language and ExH's language (the official language here) and ExH is against it. I filed in court for the judge to choose the school. The judge said she would instead decide who gets sole custody in educational matters unless we could resolve this ourselves through mediation. ExH agreed not to interfere with the school board pending the outcome of the trial; and subsequently agreed in mediation that DS go to the bilingual school. He also broke both agreements and intervened with the school board to get DS removed. The judge then refused to decide, on the grounds that DS's best interests are not at stake because ExH wants to send him to a different school. Nevermind that he broke agreements and during this period refuses to send DS to Kindergarten, which is required when we're not in lockdowns.

ExH intervened with the school board. He is accusing them of discrimination. He has argued with the school and is harassing the teachers.  Worst yet, he has been yelling at DS (5 1/2) pretty regularly for the last two visits.

Meanwhile, DS  is hurting and acting out at my place. ExH is yelling at him during his weeks with ExH (DS and DD live one week with me, one week with ExH alternating). The judge doesn't see that DS is hurting because of ExH's behavior. The youth agency sees that there is a problem. We hav been working with a social worker for more than one year to work out why the children act out with me and what the problem is and how to fix it. That type of help is about exhausted. Now the social worker has said that the children can be taken from us and placed into the foster system because we are in such a crisis with no end. She said if they are in a youth home for several months the social workers can see who the children feel better with after our visits, and that I might be able to change the parenting agreement that way. 

It is maddening and heart breaking. UNOCPDExH won't change and goes on a path of destruction of anything in his way - including our children - to get what he wants. No one in the family court or social services is willing to change the parenting agreement, in spite of his emotional abuse of the children. They say the way to stop the emotional abuse is for me to change course and drop the idea that DS attends a special school.

Thanks for listening to me vent. Any words of wisdom or advice or support are always welcome.

I know cost may be an issue here but how about hiring a private language teacher at home the time that you have your son.

[athene1399]

This sounds so frustrating and heartbreaking, seven. I can't believe their resolution is for you to drop the idea of the bilingual school so that your ex stops emotionally abusing DS. I am so sorry it feels like your support from the social workers is coming to an end and they are suggesting foster care. I can't think of any advice at this time. I am just so sorry that you are going through this.

[hhaw]

IME, everyone in the settlement discussions comes to lean on the only sane parent in the room.  They KNOW the PD isn't going to be reasonable so they put all their pressure on you to give give and give in.

It might be time to come up with your very bottom line, and show the court everything you're asking for supports the children,

You have to keep coming back to what's best for the children, over and over..... taking away everyone's ability to lean on you and get you to cave.

You can't....bc it doesn't serve the children.  It's about the kids.

I wonder what it would take to get that Judge to give ONE parent the power to make decisions  on education.

The saying...."he who comes to his senses first... loses in court" comes to mind.

Most of the time the sane parent does give in bc the kids are getting crushed and terrorized in the adult conflict. 

Have your bottom line in writing.  Make sure it's overtly reasonable and child focused. 

If the PD begins ticking off all the court officers.....
if the PD SHOWS the court who he is and the harm he's choosing to inflict on the children, bc he's unable to be reasonable....
you might just get that Judge to give you a ruling you can live with.

I have a couple questins...
what does your gut tell you the PD would DO if you won sole custody?

What is your bottom line in a settlement?