Long Read - my sad story

StrangeDays · October 17, 2018, 10:25:58 PM

Buckle in folks, this is a long one. I met my wife about 9 years ago. We quickly hit it off, I moved in with her about 6 months in and we found out we were pregnant about 9 months into the relationship. Before we found out about the pregnancy, I was about to call off the relationship. There were warning signs. We discussed the amount of intimate partners we had, (my idea, big mistake) and I was uncomfortable with the number she said at age 26. She also mentioned she had a very volatile relationship a few years back, and during her younger years she was a "cutter". she didnt have a great childhood. Her parents split when they were young (never got the whole story there) and then she was went through a terrible ordeal: there was a mass shooting at her highschool. I will admit I didnt know what kind of mindset this person had. But our relationship was fun. She is beautiful and she appears to enjoy my company very much. I tried to get over my insecurities about the amount of partners she had. "Who am I to judge?" I told myself. I thought "I could be the rock in this woman's life" and I asked her to marry me. She said yes. Rolled the dice.

After the baby was born I started noticing some confusing behavior. She would get upset with me very quickly and make me feel dumb on top of it. The baby would be crying "get the wipes, Mike, whats taking so long?! why are you so useless!?" She had a way of nitpicking my behaviors that drove me insane. We would fight. But never have any real resolution. I thought perhaps she was going through post-partum. She was lonely as a stay at home mom. I thought this woman is going through a tough time so I kept trying to do better. Dont get me wrong I was not perfect. I would drink and be grumpy sometimes (I really hate my job), and I can be forgetful. And I was bitter for her not getting back into the workforce. She never really connected with my mother, who was always there for me growing up (and still is). She would isolate us. She didnt like when I went to a happy hour (which I went to like 3 / year, no joke), she would get upset at me if I was stuck at work late (she wanted me home ASAP so I can give her a break from the kids), she would always turn down suggestions about things to do. "That sounds dumb" or "thats too complicated" To this day we have never been on a date. She would be upset with me if I took too long at the grocery store, or if I took too long in the bathroom in the morning, calling me a princess. She would say she wished I were dead. Its goes on and on....

I continued to take the abuse over the years. I knew it was a abuse, but I was trying to give her the benefit of a doubt. I could not find a way to make it stop. We had a 2nd kid, a girl. Beautiful. The erratic behavior started again. This time she was breastfeeding. She hated that responsibility. When the baby would need to go to sleep or cry in the middle of the night, she would nurse the baby and it generally worked. She would tell me I was a piece of shit for not helping out more with the baby at night. I would offer and she would scold me saying I'm useless. Time went on. We would fight alot. There were good moments. But we were still isolated.

Then we found we were having a 3rd baby. Totally shocked me. I thought we were being careful. AND I didnt know if I could handle another baby financially and emotionally. To me it was a volatile home to begin with. She insisted on having the baby (thank god), and hes beautiful. Anyway, the fighting, the nagging, nit picking, continued. The chores and bills were piling up. i started sleeping on the couch b/c she said she baby would sleep better if I wasnt in the room. She began to isolate herself even more. I thought we were pushing through. Unhappy? Yes. But just a phase..

Then a month ago I found she connected to a woman online. They have been chatting every night, saying I love you, exchanging kisses, very flirtatious. I asked her about it and was not convinced that "there was nothing to be concerns about". But she said she didnt love me anymore and demanded a divorce.

Since then I have been crushed. She was so mean to me for so long. But I love her. I was hanging onto the thought that someday we will be happy together. She told me she had been wanting to leave me before the 3rd baby. She is already making very aggressive sexual advances to a person to a man going through his own marital problem. We used to hang out as couples occasionally. This is eating at my soul. I know this is stupid but I want to save this awful marriage. I have tried to ask for counselling instead but she is moving fast with the divorce and moving fast with this other man. We still live together. She has no place to go.

God it hurts. I cant eat. I cant enjoy a darn thing. Only cry. Sulk. Fight the images of my wife with another. I love being with my kids as much as possible. It kills me that I many only see them 50% of the time when the divorce goes through. It kills me that these children are going to live with this woman, without me there to shield them. I hate how she treats us (me and the kids) when things get tough. She told me a few years ago that she has PTSD and BPD. My biggest regret is not making a huge effort to know what that means. I could have maybe saved our marriage.

I feel like I blew the marriage. Even though my logic tells me not to take all the blame. I get so angry but what good is anger? Sometimes I think suicide is not a bad option. But I cant do that to my family and my kids. So I'm posting here. I have found solace in reading other's stories. I told you this is was long.

