The Inner Battle of Logic Emotions & Real Reality and I Do t Know What

[Miz.Biz]

Hello Everyone

I wouldn't have found this site had it not been for a totally random person
I have never had a place to vent about this to others, who really CAN understand  you

When you are attached, have children, GET NUMB and have let so much time pass trying to figure it out and fix it

Only to come to the fix is that it can not be figured out

I have given birth to two children on my own
Raised the first on my own for 7 years
Was so in the fog ..  he came back to find his child .... BUT .. I got pregnant again
I have been living with him now for the last six years
The stories are endless
I thought my hurt was so much worse then typical relationship hurt cause no one could comprehend .. but thought it was more just me, as I get depressed, or I shouldn't have expectations as it wasn't a really relationship, or bought into how it was always all my fault

The inner emotional pain of of abandonment and rejection is living hell

It started off ...
Once moving to his home (that he was supposed to then move out of)
Once he stayed ... I thought I'd show him once we were under the same roof just how amazing I was and how it was a good idea to be a family

SUCKER — that means work for free with nothing in return

I did it all, and I gave, and I at first had the gift of giving .. then when there was NEVER reciprocity
I hurt
I Ran his business, worked full time, did all the house and kid stuff .. the laundry and all shopping all the fun stuff with the kids by myself .. all the fun stuff in life by myself .. even sleep by myself .. renovated the house twice by myself
Him —> Nothing
He now is more involved with his son .. but it's always on a reward punishment scale

I lost everything
With the stupid agenda of trying to fix / change myself to be content with what he had to offer me .. which was what again .. just to work for him and have NO expectations

Even
A lonely bed for so many years
(I only qualify for random sex where he then leaves and goes to his room)

This is my first post
So I'll be here all night

So I'll leave it for next time

I'm trying to find peace
And not feel so alone
And to stay focused on fixing all this has destroyed

And eventually help others

In my worst moments the pain was so much .. I'd say if this stuff was extracted from my veins

You could torture the world with it

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have been through a lot and you have found a place full of information and support.
Start reading the Personality disorders  tab and the toolbox for strategies on how to protect yourself better especially if you are still with your partner. Do you have real life support? A self help group, therapist, friend, family member? 
Again, I am sorry you had to find us and glad you did. See you around on the boards.

[Matteblak]

I'm sorry to hear what you've had to endure but you are in the right place. I know that many of us hear familiar nuggets in your story, and please know that we are praying for you. People pointed me toward the ToolBox so I will offer the same suggestion. There is language there that helps you speak the language here. Also tips for changing the patterns of abuse that many of us (or maybe just me) inadvertently prolonged by not realizing what we were up against. May God bless you and give you strength and comfort and hope at this time.