Spygirl · October 17, 2018, 10:57:57 PM

Hello,

I am so sorry you are going thru this.. it warms my heart that you love and worry about your children. I am sorry you feel so much despair. Many of us have been in your current place, and have survived it, actually flourished after everything settled.

Check the toolbox, it will help you protect yourself and the kids emotionally. You could start a journal, or you can more or less journal here. It is helpful to look back and see how your perception changes. Just keep it somewhere safe, so your wife does not read it. It wont help her.

I personally do not have kids, I dont have more to offer you, but I understand your pain. Many others will be able to offer better advice to you. Hang in there.

StrangeDays · October 17, 2018, 11:08:04 PM

Thank you SpyGirl. I really do need lots of hugs right now.

sad_dog_mommy · October 17, 2018, 11:56:06 PM

Welcome! You have come to the right place. Everyone who posts here has been in the same WTF place you are in now so you will find kindred spirits. Read as many posts as you can so you can see you are not alone. All our stories are different and yet there is a common theme to our experiences.

Learn as much as you can about personality disorders. Is there hope for her? I don't know but start shifting your focus to what is in the best interest of Mike83 and your kids. I know it is easier said than done but I promise it helps.

Living with someone who has a personality disorder is emotionally exhausting. Be kind to yourself as you navigate things.

((( hug )))

StrangeDays · October 24, 2018, 08:32:21 PM

Still living with my soon to be ex BPD wife. (I get confused by everyone's acronyms )

Anyway, many people are telling me to keep a journal of the crazy stuff, so when my heart hurts I can think that I'm going to be better off. So here goes some recent gems:

1. She out of town 2 weekends ago. I cleaned the whole house, kids were all clean, stayed busy all weekend. I think I did a solid job overall. She comes back on Sunday night. The whole week goes by and we both didnt laundry. By Friday my son had no clean pants. I hear the stb ex say "b/c your dad couldnt be bothered to do laundry" like i dont do chores. i did so much around the house. i never just sit down. she does not work. stays home with the young ones and stares at her phone all day. i knew she was going to say something to me. so she comes in the room and says "mikey has no clean pants" i say "well you probably should have dome one laundry this week" well she flipped out saying in her famous sarcastic tone "oh right b/c thats a womans job!" then mocking me "im a man i dont do woman jobs!" she made it sound like a im male chauvinist. which im not. at all. but i was implying that she a stay at home parent, had all week to do some and didnt, and thats its a shared chore. but she was so angry. argument could have kept going. i had to dis-engage so we wouldnt get in big battle in front of the kids

2. one morning this week, i couldnt find a top to my daughters water cup. (at this point i had made all of the breakfasts and lunches like i do every morning, all i needed to find the water cup top and i was done, i look a bunch of places). i asked if she knew where it was. her response "sure cause its my job to know where everything is!" and was very angry at me for not knowing.. she always hates if i ask her if she knows where something is. all im looking for is a "yes/no"

3. her gmom is in hospice. sad. i asked how her gmom is doing. her response "shes dying. why are you asking anyway? just twist the knife. gee thanks"

4. our back door is sticking. seems like it needs a little fixing. i said to her "and lucky us, now our doors a little busted" i was not accusing anyone of anything. her response "and how is that my fault!?"

we only have a few exchanges a day, and they typically go like the examples above. living with her is really tough right now. need to sell the house asap

Liftedfog · October 25, 2018, 04:25:16 AM

I'm sorry for your pain. I know the torture you speak of. It's bad enough with no kids but when kids involved the pain is ten times worse. Do not doubt yourself for one min. It is not you. It's her. She is broken and you can't save her. You can only save yourself and kids. You need to protect them even if it's just 50 per cent. Document everything. Talk to a lawyer and get legal advice. You will feel much better knowing your rights. Seek therapy. Work on yourself. There is nothing you can do to change her. Maybe you can get full custody if she is that unstable and abusive. It's so much worse when you live under the same roof. Once you are able to not live with her, you will get stronger because you will be shielded from her abuse. You will think clearer. You deserve a real life partner. You are stronger than you think and you sound like a loving father. Kids need you right now. Please focus on yourself so you can protect your children from her.

notrightinthehead · October 25, 2018, 05:07:42 AM

Mike, you have been given sound advice. I know all about 'hope dies last' - I clung on to my marriage far too long. It sounds to me as if your kids have the more stable parent in you and thus have a far better chance in life if they were living with you. It might be a good idea therefore that in addition to having good legal support, you start documenting the abuse as much as you can.

StrangeDays · January 15, 2019, 10:05:50 PM

Well we're in January and we're still living together. Man it's brutal. So much has happened. My wife's obsession over her new friend she met online continued on. Then this online friend ended up being a "cat fisher" This online friend made up a whole story about being a mother of 3, and how just got rid of her shitty husband. She made up story after story about abuse, being an unappreciated wife / person, and even made up a story about her nephew dying from cancer. And my wife believed every word. When my wife found out it was all a lie she was pissed, for a week. But has since gone back to her online friend and has now expressed her severely romantic feelings for her. Since then, those two are wrapped up in a hyper-sexual lesbian fantasy. They have phone sex most nights while my 2 year old sleep in the room. My wife has never been with a woman before, to the best of my knowledge. my wife is leaving town to go see her online friend in a few weeks. Meanwhile, I live in the house to be with my kids. They need real attention. My wifes life is now this new friend. And my heart aches all the time because I still love my wife. I can't keep living like this..
I fear her decision making. This weekend she was in a real bad mood and showing lost of anger, blaming, projecting toward the smallest things. she told me I had no decency for not moving out as shes requested. I told her "you're the one who wants to leave, so leave" But she has no where to go. Which I told her is not my problem She officially filed for divorce in December. Nothing has progressed in that process since.

cloudydays · January 21, 2019, 11:55:59 AM

Hi Mike83,

Sending a big

your way.

I highly recommend journalling, as little or as much as you can ... it really helped me to believe that voice that was telling me 'hey, this is not a nice way to be treated'.
Also, as notrightinthehead mentioned, document the abuse as much as you can. Date, time, what took place ... doesn't have to be overly detailed. This list of incidences could really help you down the road.

Stay Strong! 🌷

Yael924 · January 27, 2019, 03:51:05 AM

Mike83 -- buy a 2019 calendar and document who is taking care of the kids. She wants you to pick them up, take them to the doc, buy clothes, just smile and do it, and document. Then you can show the court that you were the care-taking parent.

I know you totally don't want to read this -- but the lesbian love affair might benefit you if you are serious about wanting full custody. If she realizes how much fun the single life is, she might be more agreeable to that kind of arrangement. You are playing a long game here. You need to minimize the kids' time in the environment she creates.

Focus on the kids and doing what is best for them. It will help take your mind off the whole broken heart thing. And I'm sorry you are going through this.

StrangeDays · February 04, 2019, 10:04:32 PM

Thanks Yael. You offer some good advice.

She went on her Florida trip. She spent four days with this woman. Got a new heart tattoo. Tacky as hell. I dont want to think about what else they did.

The craziest part is that she doesn't know that I know all of this. She left her Google account signed in on my lap top months ago. I dont hide my laptop from her. And she never asks to use it.

I can see so much. I see her emails, all her pics, and all voice texts. I talked to my lawyer and he said what I am doing is not "illegal" and the info I gather would be admissible in court. So I try to document the crazy, could be doing a better job on the documenting. But I dont know when to tell her I know all of this. We are supposed to doing a group counseling together in a few weeks, seems like the right moment. I guess I havent told her yet b/c shes not going to stop these behaviors - they would probably just intensify. So I have been quietly observing, I know its pathetic. But If i can undoubtedly prove shes wacko and unfit, I have a great card in my hand. Almost looking for a smoking gun if you will. Strange days.

pushit · February 07, 2019, 03:10:34 PM

Quote from: Mike83 on February 04, 2019, 10:04:32 PM
But I dont know when to tell her I know all of this. We are supposed to doing a group counseling together in a few weeks, seems like the right moment. I guess I havent told her yet b/c shes not going to stop these behaviors - they would probably just intensify. So I have been quietly observing, I know its pathetic. But If i can undoubtedly prove shes wacko and unfit, I have a great card in my hand. Almost looking for a smoking gun if you will. Strange days.

If it were me, I wouldn't tell her. (In fact, I just spoke with a lawyer this morning and he told me the best thing is to let them do their crazy stuff and eventually we'll get it in front of the parental evaluator) The focus should be on the health of you and the kids first. I believe I'm very close to a divorce, and for me the kids are the most important part. The more of my uPDw's crazy behavior that I can document, the more my kids can have a calmer life with me making decisions on their behalf and not her. I think if you tell her it just creates drama and nothing will change, that's what would happen in my house.

Liftedfog · February 08, 2019, 07:03:01 AM

I agree. Don't tell her ever. Keep documenting what you see. As weird as you feel stalking her account, you are doing it for your kids. Big hug. You are a good father and and don't deserve any of this.